Online Dating the Ugly Truth

Online Dating the Ugly Truth

    | Dec 02, 2019
moan_a_lisa   Woman 50yrs

It is so difficult to treat each person as a
individual and not just assume they will behave just as many before them.





Whether its RHP, AMM, Tinder, POF, Oasis, RVSP or Elite Singles. The way
we interact is steadily becoming worse and I have to wonder where will it stop
and will it become part of real life. We have to get off these apps
occasionally and get out and meet people socially. As a society we are losing
basic social skills and treating people like a throw away commodity.





If u had to stop and think just for a moment before you text. Ask
yourself a question would I say that to a person face to face I just met. Would
I treat people this way if in their company.







Have you ever been at a pub or club and noticed how many people of all
ages communicating online instead of the people right in front of them. It's
being alone in a crowded room.







Yesterday on Netflix I happen to come across a TV series called Hot
Girls Wanted: Turned On.



Season 1 Episode 2 Love me Tinder.





Story line a guy in his 40's serial online dater. Bad repetitive
behaviour and unable to actually discuss any problem that came up. He would
just ghost and on to the next woman. Once he was made aware his effect on
others lives it was a wakeup call for him.





Please watch it then come back and tell me if it made you stop and think
about your own experience's online.




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SuperFoxxxy  

Woman 48yrs

Watched it tonight

The 40 yr old man (James who was on Big Brother)...I don't think he actually relized how bad his behavour was till he was confronted and actually had a discomforting raw conversation with one woman he dated. Do I think he will change?...nah he's addicted while on the apps.

Yes, living real life is amazing and also having real face to face relationships.

Ms Foxy

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teamaj2  

Couple Man 38yrs Woman 56yrs

69 Model

I totally agree with you with all the points that you have raised. I’ve voiced the exact same things to my partner .

Dating whether it be RHP or RSVP sometimes lacks in human decency and respect . I think that we ,as couple , treat people as we would hope to be treated . We are only drawn to those that can communicate not just one line replies . We have not become cynical and we believe that there is respectful , fun ,like minded amazing people out there still . Some of whom we have met via RHP . Others we have met at events where thankfully phones are safely locked away.
We are sadly a society addicted to online and the quick fix in all that we do . It’s understandable , alot of us are time poor . We agree more social interaction with the person in front of you instead of checking emails and answering Sms is of utmost importance .
Thank you for Netflix recommendation , they are always most welcome .
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EarthQueen   Woman 49yrs

Yeah I've seen that episode

I found it quite sad. To me he seemed frightened of intimacy and like Foxy said addicted to the chase.
Seemed like a pretty hollow existence in the long term.

I think online dating can easily become that. Hollow and repetitive. If I feel at all jaded I just delete the apps or block messages and give myself a break. (which is like 80% of the time) and concentrate on real life. Theres no point trying to meet people if I'm not in the right headspace because you want to feel excited going on dates or meeting people, be it for sex or otherwise.

I have a girlfriend who is constantly looking on apps and constantly dating. She attaches too much importance to these interactions and is constantly feeling deflated that she can't find a partner or that the dates don't work out to be "The One". I think it's just a symptom of feeling lonely and isolated in a disconnected society. It can easily become a mental health issue if you let it.




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FatFunFiesty   Woman 39yrs

Yes I've watched that series. Interesting. Relatable.
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MsJdays   Woman 45yrs

All we have to do is look at the bus stops, train stations, cafes of people waiting for their morning coffee and restaurants of people disengaged with society and glued to their phones. It’s sad. I don’t have any expectations that the person on the end of an app will consider me at all. A lot of people are online killing time really. I am very conscious that I don’t use my phone when engaging with people or in any situations above unless it’s an emergency. The world would be a better place if we all communicated more , and better. Off to watch your Netflix recommendation OP.
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Samnite   Man 53yrs

Totally agree with 1969_model

Yes, I have observed all the behaviours mentioned. I have seen how people would rather engage with strangers on the internet rather than interact with strangers right next to them. On the one hand, engaging with strangers online seems to be less stressful because many people can get away with numerous things (e.g. sending dick pics, sleazy comments, abusive words, etc) with minimal consequences. We all know that the same behaviour to a real person would entail significant consequences.

