M63

Dealing with loss.

January 02 2013

Leaving my flippant self of yesterday to one side for the moment, the opening post to one of today's threads got my thoughts swirling again, as they often do. You know that feeling when one thought brings several others into play, unbidden, at the same time. So, like my head at the moment, this post may be a bit convoluted so, please, bear with me. It began with a man refering to his struggle to come to terms with close, personal loss. Then a memory came to me of my son at the funeral of his Grandmother. Two years ago, the mother of my ex-wife passed away. I didn't expect to recieve a warm welcome but I still felt that I should attend the funeral to pay my respects and offer my condolensces. Thankfully, no-one resented my presence and I got to speak to many people I hadn't seen in years. Standing alone, in a corner, looking very uncomfortable and confused, was my sixteen year old son. I recognised the look as something I had felt when I was young. I was only about eleven or twelve when my aunt died. Struggling through her own tears, my mother broke the news to my sister and I. My sister started to cry immediately and I felt as though I shouldn't be there. I didn't feel sad, I was never close to the women but I felt that there was something wrong with me to be so unaffected. I imagined the look on my face at the time would have been similar to the look on my son on this occasion. I took him to one side and asked how he felt. He didn't know how to answer. I explained to him that what he was seeing in the other people was grief and that this is what people feel when they suffer a great loss. I told him that I knew he wasn't very close with his Grandmother and that this was not his fault as she never really made a lot of time for him so it would be understandable that he didn't feel the same sense of loss. I told him that there was nothing wrong with him and that, as long as he was there to lend support to his Mother, Grandfather, Uncles and Aunts, he was still a good person. I told him the day would come when he lost someone that was very important and dear to him and then he would know grief. He was far more relaxed then. He mingled with the others and showed concern. I am very proud of all my kids. They are all sensitive and caring people. I've come to the conclusion that grief is a very selfish emotion and I don't mean that in a bad way. I believe it's meant to be. When grieving, our thoughts are less about the person we've lost and more about what that loss means to us. I feel very privaledged to be acquainted with a very intelligent, sensitive, compassionate and talented lady who is a regular contributor to these forums. She shared, with me, some poems on the topic of 'sex and death'. She feels there is a very close connection between the two and I think I recognised what she meant, although I may have been taking something from her work of my own deductions. Whether this is what she was trying to convey or not, I felt that it illustrated how, when confronted with death our own lust to live is reinforced and that this can be manifested in our desire for intimate contact. Everyone deals with death differently. If you're comfortable with discussing such an intimate subject and you managed to stay with me through this post, perhaps some of you might share your own feelings on the relationship between life, death and sex.

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RHP User

13 years ago

A few months ago I was sitting at a bus stop when an elderly lady and her carer sat down next to me.They started to have a conversation about the second world war.The elderly lady had been a nurse and stationed in Sydney,she said with a great deal of relish that all the nurses and soldiers were having lots and lots of sex because they really didn't know if they would have the opportunity ever again.She also said that many of them were married and that it made no difference . Sex is such a life affirming and primal thing to do,I totally understood exactly just what she was saying.

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RHP User

13 years ago

It is a very hard thing to explain. As my husband died I felt first nothing, he died in front of me…..I can still hear him slip and see him fall. But first no feeling, just I knew, I knew it. And then I needed to go to the toilet again and again and again. Because we have been in hospital at the emergency unit, the police came to interview me and again I don’t know I was calm but only outside my inside was in panic. But my mind was somehow in a very big spin. Money, work, survival all in one hit. Our house was not finished, out to support my little family, I didn’t really work. How to make money? Survive Ellen how??? The pain come later, the numbness the pain in the heart, it’s like someone has your heart in his hand and squizzes it. The breakdowns come later after the funeral, when you have time to think maybe a bit clearer or not. For my oldest it was painful he was 17 and he was in this age where he didn’t wonne know us…..felt embarrassed about us. He had the cruelest time ever, he couldn’t get over it for a long, long time his grief was big. I couldn’t help, he was withdrawn. He left 2 years later and never really came back….he was afraid of dying of getting sick. This is a hard one to take as a mum, you can feel his pain and you cant get through. My little one was only 9 for him it was easy. He put his father’s big shoes on for the funeral took them of after and he was fine. However he takes the ashes with him where ever he moves, I am not allowed to sprinkle them in the ocean, what I really would like to do. I acknowledge his wishes, he had not a long time with his Dad. Yes we all grief differently and there is a big sadness for us because we lost a beautiful person in our life. Then came anger for him leaving me and leaving me all to deal with all the shit on my own. I went from sadness, to anger to finding out who I am, and then FREEDOM. Yes to Freedom that’s why I am still single after 14 years.

