F111
Declining motherhood.
August 24 2014
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
Childless by design and also by choice. Once medicine advanced I probably could have conceived, and there was a tiny moment, swept up in the glow of love, when bringing a child into thie world seemed like a glorious idea. But the love ended, the medical challenges remained, and my true nature (free spirit, gypsy, private, intense) was still the same. So no children, and I'm completely, utterly content with that. Many years ago a friend had a child quite young. When I visited her in hospital she said not having a child was an incredibly selfish decision. I smiled quietly to myself and thought 'call me selfish then ;)'. Since then, no one has batted an eye-lash at it. Family and friends just know it's not for me. I think they can tell without me saying a word. I've always felt supported in all of my life choices, perhaps because I'm secure in them or perhaps because I'm lucky with the people in my life. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Just curious. Like is menopause setting in and you now realize that the option is gone. Its an interesting question Mea.As for my response. No woman has any duty to anyone but herself.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Have a bunch of my own and respect your decision Mea or anyone's for that matter not to have any. Nothing wrong with being the awesome aunty or uncle :-) Cheers w. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm more concerned about overpopulation than a woman's choice not to have children. I respect that they have the guts to live what they believe rather then falling prey to society's standards. If only more people put ANY thought into the children they bring into the world.
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RHP User
11 years ago
anybody choosing not to have kids if they don't want them. That's a perfectly sensible decision for them to make. I do have a problem with people having kids who clearly don't want them, and then treating them like shit and belittling them etc. I had kids because I wanted them. They're both teenagers now, I raise them on my own and still love doing it. The overpopulation argument never rings true for me though. Not because it's not a valid concern, but because it always feels like people rationalising a decision that is elemental, not intellectual. If you want children, I think it's a fairly powerful gut urge, and I imagine not wanting them is similar. At the vary least, if you don't have that gut urge to have children I don't really see why you would do it. Unless you're conforming to societal expectations, which is a recipe for misery. If you don't want kids, that should be enough. You shouldn't have to justify that to anyone I don't reckon.
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RHP User
11 years ago
It's a ridiculous notion that some one could be thought of as being selfish for not wanting a child. To me it's a very personal choice and I have a higher regard for those that choose not too have children then those that bring an innocent life into this world then go about fu@$ ing up their existence once they are born for a myriad of reasons be it emotional or physical abuse. I've got a gf that's made that choice like you Meander in her twenties and never swayed from that commitment. I admire her for her patience in the light that some stupid people say the same thing to her as they have to you. If she had wanted her own I think besides what she personally thinks ( yes she actually did she thought of herself as being selfish which is rot. . She does enjoy life and is quite set in her own routine bit their's nothing wrong with that I say) she'd have made a fabulous mother but it's always been her body her choice and I respect her for it. People will always say dumb ass things to fill a conversation. . At least I hope it's that and not honest belief. . Apologies if format is crap. Am using my mobile
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luvsilver
11 years ago
Everyone is different and I think you should do what feels best for you.We have 4 children and for ourselves we would not have it any other way.I will admit though that sometimes on the very odd time the kids have had a sleepover at their grandparents and we have the house to ourselves it is just plain heaven. No noise , no mess no wrestling on the lounge room floor. Going out for a night on the town, a meal at a restaurant or a play date would be so much easier and not take an as much planning as the Normandy landings.We certainly respect your decision and fully understand that it is not for everyone.We see some children at our kids school that never have a book read to them at home or someone to watch them at a sporting event. Their parents are either too busy or can not be bothered.That is the duty that is not being fulfilled.Mr Luvsilver
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RHP User
11 years ago
You have only one child = your selfish your child will be spoilt. Too many = what no tv or you love to shag.= bragging. Same sex children.= Aren't you sad you don't have a boy or girl. Or what are you trying to do have your own netball/football team? The only ones that get kudos seems to be the lucky boy/. Girl. = Bookends scenario. Stupid comments are not for just the childless by choice. . ( and don't even get me started on the comments given to those that struggle to have children..)
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Seachange73
11 years ago
When I was younger, I had the same thoughts about you,. I doubted whether I was going to be a good parent and how to provide for my kids. And how it was going to affect my career. All sorts of worries When I had my first child, all of those worries for some reason almost disappeared and or were put in perspective. To be judge for your life choices is not fair to you. And personally, none of their business. It would be terrible to be judged the if the reverse happened, if I decided to have kids and it did not sit well with them. So what's with that? I have a couple of friends who are in their late 30s and early 40s. They have major concerns about themselves in being the parents they want to be and therefor holding them back from having kids. Their decision was initially made difficult when they married with their current partners. One husband was angry and accused her of being selfish. That marriage went downhill very quickly. The second friend had a more understanding partner and accepted the decision after much communication and counselling. There were moments in the first few years that was rocky but they plowed on and are very happy now. I do not like associating myself with negative people who see life based on their way or the highway. Hah, Who appointed them the moral police? I couldn't care less what they think as I have to lead my life the best I see fit.
