How does swinging really make you feel?

How does swinging really make you feel?

    | May 14, 2019
KillerQueen37
Hi

I've been in and out of the "scene" for 10 years or more now, with various partners. My current partner is what I'd describe as addicted to it, in that this is all he wants to do, every Friday/Saturday night. I'm not overly keen. I don't mind going to parties now and again but would like to mix up our social life. He, however, refuses.

I'm sorry to say that I don't find many men attractive at all in the scene. I'd have to say that most women aren't either, but this doesn't seem to bother him. I need an intellectual connection to feel attracted to someone, and I just don't find that in clubs or parties. He, on the other hand, walks away on the rare occasion I strike up what I consider to be interesting conversations.

I read lots of positive stories about how swinging strengthened people's relationships but I just haven't shared this experience. Instead, it has left me feeling devalued somewhat, not connected to my partner, and questioning how he can just fuck anyone regardless of their appearance. I find the rare sex I have had in the scene unsatisfying and mediocre at best.

Anyone out there got thoughts on this?


- Posted from rhpmobile
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luvu2   Man 60yrs

Hi your post it tooo long did me to read
Make it simple hey
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KillerQueen37

lol. thanks for the feedback. it's a complex issue so I guess I'll wait for others with more intellectual capacity to hopefully reply.
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300Orgasms  

Couple Man 46yrs Woman 49yrs

It makes us feel validated when others who are fun, respectful and sexy desire us, want sex with us and have sex with us. We get that from each other too, but a little external validation is also nice. If we were swinging every Friday/Saturday night, the validation we get from other would be less, and we know that is the most important validation of them all. It’s real and authentic.
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Zany_Swingle   Man 46yrs

Everything in moderation, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Q/Q.
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Talldarkhsome  

Man 40yrs

Dont mind the last post, I think he's illiterate!

To me it sounds as though your on different paths as he doesnt seem to mind who he's with and you might want something with a bit more substance.
I dont have the right or wrong answer as everyone has to work out what's right for themselves.

Good luck with your journey.

TDH
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Eiliethiya   Woman 41yrs

I have

read your post (ignore old mate above)

I have been to clubs and parties, though I'm single and not a regular. But I do understand what you mean and I think in that situation I would probably feel the same. It doesn't sound like your partner is using the experiences to benefit you both as a couple, it's all about him and his basic sexual wants.
I too need some kind of small connection or at least attraction for anything to occur, and that is lacking at most of those kinds of clubs/parties, because a lot of the (mostly single) men lack social skills to hold a conversation and create interest...which is why I assume some are there, paying for what they hope is just random sex with no need for any interaction. *in my experience*
My best experience to date was a party organised recently where the hosts made sure all guests could converse and display basic social skills.

Not sure how you deal with the situation you're in though, is it a relationship worth fighting for, and will he listen to you and understand & accept how you feel? Or is it better to walk away and hope to find someone more on the same wavelength and wanting the same things as you..?
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KillerQueen37

So grateful for that thoughtful reply.

I am wondering whether this comes down (generally speaking) to the differences between men and women. In my experience, women want quality over quantity, whereas men seek the latter?

We do have nice things worth fighting for in our relationship; hence my dilemma, otherwise I'd be out the door.
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leighkez   Woman 53yrs

You say you’d describe your partner as addicted to the swinging scene.

Addiction to anything is not good.

I’d try talking to him about it because if he wants to be out & about every weekend it doesn’t leave a lot of quality time for the two of you.

I need an attraction or connection to play, generally speaking it does seem to be more females that require this.
There are some awesome guys on here and outside RHP land but also lots that seem to go along with any holes a goal.

Good luck, hope it works out for you.
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luvu2   Man 60yrs

Killer


Some people have lots of time in keyboard
I find it boring
Action speaks more than words
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MsJonesy   Woman 51yrs

OP

My first thought was 'selfish prick'.



There doesn't appear to be any consideration for your wants (eg. refuses to have a social life outside the club scene), and he walks away when you start to establish a connection with others via chatting with them....so he doesn't care about your needs. You feel devalued and quite probably questioning your own values and wants....when he should be the one questioning himself.

I have gone through periods where I have often attended swingers clubs- maybe once a fortnight for quite a long period. But I rarely play, in fact that is the norm. I, like you, need a connection, and I also need to establish some level of trust with them prior to playing. So my rule of "meet first, play later" even applies at clubs.

