M46
Between a rock and a hard place - help
September 22 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
Are you able to supply a little bit more information ? For instance ...do you know if shes medicated and more importantly if she takes her meds ? Bipolar disorder - formally known as Manic depression is still so widely misunderstood, with myths still surrounding it Bipolars tend to not take their meds at times so they can experience and work with their manic (mania) stage.... this stage in the cycle tends to be the most "creative, mind expanding" time ...and many bipolars adore this part of the cycle...remember though what goes up must come down and the depressive cycle, usually lasts longer than the manic stage...and the higher the high..the lower the low If medicated..the person tends to (most of the time) be on a level playing field (if you can define level and normal...are any of us normal ?) and their cycles tend to be rarer (however major trauma and stress can trigger a phase of either manic/dpressive) Myself personally I would be would be concerned if anyone told me that they loved me after 4 weeks...normal or bipolar..I mean what is love ??????????????. Bipolars do experience intensity of feelings but usually only during the manic phase..... Bipolars are completely normal (what is normal ?) people.....they suffer from a chemical imbalance in their brain (lack of seratonin) it can be genetic or alternatively a bipolar episode (s) can, as stated before triggered by trauma or stress...you may have a bipolar episode or you may be a medically diagnosed sufferer of bipolar - there are two types of bipolar - see info below You sound like your very keen on this girl and thats fantastic but like anyone with any illness (and it is a illness but a very treatable one ) arm yourself with knowledge...and be open to discussions with her. She has a illness but she is not defined by her illness...she is a person who has to learn to live with a illness though, which is still not socially acceptable A great site to go to is www.bipolar.com.au and also check out SANE Australia I am perfectly healthy in body and mind, and my experience with this kind of situation is rather limited, which is why it makes me feel a bit "scared" . Mmmm....I understand that you are scared (and this is a very brave post of yours) anything that we know little or nothing about is scarey....and you can change that and if your keen on this girl then I hope you seek advice from every source available about Bipolar, but most importantly from her.........however if I may just point two things out to you One..if you are blessed with both physical and mental health then treasure it and look after it.......we all have a DNA flaw...some of us its physical and some of us its mental...if you dont die due to injury, accident or homicide, then you will die from illness either genetic or environmental...we make choices...and I hope that you will look after your phsyical and mental health as best you can You say in your post..that you feel you are responsible for her.....that is a admirable statement but in the end we are all responsible for ourselves...you cannot take on anyone elses shit..be it if they have bipolar or not..you are responsible for yourself and your reactions. Its only been a month and I would say this to anyone entering in to the first flushes of a new relationship..take it slow and steady...do not sacrifice who you are....be true to yourself..be kind, have fun and enjoy each other.... and if its meant to be then in the end, it will.........., we control very little...except our reaction to anything given I wish you both all the best
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RHP User
13 years ago
The compassion in your post made me cry xxx Wonderful advice and another example of how RHP is much more than a 'sex site' :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
enjoy the time you spend together,the reason you are attracted to her is because she is who she is.It was brave of her to tell you about her condition.Just because she is bi polar doesn't mean she can't lead a normal life.It is others attitudes that often are the problem.The world would be a very boring place if we all behaved in the same way,were never spontaneous in expressing our feelings and lived our lives worrying about the end of something before it really begins.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Steve,Having an ex with a mental illness (not bi-polar) the two things that MsVelvet mentioned (great reply BTW) that would be high on my list is Meds and is she taking them as this has a huge bearing on their frame of mind. The other being to arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can. For me at the time when things all started to turn to shit, I had no idea or experience with mental illness and was very much in the deep end. For me, I did my best to make it work but in the end that wasn't enough.I admire your openness to put yourself out there and give it a go and wish you all the best.Cheers,W.
