Is there a place for common humanity on a site like this?

Is there a place for common humanity on a site like this?

    | Feb 16, 2020
I have been involved in an ongoing 'chat' with another person on another site. This chat has ranged from general chit chat, getting to know each other, to more risque flirting of a sexual nature. All with the intention for a IRL meet to see if reality meets expectation and whether it will progress.

In short a date was organised with 3-4 days notice. A day of so prior to the date I had an experience of a very personal nature which had a reasonably profound emotional effect on me. An existential crisis if you will. As a result I felt that it would not be in either parties' interest to meet and I cancelled. Due to the amount of information passed between us and a general sense of rapport built I felt somewhat obliged to outline the details of this event and how it had effected me, emotionally, and the mental state I was in at the time. In short I expressed, and, therefore, exposed myself in an emotional and vulnerable way that I rarely do, even to those I am close to.

The response was something along the lines of it being "just a stepping stone in life and only I could go through it". This 'fortune cookie' philosophy left me astounded, cold and questioning.

Not 'R U Ok?" "Do you need to talk?" "Is there anything I can do?" "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" None of that 'showing care' type terminology.

So my question(s) are:

1. Is there any place for common humanity / compassion / empathy / on a site like this? Or rephrased "Is there any responsibility to act in the interests of another person if you tell you they are struggling with something, even if that is counter to your interest?

2. A more global question / statement about Mens Mental Health and the ever increasing suicide rate, particularly of men in my age group.

I am a pretty open and in touch guy who has reached out in the past but is now very wary of who and how and to what degree I express myself. If I feel this way then it is highly likely other men feel even more confined and confused about how to express themselves in times of crisis.

It is no wonder the rate is increasing and the message "you can talk to me anytime, it's ok to cry / be emotional / be sensitive" or the ever increasing, invalidating, "It's ok - you got this" is nothing more than meaningless BS to most men.

Are the women on this site concerned at all about this issue? or is it simply a case of as long as there is a hard c**k to f**k I don't care what is attached to it?

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moan_a_lisa   Woman 50yrs

Unfortunately there are many who dont and wouldnt give a rats arse about anyone and how they threat others. Tbh its online and u cant be much more than data on a page.

U cant invest or be too open on line. Its why chatting longer than neccessary causes multiple issues.

My advice keep chat to just enough to figure out if u want to meet. Then keep it casual, simple and short meet first.

Dont feel bad about being honest, or being clear about current state. U provide a reason for cancelling.
Seems like u just figured out that the other person wasnt worth your effort.
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Couple Man 38yrs Woman 57yrs

Firstly let me say I am hoping that you are doing OK .
I feel that by giving an explanation into why you cancelled , you were firstly opening up to them and showing them a bit more of your true self . This is the only way we get to get know people . I think by giving an explanation they would’ve felt not ‘fobbed off ‘ , with the hope of meeting at a later date when the dust had settled. Kudos to you .
Sadly not all people can show empathy or they simply don’t know what to say . Maybe in hindsight you dodged a bullet not meeting up with the other party .
Wishing you good luck in what perhaps has been a rocky road . Personally I think it’s a good thing to reach out to others in times of emotional turmoil even on such forums as RHP .
I do also take into account , many people have their own demons to deal with and feel they cant take on others problems . Some use the likes of RHP to escape real life and they haven’t the energy to give to others .
Goodluck with everything .
A x
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Woman 48yrs

I understand where you're coming from

I'm concerned and support RUOK and Mandate (mental health &mens cancer) and everything that goes with. My concern is you became emotionally attached and too personal during your message exchanges. All you had to do was state "something very personal has come up. I'm happy to still met you. Can I get your number to call you, please". It makes you sound genuine. That way you can have a quick chat and if she is happy, she will state to met you. Simple but effective. 👌

Ms Foxy

PS sadly, some choose not to be involved with anyone with mental health. That's OK too, if they want too. Their choice.
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Woman 48yrs

Not all women are just interested in cock or Dick. ,

Some of us do advocate for men. I know I do! As I believe there is not enough support out there for men/males who need the support, for various mental issues, as sole parents etc. Men have feelings and rights to services, just as much as women do. Hope you're OK, OP?? 😊

Ms Foxy
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usebi   Man 60yrs

You know already.