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madotara69
11 years ago
That if by chance for some reason you did end up having a child, doubt you would feel anything for overpopulating the planet. Someone has too build the space ships. Mado Tara xx
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QLDtwo4fun
11 years ago
In total I have four children two with my ex wife and two with my wife. All semi planned and like a mortgage, within our affordable budget. We did consider adopting, but it was all to hard. I don't respect people who have children they cannot afford to support, however I do not support the withdrawal of social security to these people, as it is the child that suffers. The choice not to have children is valid and reasonable.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'EuropianBliss' Just curious. Like is menopause setting in and you now realize that the option is gone. Not just yet, EB! No, no regrets whatsoever. This kitchen is closed, even if I do hope menopause is at least another ten years away.
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RHP User
11 years ago
When people have questioned why I'm not a mother, adding the "selfish", "don't like kids" bla bla, I've been known to say *insert lip quiver* "What makes you assume I'm even able to have children?" The speed at which they back off is highly amusing, but also: if people make these assumptions about me, how much must they hurt someone who does desperately want to be a parent? But really, I would like to hear from those who don't agree with my views on this. I'm genuinely curious.
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RHP User
11 years ago
All judgement aside....You'll never feel the cosmic revelation of their first cry...and hearing your voice, your cry, coming from them..You'll never have the realisation of why you're here (in that capacity) hard to explain in words..You'll never feel the need to be second to anyone but yourself, A child shifts your so important existence into second place and it feels right. You now exist in two places so to speak..You may not have fully understood what I've written. I don't expect you to.
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madotara69
11 years ago
What if the whole world was waiting for a child to be born too figure out cold fusion. How can you be sure an intelligent child from your beautiful genes is not that person. Of course I'm just dilly dallying around because you want someone to.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' The overpopulation argument never rings true for me though. Not because it's not a valid concern, but because it always feels like people rationalising a decision that is elemental, not intellectual. It's not my number one reason, but certainly in the top five. Not just because I'm concerned about Earth, but also because I don't wish this messed-up world onto any children of mine. Sure, there are many good things, but I look at my nephew who was born a very sensitive and highly intelligent soul. He takes in all the pain and suffering he sees on TV every day. If my child was born like him (and there's a good chance, because I was that child myself), I'd feel utterly guilty for his or her struggle. Hopes that makes sense, Rick.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Well Mea, I for one, desperately wanted children, just one would have done. My life and interests have always encompassed a great scope for children. I wanted to impart knowledge to them, bring love, delight and amazement into their worlds, and grow up with them. I felt that I would have been an awesome father. But unfortunately it was not to be. It took a long long while for me to come to terms with the fact that I would never be a Dad. However, I now take delight that I am an absolutely awesome "Uncle Mick" to a whole heap of different kids (not necessarily related) and that makes me happy beyond words. Do I regret not being a Dad?.... Yes. Do I begrudge those who have children, or chose not to have them?... Absolutely no. Obi1
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RHP User
11 years ago
You both stated exactly how I feel My parent broke up when I was very young and I returned to my homeland with my papa and my much older sisters stayed with my mother I remember when I was little pining for my mother and thinking how unfair and selfish parents could be when they could not resolves their differences, we all suffered I think if I am true to me that is when I decided to not have children. I married when I was very young but my husband die one year later, so the issue of children was never going to happen due to his illness As the years go on, I never met anyone that I wanted to be connected in that way to forever. Children are forever Lovers have had children and I have been fine with that and have enjoyed the children but I think I am born without the mother gene. Maternal instinct I do have, but not with children. I like children. but have no desire for my own. I love my rabbit and puppy. They are enough for me But my how you are judged. And the assumptions that people make of your choice and are happy to share them to you. Never do I ask any person how many children they have as this has hit me in the face in the past, but I have been asked many times , why you not have children ?. I do not . End of story. Plenty of others having them for me and I am good with their choices but please respect mine I like my hedonistic lifestyle. Cause its all mine and at times I can barely look after me. Plants die in my care '
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' The overpopulation argument never rings true for me though. Not because it's not a valid concern, but because it always feels like people rationalising a decision that is elemental, not intellectual. It's not my number one reason, but certainly in the top five. Not just because I'm concerned about Earth, but also because I don't wish this messed-up world onto any children of mine. Sure, there are many good things, but I look at my nephew who was born a very sensitive and highly intelligent soul. He takes in all the pain and suffering he sees on TV every day. If my child was born like him (and there's a good chance, because I was that child myself), I'd feel utterly guilty for his or her struggle. Hopes that makes sense, Rick. I guess all I was trying to say is to have kids or not to have kids is the biggest decision a person will make, and it should be tempered by the kind of life you want for yourself. Making that decision based on the fact the world is overpopulated is making the decision for the sake of other people, which to me is as wrong-footed as having children because society expects you to. Your clarification here makes sense, but do you really find life that intolerable? Because as fucked up as the world is, I can still never get over what an amazing place it is, and how lucky I am to be alive. I'm not wanting to be a shit-heel here, your reasons are your own and your completely entitled to them. But I just don't think you need a top 5 of them. I think you just need the one, and that is that you don't really want kids. It's not the life you want for yourself.
