FWB or not

FWB or not

    | Nov 21, 2019
cat_n_the_hatter   Couple Man 54yrs Woman 48yrs



Forgive me if this has been asked before but the subject for me entails so many unanswered questions that I would like those members currently here to reply.
I know some would say that most people here want physical attraction only and are not after anything else - just the occasional sex. However, I am curious to know how others (singles or couples) deal with situations when something more arises. People want to be honest and say whether they have other FWBs and yet, they need to be careful not to hurt the feelings of those they also have a connection with. What happens when you start developing feelings? Do you just sever any contact? Do you ghost?

I believe it will always be difficult to find desire with the longer lasting FWB because the time spent with the new person will be ‘euphoric’ and more intimate simply because they are new. Therefore, it may be that the older connection inevitably drifts away and becomes only a friendship. I could be wrong.
But what happens when "new" FWB leaves? Does one want to go back to what was before? And is that even possible?
How do you manage your feelings when your FWB is being with someone else, and more importantly, when they care about them more than they care about you? How can you tell?
Do you find it exciting that they are with someone else and would like to hear details? I am afraid I offer more questions than answers.
Please share you experiences if you have been in a situation like that, or your thoughts even if you have not. (Ms)
Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
KissesAndCream   Woman 31yrs

I guess it depends on the type of person you are and how you view intimacy and sex. If you are a naturally jealous person then this would be a very tricky scene to not get hurt in.

For me i consider all the people i play with to also be friends. I think sex is better when there is genuine interest, affection and regard for the other person or people involved. The people i choose to see more than once i would also happily just socialise with.

I think if you are all on the same page it is easier. Sure sometimes when one of my favourite play friends or couples play with others i wish i was there too but i also feel good knowing that they are enjoying themselves.

If feelings develop you have to know yourself and your playfriends well enough to know what that means. How will they take that? Be honest and give them the chance to say what they are feeling.

Sorry i dont know if i even answered the question! X






Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
wildcrazyloving   Woman 35yrs

• What happens when you start developing feelings?

Intimacy is intense with feelings. Every situation is different though the following answers are based on the previous arrangement.

Gladually shared feelings, though in retrospective i think this may have been considered as 'just her usual pleasantries'.
Ask how they felt about me seeing others and indicated that i felt no need to, though they suggested it continue. Noticed they too were seeing other people. We had one outing together in 18mths despite numerous invitations, so i gathered they were not interested in pursuing anything further. Did not over invest, as i only knew the bedroom persona. Was sending/telling sexy stories and asking for them in return as it turns my jealousy into want.. I am under the impression that they may not have liked this. Maybe their feelings developed as i gained my equilibrium (via lovers in numbers approach).. Though the only indication i recieved was text message that polietly finalised contact.



• What happens when "new" FWB leaves?

Back to trying to find another sexually intense arrangement and continue to remind myself, how important open communication is.



• Does one want to go back to what was before? And is that even possible?

I have had lovers come and go, on and off for years. The feelings neautralise and the friendship strengthens.

Though there needs to be feelings for such intensity.


• How do you manage your feelings when your FWB is being with someone else, and more importantly, when they care about them more than they care about you?

I manage feelings by seeing more than one lover and neutralise jealousy by insisting on 'story-time'.

If i get the feeling they care about someone else more than me, i dont torture myself. I am grateful to know this and focus on spending time with people where there is shared appreciation.



• Do you find it exciting that they are with someone else and would like to hear details?

Once feelings are neutralised, it is hot.
Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
HotNightsGC   Couple Man 49yrs Woman 47yrs

This can be a tricky thing to manoeuvre. And a lot depends on how you handle being in an ongoing intimate arrangement with another or others.
If you feel more for them than they feel for you, it’s best to keep it almost less than FWB and strictly FB (yes I mean fuck buddy).
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying that intimate and almost ‘relationship’ like moments when you are with them, just leave it between the sheets and not playing in in your mind days later.
I guess it’s best to have well drawn lines right from the first encounter to avoid confusing the situation or another persons feelings about the arrangement.
Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
HotNightsGC   Couple Man 49yrs Woman 47yrs

I guess what I was trying to say was......
No, don’t concern yourself about who else they’re with or if they feel more with someone else. That’s part of another situation outside your world.
Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
wildcrazyloving   Woman 35yrs

I dont think things are clear cut as suggested with the theory of talking about your intentions prior, unless you are quite firm with those intentions. I have noticed that alot of singles state in their profile 'open to more with the right person'.

