F45
Defeating the Blame Game
July 11 2017
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
For the JFK Assassination! Fuvk i was not even born
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RHP User
8 years ago
I was born the day he was killed. My sister used to say two disasters in one day 😠
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yes all the time if you haven't noticed 😂😂 I have always been a bit naughty, always rebelled and did it my way. Hence, even when it wasn't me. I would cop the cane in primary school for things I hadn't done, some I had lol But I think stepping away sounds like the thing to do for you here. You don't need to be treated that way. Re friends, a wise person once told me, if you're doubting your friendship with someone or it starts to show the same pattern of poor behavior or at least makes you unhappy, and this becomes a constant, ask yourself if it's worth your time and effort investing in that friendship anymore. Sometimes you have to let them go. Friendship is supposed to be exactly that. If it's hard work and lacking respect, decision time
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Sawadee
8 years ago
I hear what you're saying and think you were dealt a bad hand.. You can't change what others say and do , but you can change you're own . Stay positive , seems that shoulder you lent in her hour of need went completely unnoticed ? .. That's her problem , don't waste good energy on someone like that.. leopards don't change their spots... Jay
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RHP User
8 years ago
...get caught out by our ''friends'' now and then in either the blame or perhaps more appropriately the shame game, as in ''shame on you for enjoying your life and accomplishments''. What a lot of folks don't realize is that if they can point one finger at you, there are usually three pointing right back at them. I'm the first to admit that I do enjoy a now semi-retired lifestyle that I enjoy and have enough stashed away to get both myself and a few generations of the Clan Midnight comfortably around the place if they commit to doing a bit of the groundwork too. I came into this world dead ass broke with no supposed hope of changing that...sorry, I changed that on my own. Full loads at uni and working a night job as a janitor were not my ideal of success however got me to where I wanted to go. Don't blame me if I drive a vintage Saab, have owned pretty nifty Porsche and can vacation wherever I damn well please...I earned it. I also have a nice loft in the city and a house out near Wilson's prom...neither define me as a person but are perks that I allow myself as they were hard won. I rarely talk about my place back home in the high Cascade mountains but it's there waiting for me when I'm ready to go home. I cop a lot of crap on this and other forums if I even mention that I don't have to water down my canned soup or eat rice one grain at a time but really...who cares? If people want to ''blame'' anyone for anything, they should look in the mirror and ask the person looking back at them why they accept who, where and why they are then lack the motivation or desire to change it all. Who and what you are is entirely up to you...make the most of it. This is not a dress rehearsal and I hope to make the final curtain call with some dignity. You rock and I gotta roll...be well and be your best! SLH aka CM...irascible as ever.
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RHP User
8 years ago
😏
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RHP User
8 years ago
Blamed me for her miscarriage. I was surprised when she told me she was pregnant with her third child as she said that she had decided with her partner to have no more children. I didn't jump up and down with excitement as she expected because I was trying to reconcile the change of mind with everything that had been happening in her life. So I was a little slow to be happy. She miscarried shortly after. She blamed me because I wasn't happy for her.... I know I'm not and she was looking for a reason no matter how far fetched-but it hurt especially as I had had two miscarriages myself and she knew how I blamed myself for that (even though I had done nothing to cause them) Our friendship ended....
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Seachange73
8 years ago
Good for you for putting all that hard work and enjoying the fruits of your labour. And even better to say the material stuff don't define you. Why would they blame you having what you have. What has it got to do with them. Maybe just ignore them and let them deal with their insecurities and self esteem issues. Just enjoy what you have.