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RHP User
11 years ago
you're*
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RHP User
11 years ago
Great new profile pic though Meander! I had to drop by to check it out in close up. That's got to score a nomination in the Best Bum Thread.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I agree with Rick Blaine. That argument doesn't sit right with me either. It is saying that there is no hope or value in bringing a life into this world. When people ask me if I have kids or if I am married. I say "nope, I am single and free", some times I add that I can do what I want, when I want. And I don't know, maybe it is the big smile on my face but nobody has ever said to me that I was selfish. Maybe behind my back? Who knows. I know at my 20 year reunion people looked at me dumb founded when they realised I had never married or had kids. They had absolutely nothing to talk about apart from their families! I did not enjoy my reunion at all, so boring. I always assumed I would have kids, but I have never met anyone that I wanted to spend my life with and I must be missing my "biological clock" because I have never thought I wanted a child. Mind you I absolutely adore my nephew and nieces, I am the crazy aunty that keeps hugging them and kissing them and I spend lots of time with them so I reckon I would have made an excellent mother. But someone it just never came up.
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RHP User
11 years ago
And Obi1K You know, you could still have kids if you met the right woman. You just never know what is around the corner.
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Tall74nHard9
11 years ago
Is exactly that - your decision. Some people at any stage in their life may believe that they may not feel comfortable with the lifestyle or responsibilities associated with having children. Looking after children throughout their lifetime will usually range from being extremely frustrating to extremely rewarding, with every emotion in between. As has been noted by both Rick Blane and Meeka, the overpopulation theme just doesn't sit right with me either. Your concern about this 'messed up world' to be inhabited by said children also just doesn't ring true. Children are getting smarter by the day, particularly with all the instant communication we have available these days, and they have more opportunities to learn so much more about what is going on around them on a much quicker timescale. Questions are quickly answered and values are just as quickly enhanced. I can only answer in light of having children, and say that it has been a mostly rewarding experience. Sure, there have been plenty of 'lowlights' and frustrations, but on the bigger scale the positives come out on top. I have also been a grandfather for nearly 11 years, and that is another joy to behold on another level. Just today my daughter phoned up for regular contact, and told me that my second grandson has been annoying her constantly lately because he wants to come over and see me. That is just priceless. My mother is still alive, so the younger ones are great-grandchildren, and that has also breathed further life into her - and both sides are always extremely happy to see one another. So Meander, it's just not on a single level that a decision about children has it's effects, but on a broader scale as well. But in the end, it is a decision that YOU have to be happy with making and living with, as only you know your desires best about how you wish to live your life. Tall
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Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
Better to choose to not be a parent than to be one. Life has a funny way of working things out.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' When people have questioned why I'm not a mother, adding the "selfish", "don't like kids" bla bla, I've been known to say *insert lip quiver* "What makes you assume I'm even able to have children?" The speed at which they back off is highly amusing, but also: if people make these assumptions about me, how much must they hurt someone who does desperately want to be a parent? But really, I would like to hear from those who don't agree with my views on this. I'm genuinely curious.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Just let me add * Nothing* makes it's OK to say anything on the subject. Dont "fuck around" with peoples inability and make it your own . Make it YOUR choice and own it!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Was there a period at all where you did get a maternal instinct? I've found that this day and age having children isn't a priority as it once was. you used to get married buy a house and have kids, now its changed so much, our careers take over and money become a big issue more than ever. Im not saying it about you but I'm finding more women focused on their career and lifestyle, some have told me kids get in the way of their life. In nature its in us to breed, we are no different than any other living thing on this earth, its built into our DNA to breed and survive, its always been that way, my question is whats changed?
