M41
After 3 years my recently X Gf would not commit, Why ?
November 06 2009
Comments
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RHP User
16 years ago
Can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I've just broken up with the woman I loved and it is hard, I'm coping ok with it, but hadn't made the kind of progress you guys had in your relationship with regards to buying our own house (we rented together) or a wedding ring (was going to propose next year after I'd met her family).All I can say is, I hope you get through it all, you must be very upset.
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RHP User
16 years ago
so sorry to hear that!! it sounds as tho u may have to let her go or even stop all contact with her and see if she tries to make contact with u then u will know for sure if she did love u or not...
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playfulminx
16 years ago
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your ex but do your best not to let this turn you into a bitter, mistrusting man. Something like this is going to be hard to rise above but it's important that you don't become a victim and feel sorry for yourself.I'm sure your ex appreciated everything that you did for her and her child but at the end of the day, you started dating her at a terribly confusing time of this woman's life, and yes, to an extent now that the dust has settled she's worked out that she made a terrible mistake by involving a good man into her dilemma.I can't blame her for leaning on you at what must have been a scary time of her life: To know she's pregnant but no longer with the child's father. Not knowing what the future holds and wondering how to take care of herself and her baby. You must have seemed like her knight in shining armour. To be honest, I'm sure she loved you in a way but at some point she must have known in her heart that she didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. Over time, she probably got consumed by guilt for staying with you and letting you do all those good things for her, but with a child in the equation it's not easy to just announce that it's not working and walk away. I think it's cowardly of her to not sit down with you and discuss the issue before breaking up. Instead she fell in love with someone else and once she realised she had an opportunity to be happy elsewhere, she jumped ship. For that I feel very badly for you. No one deserves that. On the otherhand, I wonder if she was trying to tell you that things weren't working out for a long time (you said that she gave you reasons as to why you shouldn't move in together etc.), so maybe you didn't really want to face up to the truth yourself either and she figured this was for the best.If she's shown you enough signs in the past that she was never ready to commit to you, I really don't see her coming back to you sorry. I'm sure it hurts to be blocked out of her life but perhaps this is more a blessing as it will force you to move on. I personally think you would be better off moving on and leaving the door open for someone else to come in. I'll be hard getting over her but call it a huge life lesson and start afresh. Good luck!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thanester......I went through terrible pain..never dreamed I would divorce my hubby...I thought he was my soul mate and I would be with him forever. So it hurt bad what I had to do to save myself, son and him..We have come out better for it. You don't know it at the time but there is light after the mourning period..Give yourself time to heal..It will get better.. hugs sweetpetite41 xxxxx
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi Thanester,....the guy and gals are spot on whith what the're said.I ended my marrage after 27yrs.yet it wasnt an easydecision for me to make....I did what id for me and my 2 kids in the long run ( we're still friends).You can look at this way its better to have happen now than years down the road..with time you'll heal...She still has a lot of learning and growing to do.I feel for you!! and as you can see your not alone.my heart goes out to you all and .I wish you and everyone else a brighter and happier futurers xoxoxoxoxoxox
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RHP User
16 years ago
Man, follow your brain. It's tough love but sometimes people need to be let loose. From what you say she clearly doesn't want you back and there's absolutely no point in wondering if she ever will. Torturing yourself is useless... and remember that you really haven't lost anything. Tomorrow will be here soon. "Dry your eyes mate there's plenty of fish in the sea"... brilliant song by The Streets, brother. Hugs Gaz
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RHP User
16 years ago
well it seems that she could have done what she did to u today exactly ten years from now as well, then the magnitude of devastation would have been too immense. Helpful and caring people like u are exploited world wide bro but make sure she dosent change u coz that would be even worse.. regards tesla_1
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RHP User
16 years ago
I am in a similar situation to u... i split with my ex a few months ago, after 3 years together, we lived together and he was the only man in my daughters life for a very long time, he helped raise her, as i did his son, who was only a baby when we met. Our kids now 6 and 4, love each other to death and class the other as their brother/ sister. For that reason we have vowed to stay in each others lives, so the kids can still get together and play.bond etc. Now i must state: I left him, very abruptly actually.... something in me just snapped and i walked out, we had lived together for most of our relationship, and we bought our house TOGETHER in the first year and a half we were together. Now my odd situation is he is now in another relationship ( he canot stay single.. serious abandonment issues that i didnt help) and has been for a few months, BUT we live together still, and here is the shocking part, we still share a room and a BED. Now this was fine for a long time as after i had unfortunately broke his heart for no apparant reason, but then on different occassions we have both had feelings for each other again, I didnt cope real well with him moving on so quick, and sharing every detail with me! We both go through phases... and it doesnt help a friendship at all, and nor do i think either can completly move on till we live apart! Now i cant completly say what u should be doing as im not doing it myself, but my opinion is, no matter how much u love her , u need space, and to have no contact for bit, to see whether she being distanced from you will make her want u back.Just by being on this site, u have taken a step to moving on, i credit u for that!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Life throws some of us in life in a direction we dont anticipate.. My mum..due to certain circumstances...became pregnant with me when she was 17 When she was 3 months pregnant she met a wonderful man who loved her and the child she carried....me He married my mum 1 month after i was born and let me tell you i could never have asked for a better dad in my whole life. Genetics does not always make the perfect dad.....being there emotionally... right from the beginning is what counts.... So what i am saying is if you feel you have a connection to her child....your child....then let her know....this baby girl only knows you as her daddy...that counts for something... i know my dad is not my biological dad...but i would never have it any other way.... i love my dad.....no questions asked xxxpandaxxx