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RHP User
8 years ago
All I can put it down to is being too hard on themselves. Maybe that hardness just spills over when they let too much in and can't hold it all in anymore. Somebody else has to take the flack. Or so they think. This is why it's not our job as the innocent bystanders to take on these sorts of comments as our own. Don't make me feel guilty for you not taking ownership of your own shit. Yes I care about you and can help you, but if you hurt me then you're on your own! That's what I feel like saying but it's better just to release on a thread lol :D - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hell yes you should celebrate that you've made it this far and proved everyone wrong. If you had a different head start, your life may have been very different, so kudos to you! Life is meant to teach us things by leaving clues. Some feel right, some we're unsure about and some feel wrong. As long as someone has good values then there is no point in arguing because we know nothing about what's going on in someone else's life and what they have to deal with. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
@ITM2 and @Jayme - touché, but she is a dear friend and most of the time it is good. She is a beautiful person, even though she is 18-19yr older and we do compliment each other and sometimes even finish each other's sentences. I'm not sure that we be so much now she's in a new relationship. But that's ok, I am happy for her. @KillerHeelz - my heart goes out to you! Nobody is really to blame for a miscarriage. If my Mum blamed my dad for my older sister being born brain dead, I wouldn't be here. He is now out of our lives and we are happier for it. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes friendships are just for a season. I blame it on too much stress! - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
At the time its difficult but whenever if feel burned by someone now I just see it as a lesson I had to learn. Either about myself or other people. After the initial anger or some time has passed, you can guarantee that you will get an insight if you reflect upon it openly. Also if I'm pissed off I physically work on the anger, usually put on some Bring Me The Horizon especially "Throne" . or "True Friends", both applicable, and punch the shit out of my boxing bag or go for a long run, anything to help me clear it out. Agree that it is usually pointless to try and reason with people in that mindset. Its like hitting your head against a brick wall. Ego driven BS. Set them loose and make way for something better.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I use to find this often. I realised these people are generally narcistic and will always invoke a response from you, to question your worth. Now I know the signs and in no way allow them to let me feel bad about myself. Self love says a lot for those of us who are empaths. Take your power back and tell them to fuck off and then let it go. These leaches are not worth the time from our beautiful heart many of us have. I dont even think these people realise what they say to others. However their self esteem is generally that low they have to make other people feel bad so they feel good. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
money is your only asset lol then that's how you advertise yourself. The rest of us are insecure with low self esteem 😂😂😂 lmao
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RHP User
8 years ago
Everything is our fault, colonisation, genocide, suppression of women. All my fault.
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RHP User
8 years ago
lol yeah much easier to deal with it on here 😀😉 What you said in the first paragraph, absolutely, I used to be like that so well understand how the brain worked for me then and how it works now, the difference is profound. People who are unhappy with themselves, as I was then but didn't realise, do take it out on others around them, use friends instead of appreciating them, all about them. It's not always about their insecurity or it might be but they don't know they're insecure, more just not being happy with themselves and like you say, venting that. Have you suggested she join the forum? 😁
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RHP User
8 years ago
it's the ones we care about. I don't give a flying fuck about people that don't matter to me lol what matters is that I do look inside myself, ask am I really like that and sometimes the answer is yes, maybe or no. Sometimes things aren't so black and white. This time I don't want her to blame me for anything else bad that happens if she fails to see her own life is made up of her decisions. I'm ok for our friendship to drift apart. If a friendship can't be sustained at a deeper level, best to be superficial again and have space apart - just to save the friendship. Some other things she said just shocked me since she's been in the relationship. It's like a power game she plays and I don't think she realises it. A completely different person when she was single to when she's in a relationship. I think she loses herself in one. 2 of his cows ate her plants from her garden. She does loves her garden. Out of spite, she told her partner to slaughter them and I was utterly shocked that she would get her partner to end the lives of his own animals. "He loves me more!" I asked him to help her to fix the fence and the 3 of us fixed it. Um... that's not a proof of love :O
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Seachange73
8 years ago
I have been thinking and reflecting on your topic. Sorry to hear that you, and some others, were blamed for circumstances that happened to others that was not really your doing It has happened to me, more so at work but that I can handle and resolved as I am not really emotionally invested in these issues and can keep a level head when it comes to business. I find it more difficult when I'm emotionally invested in the circumstances like with family and friends. With friends, happened before and those whom are not willing to come to the table to discuss the issues, well the friendship losses it's shine and is likely doomed. With family, very difficult. I got blamed for a niece, who stayed with me for a few weeks, for her break up with her bf because she can't live in Melbourne with me anymore. She lives in country Victoria and stays with me so she can see him. Okay at first then I realised she expects me to pick up, cook, wash up and clean up after her like her mom does. I don't even do that with my kids, raised to fend for themselves. I told her she needs to wash her own clothes and dishes and keep the shared spaces tidy. as my kids do. She cried foul to her mom that I forced her to clean up the whole place and treated her like a slave. She refused to abide by house rules so she went back home to my brother and her mom where she got treated like a princess. Her choice. That made it very difficult to sustain her relationship. She suffered depression again and brother was so mad at me. I told him that his daughter needs to grow up. She's 25 and should be treated as such. Not a spoilt 12. If she can't understand that she has to pull her weight in house duties as in any household. His wife expected me to 'serve' her daughter as she does. Nah, not going to happen. She lives with me for free but it's not a hotel. It's my home.