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RHP User
11 years ago
for the same reasons you mentioned. It was a shitty world and I thought it was pure cruelty to bring a child into it....then I got knocked up. I was 19, still a child myself, but it happened and I committed to it. Then I figured, well I already have one, what's another one. So 2 beautiful boys I had, that was going to be it. I was 21 with 2 kids by this stage. Then my cousin went and had a girl, oh, I want one, so we actually tried for the last girl, but got another boy 7 1/2 yrs after the second one. Time to stop, I have 3 boys, that is a car full and I am too cool to drive a minivan. When I rang to tell my Mum with the news of the first one, she said,'OMG, are you sure, you don't even want kids!' but I had this little bundle of love growing inside me and it didn't seem to matter what was going on in the world, he was my world. I don't even like kids, I couldn't eat a whole one! Jokes, but they are messy, loud, rude, annoying and I still think that, lol, I cringe looking at other people's kids and think, if that were my kid!! You have to teach them stuff, spend your money on them, they are ungrateful, full of attitude, want everything and don't get me started on all the stages you have to go through before they become real people. But I would not give them back for the life of me. Despite all the shit going on in the world, all the bad influences, shitty role model of a father (and probably their mother at times), they have turned out pretty bloody good so far. Two of them are now full functioning adults and the last one is still brewing but the odds are looking favourable so for someone who is not typically 'maternal', I have produced 3 terrific kids who I love and they love me back unconditionally. Do I think you are selfish, no way, I totally understand where you are coming from, but I am glad I had the opportunity and the privilege of being a parent and if I never got knocked up in the first place, I may never have known that joy. Just like you can't imagine life with kids, I can't imagine mine without them.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I find this a hard one when men haven't had the opportunity to have kids and do want them, I could never go back again now for more. I have done my time and I could not offer a man a child of his own at this stage of my life. It has been put to me before about having more kids but no way. I could not even start a relationship knowing that someone wanted kids and knowing that the only reason I am not going to provide them was because I was being selfish.
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Lovinit28andKC72
11 years ago
Everyone, makes the decisions that are right for them, "your life, your choices." I choose to have kids, lots of them, it's what I always wanted, it was the decision I made. Whether you choose to have children or not, for whatever reasons, it has no indication on who you are or what your purpose in life is. I have friends who don't have children, sometimes I envy them, their choices, their life and sometimes I don't......💋
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'VelvetNoir' Maternal instinct I do have, but not with children. I like children. but have no desire for my own. I love my rabbit and puppy. They are enough for me Same here, I'm quite maternal, but chose to be the mum of a menagerie of animals. In my job as a Registered Nurse I also have plenty of opportunity to take care of others. Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' Your clarification here makes sense, but do you really find life that intolerable? Because as fucked up as the world is, I can still never get over what an amazing place it is, and how lucky I am to be alive. I'm not wanting to be a shit-heel here, your reasons are your own and your completely entitled to them. But I just don't think you need a top 5 of them. I think you just need the one, and that is that you don't really want kids. It's not the life you want for yourself. I think there is still much good in the world, and I'm happy to be part of it most of the time. However I also think it's going downhill fast. Sounds very doom and gloom, but for me it's reality. Of course you are right, I only need one reason: I do not want children. Period. And thanks for the compliment! Quoting 'Meeka100'I agree with Rick Blaine. That argument doesn't sit right with me either. It is saying that there is no hope or value in bringing a life into this world. It's a tough one to explain and I'm not sure if it even makes sense to any of you. Like I said to Rick, there is so much good and our children can make the world a better place. But I look at generation Z (yes, massive generalisation of course) and I'm sincerely wondering if that will happen. Time will tell. Quoting 'Saturn65'Just let me add * Nothing* makes it's OK to say anything on the subject. Dont "fuck around" with peoples inability and make it your own . Make it YOUR choice and own it!! The reason I do the "lip Quiver" thing is because I like to put (IMO) very ignorant people in their place. You should know that by now! Quoting 'Simplelife123'Was there a period at all where you did get a maternal instinct? (...) Im not saying it about you but I'm finding more women focused on their career and lifestyle, some have told me kids get in the way of their life. In nature its in us to breed, we are no different than any other living thing on this earth, its built into our DNA to breed and survive, its always been that way, my question is whats changed? As I said above, I can be quite maternal. Yes, the "women are (too) focused on their career" is one I hear a lot. I work part-time and have no interest in climbing any kind of ladders, so that's not true for me. And about the DNA: I must be missing a nucleotide somewhere then.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Bad form, RHP.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Quoting 'VelvetNoir' Maternal instinct I do have, but not with children. I like children. but have no desire for my own. I love my rabbit and puppy. They are enough for me Same here, I'm quite maternal, but chose to be the mum of a menagerie of animals. In my job as a Registered Nurse I also have plenty of opportunity to take care of others. Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' Your clarification here makes sense, but do you really find life that intolerable? Because as fucked up as the world is, I can still never get over what an amazing place it is, and how lucky I am to be alive. I'm not wanting to be a shit-heel here, your reasons are your own and your completely entitled to them. But I just don't think you need a top 5 of them. I think you just need the one, and that is that you don't really want kids. It's not the life you want for yourself. I think there is still much good in the world, and I'm happy to be part of it most of the time. However I also think it's going downhill fast. Sounds very doom and gloom, but for me it's reality. Of course you are right, I only need one reason: I do not want children. Period. And thanks for the compliment! Quoting 'Meeka100'I agree with Rick Blaine. That argument doesn't sit right with me either. It is saying that there is no hope or value in bringing a life into this world. It's a tough one to explain and I'm not sure if it even makes sense to any of you. Like I said to Rick, there is so much good and our children can make the world a better place. But I look at generation Z (yes, massive generalisation of course) and I'm sincerely wondering if that will happen. Time will tell. Quoting 'Saturn65'Just let me add * Nothing* makes it's OK to say anything on the subject. Dont "fuck around" with peoples inability and make it your own . Make it YOUR choice and own it!! The reason I do the "lip Quiver" thing is because I like to put (IMO) very ignorant people in their place. You should know that by now! Quoting 'Simplelife123'Was there a period at all where you did get a maternal instinct? (...) Im not saying it about you but I'm finding more women focused on their career and lifestyle, some have told me kids get in the way of their life. In nature its in us to breed, we are no different than any other living thing on this earth, its built into our DNA to breed and survive, its always been that way, my question is whats changed? As I said above, I can be quite maternal. Yes, the "women are (too) focused on their career" is one I hear a lot. I work part-time and have no interest in climbing any kind of ladders, so that's not true for me. And about the DNA: I must be missing a nucleotide somewhere then.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I think it's just me becoming a grumpy old biatch in my old age or something but I find the direct approach on calling them out for being either ignorant or nosey more satisfying.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I note that some of the people who say they wouldn't judge you for your choice, don't have an issue judging you on one of your reasons (overpopulation / the future of the world). I don't want kids and that's also one of my reasons (not one of the foremost but it's up there). I think one big factor here is that a lot of people are living in blissful ignorance about the incredibly precarious position the earth is already in, and although there are some small changes happening promoted by a few, at this stage they are nowhere near enough to even make a dent in some of the ecological, environmental, and socio-political changes that we are currently on track for. It's as valid a reason as any other for somebody to choose not to pass on their genetic material. And I am also missing that drive to breed that apparently we all have built into us. I have no maternal instinct towards human babies / children whatsoever (but give me a puppy, kitten, or baby sloth and I'm in raptures), and I actually have very little interest in children in general. I've met a few that I liked, but they are few and far between. My mum is the same way, of course she says it's different if it's your own child but I'm not interested in testing that theory for myself. And yes, if I had children they would get in the way of other things I want to do more, and that includes finish my degree and build some sort of career. There is nothing that says children should be the be-all and end-all for every woman. And don't get me started on the 'selfish' argument. I mean, I'm sure that most people are having kids for purely altruistic, unselfish, 'for the greater good of the world' reasons, right?
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Luckdragon23' I note that some of the people who say they wouldn't judge you for your choice, don't have an issue judging you on one of your reasons (overpopulation / the future of the world). I don't want kids and that's also one of my reasons (not one of the foremost but it's up there). I think one big factor here is that a lot of people are living in blissful ignorance about the incredibly precarious position the earth is already in, and although there are some small changes happening promoted by a few, at this stage they are nowhere near enough to even make a dent in some of the ecological, environmental, and socio-political changes that we are currently on track for. It's as valid a reason as any other for somebody to choose not to pass on their genetic material. And I am also missing that drive to breed that apparently we all have built into us. I have no maternal instinct towards human babies / children whatsoever (but give me a puppy, kitten, or baby sloth and I'm in raptures), and I actually have very little interest in children in general. I've met a few that I liked, but they are few and far between. My mum is the same way, of course she says it's different if it's your own child but I'm not interested in testing that theory for myself. And yes, if I had children they would get in the way of other things I want to do more, and that includes finish my degree and build some sort of career. There is nothing that says children should be the be-all and end-all for every woman. And don't get me started on the 'selfish' argument. I mean, I'm sure that most people are having kids for purely altruistic, unselfish, 'for the greater good of the world' reasons, right? You'd see that I didn't judge, I challenged. There's a difference. And Meander rose to the challenge and engaged in the debate, which is what discussion is all about.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Surely you decision which you seem comfortable with,kids aren't for everyone! I myself only had a child in early forties!obviously I had some help!lol Pros and cons,watching them grow can be joyful,mine is cheeky bugger (Karma,payback ,sorry mum)playing sport lots of fun too! Your free time is gone ,silence serenity is gone, kids are demanding from infant till teen horrible (know all)stage! Career ,travel lots easier without kids that's for sure !