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey Mate...I feel for you..really Its a bloody tough time, and lots of questions go through ur head..Could i have done something different? Where did i go wrong? Everyone has there own reasons for leaving a relationship, and often they wont tell you the real reason. All i can say to you mate is get some professional help..DOnt go it alone..it really helps. If you need someone to talk to ring me ..0404483353..happy to lend an ear... Cheers Paul
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RHP User
16 years ago
tough luck dude but yea everybody here is sayin the right thing and feel the same. you should move on and eventually u will be back to normal. but the thing that i'm hoping is that she doesn't come back to you if the other thing didn't work expecting she can play wit ur emotions again or even worse...use the child to get wat she wants out of you. my cousin is in a similar situation and we are just watching him turn his life upside down and there is nothin we can do about it.
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RHP User
16 years ago
There has been some great advice given already. 2 things I'd like to add 1. Being desperate and hounding her may just drive her further away, give her the space necessary to sort out her head and take that time to work on you. What you're going through is grief, hurt and anger. Don't let this affect your life and your mental health long term. Get some help to deal with all this stuff, try your local Dads in Distress if you want a non judgemental support group, they will also be able to point you towards other assistance if you need it. As blokes we normally don't have the emotional support network that women have and right now that is what you need. 2. Get hold of a book called "No more Mr nice guy". I don't agree with everything in there but it has some great messages about self respect, healthy boundaries, failing in relationships when putting a woman on a pedastel (it gets lonely up there and they can never live up to your expectations in their heads), and being a little bit selfish when required. It sounds to me like you almost gave to much. Good luck, hang in there and talk to people, here, in your life, as much as you need to.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Well said Minxy, my thoughts exactly, and written so well. Kudos! Thanester, so sorry this happened to you, tis not a nice thing. As some one suggested some professional help in this area, will help you cope. Just another thought, Thanester. Now I don't know the girl or her background either. So you would know if this fits with her behaviour. Some ppl come from an environment where they are used to being treated badly, possibly all their life, sometimes only in relationships. Although they crave a better life, their brain is so wired to them not deserving it, and they tend to push away when it feels good, because it is their coping mechanism not to get hurt again. They can also do the come back and leave thing a few times as well, which needs counselling from the start to try an overcome that and deal with the issues. There is also another group, coming from the same background, who crave drama and excitement, even if it is NEGATIVE. Perhaps your nice couple life became a little mundane and routine, and she is creating a drama or the military guy is creating a little excitement to stir that side up again, which unfortunately does hurt you. If this does fit her profile, then make sure you dont play the yo yo game and get her some help with her self esteem. Best of luck Thanester. xxMiss Honeyxx
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey man, I been in similar situation when I was your age, but thankfully no children involved. Every one has given you good adviceand the only thing I could add is that a couple of the girls I miss out on when I was your age have since said to me that I was too nice and tried to hard. I don't know if that is your story to but if it is you might want to get some advice from a site called "nomoremrniceguy", it took me too long to find the help I needed, and I hope you find what you need sooner,cheers, RHG
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RHP User
16 years ago
Just remember that it is these experiences that shape us for future relationship, and make us better, stronger people.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi, I am so sorry for what you have been through, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Everyone has given you lovely supportive and understanding advice, I'm sure you will pull through if you take care of yourself and let people help you. I don't know what you intend doing, but as you have brought her child up as your own, if you did want to have contact with the child, you can legally fight for some access under the federal Shared Parental Responsibility Act, as a "special person" in the child's life. If you want some more info just inbox me or message me here in the forums. The lost of a partner is horrible, but to loose a child you have loved makes it even worse. Best wishes and hugs xxxxx lovebittenxoxoxoxo
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RHP User
16 years ago
Your story reads much like mine. I was maybe 2 weeks away from proposing, as we were travelling europe together, and i want to ask in paris... It is definently a hard thing to cope with, and i admit i still think about it often... But then you sometimes meet someone who can make you forget all about it. I havent found that person yet, But I am sticking to the rule of "Dont look for love, love finds you". We are both still early twenties, take the time to party and enjoy life! Since then, I have kinda offloaded all my 'responsibilities' such as house and work, and am living life like i shouldve back then. And really, without disrespecting women on here, if it has tits or wheels, its gonna cause trouble!! Head up, and enjoy life!