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RHP User
13 years ago
React to someone without bipolar disorder telling you she loves you after 4 weeks? This woman has been honest in telling you she has bipolar disorder however that does not make you any more responsible for her than if she did not tell you or if she didn't have it. In telling you she is making you aware, not making you responsible. One of the things people with mental illness and other disabilities want is to be treated normally so that is why I pose the question. What would you say to another woman who does not have bipolar? If you would tell her you want to take things slowly, then do that. If you truly are not looking for a permanent relationship tell her. If you are open to exploring an ongoing relationship and are nervous about it, share that with her. Sharing vulnerability strengthens relationships. MsVelvetBlue has given some good information and links. If you are going to remain involved, learn all you can, and learn as much from her as possible about what her illness looks like. What happens for her when she is manic? What happens when she is depressed? What are the indicators of an impending episode so that you know when and how to make an intervention and get her professional support. Thank you for raising this thread. Its one that we can all learn from. Good luck for the future. Whatever you do, please do treat this woman as "normal" and don't let the fact she has a mental illness define the way you respond to her. That would be so unfair to her.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It is scary situation as anything you say or do may set her off, and whilst you care for her you are not her responsibility, and it is not fair if she tries the emotional blackmail and make her your responsibility, if that is the case maybe ease off gently but sadly there may be a reaction what ever you do(not saying this is the case but you need to expect a worse case scenario and be prepared for it). You need to be up front and honest about the situation even though it may get a reaction maybe one you are not expecting, but you need to be firm and assertive, you don't have to give her all the information but just let her know you are not ready for a full on relationship. To let you know after four weeks she is in love with you should send warning bells, trust your gut feeling and by what you mention so far you have grave concerns. YOu need to take stock of the situation and perhaps get more information on websites and support groups, if you wish to pursue the relationship further. The next steps could be quite tricky as you need to handle with kit gloves, she may go through a roller coaster of emotions and want to take you on board, it sounds like you are not quite ready for that and you don't want to hurt her feelings. For me it would be way too early for a serious relationship, let alone with a person that has bi polar, I understand what it is about as I have a few friends and acquaintances with said condition. As friends it is a total different type of relationship but in one like yours I would feel like I have to tread on egg shells, like going through a mine field and hoping a bomb won't go off. Your first decision is: do you want to take this relationslhip further? If not you will have to be absolutely honest that you don't want it to get too serious at this stage - her reaction will give you and indication as to whether you want to pursue it further. If she is taking her meds regularly her emotions should be in check if she has a tendency not to, then how is it your responsibility? Do not be conned into thinking you are responsible for her, be careful that she is not going to use you as a crutch, a way out because she may think of you as her saviour instead of dealing with her own issues - I hope this makes sense, she is normal, just the degree of normal varies. You have already experienced another side of her, are you prepared for further episodes if she doesn't take her meds? I am not saying this in a cold hearted way, just making you be prepared for the worse case scenario and how you may wish to handle it(of course with kit gloves). Not saying things won't work out but you have to be prepared for erratic irrational behaviour and know how to deal with it, that is why there are support groups out there you could chek them out and make enquiries, ask pertinent questions relevant to you and her.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It may not matter what you say or how you say it, it may be interpreted wrongly(on a bad day), but if you be true to yourself and let her know you are not ready for a serious relationship. Remembering this is an adult website and not a dating site no one should really expect a serious relationship and should be prepared for that, hopefully she takes that all right but you never know with some people especially with bipolars, but at least you have cleared the air, what happens next could go either way, but you are not her responsibility(not meaning to sound cold, but it is what it is, a sex site, of course you will handle it with a more subtle and gentle approach). If you continue the relationship(per se) then it would have to be along those guidelines otherwise both parties may get hurt if one thinks it is more serious than the other, who knows how she will react if it goes on without the air being cleared, to say she loves you after 4 weeks should send warning bells and I personally think you must handle as swiftly and gently as possible no matter what the outcome, because sometimes there is no gentle way and who knows her reaction, it maybe taken well or not.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thank you for your kind words Ms V, however as you rightly pointed out I have left some info out. Firstly I would like to say that my "fear" does not come out of not being informed about her condition.She was really curageous and told me on our first date. I found her honesty to be breath taking,and the moment she uttered the words I felt so overwhelmed with curiousity, compassion and desire to know more. I have read a lot lately, trying to understand what people with bipolar experience or if you like, have to go through. Is a constant battle for them, and as you mentioned the rest of "us" (I am generalising here) are trying to stay away from people like "this". She tells me that she's taking her medication, and most of the time she is "herself". Every now and then I get glimpses of her extraordinary mind, she is cheeky, beautiful smile, and she seems to be so aware of a lot of "things" the rest of us wouldn't give it a second thought. But there are also moments when I feel that she is miles away and is very hard for us to communicate, I feel I cannot get to her. Relationships can be very hard even when something like this is not present, so the question still remains for me. On an emotional level, what if I am not able to get to the place she is in? What if I am not be able to love her the way she wants and/or need? What if continuing with her, and then we don't make it will tip her over the edge? Freya said " worrying about the end of something before it really begins" - Well I have to, I have to take into consideration her fragility. Yes I may be having a great time with her, and she may have a great time with me too, but I cannot dissregard the fact that all this "fun" it may affect her in a deeper way than it affects me. I cannot just have fun with her and not take into consideration consequences - hence "between a rock and a hard place" Araps - thank you man, it's good to know that there are other people out there who've experienced this. The "scary" thing is however that the "historic data" available related to bipolar, relationships, etc are not very encouraging. I never thought I would be "here" but I guess the best thing to do will be to maybe do some soul searching to figure out what I will be capable of taking in from another, and if I can how much or how far I will be able to go.