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RHP User
11 years ago
I had my last child at 40 have no regrets what so ever with having my children my first two didn't get to raise so enjoying my time with the one still at home ....it is everyone choice to have or not to have children if you decide not to have children then that's your choice not anyone else's you can have an opinion but that's there opinion my son decided long ago not to bring children into this world so be brave and stick with what you want no one else
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madotara69
11 years ago
Quoting 'Luckdragon23' And don't get me started on the 'selfish' argument. I mean, I'm sure that most people are having kids for purely altruistic, unselfish, 'for the greater good of the world' reasons, right? That is exactly why we have kids. Could equally argue that this population crisis is a load of cocky poop too, the planet will always survive, no matter the population, as well will go on for thousands of years before overpopulation becomes the end of us, if ever. We as an intelligent species evolving will adapt too population. By using this population argument suggesting that us having children, comes across as a selfish reason, claiming we are destroying your future. Well we won't, but we are giving someone else one. Choosing not to have children is up to any one, but you should not blame us for our choice, as backing up your decision. Pets eat too.
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RHP User
11 years ago
My dogs are adopted, you're argument is invalid. :-P
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RHP User
11 years ago
Your*
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RHP User
11 years ago
I too was going to be the lifelong bachelor until that fateful night I set eyes on her, now I have a boy 9 and a girl 12, yeah yeah late starter ! My only comment is I cannot now imagine nor wish to have my life without them. I totally understand your reasons I've been there, but to be totally honest when I meet childless people I kinda pity them.
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RHP User
11 years ago
To each their own. And at the end of the day some people are not cut out/meant to be parents as it is by far the hardest job my husband and I have ever undertaken. You have to become selfless to the Enth degree and with every moment of the day your thoughts go to your children and their welfare, their future, their health, their needs, their wants, their everything. I have no natural maternal instinct but hubby is practically a breast lol. It took a lot of convincing to get me off my career path to have children. And throughout the 24 hours in a day when they're all fighting and yelling and whinging each other, that moment comes when you get a toddler wrapping themselves up under your dress around your legs saying they love you in their jibberish and that's when life makes sense. That's when life makes sense for me anyway and I would never ever look down upon someone for deciding not to have children. But I can't say the state of planet earth has ever factored into my decision making process in child bearing or raising in any way shape or form. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I often get funny looks when I let people know that I've never been married and I have no children. I, sometimes, use the fact that I've never been married to imply that I must be a virgin and therefore childless. My choice was completely based on selfishness. I enjoy my freedom and don't want to change my lifestyle to devote myself to someone else. Plus I don't like kids, I didn't like many when I was a kid. I tended to hang around people older than me. I also tend to lose touch with friends once they have children as they want me to work around their lifestyle which doesn't work for me. C'est la vie.
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RHP User
11 years ago
If you are not willing to have yourself 100% invested in raising a child why would you choose to have one. How is the decision not to have children a selfish one. I am a mother and would not give it up for anything. There are many people who do not have children for whatever reason. Why should they justify their reason. Why should anyone else presume to judge. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Sorry that people have said lame arse things to you about your choice. I know what it feels like. In my 20's I had a marriage that didn't produce any children. I did want to become a mother but was deemed infertile by gynaecologists. The relationship had spanned about 14yrs so by 28 I had just about experienced all the weird looks, snipes and comments from friends, acquaintances and in-laws etc. That relationship ended and I moved across Australia. I was in a much happier place, had a new partner, and at 32 I fell pregnant naturally. I was overjoyed and am fine that I only have the one. Motherhood definitely fulfilled the craving I had, but, one is enough for me. So I understand both sides. As I was once, very much, the young childless woman being treated like I was just an incubator and a piece of meat by people while being jabbed, tested, poked and prodded by doctors. A slave to taking temperatures, keeping diaries for everything and being on fertility drugs that made me hormonal and crazy and ultimately didn't work coupled with the look of disappointment and blame on my then husbands face every single month! Many people are opting not to have children these days for lots of reasons. There is nothing wrong with that.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Having a child is something I have all but certainly decided against. My brother, who does have one child, has called me selfish ect ect. Although we humans are biologically programmed to procreate, I ask him who is more selfish, bringing a baby boy into this over-populated place just because that's what is expected. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm an aunt to 8 and absolutely love it. However, I've never really had a desire to have children of my own and it's something that you need to be 100% committed to. The "you're selfish" comment always makes me laugh. Who am I putting myself in front of? A baby that doesn't exist? My parents who have really had enough of being the babysitters? I like to think it frees me up to be a more supportive family member or friend