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RHP User

13 years ago

I really have no idea why you get so defensive about your writing. As usual, you have expressed yourself brilliantly.

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RHP User

13 years ago

I don't have too much to add to the topic but I'd just like to say that for you to recognise what your son was feeling and to speak to him in a way that he understood, is a sign that you are indeed a great father and role model for him. I have much respect for you and how you are aware of your emotions and also of those around you. We need more dads like you in this hectic world.

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RHP User

13 years ago

Its my fighting spirit hahahah Jensman. Thank you I used Word document to write it first and then copied it on here. lol

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Cheekyarses

13 years ago

Jensman - you n I need to talk.... Your post has touched me in many many ways...... It is a post I really needed to read today. I was very close to my grandfather on my dads side. To this day I still talk to him especially when I need direction..

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RHP User

13 years ago

At 35yo I have never had the misfortune of losing someone close to me. When I was about 14 my uncle and 2 cousins were killed in a head-on collision. I had only ever met them once when I was 11 due to them living interstate. When my mum heard the news she was so upset but I just felt helpless and callous because it didn't effect me. For years I felt bad for not having been upset but realise now it was only natural that I couldn't grieve for someone I never really knew. I had a period of grief that I never got to know them much later when I spent some time with my grandparents and my aunt who was left a widow. I understand now why my aunt was never the same after because no parent should have to see the death of a child let alone both of them. I think I would go mad if I lost mine. Great post jensman, sex is the polar opposite of death really when you think about it because at its core it's aimed at the reproduction of life. So I can see the correlation between the two, a bit like yin and yang.

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1playfulcpl

13 years ago

have been touched by it all my life lost my cousin early in life an then my uncle i lived with not long after that then my dads twin brother all b4 1 was 15 since then have lost cousins aunts n uncles along the way then last year lost my dad,my mum an her twin sister as well as another aunt an friends i went to 13 funerals last year but the worst was watching them struggle to stay alive but the grief of all is watching ur newborn daughter fight for life only to loose it i have now burried my dad,mum,daughter an a grand daughter so take each day u can with ur loved 1s family an friends an treasure them as u never no wen things will happen

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RHP User

13 years ago

The closest people to me to pass have been my Grandparents. Now, I loved my Grandparents a great deal but I wasn't distrought we lost them. It just seemed like the natural order of things. It was just their time. I know my parents' time will come and I think I'll be just as philosophical (either that or I'll bawl like a babe) but I couldn't cope with losing one of my kids. I sometimes feel sort of impatient for my turn to come so I don't have to face that. Back to my Grandparents though, I've found that I'm subconciously more sentimental about it than I am conciously. I've had several occurences where I've been dreaming and one of them has appeared. It's the oddest sensation. In my dream, I'll see them and say, "Oh, no." They'll ask what's wrong and I'll say something like, "You're dead, this is only a dream." It's so strange to be dreaming and to know that you're dreaming but it still seems real. Then I'll latch on and hug them because I know that when I wake up they'll be gone. That's when I do wake up. They've been gone for many years now but I seem to miss them more.

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RHP User

13 years ago

Being the black sheep of my family (outcast) I thought I knew grief very well, loneliness, un protected, insecure, and vulnerable..... 12 years ago though, I lost a son to SIDS, this brings a whole new definition to grief that is so different. You're correct that grief seems to be about the "what have I lost", but true grief, I have found isn't what you can't get, it's knowing that you can't give.

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RHP User

13 years ago

I can't imagine anything worse than the loss of a child, it goes against the whole natural order of things. No parent should have to go through that. My cousin and his wife lost their first born son in the minutes after birth, it was the most terrible thing I have had to see someone go through. This was before the birth of my own two kids and I got a glimpse of what it could have been like with the birth of my son. He was a massive baby and his shoulders didnt disengage as he was being delivered and his heart had stopped beating for what seemed a lifetime before the doctors finally got him breathing and back to life. I hope I never ever have to go through something like it again.. It felt like my heart was going to burst when I saw them doing CPR on him. I hope you have found a measure of peace after going through that!!

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RHP User

13 years ago

that is the most moving post I have ever read.Thank you for sharing what must be such unimaginable pain.You summed up the grief of loosing a child so beautifully,it's what you can no longer give.Hugs to you,Freya.

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Dealing with loss.

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