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Sawadee
8 years ago
My first post was in response to your initial post and the way you explained it. Your reply to me and touch , showed a much more caring you towards the lady in question.. That's fine. But if it were me , and I know it's not ' I'd still be guarded after that first episode.. A good friend should recognise that and put you at ease.. Just my opinion .. Jay.
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Seachange73
8 years ago
Yes reflection after the event. It puts things in perspective. and maybe easier for us to forgive but never forget.
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Seachange73
8 years ago
Nice topic btw. 👍
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RHP User
8 years ago
Well, she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene. I said ''don't mind but what do you mean, I am the one?''
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RHP User
8 years ago
On a more serious note, I was the only bloke in a household of girls and women so I was blamed for everything. E V E R Y T H I N G . But there was this one time, when I was a wee lad. We had all gone to Mackay in Queensland to visit some family there. They had a house with an outdoor loo (for some reason I lament their demise) and I had to go the loo one night in the wee hours. I crept out to the loo in torchlight and became completely freaked out - to the point of linen-soiling hysteria - by the sheer masses of cane toads across the back lawn and - worse - in the privy itself. I panicked, thought there was no way I could do this. They were, in my infantile imaginings, going to all gang up on me and squirt me with their poison, whereupon of course I would truly die. How humiliating, to die on the loo! So, I kinda sorta crept under the house (one of those houses that were on low stumps) and did my number two there. Because it's much safer under there in the dark and among the spiders and stuff, see? Anyway, to the crux of it all. The next morning of course, a certain odour wafts up through the floorboards. All the family are mortified, send one of my cousins under the house to investigate. He comes back up and says ''yep, somebody shit under the house''. I am a woeful liar, and went to confess my foul deed but - too late. Said same cousin lays claim to it, says it was him, he'll go back under and deal with it. He was gone a long time. It was very odd. So yes, someone else has worn the blame for something I did. Wait, what was the question again?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Sounds to me (ms U) that the new partner is messing with your friendship. Jealousy perhaps? I guess what you need to ask yourself, is will you be around for her if/when it ends? - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
😘 Family ones are the worst. Especially when someone passes away. Watch the shit go down then 😢 @Flygirl It's very hard when someone you loves turns on you. Has caused me so much angst in the past when it happened with my best friend. She accused me of setting up her seperated husband with my best friend. Totally not true, but at the time I could of probably been a better friend. It was not till I split with my ex that I realised how you can kind of lose your mind temporarily when you go through a break up. But there were cracks in our relationship already and this just broke them apart. She was often an energy drainer and after I spent time with her was frequently exhausted so think it was all for the best in the long run. Friends that have your back through good times and bad are the keepers. Things can change when someone enters a relationship but the fundamental love and respect should hold strong. - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
😂 glad you dodged that bullet blame - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I will still be friends with her of course, she just needs to sort her life out. We both have other friends. It's not the be all end all. One day if she does blame me for something again, I can bring it up and hopefully she can catch herself and see that it's a recurring pattern. I am taking a break from life at the moment and for me that's fine not to have to deal with rat race stress. I need something that lights me up or otherwise it's a drag. I have plenty of time to focus on my relationships in my life again, which are really important to me. @United17 - no it doesn't have anything to do with the partner. He works really long hours and is a lovely man. I couldn't be happier for them. She's gone into expectation mode with him. Complaining about this and that. She just needs to really pick her battles carefully. At first, they were head over heels for each other, now she's just wrought with worry.