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RHP User
13 years ago
My ex is bi polar and it took a long time to sort her medication out so that she felt able to cope with the world and work. MsVelvet is pretty much on the money with her comments as many bi polar people find the Highs are were they function best and "feel" good. There is the corresponding lows that can be very difficult to deal with as there is a loss of motivation and self esteem that can lead to things like not getting out of bed for days, poor personal hygeine, or withdrawal of affection. I commend you on your post and hope your lady friend has a good psychiatrist as there are going to be times when it can feel all too hard to cope with. Don't forget that 1 person in 5 will suffer some form of mental illness and we can all help when our nearest and dearest are finding things a bit hard to deal with their demons. Mike
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RHP User
13 years ago
I become uncomfortable when I see and hear people referred to as their illness or disability. Someone HAS bipolar disorder, they are not the illness. What I find even more confronting is how socialised people with mental illnesses, and especially bipolar, are to talk about themselves in this way. I prefer to put the person before their illness so in Mike's case I would have said "My ex has bipolar". It might seem a small thing to some but when you are engaged in the work of challenging stigma its an important distinction. Warmly thinking of the numerous people with mental illnesses who have coloured my world.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You are a kind, considerate and thoughtful person that has given all of this a lot of thought, this situation calls for great thought and you were right in doing so, the situation isn't straight forward and of course needs to be handled with kit gloves, one cannot just jump in at the deep end in this situation as there are real feelings thoughts and emotions to consider, you have some very good feedback here which will give you food for thought, I can understand your concern. Is there anyway to be just friends? if things don't work out.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi! Steve 24/7 Thanks for the Topic:) Hun the 1st thing that stands out from your vibes is That in every Relationship to date you've been a White Knight..you attract and save Emotionally inept Damsels in Distress so to speak .. You subconsciously say I'll take you away from this terrible Life you have ...Give you Love or treat you well...You'll be so happy feel Loved and Protected. .It's an Unbalanced one..too much giving on your Part too much taking on hers as in wanting reassurance so on .. This is a prime example...After 4weeks she says she's in Love with you... That's something to think about give you Warning Bells..If she can fall so quickly why? Will she fall out of Love so quickly If you do give your heart to her.. You feel rresponsible / Protective of her and her feelings ... Well Hun you're not ..You only need to deal with your feelings and the word HELP! says a lot followed by get me out of here in a gentlmanly fashion..tho; you don't say it your vibes are .. You stated in your Profile with No Baggage ... Does she fit that Criteria Um No.. Is she in Love with you Um No ... Gratitude yes.. Not wanting to be alone Yes.. Her Emotional state isn't going to change Much..She'll have her Wonderful Highs and deep dark Lows ..You don't realy see it coming ..She'll be jesalous of your friends , Spiteful , Angry Emotionally pursecuted ...Do you want to feel like you're living on Emotional quicksand Hell! No!! .. If I was in this Position I would very compassionately say I don't feel this is going to work .I like you and will be there as your Friend but that's all... I wish you good luck! finding a Guy who will Love you ...She'll be hurt...But she will be hurt whatever you do....Stay or Go ... You need to go now for your own needs ..You've a Career you Love and Goals you want to achieve ...She isn't part of that dream.. My Dear Friend was in a Relationship for 30yrs with a Guy who was Manic Depressive..He tried to get rid of all her friends but I stayed...I witnessed how over the years their Relationship turned Toxic to the point it drained the Life out of her and eventually Killed her before her time... I did all I could but she too felt responsible for Him.... Thank God she did get away...and came to WA to be with me...In her final Month she became the Wonderful, Happy, Loving, Woman I had known before he came into her Life..We Laughed non stop.. Oh! I feel so Blessed we had that time together as we were as children then Adults long ago..:) Take this Experience you're Having with this Woman ..and what I've mentioned about your Vibes Understand you don't have to say your Confident but feel Good about who you are and an Equal Relationship whatever it is will come to you .No more of the White Knoght in this way atleast..Cheers Lu :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