Question 1; No

Question/statement 2. Totally agree with your assessment.

The only way you you can express emotion is from a position of fortitude and control.

“I lost my job today, I feel a bit lost and helpless”= loser

“I lost my job today, but that’s ok I could use a break and I’m looking forward to a change in direction “ your all good.

Being emotional and out of control is not a good look and will cultivate nothing but contempt, fear and provide nothing but a stick to beat you with.

Being emotional is ok, as long as you can show you’ve got a handle on it, fess up to weakness and chaos and your cat food.
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Couple Man 40yrs Woman 38yrs

We’re all fighting our own battle and the idea that men’s health is somehow women’s problem is stupid. Women have to look after themselves and men have to look after themselves and we all have to look after each other! Enough of this men v women BULLSHIT. Just because men succeed more with suicide does not mean they’re in a worse place, women try more but don’t succeed as often, we’re all fucked up and that’s obviously her way of dealing with it, to try and give you inspiring words rather than throw you a pity party, I don’t see anything wrong with that but I’m sure there was probably more to it if your so bothered by it.

Did you discuss this with her or just come here to discuss it behind her back?
Was she actually mean or are you just upset that she didn’t ask if you’re ok? Because it sounds like you’d already expressed that you were not ok so it seems like that would have been a stupid question at that point...

Question, do men care about women’s health or is it all about a warm hole to stick your cock in? Do you think women don’t feel confined and confused? We’re supposed to be fucking superwomen these days AND carry ALL the fragile people in our lives to a safer place. The old the young and the frail minded, majority of their care falls on women, imagine what’d happen if we really stopped caring and did none of that stuff!

This is a HUMAN problem and we should be working on it together, not making it a competition and blaming each other. .

Ms Phoenix.
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Couple Man 40yrs Woman 38yrs

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Man 41yrs

Imo this is a sex site and not a dating site for which you want a long term relationship to develop (not saying that can't happen) and unfortunately any mental health issues are a red flag as a great portion of sex is mental rather than physical..
If you're having issues mentally than it relates to how good the sex would be and for women with the abundance of choice they steer away from any man who is suffering mentally..
We all do suffer from mental health issues at one point in our lives and it can be compounded on a site like this from a male perspective because rejection can make you feel worthless and incapable of attracting a female.
This is not a reflection of society as your true friends would be there to support you through any rough patch your going through but in here it can be a dealbreaker and they move on to the next regardless of who or what type of person you are.
Woman have a greater ability to talk about their emotions with their friends but men seem to struggle to open up as this is seen as a weakness which is ingrained in men from society..slowly this attitude is changing as suicide is the number one killer for men aged 49-52 and it is a major issue.
I have witnessed one of my best mates go from down and out and doing a great deal of work mentally over a couple of years and now he's at the point of thriving in his life where woman are attracted and coming from all different directions.
I suggest to any male who is struggling with mental health issues to steer clear of a site like this and work on their own mental state amd come back when your in a good place as this will pay dividends greater than you imagined..
I wish you all the best and life does get easier from the down times if you focus on oneself first and foremost.

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deepestpurple   Man 37yrs

Sexual attraction

Emotional neediness in men is a boner killer for women. They are attracted to emotional strength. This woman was attracted to you and you killed that for her and all the possibilities she had imagined that could come from that. She reacted coldly perhaps as a passive aggressive outlet for anger or as a warning shot to cease and desist this course of action before she loses all attraction for you. At this stage of your relationship, sexual attraction is about her only connection with you.

There's no point getting upset at women for being what they are. Likewise, men in emotional distress can usually benefit from some feminine energy and pretending we don't is not helpful either. Men need to understand that they are able to receive emotional support from women just not from women whose primary interest in them is sexual attraction.

