M64
Daily Humour
October 28 2009
Comments
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RHP User
16 years ago
lol.. that is agood own! Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?A: National Dyslexic Association. Did you hear about the dyslexic armed robber? He walked into a bank carrying a gnu. lol... @ "I put the 'sexy' in 'dyslexia.'" Hugs Gaz
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RHP User
16 years ago
I just kept thinking about the "ponchos" my grandma used to make us with matching beanies... Hey ladies wanna make a poncho with me???? Not that appealing lol lovebitten xoxoxoxo
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RHP User
16 years ago
Your nanna sounds a bit funky! Black boots, she was before her time! And dyslexic or not..69 on repeat sounds like a good thing! lovebitten xoxoxxo
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RHP User
16 years ago
lol lol lol trishl! What do you ask for at the deli? A LARGE kabana please? Or maybe 2. They dont say 69 dinner for two for any old reason. lovebitten xoxoxxo
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RHP User
16 years ago
Are you the hostess with the mostess?
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RedHotCoast
16 years ago
A- Twocanchew
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Tongue4pleasure
16 years ago
Q - The metric equivalent for a 69erA - 181
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RHP User
16 years ago
would it not be 282....mmm....oh trish....u cheeky girl....>>>....placing order at chines counter..."i'll have one trishl......please add some lovebitten...then cover the lot with sexsunshinecoast...yummy...thank you...oh, i'll be back later for desserts...(thinks, where is she?), some sweetpetite, miss_honey and peachypear...mmm-mmmm....smacks lips...jose...
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RHP User
16 years ago
I prefer a 68Thats like a 69 but the diff is--- YOU Do ME and then I owe ya one !!!!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey Trishl, Seein as Bill Clinton was allowed to smoke his cigar after Monica had her way with it, Any chance I could get a bite of the salami ;)
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RHP User
16 years ago
mmm, kitchen bench.. deli foods.. and let us provide a bottle of bubbly too... always a good thing to wash things down with...
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RHP User
16 years ago
You forgot to mention HERETOFUCK will be very busy making a delicious PONRO with all the trimmings.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Owed to a Spell Chequer I halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plane lee marques four my revueMiss steaks aye ken knot seaEye ran this poem threw itYour sure reel glad two noIt's vary polished in it's weighMy chequer tolled me sewA chequer is a bless singIt freeze yew lodes of thymeIt helps me awl stiles two reedAnd aides mi when aye rimeTo rite with care is quite a feetOf witch won should be proudAnd wee mussed dew the best wee canSew flaws are knot aloud And now bee cause my spellingis checked with such grate flareTheir are know faults with in my citeOf nun eye am a wear Each frays come posed up on my screenEye trussed to be a jouleThe chequer poured o'er every wordTo cheque sum spelling rule That's why aye brake in two averseMy righting wants too pleasSow now ewe sea wye aye dew praysSuch soft wear for pea seas
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RHP User
16 years ago
Just a couple of jokes a friend sent me, he sends every funny email he gets to what must be about 100 people haha.---A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"---Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.--Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.His wife is lying in bed reading.Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."---
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RHP User
16 years ago
Two sperm are madly racing towards the ultimate goal, each trying to beat the other to be the first to fertilise the egg.Eventually one starts to tire and gets bored---he turns to his opponent and says, "geez mate , we have been swimming for ages, do we have much further to go???His opponent looks at him and says, "crikey yeah!, we have only just gone past the tonsils"---
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RHP User
16 years ago
Dyslexic s rule !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 KO
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RHP User
16 years ago
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
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Almost_Ready
16 years ago
Memoriam: Ronnie Barker > > > In Memory of a very funny man > > This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker > could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony > is that they received not one complaint. (I don't believe it!) It must have > been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. try getting > through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read; > > This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. > > Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella > worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. > At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. > > The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and > the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; > they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go > to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. > > Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her > name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a > pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy > ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks > > The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, > there would be a cucking falamity. > > At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly > the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, > and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. > > The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the > sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let > off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that > fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had > lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success > and their feet stucking funk. > > Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack > in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a > hig bard on. > > He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. > > Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived > his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
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RHP User
16 years ago
i have been looking for that, actually saw the skit...damn did i piss myself...laughing that is...sheesh...teacher walks into science class one day with two beakers, one filled with water and one with alcohol, and a petrie dish with worms..."Class", she says, "We are now going to see what happens when you put a worm in water"...and with that she drops a worm in water. He (or she, never could work out which is which) swims happily about..."Now", she says very importantly, "I'll show you what happens when we put a worm in alcohol"...She drops a worm in alcohol and it immediately shrivels up and dies...(poor worm)"Can anyone tell me the significance of this?..."Little Johnny is sitting up the back, feet on table, and he slowly puts up his hand..."I can miss...""yes, Johnny?...""It's really quite simple miss", says Johnny,"...Drink alcohol...ya don't get worms.."