To the OP Thankyou for updating us on the situation...... You are a extraordinary young man and I admire where your head/heart is on this matter......however I am concerned by this paragraph that you wrote On an emotional level, what if I am not able to get to the place she is in? What if I am not be able to love her the way she wants and/or need? What if continuing with her, and then we don't make it will tip her over the edge? Again I say this..as others have said...you cannot take this on........ You may never get to the place she is in, you may never be able to love her the way she wants/needs (which every person wants and deserves and we are all looking for that in some shape or form) but more importantly if you do continue with her....yep there is every chance you may not work out (just like every other relationship without bipolar issues) .....will this tip her over the edge ???...it could... but thats not your fault....and if you are thinking like this, then I would strongly suggest that you let this relationship go....as DragonFyre ritely pointed out....you cannot be her emotional crutch...EVER (great post btw Dragonfyre) If she is medicated..most of the time life will be fine and "normal" and trust me you will know if shes taking them or not But if shes not..then you are in for a rollercoaster ride.... Now as you probably already know...that is not her fault...it is part of the illness, that she will be erratic etc if shes not taking her meds......for a by stander this can be fascinating and thrilling state to watch when shes in a mania state -and manic stages do not have to be incredible highs...they can can be states that are slightly off, but the state gets bigger and higher....over a period of time..usually days or weeks ...but as I said previously,.then there is the fall...and trust me...the depressive state will test you, ...every part of you and more.. You state shes fragile...guess what ? we all are....and I feel already (and I hope Im wrong) that you are being manipulated.....people suffering from this illness and other mental illnesses can be incredibly manipulative (again its not them per say, I stress, it is the illness) ...all they need is the rite audience....she told you about her illness on the first date ??? why ??? you state it was a courageous thing to do ? was it ? ......if she is taking her meds...you could go for months without her having to tell you......yes I can understand that she may want to be upfront and honest with anyone she meets......and perhaps that truly was her motive.....however my question to you is opposite to what I wrote you last nite.....does she love being defined by her illness...is she her illness ??????????????...somepeople are ..irrespective of what illness they suffer. OP you have many issues to think about regarding this relationship ...and I am very impressed by you and your attitude....you seem like a exceptional and lovely young man......but please be in this relatioship for the rite reasons, that you genuinely could in time love her for her and who she is and what she is...........and not because she has a illness......it part of her...not all of her unless she has made it that way.....and OP you cannot rescue her....and Im kinda getting the feeling that is what you want to do Many exceptional people have Bipolar from Sting thru to Ted Turner, Renee Rivkin, Van Gogh, Carrie Fisher, Ben Stiller, Catherine Zeta - Jones, Ernest Hemmingway....the list goes on...and in that list...well for some it all got too much...it comes down to them taking their meds, a great relationship with a excellent psychiatrist and GP... and just how much the person wants to live with their bipolar and not fight against it.... As Mike ritely stated 1 in 5 will suffer from a mental illness in their life time (mainly clinical depression) ...none of us are immune either from the actual suffering or loving someone that does... I loved someone for 7 years who suffered from Type 1 Bipolar.........loved them with all my heart and soul.....but in the end I walked away....to save myself ......selfish ??? perhaps...but it was either him or me...I couldnt save him, even though with my medical background I had access to many more resources than most people do.......in the end the only person I could rescue was myself.....as for him.....I know his doing ok....his fine..in a relationship, his happy, has a house, career, kids etc..........his world ddint end like he said it would when I left................my did... .
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RHP User
13 years ago
aarrgghh !!
