“Don’t yuck someone’s yum”… except in real life?

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  Temptress_T

  3 months ago

  Hubby and I have noticed a lot lately that we have a lot more friends in the lifestyle than outside of it. I do believe this comes down to acceptance of who we are and what we enjoy without the judgment of people that do not understand it in the vanilla world. I have found a shift from people willing to listen and learn instead they are quick to pass judgement. Opinions can differ and it is okay to still be friends with those that may have a different opinion to yourself. There is a lot that I don’t understand or enjoy in the kink world but I find it fascinating to find out why others do. Nothing hurt from learning. I think in life in general we tend to distance ourselves from people that do not serve our purpose or that we feel we no longer align with. I don’t see this necessarily as a bad thing, but more an experience that helps to build our path forward. Thanks again for another great post xx

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  seekandplay

  3 months ago

  What an excellent topic for discussion, really looking forward to seeing how others respond. I think prior to me being in this space, I perhaps too was a little judgemental. Even though I was deeply curious, I think the way I was raised with anything other than vanilla sex was wrong and sinful - I viewed the world I so desperately wanted to be part of also ‘wrong’. My way of pushing my desires of exploration deep deep down so I wouldn’t feel that guilt. We’ve seen it with Pine Bar opening recently, how their timeline was pushed back over a year because locals couldn’t fathom a venue where *gasp* people have sex. Oh, the horror. People actually enjoying themselves! Recently, I owned up to my ex husband of what I did prior to me leaving him. And also what I do now (which, to be fair, isn’t overly ‘wild’!) He was very curious about it all, but openly said ‘it’s gross, disgusting and dirty’. He thinks it’s a phase and in a years time I’ll regret the decisions I’ve made. I have one really good friend who doesn’t understand it at all, she worries about me constantly and doesn’t understand why I won’t just find one man who will give me everything I want and need (no thanks!) So, I don’t tell her more stories anymore because even though I know she loves me, I do still feel the judgement. I see the stares between her and my other friend when I share my spicy stories. I think it’s welcomed more in the kink/enm/swinging world because we are (mostly) all on the same page. We all believe in something more than just being with one person, that there is more than just monogamous relationships. You can still have your primary partner and enjoy pleasure through kink and with others in many shapes and forms. Are there things in this community that still shock me? Absolutely. BUT I LOVE that people are so free to express themselves how they feel and need without wild judgement from others in the community. That’s why I love the big parties - you see every kink, every body type, every age - no one batts an eyelid. Lastly, once upon a time, I always imagined this community to be full of strange people. To come into a space where there are people just like me has been the biggest shock and probably most welcomed thing. When my ex husband told me it’s dirty, gross and disgusting, I said that a lot of the people I’ve met are just like him and I. Regular couples. Regular singles. Regular people just being harmless and enjoying themselves. No one yucking anyone’s yum! ❤️

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  nutsundae

  3 months ago

  Thanks for posing the question! I love a post that makes me stop in my tracks and think. Yes, totally notice it, and increasingly, I find myself wanting to spend more energy on friendships inside the scene, than out. Not just for the acceptance, but for something even bigger - it's because those friendships often feel more 'real' - if that makes sense? In terms of why is not yucking on someone's yum prevalent in the lifestyle and not out? My very simplistic answer is because it's a vitally important norm in the lifestyle subculture(s). As @nightglider pointed out, emotional trust, vulnerability etc.. shrivel and die in judgemental environments due to natural self defence mechanisms. So we all depend on people not yucking our yum for the lifestyle to thrive. I think those attracted to the scene are often inherently non-judgemental, or it gets instilled and reinforced over time when they're in. Or they find themselves getting pushed to the side. Righty or wrongly, broader societal norms are far more judgy, prescriptive, exclusive, defensive, close-minded and punitive, largely because they're deeply rooted in thousands of years of patriarchal dogmatic bullshit....or whatever the polite technical term is. I'm sure someone will kindly fill in that particular blank for me.

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  sublime

  3 months ago

  Again you gorgeous woman, the topic of discussion is relevant, relatable and something we have not discussed yet . Having been in this lifestyle for 4 years I have certainly evolved many times over in terms of what I want to explore and experience ( this coming from someone who thought MFMF was a new type of burger meal at MacDonalds) I have also learned what doesn’t exactly entice me , does for others , I have had the courage to say exactly what I want too. I use the term different strokes for different folks frequently in chat. And learn to be tolerant of people’s kinks , Unfortunately for some, like you said, out of fear or lack of knowledge people are quick to judge others. This lifestyle should be a safe space to voice opinions and fantasies without fear of being judged, mocked or ridiculed. Let’s all be nice and respectful of people’s choices and kinks .

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  Deviant_Hotwife

  3 months ago

  Oh this is such an interesting topic. When I first dived into this lifestyle with my Husband …. I did share some parts of this with my Close ‘vanilla/non-lifestyle friends’ - deeply regretful decision. Alot of shock, judgement, misunderstanding …. Which I don’t take offence to, however it certainly strained the previously great friendship I had. Since then I certainly gravitate towards people/friends who are kinksters - I find it a lot easier to be myself around people who happily talk about kinks and sex. I have friends who are into kinks I could never see myself doing (vice-versa) but we certainly don’t judge eachother or feel judged. But … again, I draw a hard line and even discussing anything remotely kinky with others.