So although others might think I am a swinger because of my friends and the fact I regularly attend clubs and parties, I am not. I have had partners in the scene (FWBs rather than full relationships) who saw me as a gateway to all things swinging; they eventually got the boot. I am noone's gateway. I am me and I am very happy with the way I conduct my life and the friendships I form in this lifestyle.

I think you know the answer to your dilemma. Good luck xx
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AnnieWhichway   TV/CD 56yrs

.

I tend to steer away from regular swinging parties but do attend every few months. Prefer a connection like many others.

The way you describe it, sounds like he's using you to get in the door. Partners l have swung with have always remained close, looking after each other's back and have ensured all boxes are checked during the course of the evening. With boxes l mean each other's feelings. Anything not right we are both happy to step back together, regroup or leave the party. Even fwb's do this.
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AnnieWhichway   TV/CD 56yrs

Luvy




Quoting 'luvu2'

Killer


Some people have lots of time in keyboard
I find it boring
Action speaks more than words
Seems you have lots of time to criticize others for their spare time.
Perhaps put your free time to achieving some level of social skill and even a english writing class to achieve a level of comprehension to read posts and respond in a constructive manner.
If you find it boring just imagine how we all feel constantly reading your dribble?

Sorry OP, back on topic
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EarthQueen   Woman 48yrs

OP

The thing in your post that really sticks out for me is that you say you are feeling devalued. Sounds like you are fundamentally starting to go on different paths. You are growing one way and he in another. It's ok to want to walk your own path and look after your own needs. Good luck x
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Paul4Annie   Man 48yrs

Somewhat confused, but this is the way I read it. Your profile says that you are single but you refer to your current partner in this forum. Not understanding the depth of your relationship I believe he uses your relationship to feed his addiction. He sees your role in the relationship as the key to entry and access to swingers clubs. It’s easier to find “success” as a male in swingers club if you are accompanied by female company. I think you should look at your relationship in that context
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KillerQueen37

Thanks, all.

EarthQueen - I think you're right there. We have such lovely intimacy together that the unsatisfying experiences in clubs/parties just don't stack up for me any longer. x
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countrytouch82   Man 37yrs

The saying goes that swinging can strengthen a strong relationship, but likewise it can damage one that isn't strong. Everything needs to be for the right mutual positive reasons.

Doing what he is doing isn't arguably bad on its own IF he was completely single (and assuming he's not in any way hurting anyone he gets involved with at parties).

The point of swinging as a couple is meant to add to and enhance your own shared lives. Even if you are playing apart, this still applies.

While I have only experienced swinging as a single per se, I have made strong emotional connections, and even though not a bonefide relationship, their heartfelt wants and needs mean I make choices that will not be to their detriment, and my thoughts are about them as well as my own needs. Based only on the one forum it would be hard for me to judge whether to say to stay or go, but you have to decide on the long-term sustainability of it, and whether changes need to be made to avoid something that might be inevitable otherwise, sooner or later.
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The_Antichrist   Man 40yrs

To be honest....

I don’t think swinging has devalued you....and I wish you Godspeed in dealing with this scenario however you see fit to...
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the2ofus4you   Couple Man 46yrs Woman 46yrs

For us it is mutual turn on...
My wife and I have been together since we were 14 and have been married 22 years
We are madly in love and would never jeopardise that
Too be able too share experiences together with other people weather it be together or separately is a huge turn on for us
I would hate to think our play friend/s would feel like they were feeling devalued in any way
Respect is a huge thing for us both giving and receiving
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KillerQueen37

The-Antichrist - please elaborate on that? Or perhaps I should elaborate: I feel devalued in that he constantly chooses this over a night out just with me. Although he claims it's not a competition, it really comes down to never feeling like I alone am enough to entertain him.
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SSExplorer  

Couple Man 47yrs Woman 33yrs

KQ, please tell your fella to pull his head in (literally) before it’s too late.
I lost a beautiful relationship because I also got addicted to the thrill of all this and yes it can be a true addiction. I missed that she was getting over it and she missed that it was a problem for me.
Interestingly i was so happy to fall for my wife as she was such a good girl that I thought she’d keep me on the straight and narrow but now she’s discovered she’s bi and here we are. What is wonderful though is we really understand what each other needs and why and I am far more at ease letting her be the gate keeper even though I do the footwork.
Then and now I was always amazed at the number of men and couples that would fuck anything that moved and expected sex if they were to meet you. Even when I was lost in it I wanted to feel a connection with whoever I’m sleeping with.
I hope Mr KQ wakes up soon!

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