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Hanna_ybbn
13 years ago
Awesome, simply stunning and in my opinion, brilliantly spot on.I suffer a serotonin deficiency and although not Bipolar, I am possibly the closest to being the person on this thread who admits to it and MsVelvetBlue you have got it so right.Loves Big timeHanna xxxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Again Ms Velvet has some great insights into you dilemma. I would advise you look up empathy and sympathy in a dictionary. Empathy will give you the ability to deal with most of the problems involved in this situation. You will also need to be able to deal with her feelings about the medication she is on. Many people with mental illness find it difficult to attain the steady state needed for their condition, mostly due to the fact that most medications have side effects that can be quite off putting. In her case it could be she puts on weight or feels "dull" compared to how she feels when in a manic phase and may "adjust" her medication to get some of the "benefits" of of this. I hope you don't become involved in her mental state as this will mean you are participating in her illness. You certainly don't need to become ill yourself. Good luck Mike
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RHP User
13 years ago
But Hanna - yours is the bravest post on this thread........thankyou for sharing... big hug to you just keep on with your meds :) xxxx
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RHP User
13 years ago
You pretty much said everything I was was thinking, but much more eloquently and with real compassion. I can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to finally come to the conclusion its either him or me and coming to grips with the guilt. For myself I had no say whatsoever in the relationship ending and don't think I have yet fully come to terms with the guilt even though I had done everything I could do at the time to make it work and put myself there for my kids.Cheers,W.
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RHP User
13 years ago
To All of you who have replied so far .. I've been reading your Posts.. I must say all have been done with Compassion and Positive feed back for Steve24seven some very insightful .. He's indeed a Lucky Guy to have all of you to turn to when he needs advice It's My Pleasure to be sharing the Forums with you .. I realize I focused on your needs Steve but it's important that you Understand this is happening andstems from your Childhood..This need to be Loved wanted more than usual. Once you learn the Pos;Lessons from the Experiences your emotional need at the time You were the White Knight saving these Damsels etc you will overcome, move Forward. Most Importantly you'll never repeat this Behaviour.. You're a very Sweet Guy it shows not only from your Words concerning the Woman but I'm Connected within you and I know the Man you are.. You deserve to Enjoy a very Loving, Fruitful Relationship ..Good Luck! Blessings Lu :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
OP, the advice so far has been fantastic. My suggestion is to breathe, deep, long, slow ... and relax. You can feed a situation like this with drama, over thinking it, over talking about it, fretting, worrying etc. Perhaps it's enough to just be, to live with an open heart, and to see where it leads. Being educated on the issue is important as it means you're prepared. But it's like defensive driving - trust you're prepared and then stop worrying about it until a situation arises where you need to use the knowledge you have. For the rest of the time - just live and love :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
I am feeling very confronted by this topic discussion... Almost border line angry in some respects.... First Steve, how lucky you are to have met a beautiful woman that you feel to enquire so deeply about - she must really be someone! ... Second, I told a man I loved him in less than 4 weeks, I have not been medically diagnosed bipolar, but I consider myself quite genuinely mad! ... The man I fell in love with however has been - he is one of the most invaluable friends I have! ... Yes I find the distance challenging, but if anything this behavior has led me down pathways of sole soul searching - finding an emptiness that I needed somebody else to fill - only I can.... I've not met anyone quite like him and am captivated by his gorgeous and unique spontaneous expression of life.... I feel angered by the societal blanket knowledge that is projected here, and too the possible resentments projected from personal experience. You may be 'right', but not for everyone. Too medication is not always the best path either and there are cases of people who have ceased to have episodes of extreme mania and depression without medication.... It's the fucking that's gone mad!! That I don't feel understands & supports enough of the cause and healing process of mental illness - there is so many dimensions to this.... This is individual people we are discussing here, with their own stories. To say she did not mean to say "I love you" I feel is very assuming. I meant what I said and I still to today! - or was that genuine because I don't have a 'mental illness'? Forgive me if this appears as an emotional rant - speaking of personal experience projection.... Steve, don't put too many expectations on the idea of 'relationship'. I'd say just relate with her if you enjoy her company. Be clear, as you would with anyone, about your position and feelings of being in a relationship. It's not all about her it's about you too... and communicate when you can.... I can not express here in the slightest amount how this person I know has enriched my life! ... Much love Cassandra
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RHP User
13 years ago
I've lost the passion of the 'f' word .... " it's the world that's gone mad"
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm wishing I was more eloquent like yourself ... Your advice is simply the best xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