I find the saddest aspect is that most have become so addicted to their devices that they would rather bury their faces in one rather than interact with their friends when sitting right next to them. They join dating apps, meetup apps, facebook pages that hold events all in order to meet people. Then they bury their faces in their device when they go to meet people.
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non_such   Man 54yrs

it's not just dating sites

I don't think this problem is limited to dating. I see it in all interactions online, whether it is dating sites, talk boards, news sites, hobbies, enthusiasms, whatever. Don't even get me started about political discourse online.
The internet is an echo chamber where those with low self-esteem can voice their opinions anonymously without fear of contradiction or interruption, and it breeds a sense of entitlement.
I posted a photo of my motorcycle on an enthusiasts' website looking for parts, and got dozens of messages telling me what was wrong with my bike and what an asshole I was for riding such a thing. Out of sixty messages I got maybe two that were helpful and informative, and I consider that a good result.
I now treat the internet like roulette: you have a 1 in 36 chance of hitting the right number, which is about the same odds as getting a message on the internet that will make you smile. I disregard the rest as just white noise.
I work from the premise that everyone online is an idiot until proven otherwise by demonstrating respect, honesty, intelligence, tolerance, curiosity, humour, authenticity, and accurate spelling.
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Online dating the ugly truth




I agree re phones...I saw a couple out for dinner the over night and they both hardly said a word to eachother as they were both glued to their phones...how rude and pointless being together...The lack of respect in society can be blamed on a lot of todays problems....where will it end !!!
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usebi   Man 60yrs

I thought

Talking to people in real life was a micro aggression ?

Can’t win.

I don’t disagree with you I’m just sick of all the blame and victimhood.

My shell is getting thicker and I spend more time under it.
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Dragon_Phoenix  

Couple Man 40yrs Woman 37yrs

I haven’t seen it but I’ll try to get a glimpse on the weekend....

But...

The whole idea of online dating apps are to eliminate the very points that you raise...that being to find your picket fence type dream(whatever that looks like for you) without all the fuss....

It’s entirely transactional and impersonal...but you can’t have your cake and eat it too....

I’m not suggesting that disrespect should be acceptable either...I’m merely referring to the process being transactional and impersonal....

Mr dragon
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AnnieWhichway   TV/CD 55yrs

Good reason

That the current generation 2000 onward is called "The new silent generation"


They don't talk, too busy with Mr Google.
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SuperFoxxxy  

Woman 48yrs

The 40yr old, James

Watching the show, James has actually taught us how players behave and why they behave that way they do. We really do need to thank him for the education.

Ms Foxy
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countrytouch82  

Man 37yrs

...

I watched through most of the episode, which I found elsewhere online (no netflix).

My experiences online for the longest part have been not so much a "serial online dater" as above, but a serial online "attempting to date(r)".

I've been on, or am on, all of those OP mentioned sites minus Elite Singles (so not me haha), but also others in the past. RSVP for instance has been around since my adulthood, and I have met the most in person for conventional dating via that site.

Prior to that I had also attempted to date via "real life". My occupation in transport occasionally allowed me to meet potential female suitors in person (often working in retail etc), and unlike the serial daters I would concentrate on just one at a time (not that there was a choice lol). That meant, trying to have at least a few conversations with them before asking them out, which I thought would show I wasn't just trying to hook up based on their presence but that I really wanted to know about them. Also, by conversing first, it often also told me via conversation topics (what did you get up to on the weekend" etc) IF they were actually single at all. So then I didn't have to actually ask in those cases. As it happened, the great majority that I did end up asking told me that they weren't available. So online dating and singles nights, speed dating etc were also things I tried.

As smartphones and relevant dating apps evolved, contrary to the experiences of those in concentrated populations, I only met one person in two years of Tinder, and none via the other apps (and ironically rarely got any match conversations started via Bumble where women must message their matches first, so go figure...). On these apps, people search by proximity, however I still got matches by being in Melbourne for much of the working week (yes there are also fake GPS apps too, to help perhaps).

In my rural setting, I see it differently, I value very much so any time spent in female company be it for intimacy, dating, or platonic friendships. I don't take anyone for granted. And I try very hard not to unintentionally screw anyone around. Although I have still upset intimate friends and been upset by them in turn, something I guess is inevitable despite our best efforts. I relate to the scene in the episode where one (the woman) is upset and in tears about feeling so confused and anxious.