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RHP User
16 years ago
The subject for the morning lesson was Health in little Johnnys class. The teacher went on to explain how some illnesses were passed on thru the various forms of transmission. Miss went on to explain how some diseases were more contagious than others, and then asked if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious??? Little Johnnys hand shot up quick as he could----"Miss miss, I know, --- this morning when me and Dad were coming to school, we passed this huge truck with lots and lots of giants boxes on it, and when it went round the corner one of the boxes rolled off, spilling heaps of melons out on to the road---And my dad said it was gonna take that contagious to pick all them melons up.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his father "Daddy, whats a penis?". After recovering from his slight shock of the question, Johnny's dad asks Johnny to step into his bedroom, where the father pulls down his own pants and points at his crotch stating proudly "This is my penis, Son. In fact, this is a perfect penis".Johnny went to school the next day, and at recess the boys all gathered around. "Did you ask him, did you find out?". Johnny said that yes, indeed he did at which point he then asked the group to follow him around the side of the building. Pulling his pants down, Johnny pointed to his crotch and said "This is a penis. And if it was 3 inches shorter, it would be perfect".
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RHP User
16 years ago
The teacher is sitting at her desk calling out the roll...A child walks in...Teacher asks: Why are you late?Child answers: I was throwing peanuts in the river miss!Teacher tells him: Sit down!Another child walks in...Teacher asks: Why are you so late?Child answers: I was throwing peanuts in the river miss!Teacher getting annoyed by now continues with the roll...And another child walks in, dripping wet...Teacher snaps at him: I suppose you were throwing peanuts in the river too!And the child answers: No miss, I AM peanuts!
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RHP User
16 years ago
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write with"
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RHP User
16 years ago
You mean there actually IS a Dog ? Holy shit ! Woo hoo.
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Almost_Ready
16 years ago
I am a little backwards Cheers olgod
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RHP User
16 years ago
I have beeen having a good giggle here by myself this evening. The script from 'The Two Ronnies' is an absolute classic - Ronnie Barker had a wonderful ability with monologues, be they full of spoonerisms, tongue-twisters or alliterations.The skit you presented peachyz brought back memories of a variation that was done in our second form drama class by a group of the 'tough boys' trying to fluster the new young teacher we had that year. I guess there may be other variations as well but here is the one I know of:The teacher is sitting at her desk taking the morning roll call.A boy walks in late and is walking towards his desk.Teacher asks: Excuse me, why are you late this morning?The boy answers: I'm sorry miss, I've was up Cherry Lane this morning so it took me longer to get here than usual!Teacher tells him: Okay, but don't let it happen again. Now go and sit down!The teacher continues taking the roll and a few minutes later another boy enters the classroom.Teacher asks: Why are you so late this morning?The second boy says: I've been up Cherry Lane on my way to school this morning miss!The teacher is somewhat annoyed by the late arrivals but continues with the roll call.She has just finished taking the roll call when another child, a young girl this time, enters the classroom.Teacher snaps at her: I suppose you are going to try to excuse your late arrival by telling me that you have been up Cherry Lane too!To which the girl replies: No miss, I AM Cherry Lane!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Johnny wanted to have sex with Sophia in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me make love to you. But the girl said 'NO'. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend..... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and running into the risk of getting screwed!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Bloody copy and paste...left the puchline off. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Sorry folks
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RHP User
16 years ago
>>>always though that 69 in Chinese was chicken and cashews with snow peas....lol!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Very calculated coin cliff hanger mate lol. WTG
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RHP User
16 years ago
Nudge, Nudge, Holiday snaps ehh... awww, awww, a wink is as good as a nod to a blind bat ehh.. He He.. Olddog.. you have brought up some great old memories.. love the old humour that actually requires a little brain input to understand it... now were' off to search out some more.. Ronnies, Benny Hill, Spike, Monty Python, and even some of the old movies incl Keystone cops, Three stooges, Buster Keeton.. ahh, stuff that all kids should be subjected to as part of their education.. lol.. and we used to live in a paper bag at the bottom of the lake...
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RHP User
16 years ago
I knew there was a more mature version of that skit lolol but I couldn't remember how it went... thnx for refreshing my memory and giving me a good laugh!!! Cheers... Mrs PPWeR
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thanks All for a great session (laughter) Hm, libido is kicking in...damn, all endorphined up and no-one to exhaust it on
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