To be with anyone with a mental illness. I have worked with people with mental health issues for years, and there are support groups for not only the person but for people like yourself who are thinking of being with someone. You sound like you may be falling as well, so its not just from her point and it maybe just love at first sight without the condition, it happens ya know My best mate Wendy was bi polar. I used to call her the good Wendy and the bad Wendy. Like a lot of friendships it got a bit hard as the bad Wendy was a lot of work. But it was a hell of a ride and never boring and her manic side was a funny and tragic at the same time, I look back on those twenty odd years of friendship and still smile. I felt like I had two friends
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RHP User
13 years ago
Steve, don't feel selfish for wanting to walk away, but do it gently and ease your way gradually, you can only do the best you can, she will want more and more of you til you are drained and then some, as the others have said on here it is not her fault it is the condition she has which will make her selfish and self absorbed and in a lot of cases she will somehow make some things your fault, if you can find your way to be just friends(I know that would be a better scenario) but it may not be as easy as that and she could get nasty and resentful especially if you go out with others. There is a lot of good advice from these wonderful caring people who have only your best interest at heart. Mull it all over and do what is best for you. From what I have read so far you are a person that does not like to let people down, or leave them high and dry etc but this situation is quite tricky and you just have to go with your gut on this one, snip it in the bud before it progresses too far(it does sound cold but one has to be cruel to be kind), if you come out of it as friends that is the best case scenario but don't be surprised if the reaction is not quite what you would wish for. I didn't want to come across as cold and devoid of emotion but just giving you an objective honest view of the whole situation. Good luck in your decision, just do what you think is the best thing for the situation and remember, you can't save everyone, sometimes you just have to save yourself, no matter how much you wish to save the day.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Steve, I also was in a realationship with a girl for quite a while who had bipola, I guess it will come but to how much you love this girl whom you seem fond of but if you are dealing with bipola you will need to be very pataint and understanding and not take somethings she will say personally,there wll be lots of highs and lots of lows in which she will need you to be strong and pataint with her life is about love and if you truely like this girl it ill be well worth being there for her
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RHP User
13 years ago
To clarify, I do believe it's really important to be educated on these issues - as you've said, as msVelvet and others have said. Knowledge is power, right :) And I think my suggestion of breathing and living is easier said than done. It's human nature to angst over things. I think breathing - literally - is powerful way to restore equilibrium and to put any situation in perspective. An oft overlooked tool of life :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
......I feel I could've done well to have taken your breathing advice at the time.... I do not disagree with most of posts. I just feel very frustrated when others are labeled - a cause to focus on difference and separation... I would say to look at all of the info you can find (but don't loose yourself in it)- especially hear people's personal stories - especially hers.... Knowledge is power, yes, but we cannot know someone if we think we 'know' them..... As Quite1 has said: "Life is about love if you truly like this girl it is well worth being there for her"... Knowing is never enough.
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RHP User
13 years ago
By now I am sure that you have been given various "sides" of the story/situation you are finding yourself in from a detached empirical observational point of our illustrious RHP'ers. What you should do, what you should not do, and most importantly that maybe you should run for the hills and save yourself.I am only speculating but maybe the reason you wrote this post is because you really like this girl and regardless of the situation at hand you are looking for ways in which you can make this work. Regretfully this "avenue" will not help.Naturally any of us would feel compelled to tell you this or the other. To speak about our own experiences with bipolar (and I am no stranger to that), but the reality is that each relationship is individual and unique.You may have wrote this post because you were searching for reassurance that everything will be alright and you'll be spared of being just another statistic?Relationships are hard anyway, even when mental illness is not involved but all one can do is hope for the best put 100% into it, and the rest is in the hands of the universe, for the lack of a better analogy.Arming yourself with knowledge about her illness it puts things into perspective for yourself but as far as "helping" her and having a good relationship it really depends of the individual desire of achieving that. And in this case is her wanting to make it work as much as you do, without deferring responsibility for various "situations" on the account of her illness.Sufferers of bipolar are not mentally retarded (not in the medical sense) they are just differently wired, which for most of us "normies" can be burdensome at time because we do not understand it. And that's ok too.Metaphorically - "They are flying without wings" But that also Ok.So in conclusion, my advise is I have none. Love her if that's what you feel. Let her love you back the best she can or know.
