F52

A bit of a laugh...or a bit of advice....

April 20 2008

Saw this on a joke website and thought I'd share it with you guys...(PS this is not ment to offend anyone!) 40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!!!). 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off! 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it! 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not. 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention! 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember ... it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it. 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped. 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist. 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements. 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask! 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key! 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary. 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies! 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't. 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer. 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. Oh.... and you might not want to offer her a tip :)

Comments

RHP User

18 years ago

thank you very much, this bought a smile to my face and made the shitty weekend ive had feel a bit better... im just wondering is there a "40 mistakes women make" list as well or are you all perfect!!! lolz see ive had a shitty weekend - but non the less very very funny i will take pointers hehehehe Coldz

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RHP User

18 years ago

Two points I could modify for myself, but that's pretty on the money. Good find!! Viking

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RHP User

18 years ago

perfect!.. this should be a guideline for guys to try and undertsand women better.. i always try to give women pleasure first before i get mine.. sex isnt a one way thing.. it takes two to tango..

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RHP User

18 years ago

Hey dude: males are not a lot different from females... there are many things women do that male humans dont like.. but mostly male humans accept that... and get on with life.. go and google "retrosexual" - there is a two page print out on it.. about things male humans "Should" do.. if you dont tuely do or act out 80% of them.. get a sex change.. *said in kindness* if you stop wanting affirmation, you will find your days will be a lot happier :) kio

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RHP User

18 years ago

I can summarise all of womens mistakes into 1! Not doing as they are bloody well told! *and i'm not smiling*

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RHP User

18 years ago

This could turn out an interesting and funny read. Nice one Dimples.. I have fukked up at least 40 times...lol...so I came up with a game, the room has to be totally dark and you can only touch the person if they are implicent as to how... Anyhow, mistakes are part of the fun :) xx SnS

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RHP User

18 years ago

thanks dimples but after all that i seem to have lost my appetite and there was i thinking i had finally worked it all out

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RHP User

18 years ago

Here Here dimples !!!! Now how many men are going to read and take heed ! hmmmmmmm i wonder !!!! cheers tatts2 :-)

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RHP User

18 years ago

Even I have to admit that I wish some of my ex lovers have seen this!

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RHP User

18 years ago

now that ive got special instructions numbering 40- will i get dimples if i smile:) lol

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RHP User

18 years ago

I think this should be handed out at schools when boys get "the talk" not only would it be doing the world a reproductive favour the boys will enjoy sex alot more for a bigger part of their life. Its not just advice, they are bloody courtesies. The truely hilarious thing is that most men would read it and actually think its a joke that should be printed out and hung at work as a testament to how difficult women are,..... And the kicker is for every sexually stoopid guy laughing there is a woman sitting next to him with another guys number in her hand for when she wants a proper service!! MEN HEED THIS ADVICE OR YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF IN A DROUGHT

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RHP User

18 years ago

I hope all you guys reading this are taking notes :) shy xx

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RHP User

18 years ago

Now all I need is the right person to practice this on

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SirSpankalot1966

18 years ago

nobodys perfect esp not me but im willing to learn lol mmmmmmmm thanks for the tips Dimples might come in handy one day

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RHP User

18 years ago

Yes... read and noted I am not offended, I am sure the ladies are open to helpful advice as well.... Perfection takes practise anyway.... Communication with your partner is the best guide as she should be indicating what she likes and doesnt like if shes not saying anything and your still making these errors then communication is the first step As a male, didnt see it as a joke.... but a good forum post Cheers P&C

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RHP User

18 years ago

So thats why I'm in a drought?

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RHP User

18 years ago

Sugar_blue : to each their own eh? You want to know something? in a lot more cases then I care to try to list, I AM the owner of that other number... whatever the fck it is about me, or my smell, or my fckd attitude.. when LADIES get pissed at their quissling metrosexual toys.. they call someone to remind them how it USED to be.. I am not talking about when males lost track and became drunks and started to slap their women.. OR when they lost track more.. and started to allow... and even encourage the females to bitch slap them.... but.. back when men did what men HAD to do... Do I mind gettting a phone call to come service a female who i know only wants it because she is pissed at someone else? Not on your nelly kid... and do i try to be Mr fckn sensitive with her? PFFT.. again.. not on your nellie... I bite and scratch and claw and squease then hiss and growl like a fckn mad creature from hell.. .. then when I see it dawn on what she has done...and i see the self disgust come into her eyes.. I leave.. knowing she will call again... So, to all the women out there who THINK they have males by the balls?? you may have.. but, there are places you can NEVER go .. and creatures you can never tame :) and.. when you are next laying there.. pissed off about your mere male.. give me a call eh?? old and hairy.. like a damned silver back out of the jungle.. and just as fckn unlikeable.. but.. ....

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RHP User

18 years ago

Beinmg deaf myself, its hard to hear the "voice" of females when they reach orgasm.. but rest assure!! there is another way of finding out.. so.. Number 22 is easy.. and you dont need ears to work that one out :) Trust me.. ask any chick i been wif :P

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RHP User

18 years ago

Hey Willingdad....if you've had no complaints...I'm sure your technique is all good! But being willing to learn is a good thing too! You never know what delights your lover/s might have in store for you!

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RHP User

18 years ago

Good list, but there where 1 or 2 things that I found to be well, I think it’s fair to say not ever girl likes the exact same thing, some like it rough some don’t ect. It’s best just to be observant, respectful, take it one step at a time and you can just ask if there any thing she doesn’t do, or loves to have done to her, ok not very romantic but better then being annoying or boring them to sleep. keith

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A bit of a laugh...or a bit of advice....

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