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have a sister who doesn't want kids and the rest of the family never really expected her to either. She has always been anti child and that is fine with us, we wouldn't wish her on a child, lol. She has now found a great guy though and being in love seems to have changed her attitude a lot towards her nephews. She seems a lot more open and loving towards them and although we still don't think she will have kids, we do take the piss a bit and ask her if she is getting clucky, lol.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Hi Meander, As a parent (who started extremely young at 17)... I had 3 children under the age of 3... The youngest is now 34 (oldest 37). I also have 3 wonderful grandchildren. A lady's (or couple's) decision to have or not have children (regardless of their age or situation), is totally up to them and their reasons have nothing to do with anyone else. No-one has the right to judge one way or the other, what anyone should do as far as 'reproducing' is concerned. I would never presume to be anything other than 'undisturbed and disinterested' in other's decisions. They are personal. FULL STOP. I have been judged for doing the opposite and being 'IRRESPONIBLE' for having children so young and so close together... The reasons have been many, but the most common was, "How can you give the attention that each needs if they are all so young? GET FUCKED!!! I have raised 3 intelligent, contributing and selfless human beings that I grow more proud of every day... They, in turn, have blessed me with grandchildren with whom I am constantly amazed and so very thankful. My kids have always had jobs and worked. Two went to Uni and the eldest is a Tradie (and proud Dad also has the need to add that he was also a model in his early 20's)... Some women just don't want children as they don't fit their plans for 'life' (it's YOUR life). Some prefer to have a career. Other's DO feel this world isn't a very nice place to bring more people into. Whatever the reason, it's their business and that's THAT! When I see the amount of children who have been victims of 'horrible' upbringings (when the fault of which is the parents) and those that are given up for adoption or aborted because they are basically unwanted... I can only say Kudos to those women who realize they don't want to have children and rather than betray their own wants and needs and please others, they stick by their decision and do what is obviously the right thing for them...
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RHP User
11 years ago
After having related my story and ideas, I will say that I LOVE my children and would die for them, but I generally don't (and never did) like children (anyone else's). That could be my 'considered' opinion that many parents don't or won't 'CONTROL' theirs and they become a source of annoyance and discomfort for those around them. And later in life, having not known discipline in any way, become MORE than just a source of annoyance. Just a personal opinion... Unfortunately, there is no requirement for anyone to be 'licensed' or go through some kind of 'pre-child' training or examination.... Alas, I feel many would fail.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Its simply a personal choice.I have a few brats, never thought I would either and yeah at times it ain't easy as your no longer responsible for your own well being - you now have others to attend to as well . Am I envious of those who don't have these extra burdens if you wish ? at times yes and no but are they selfish no not at all, it doesn't even make sense. Ask around, commonly It seems those who are single would like to be married and those who are married would like to be single but in reality that's really only some sort of impossible dream and its probably for the most part just a cool thing to say. Does this all change as you get older ? Maybe who knows At least Meander is still 'trying' to populate the world by being on sites like this or so she implies anyway. So the effort is there.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' Sure, there are many good things, but I look at my nephew who was born a very sensitive and highly intelligent soul. He takes in all the pain and suffering he sees on TV every day. If my child was born like him (and there's a good chance, because I was that child myself), I'd feel utterly guilty for his or her struggle. Who's fault is that? T.V's do have an off switch. USE IT
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have no idea what that even means. Or are you implying I'm trying to leave a legacy through my posts? ;-)
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RHP User
11 years ago
i have a 11 year old sports champ,just last weekend was looked at by NSW to trial in soccer.he has grown into a young man,friend,mate,similarities and looking back at if i planned having a child it would have never EVER.... i was shocked when i was churning over in my head NO DIDNT WANT 1,but i guess when i was 32 that was part of life. having 1 now NO WAY too late @ 43, we all have choices either yes or no ,but honestly best thing ever that could happen to a human being and to have one and still be with a partner thats the tricky part :/ thats why alot of us commenting here have obviously have our kids living out of suitcases either every weekend or 2ndbut they adjust very well,thats my view on it ,overall IM HAPPY :)
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captainkaos
11 years ago
but I am at work and I only just skipped through a lot of this forum. I am sorry if i am repeating what everyone else has said. You are not being selfish at all Mea. Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want as long as it is within the law i guess. No one should judge how you choose to live. I however am selfish because i too don't particularly like babies. Too much work for my liking but as kids grow up, they become more fun and adorable. I was married and happy that we could do whatever we wanted when ever we wanted but One of the reasons that i wanted kids was because I didn't want to grow old without a family of my own to look after me. Hopefully they wont just throw me in a nursing home. lol. I had a customer who's husband had died and she was all alone in the world. Her neighbour, also a customer of mine would always complain that it shouldn't be her duty to look after her but sadly there was no one else to help this poor old lady.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Meander, after reading so much of yourself in the posts over time, even briefly meeting you at the meet n greet, whether you choose too be a mum or not, is besides the point, I reckon you would make a fantastic one.
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madotara69
11 years ago
Be* a fantastic one, or both.