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RHP User
13 years ago
all for even giving a though to this post. @ readhead - yes I guess I was looking for some salient reassurance that I will not be just another statistic, and as some of you have mentioned in their posts are not encouraging. The more I read and research the more I discover that successful relationships between a "healthy" person and a bipolar are very few and far in between. I guess I will stick around for as long as I can and give it a go - whether I'll become another statistic or not it's yet to be devised. Once again thank you all for your contributions. Steve
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RHP User
13 years ago
My ex boyfriend had bipolar, and although at the time I thought it will be something that we'll manage it turned out that we couldn't. Its easy to generalise but I won't (this time) - like your girls, my boyfriend told me he loved me within a month and I believed him. It's easy to confuse love with mania(for most of them) -- the trouble is that love is fleeting, and there's no cure for bipolar. Our relationship became defined by obsessive routine, and I followed his lead. I began to drop off the social map. The parameters of our life together drew further and further inward, until we were living in a tiny, "airtight box" created by the quirks of his disorder. Even for most even-keeled people, dating can be a crisis between ideality and reality, but with bipolar I could never tell where his personality ends and the illness begins. I have my own theory about relationships with the bipolar, and the successful ones are those in which the relationship simply isn't in competition with the disease. My boyfriend seemed to regard the illness as a more intimate part of him than I could ever understand, profoundly affecting our relationship. In the end, I simply wanted there to be more. As for you, I guess you should "stay there" for as long as you can. When you cannot take it anymore then maybe is time to move on, she will be alright, oh, and don't feel guilty to let go.....
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RHP User
13 years ago
Steve:) My sincere best wishes for a very Positive outcome for both of you That you both grow from your Encounter .May there be a long time of Love and laughter only small Interludes of darkness. .Sincere Blessings Lu :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
This will be a jorney you'll never forget. Mostly because it will take you out of your confort zone and throw you in the deepest deeps. There will also be moments of bliss when you'll say to yourself 'god this person is the love of my life" - until the darkness strikes and then you are like the last man standing at the gate of hell. Not knowing what to do or say to make it better for yourself and her (in my case him). I really hate to burst your bubble, and I am really hopeful that it will work out for you (and not be just a statistic as you said) but the reality is different. What makes it the hardest is to say goodbye. You'll "kill" yourself with worry of not tipping her over the edge. I did the same, but in the end it turned out that he went on to be alright. He calls me every now and then asking me to reconsider but would I do it again? the answer is a big NO. I think he was more inlove with being bipolar than wanting a "normal" (with a healthy mind), loving woman around him. He loved to be bipolar and behave badly - so I had to give up, to keep my sanity. I hope you are the exception,and I would really like if that's ok with you, to give us (the ones who posted on your forum - sorry for appointing myself as a speaker) an update of your progress.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You need to be honest with yourself first before embarking on this journey, are you doing it because you feel sorry for her?u feel guilty for some reason. Four weeks into a friendship is just barely new, you have compassion and empathy for her situation but you need to ask yourself some hard questions like: could you really cope with this situation, you have a right to be truthful and fair to this person and if you can't then say so. For me, I am not sure if I could cope, that is not a cop out it is the truth and I would be unfair if I said otherwise, you need to dig deep to ask the pertinent questions. It could be that she only wants a fwb friendship and that would be a good situation for both, but it is good that you are thinking of the biger picture in case she sees otherwise. After you have thought of the necessary questions then sit down and discuss matters with her, be prepared for any reaction, even the ones you are not expecting . You have given great thought to this situation and I am sure you will do what is best overall.
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RHP User
13 years ago
you say your friend has bipolar..sometimes she kind and loving ,other times rude and mean..i was with a girl years ago.she was anerexic boleimic.she sufferd mood swings much the same as bipolar..when she was nice ,she was the most wonderful girl in the world,when mean ,she was mean and rude..it got to a point i wasnt sure which was the normal her.but to this day im sorry i let her go.i couldnt make her change her life only she could do that..everybody looks for the sweet. , inoccent and loving.when it come to bipolar you cant tell what is the real person..
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