I was hesitant offering such a personal situation, though stories/personal experience offer more insight.
Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
EarthQueen   Woman 49yrs

For me

It really depends on the depth of the connection. There are some men that have been my FB that I don't feel very much for and then it's not really a problem. I'm not really bothered what they do. I don't have any expectations other than sex to scratch an itch. They get into my horny brain, but not into my heart. This is the easy type of casual sex for me.

However if I like someone a lot and we are good friends it can get messy for me. In that case I often don't want to hear what they are doing with anyone else. I find it a turn off. I've tried to disconnect but I find it difficult. Because it's in my nature that If I really like having sex with someone, and I like that person I'm wanting deeper connections.

Using my current sometimes FWB as an example I also find it hard when I want to have sex with other people. I don't really want to tell him even though we do have an agreement that we can have sex with others as long as we use protection. But I still get the sense he wouldn't want to hear about it either. So I say nothing.

When feelings and emotions are involved I agree with Wildcrazy it's not that clear cut. Being single I don't have a partner to fall back on. If I get hurt I need to work my way through it alone. So I try for self preservation in these circumstances and try very hard not to get too attached. Hard though. This is one of the reasons why I tend to have long breaks from having casual sex. It can get draining emotionally for me if I start catching feelings. Which I often do because I like having ongoing sex with someone who I like as a person and feel very connected too.

If you are starting to like someone a lot and its a FWB situation and you get the feeling it's not going to be reciprocated I think it's probably better to cut off the contact. Not ghost, but just say you aren't interested anymore. Otherwise it's just going to end up being painful, which is OK in a sense. Life is made of great things and difficult things. It's just a learning process. But at the same time why place yourself in that place if you don't have too?


Nov 21, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Anne6

I don't believe there are friends with benefits unless it's with your ex. Most people keep fucking because they are interested or at least until something they believe better comes along.
Nov 22, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
cat_n_the_hatter   Couple Man 54yrs Woman 48yrs

Thank you all




Interesting to read your thoughts. It makes you so close to me.
Insightful reflections. I could find myself in almost all of them. Of course you all answered my questions but I hope it was a time of reflection for you as well.

It sounds to me like an awful way to complicate one's life (having FWB) and yet, increasingly, many people choose this as a lifestyle. However, it also seems to be a way to experience benefits of the committed relationship without actually having one, as it consists of emotional and mental compatibility. But in that case one only shares pleasurable times...or am I wrong in assuming that? What happens when one is down, facing insecurities or doubts? Isn't that what intimacy is? I agree KissAndCream - but what is a friend? I understand not everyone sees friendship the same way. I heard someone recently saying - I don't need friends telling me about their problems???

I am curious EeathQueen that you have a feeling that you shouldn't tell. Does it mean there are degrees of connection? Does it then matter how often you see them?

Can you please tell me more WildCrazyLoving "I was hesitant offering such a personal situation, though stories/personal experience offer more insight." The thing is - I change. I don't believe in set of rules. Rules are only to be broken.
Hot Night - No, there is nothing wrong with FB but it is not the same. Different needs are in question here. Even the most independent person has at least emotional needs that require tending sometime.(Ms)
Nov 22, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
EarthQueen   Woman 49yrs

Cat

I don't even really know myself. Not talking about other people was an agreed boundary initially. It's a relationship complicated by his mental health so maybe I am just looking out for him.There's a huge degree of connection. We are really good friends but the sex is sporadic, again due to mental health. We talk every day and see each other a few times a week. I guess the relationship is actually stronger than anything sexual which is fine with me in some ways, but not when I crave physical contact. Also it started as a friendship and then evolved into FWB so that probably makes it a little different and I haven't seen anyone else since we started to be sexual.... but I kind of want to now. Ugh. I don't know why I feel guilty when we both agreed it was OK?

Personally I would prefer one solid person to have great sex with but I'm just a very independent person who struggles with heaps of contact after the initial zing has worn off. I haven't yet found a way to have my cake and eat it too that works for me emotionally and sexually and has a balance of contact.


Nov 22, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
cat_n_the_hatter   Couple Man 54yrs Woman 48yrs

EarthQueen




We are all different. I doubt anyone truly knows who they are. I find the arrangement - FWBs, to be far more complicated than any other. I understand EQ and it must be extremely painful at times and often lonely to be in this by yourself. I realise that only someone with high self-confidence and lots of self-love may endeavour on such a journey.
Remind yourself that in the absence of confidence, courage takes over. Which I value even more. In the lonely hearts, ladies often say how they are looking for a confident man, but in reality they are looking for a courageous man…if your FWB is special to you in any way, I say it is a gift.
However, if the one who has it all appears …then… Just take care. Some say (man and women) “many more fish in the sea”- I say- Rubbish, tuna doesn’t come your way that often. (Ms)

Nov 24, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
openslather1   Woman 42yrs

Hmmm... to me, by definition, a FWB precludes any feelings entering the picture other than friendship. I have fairly strict play rules to ensure I don’t develop feelings other than the overwhelming feeling to give my FWB a high five at the end of a sweaty session ;)

I have ex FWBs whom I’ve retained as real-life friends as our circumstances have changed, as we’ve entered new relationships with other people outside of play, and I can genuinely say I’ve been happy for them.