Mothers, sisters, aunties, friends are all better places to go looking for emotional support than sexual partners. It is what it is and it isn't that bad. If you don't have any of these avenues then you are either very unlucky in life or more likely have not invested enough of your own energy into developing and maintaining an emotional support structure.
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noeleena   Woman 72yrs

Emotional needs


I have been working with women for many years and keeping them ...SAFE...wether on the many forums I,m on or real life and day to day contact.

what I see today is a breakdown with in the human side of life ,a very much don't care for other,s and get what you can or take what you can get away with .

We went through the depression years and I was brought up with very little yet we my Mom and I did well scrimp and save , how we got on with other,s was very different from today, we looked out for other,s and helped as we could , so what I see is how we were brought up and taught,

What you have written is no surprise to me , wether its just lend an ear or work out how to get through a problem or how best to help. this is about all sections of life .

Its an attitude that we are saddled with in this day and age . yet don't for get not all of us are like that. you just have to find us or we find you. if we are intune we will be there,

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Couple Man 40yrs Woman 38yrs

I’m making some assumptions here....

But what did you want her to reply with exactly ??

My interpretation of your perception of her reply was that she was merely saying “thanks for letting me know, but go deal with what you need to deal with....”

How is that not an understanding and compassionate response??

Mr Dragon
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Miss_Falconer   TV/CD 56yrs


Will step back from another's problems if you are yet to meet. Different if you had met and a connection of sorts was made.
Remember many people here have come from emotional turmoil amidst relationship breakups. This is often their first foray back on the saddle. They are not able or prepared to deal with serious issues after an online chat.
I know if l hardly knew someone and was confronted with serious issues l would weigh up the situation and put my own mental well being first and foremost. If one is in a good place and able to offer help well and good. But don't expect it from an online source and don't diss someone for stepping back. Remember, you don't know their past either.
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Miss_Falconer   TV/CD 56yrs

That was Many not Ment....

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nightingale8   Woman 34yrs

To your first question, no, online strangers are not responsible for offering emotional support to you no matter what you tell them. That you expect this would be a red flag for me.
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Woman 48yrs


I agree!

Ms Foxy
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Woman 40yrs

Sorry but no, not my problem or responsibility. Sounds callous but I'd find it rather off putting if someone shared their emotional crisis l/issues with me and VERY uncomfortable if I sensed that they sought emotional support from me. Different story if you're a friend or loved one but not someone that i just chat to, no way hozay. I also would never unburden to someone else, would find that personally quite embarrassing.
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Man 37yrs


I agree with both Dragon-Phoenix responses and some others. Considering you had never met it is still realistic for a somewhat stranger to make the suggestion that only you have enough true involvement and knowledge about the situation you face, to make the best judgement about how to proceed. I thought that would be seen as sound reasonable advice. You still can turn to other support or professionals. While she did not offer a shoulder to cry on or similar equivalent communication, does not mean you needed to fly to the other complete extreme, which seemed like a rant/question about nobody in this world caring about anyone else especially on a site like this. Like someone else suggested, there are also reasons for some to keep distance which might include their own problems.

I disagree with usebi as it seem to suggest that either it is not ok to not be ok, which is the opposite of advice to those facing depression or emotional turmoil, or perhaps that it is ok to not be ok as long as you hide it behind a facade of strength (and keep your problems to yourself or perhaps only professionals). I do perhaps agree though with the premise that many people will see any emotional insecurity or turmoil as a red flag to stop being involved any further especially for initial dating (which is hard to see if that is the case without any more information or whether it was just a break to give you time to try to sort things out). After all people decide against dating others on really superficial things as well. I think the idea was about being proactive, but not everybody is automatically proactive when something really bad happens, the reaction which might include grief or loss or despair is perfectly natural and in the long run beneficial, provided it is recovered from. Most people need to go through the reaction before they get to the proaction, those that are always proactive or in control might not be best to relate to anyone actually suffering from sadness or depression or any loss of control.
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Ragdata   Man 45yrs

Interesting ...