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RHP User
8 years ago
@LilyOrchid - I really empathise worth you - if only they realised that if you'd said no to begin with, the youngsters probably were heading for a breakup anyway by the sounds of it. Why couldn't they just appreciate what you tried to do for them? Sometimes, helping people makes you look like the bad guy in their eyes. So sad that they fail to see... @EarthQueen - some people are energy drainers and you have your life to focus on. She can't rely on you to be happy or sad, what does that say about her own self-esteem? With everything that was going on and coming out learning a lesson may have been the best path to make you who you are today :)
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Seachange73
8 years ago
You can't say no to family as I genuinely want to help anyone of them needing my help. Asian families, being usually close knit, are usually demanding in terms of looking after our young. I have no issues with that. I.have issues with her not taking responsibility for her actions. She was spoilt as a child and grew up being the centre of attention and quite narcissistic. It's all about her as her parents kowtowes to her every whim, else she throws a massive tantrum or a big drama, like goes on depressive episodes or worst threatens self harm. Her ego is fragile. So every one gently tiptoes around her so she doesn't get upset and they be blamed for being insensitive and despicable. she has become a social recluse aa to a degree, bitter. Every one is against her attitude. Brother and mom pampers her to compensate. I think she was just taken aback her behaviour and whims are not tolerated in my home. My mother taught us that if we want to be treated as adults, act like one and take charge of your life. Regardless of whether her relationship worked or not, I couldn't tell her that. We can only support her learnings and pursuit of happiness to a degree. I'm willing to let her live for free as her own in my house. Some things she had to figure out herself and hopefully learn and reflect on the circumstances. Life lessons build strong characters, my parents used to say.
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RHP User
8 years ago
It was a hypothetical what if you said "no she can't stay" to begin with. She wouldn't have had that time in Melbourne and they would have broken up eventually anyway? Maybe yes her parents will never see it that way and would've blamed you either way lol this is getting complex. I understand family values especially in an Asian family, not that I follow them all rigidly, but if they ask and you never/can't say no, then it's no different than them telling you this is what's happening, but they still frame it into a question or even worse, you excuse it into a question. Well it's a good thing that you did try, a shame it caused so much stress for your whole family. Thank you for sharing xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
You wonder how many of the kids of today are going to thrive as adults when they are used to being the centre of the universe. I wholeheartedly support my kids but of late have taken a much more tough love approach to parenting and putting the responsibility of them not achieving what they want back on to them. Maybe its being a single parent now I just don't have the time or energy to pander to them as much as I used to. I feel its not doing them any favours anyway. I see many of my friends basically being slaves to their kids need and wishes. Doing everything for them with little thanks or no spirit of reciprocation from their children. I wonder how resilient this is going to make their children when they are faced with harsh real life situations. Seems to be creating an atmosphere in which anxiety is going to thrive when they have to actually start doing things for themselves. Its not a heathy balance in my opinion. Possibly creating the groundwork for a narcissistic, self absorbed adult who will find it hard to take responsibility for things that aren't working in their own life. A bit like your friend is doing now @flygirl not owning her own situation and blaming someone else for her lack of motivation?
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RHP User
8 years ago
@LilyOrchid - my apologies I now understand that you're saying living with family is different from knowing what family are like and trying to help. I was under the impression that you knew what you'd be in for which in hindsight you probably did, but thought you could help :( sometimes you gotta give things a try - I agree. @EarthQueen - for sure, it is a tough balance to know what's good for them and how to react. I recently had my nephew (20y) live with me and without being too much of an influence on him just plant seeds in his mind to think about his future and get over his fears, by using rewards as a motivator. I told him that Uni is great and will teach you transferable skills but needs to get work experience in the real world, not just for money. It wasn't until he ran out of money that he realised the value of hard work. It wasn't until he had a 6mth gap and locked himself in a room to play video games all day. He still did that at my place, but I set a limit with him to 20% of his time. He is getting distinctions and having to take over group workloads for dropouts. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom and feel it for themselves. One thing I want to teach him is asking for help. We offer help but he doesn't want to take it up. Definitely starts with who they will listen to and then it takes time to nurture. You're right... the longer they wait the harder it is to reverse damage. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Where their sense of reason comes from when applying blame? I used to struggle more with emotional blackmail, where people put the blame outside themself and leave the victim in a fog of confusion wondering what they did wrong when in fact they did nothing. It involves emotional manipulation that has the victim so confused, they have no idea how to improve the situation. I've had a lifetime of the blame game. Can you believe my foster-mother blamed me and my foster-father for leaving us because we were ganging up on her!? LMFAO. I was just turned 10. Gave her a good excuse to abandon me, more like and take the better child with her. A lot has gone on in between... I bless living in this time of my life where I look at how people behave towards me more critically now that I have more confidence. But, I also hope, with more understanding. That is not meant to be any sort of crticism of you, totally a reflection of my own situation. :-) I have had many friends in my time who, I have finally realised in the long run, were poor choices on my behalf. Wanting to believe in other someones, that they would add to my life rather than taking from it. We humans are quite a fragile creature emotionally. Peachy
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RHP User
8 years ago
Emotional satisfaction? Sometimes there is no logical reason, except whatever they come up with in their head lol
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