It’s so important to take the F part of FWB at face value and not look for something more. Defining your play relationship at the very beginning is the best way to be able to relax into it, have fun and keep jealousy right out of the picture.

In fact, having a nice network of FWBs is a great way to recommend lovers to each other (I’m bi, so this has happened quite often).
Nov 24, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
usebi

Earthqueen

A Cyber hug your way comes.

I am understanding.
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EarthQueen   Woman 49yrs

Usebi

Thanks🙏

Nov 24, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
cat_n_the_hatter   Couple Man 54yrs Woman 48yrs

...




EQ, have you told your FWB that you would like more physical contact? Perhaps he believes that F is more important than anything else.

I cannot help but notice that only women commented. Now it makes me wonder why?
I doubt that men here do not have some experiences to share but their way of approaching the issue may differ. And I doubt that all men are the same.
It would be interesting to hear from you.

Nov 24, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
SuperFoxxxy  

Woman 48yrs

Anne6

What do you mean, "I don't believe there are friends with benefits unless it's with your ex". Can you explain what you mean by that, please?



Ms Foxy
Nov 24, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
MrMojoRisin

Challenge accepted.




Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter'




EQ, have you told your FWB that you would like more physical contact? Perhaps he believes that F is more important than anything else.

I cannot help but notice that only women commented. Now it makes me wonder why?
I doubt that men here do not have some experiences to share but their way of approaching the issue may differ. And I doubt that all men are the same.
It would be interesting to hear from you.


I've been reading this thread since the outset, with interest too, it's not always easy. I've also been busy with my school work, so my posting is minimal right now...
I've now had a few women as friends with benefits and just like here everyone seems to have their take on what is, or at least what it means to them.
My first FWB was in many ways the most respectful of my marriage, the sex wasn't earth moving and the conversation was a bit one sided so it didn't last. Another was dead set ready to rip me off my wife and after demanding Ibe her only FWB set about eroding my feelings towards Wifey.
Another was a completely different kettle of fish and after just a few liaisons demanded that I left my wife...
The South African is amazing, great conversation, great sex but I feel she holds back because she wants more than I can give.
I like the Freo Girl but she did tell me she loves me fairly early on in the piece.
I've been honest with all of them and my message doesn't change, there's a limit on how close we can get. I liked them all but soon changed my mind about those two...
L8R...

Nov 25, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
EarthQueen   Woman 49yrs

Cat




Quoting 'cat_n_the_hatter'




EQ, have you told your FWB that you would like more physical contact? Perhaps he believes that F is more important than anything else.

It's a bit complicated, but all good. :) Thanks for thread Cat it's been useful for reflection. When I look at our relationship I guess its not FWB really, it's more than that. Maybe more of a poly type thing at this point.

Nice to see you round the joint again Mojo.


Nov 29, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
cat_n_the_hatter   Couple Man 54yrs Woman 48yrs

...




Thank you Mojo for sharing your experiences. Now, does your experience reinforce the stereotypical thinking of women not being able to separate emotions from sexual acts, while men can? … or is it that on individual level we approach intimacy at different degrees of attachment? Perhaps men are just socially conditioned never to admit emotional connection so they mimic 'alpha" ?

According to biology, neither spices see it only as a physical activity. Brain does not see “play” as play.
Testosterone drives male’s libido and if it’s high may suppresses vasopressin, making a high-testosterone guy cuddle-resistant. Once a man enters a relationship, his testosterone levels drop about 20 %. While that same oxytocin helps woman forget her previous partner easier.

Would you consider the possibility of you were having less testosterone then and those women having high oxytocin levels as explanation?
EQ, there is a fine line between those two categories. What would be the difference?

Nov 29, 2019 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
JohnSilver

An additional Opinion

Well it seems to me a matter of context. Having not yet found a FWB it seems to me that these occasions are more the uncommon occurrence, well in my experience so far anyway. To me the whole idea is about enjoying someone as a friend and all that entails but providing those additional benefits which I assume is what both parties require. The concept of this developing is of course real but I suspect that knowledge would already be known before entering into such a FWB arrangement and both parties would already have an inkling that such a closer attachment could develop. If bot parties are true and honest up front then I think a FWB situation should be as it describes. Well I'm hoping so, if and when the opportunity arises.

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