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  Nightglider

  3 months ago

  I’ve been reflecting on some of the replies to this thread and wanted to add a little perspective. One thing the kink/lifestyle world taught me that I genuinely value is the concept of not yucking someone’s yum. It creates space for people to feel safe being themselves without fear of judgement or unsolicited correction. What’s been interesting is noticing how much harder that can be in “regular life,” where advice, opinions, and assumptions often come quickly even when they weren’t asked for. Lately I’ve been thinking about how easy it is to judge from the outside. It’s easy to give advice when you’re not living someone else’s reality. It’s easy to think you’re being helpful when you’re actually stepping into territory that feels unsafe or overwhelming for the other person. Something I’m learning is that alignment with your own nervous system matters more than being understood or agreed with. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do for yourself and others is to recognise misalignment and step back without blame. Not because anyone is “wrong,” but because not every connection or conversation style fits every chapter of life. Acceptance of differences goes both ways. We can respect what works for others while also honouring what feels safe and right for us. Staying true to yourself isn’t judgement. It’s self-respect.

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  Nic11

  3 months ago

  'Normal' society is very rigid and traditional in values - one partner - marriage till you die and have kids. Even my choice to just remain single and no longer date has people questioning because its not 'normal- although that is definitely changing! I am still fairly new to this experience and have learnt quickly that I have a couple of gfs who are fully supportive and that's who I can share my experiences with. Others I have tested the water with some very basic information like looking for fwbs and they dont understand and judge so i know they will not be whom i share this life with. I think it comes down to your life experiences, if you have been through alot, exposed yourself to things, you become more open and accepting. The gfs i have who aren't accepting or who I wouldnt even contemplate sharing with have very different lived experiences- alot more narrow and they love the idea of the traditional. I no longer sit in that bubble after 5+ years on the dating apps. At the end of the day i have different close gfs and i dont share everything about my life with all of them and thats ok - different gfs fill up different cups in my life and i am grateful for their uniqueness and the friendships we have, I accept them for their lived choices and for me thats all that matters as they show me different perspectives and make me think outside my bubble. This community is something I am choosing to be a part of and it isnt for the majority but I am loving learning and breaking down the traditional tracks that have been laid in my brain and opening myself up to listening and learning about others journeys and challenging the way society said life was supposed to be. Its fantastic.

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  Notice_Me

  3 months ago

  I'm far too curious about everything to be judgmental about anything. Not interested in "naysayer" & "know it all" types. Believe me, you know nothing (Jon Snow) :)

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  nightingale8

  3 months ago

  Isn’t it ironic to judge others for their choice to be judgemental? 😉 It’s not very nice to receive though and the same reason I don’t tell most people. Judgment comes with losing power - losing credibility at work, losing credibility in community groups and friends, losing status within the family. I guess I think about it this way: I don’t think they have to know. Some secrets are my own power 😁

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  EarthQueen

  3 months ago

  I guess if your lifestyle is considered alternative you would find more in common with folks in alternative spaces. Not everyone is going to like all parts of you and you don't have to take it personally. Everyone judges, people are different and sometimes you just have to chose who to have certain conversations with. If it's not sexual its political or religious or whatever. I have lots of different types of friends and some I can talk about certain topics with and others I can't. As long as our values are in alignment that's fine with me. I respect their right to not like some of the things I do. I don't expect them to have an open mind about my sexuality. I actually don't really care. They are pretty prudish but I still love them. . But I can also have great conversations with them about other things like current affairs, what's going on in the world. They are interesting in other ways. They are just are monogamous and straight edge. It's all good. There are some things I won't accept in friendships as well. Stuff like racism and homophobia. Also people can be open minded about sexuality but it still can be annoying if that becomes their whole personality. I know I was a bit like this for a while and I'm sure it may have become as dull as fuck for some of my friends who did listen. I shut up about it when I noticed their eyes glaze over. It's fine to seek different types of tribes if that's what you need. People can change and grow all the time and need to form different types of relationships in different stages of their lives. Go with he flow and connect with the people who fill your cup up, in whatever way that is.

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  KingQueenTease

  3 months ago

  Well this has happened so so many times! Since being in this space I have learned that people are two faced! They will be one way behind a keyboard and another in person. I have met my fair share of people but you can always tell which ones are genuinely interested. All I can say is that everyone has their own opinions which you are allowed to have…but it’s what you do with that option that matters. Best to keep it to yourself. This lifestyle is so broad and has so many angles of likes and dislikes, wants, fantasy’s, craves, boundaries, what you want and desire it’s all about you! No one else although way way to many people like to have their say/opinion and that ca be so hurtful.

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  Kinkytop4her

  3 months ago

  There’s some pretty amazing people in the kink scene, artists, investors, lots of creative people.

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  RHP User

  2 months ago

  I’m too judgemental to have any weird friends. I’d tell anyone exactly what I think. I don’t like heaps of kinks and I’m not going to be quiet about it. And some are downright gross and disturbing

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  xfitcouple

  2 months ago

  I do think kink spaces often develop a different level of understanding around acceptance, and a big part of that probably comes from how much emphasis is placed on consent, communication and personal responsibility. In kink, people tend to get very used to the idea that just because something isn’t for you doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You learn pretty quickly to say “not my thing” instead of “that’s weird,” because everyone is outside the mainstream in some way. I also think kink consent culture can look quite different even compared to swinging. There often seems to be more explicit conversation about negotiation, limits, aftercare and emotional safety, not just physical consent. That tends to create spaces where people get better at respecting differences because they have to communicate so clearly about them. That said, I don’t think any community is perfect. You still see judgement everywhere because people are people. But I do think environments that are built around needing trust and communication tend to naturally create more acceptance, because without that they just wouldn’t function. Ms xfit

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