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RHP User
16 years ago
lol never_enough_fun.... here's another one to add to the anecdotal descriptions.... again... not intending to offend... but "if it flies, floats or fucks, never buy one... just rent it". Hugs Gaz
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RHP User
16 years ago
I feel for you mate, 18 months ago I forgave the mother of my child for leaving me for another bloke a year before and moved into her place with my daughter after 9 months I bought the second engagement ring for her (id thrown the first off a bridge when she left me the first time) 6 months ago I came home and realised she had taken my door key off my key ring when I rang she said if I didnt stay away from the house she would call the police I hadnt done anything!After that she pulled the same as when she left the first time and said I couldnt see my little girl just out of spite/guilt over leaving me etc... and Id done nothing I treated her like gold.Its hurt real bad for a while but I'm ok now the only advice I can give is that no matter how bad it feels no matter how much it hurts how crazy you feel your going it will get better with time I know irs such a cliche but the old wisdoms are always the best just remember you did your best look after no.1 and most importantly dont get self destructive drinking etc.. I went down that road dont go there dosnt help and if you feel overwhelmed and you need to go talk to someone dont feel or think it makes you weak it just means you cared a hell of a lot.And aftergoing throught the legal system over custody rights etc.. because youve been the childs father in name and action since she was born you have as much rights by law as the biological father when it comes to visitation etc.. chin up bud...all will pass
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RHP User
16 years ago
As you can see by the above posts your not alone in this .... I have experienced this same sort of situation, my solution was travel.... I needed to get as far away as possible. I was so depressed and upset i didn't think i was strong enough to keep going but i did its now 5 years later and im the happiest ive ever been. I recommend a holiday... go overseas, explore australia .... sell your home and the memories you had and just go.... Its hard but think of the experience you will get from it.. Your still very young and have so much ahead of you. It will be painful for a while but seriously its worth it in the end. I don't know this girl but if she can just walk away like that with all the love that you gave her then hunny shes not a keeper... but there will be one out there one day... Go and live life theres so much more then just settling down, you will be surprised at the adventures you will have. xxxxx Funfun
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RHP User
16 years ago
yeah mate ,im really feeling for you, i have had the same expieriance in the past ,,and have split with my last ex not long ago,,mate i like the take the holiday idea,,,and mate head of to pattaya in thailand,,,,im more than sure the girls over there will help to ease the pain of what you have been through,,,thats if you dont mind asian girls,,,,,the ladies over here could certainly learn alot from the girls over in thailand,,,and girls before you get of your horses ,,i still think that caurcasion girls are still the most beutiful....cheers and i hope things get better for you .......
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RHP User
16 years ago
I was with my parntner for 7 !/2 years when he dumped me. Reason he wanted sex with other women and told me the other week he didnt want a long term relationship or marriage. Thing is he is still living in my house, separate bedrooms. But it hurts when he comes home from seeing all these other women and i know what he's been doing. But apparently im not normal cause all men want and do this. No im not adventurous im just one on one AND he is the one that put me onto this site. YES i still love him, but fat lot of good it has done me. YES im still bitter, im sorry
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RHP User
16 years ago
Yo man I feel for you too. Six years of a relationship, built a business and my ex ran off with a bikie! But I am still alive got my sanity back and will keep looking for the love of my life till i die!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Yo man I feel for you too. Six years of a relationship, built a business and my ex ran off with a bikie! But I am still alive got my sanity back and will keep looking for the love of my life till i die!
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RHP User
16 years ago
no it is not normal for guys (well most of them anyhoo) to stray. I for one want a one on one relationship, long term till death us do part so to speak. Thought I had it but, like i said I will keep trying till my last breath to find the woman of my dreams
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