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Seachange73
11 years ago
Quoting '50zcool' I too was going to be the lifelong bachelor until that fateful night I set eyes on her, now I have a boy 9 and a girl 12, yeah yeah late starter ! My only comment is I cannot now imagine nor wish to have my life without them. I totally understand your reasons I've been there, but to be totally honest when I meet childless people I kinda pity them. Just a quick one as leaving quickly for work. Yes I agree with your statement above. can't imagine life without them despite them being pain in the ass at times but now I live to hear their voice, their laughter and the unconditional love when they hug me, like while cooking them dinner and giving me a big kisses after a good dinner. In this world where there are a lot of vile and nasty people intent on destroying other people for their selfish gain, their beautiful kind presence confirms that I have made the right decision. they will do good for society as their intelligence, sensibility and sense of kindness and fairness will in some ways in address the imbalance created by the unjust. I suppose it is pity and sadness you feel for those really wanting to have kids and can't have them. I read that that is what you mean? For those who have decided not to have kids, I also admire for them to sticking what they believe is right for them. also more power to them. Cheers.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' I have no idea what that even means. Or are you implying I'm trying to leave a legacy through my posts? ;-) Sorry I meant at least your still screwing members of the opposite sex, so its not as if your not trying, you still receive top marks for that and this would certainly shut people up for a bit if you were to mention it(not implying any lack of fertility etc etc)
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precious142
11 years ago
Growing up in a large family I always wanted to have brats.....At 28 womens health problems saw an end to that want........and I wasn't prepared to go through the risks and pain of having kids against doctors advice (this was 30 years ago)It is what it is.....I am an awesome aunt to my 8 nieces and nephews, my oldest niece is 36 and youngest nephew (4) and niece at 18 months is enough to keep me busy.... I have done quite a few things in my life that I probably would not have with brats in tow......but have had many wonderful friends who have allowed my maternal instincts to shine through by allowing lots of time with their brats.... Recently I acquired a 6yo grandson.......my g/griend's gandson was spending some time with me...he asked if I had any grandkids. When I replied no, he asked me if I would like him to be my grandson............gotta love Little man!!!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Mpowered' Quoting 'Meander' I have no idea what that even means. Or are you implying I'm trying to leave a legacy through my posts? ;-) Sorry I meant at least your still screwing members of the opposite sex, so its not as if your not trying, you still receive top marks for that and this would certainly shut people up for a bit if you were to mention it(not implying any lack of fertility etc etc) The point is she doesn't want kids. The fact that a woman's sexually active doesn't mean they're trying to have kids. (or maybe you were joking, in which case, ignore what I just wrote).
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RHP User
11 years ago
We have 3 kids 11-20. In my twenties I certainly would of thought you as selfish but that was a long time ago. Now I can see that it's your choice and no one ought to tell you what to do. you have made the right call for you. That's what matters. Mr slow.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' Quoting 'Mpowered' Quoting 'Meander' I have no idea what that even means. Or are you implying I'm trying to leave a legacy through my posts? ;-) Sorry I meant at least your still screwing members of the opposite sex, so its not as if your not trying, you still receive top marks for that and this would certainly shut people up for a bit if you were to mention it(not implying any lack of fertility etc etc) The point is she doesn't want kids. The fact that a woman's sexually active doesn't mean they're trying to have kids. You better believe I'm making damn sure I don't fall pregnant! Who knows, I may be infertile, I wouldn't know.
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RHP User
11 years ago
just Joking I get bored and like to stir up trouble occasionally and the most recent endowment thread has gone all quiet
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'ralf74' I find this a hard one when men haven't had the opportunity to have kids and do want them, I could never go back again now for more. I have done my time and I could not offer a man a child of his own at this stage of my life. It has been put to me before about having more kids but no way. I could not even start a relationship knowing that someone wanted kids and knowing that the only reason I am not going to provide them was because I was being selfish. Agree... Even in the Vanilla sites, you come across women, either in their profile or when you meet them, in their mid 40's + wanting a child (either because they haven't had one or want another...). I'm not a spring chicken, but I had 3 under 3 yo, and I didn't want anymore when I was 21... LOL. Then my second wife had 3 (total of 6 now...). In your words..."I've done my time..." and someone else's.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Slow_at_first' We have 3 kids 11-20. In my twenties I certainly would of thought you as selfish but that was a long time ago. Now I can see that it's your choice and no one ought to tell you what to do. you have made the right call for you. That's what matters. Mr slow. Hi slow_at_first I'm curious about when you thought people were selfish for not having kids. What did you think was selfish about it, at the time? From my perspective, I don't like kids that much and I've always known I'd be a terrible Mum. I figured that would be much more selfish than choosing not to have kids. If a woman doesn't want children, how did you see that as selfish?
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