Like the guy in the episode was appearing eventually to learn, yes, you can still have casual liasons/sex, BUT you still have to be mindful of feelings and be open, and discuss where both people are at any given moment, not string anyone along under false assumptions or expectations. Whether you meet online or not.

Texting and messaging, in general, almost counts as "online", in that apart from emoticons etc, you are without nuances such as body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, all the things that can make pure text sometimes seem bland and heartless even if you try to say the right things. Because of the lack of emotions it can make people feel distant. And it's so easy to just ghost. It helps more to keep contact with those you already know, but in the getting to know you phase, I'm not sure it assists anything near the in person contact, or video or normal phone conversation.



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Supernova  

Man 34yrs

Just on the social interaction thing: definitely some very good points about how we are becoming disengaged, as mentioned earlier - the restaurant table scenario I’ve also seen far too often!!

And it made me realise how grateful I am for my shitty phone battery.

Basically, my phone battery can’t even last a full day without charging it.

So, when I’m out and about in the world, I’m actually forced to turn off my phone, and only turn it on when I ACTUALLY need it.

At first I considered my dying phone a pain in the ass and I should probably get a new one...but also it’s been a refreshing detox from constantly checking news, social media and dating apps, or whatever trivial question I felt I needed the answer to immediately.

The result is that my head is up, on the tram in looking out the window and taking in life...

...wait, what was the topic again..?
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moan_a_lisa   Woman 50yrs

Trying to see your point of view




Quoting 'usebi'

Talking to people in real life was a micro aggression ?

Can’t win.

I don’t disagree with you I’m just sick of all the blame and victimhood.

My shell is getting thicker and I spend more time under it.
Had to look up exactly what micro aggression means. So it's meant to be harmless behaviour, however if repetitive can have opposite effect. So its repetitive if one person has the same micro aggression from many people.
Either way seems you are also isolating yourself from interaction. Just think perhaps if each person just took a little time to let the other person know what they thought of their behaviour then each time they heard it may actually start to have an impact. One can live in hope.



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moan_a_lisa   Woman 50yrs

Dragon _Phoenix


Mr Dragon - You may have to go over that again for me as I don't get what your trying to say.
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bonefide   Man 56yrs

Supernova so true

The tried and true method of venture out into the real world to make it happen, like stopping to smell the roses, (if not allergic).




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Mask_007   Man 44yrs

I'm must say, all of that makes me feel so old... i can't do these online business. Is to hard to keep up...
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non_such   Man 54yrs

Hot Girls Wanted...

I watched that show.
They must have searched hard to find the shallowest guy available:
former reality TV contestant,
working in hospitality
in the shallowest town in the world: Las Vegas,
and apparently only dating blonde white girls more than ten years younger than him.
He was a sad man child.
Forty years old and still living in a shared rental with no possessions
except a big TV and a spookily large collection of hats.
Deeply insecure about his age and maybe his thinning hair (judging by the hats.)
Typical narcissistic pattern: date a girl for as long as she is giving you supply,
but then cut her off dead as soon as she does anything negative.
He actually admitted he had developed an online persona as a nice guy with old-school manners
because it yielded better results.
His Eureka moment at the end when confronted by the interviewer only resulted in him tweaking his
online search parameters to include women his own age.
I really hope he isn't a true example of the behaviour of single men online.

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Dragon_Phoenix  

Couple Man 40yrs Woman 37yrs

Ok...I hope this helps :)

So every online dating site that I’ve visited, be it as an active member or just having a look have all seemingly had the same marketing approach...

That is the advertisement that their online dating site is the best way to meet people and find what you seek, no fuss, join today and connect with likeminded individuals...

That essentially to me is entirely making relationships whatever their context, entirely transactional...it’s not promoting the personal touch like what I believe that you’re drawing focus to...we promote this box ticking before selection like as if we’re in the supermarket trying to find the best bbq sauce...and with 15 different brands, it’s easy to shove 14 back on the shelf...

To me that’s encouraging a transactional exchange more so than a personal connection when compared to meeting someone in the street where you know nothing about them other than your loins stir and you wish to progress to talking in an attempt to connect....

Mr Dragon

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