Vlad, there's so much going on in that post that I really don't know where to begin, and I'm pretty sure you're not going to like any of what I have to say - but I'll try to be as gentle as I can.

1) I get the feeling that you spend a lot of time online - maybe too much? Yes, you're talking to real people, but in a disconnected way, and it kinda shows.

2) the person you were chatting to was obviously trying to be kind - is your issue that she wasn't trying to be kind enough?

3) you've made an assumption about the motivation and meaning of her response. A classic blunder in the new world of text communication where we receive, at best, 20% of the content of a message without the benefit of hearing inflection in tone, posture, and the rest.

4) why place so much stock in a conversation with a person you've only ever known a tiny part of (see point #1)

5) google the term 'incel' lest you become one - this post shows you dangerously close to a slippery slope you DO NOT want to slide down

Dude, I get you're having a bad time - but ranting in an online forum does not give the impression that you're looking for healthy ways to resolve your issues. And before you're tempted to respond with a slew of justifications to each of my points, remember, it's YOU who decided to present this glimpse of a fractured and decidedly broken version of yourself in a forum dedicated to the basest of human pursuits.

Discretion is the better part of valour. Go get some help - from a real human or humans - in person like. I feel for you my dude, but this was not your wisest of moments.
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MsJonesy   Woman 53yrs

Not everyone

Has the capability, nor capacity to offer what you thought appropriate. We all have our own backgrounds, and we all are impacted by them. Others, such as myself, professionally provide the support you seemed to want from this person, and quite frankly, my answer to a person who I have not met and have only had an online interactions with would be similar...although I would ask if you have someone in RL could support you. Why? Because I don't know you, and I therefore could not support you more than token platitudes.

See...its not that I don't care, I just choose how much I get involved in other people's emotional turmoils. I think the person you confided in did just that - they chose not to get involved at this stage. There are people from this site who I have provided substantial support to, and will continue to if they need it, because I have a relationship with them (far more than just having had chats as you have had). This person does not know you.

To answer your question, yes of course I care about men's mental health - and women's... and young people.... and kids... and everything in between. But I choose to offer support to those who I know. And I don't really care if they have a cock.... and if they do, whether it is hard or not 😩
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Thank you for your input.

@Moan-a-lisa - thank you for responding. Yes you're right I may have saved some time, re screening potential playmates.
I disagree about data on a page. I may be on my own here, but I often get an insight into another person from the way words are chosen, sentences constructed and information compiled that either attracts or not.

And I respect that everyone has their own methods of determining whether further investigation is warranted.

@teamaj2: Thank you for your well wishes. Yes I am fine. Your other comments are noted and appreciated. It's all good feedback.

@Superfoxxxy -- too true, I didn't need to at all but I just thought - if it was me as the other party a flippant I can't make it would have left me feeling strange, so I did not want that for her so felt a need to extrapolate. BTW I would do it again, everytime, as that is how I am wired. I am not pissed off at the other party at all. It's just that it got me thinking about modern forms of communication and etiquette and where that fits my own personal perspective and also to gain others perspectives has been enlightening to say the least.

I appreciate your other post and can confirm I will survive.

@usebi. Wise words friend, wise words indeed. Sometimes easier said than done, though.

@DragonPhoenix: thank you for your perspective. I am sorry that my post was interpreted in this way, as a battle of the sexes.

I can honestly say that it was not intended to come out like that. Your observation that it is a human problem is noted and appreciated.

FWIW - gender in this instance does not carry much weight with me personally. I know many men who I have been able to confide I, share thoughts, emotions and feelings. To assume care is a gender specific trait is not my reality.

Thank you all for your responses. The digital introduction age is a new frontier for me, and one which I must adapt to, all your thoughts and words have been curated and will have an effect on my future online behaviours.

And for that I am very grateful.

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