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RHP

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Ending toxic friendships (with kindness!)

March 21 2014

friendship

personal life

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I've ended a few friendships in my time, for different reasons. One because I wasn't able to be a good friend due to my own struggles at the time. Some because they'd become heavy and unhealthy. Some because the person never returned the favour of kindness and consideration. Have you ended any? I read the following online and thought it was a good list of reasons it might be time to let go: 1. You don't feel good when you think about seeing this person.How do you feel when you think about seeing this person? What about when you're with them? Is your friendship all about what you can offer this person, or do you feel loved and supported?2. You're on divergent paths.People join us on our journey with similar ideals, but as we move forward, we may have learned/taught all that was needed from this person. The friendship may have come to its natural end and that’s OK. If you're going to grow, you're going to lose people along the way.3. You feel resentment toward this friend.If your friend is no longer acting the way she used to, or in a way you don't like, it can be natural to feel a degree of resentment. However, holding onto bitterness is damaging. Forgive her for not being the friend you want, free yourself of any guilt and move on.4. You're doing most of the work to maintain the friendship.Remember it takes two to make a friendship work. If you're the only one trying to keep in touch and arrange meetings, it may be time to look at why. Friendships should flow and if you're the only one putting in effort, it may be time to take a step back.5. You're relying on this person to make you feel a certain way.There's nothing like a good night out with friends to give you a lift, but remember, ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Look within rather than externally to find what you need.

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Comments

  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    1) they were an addict 2) Denied they were an addict. 2) they didn't take responsibility nor want to. 3) The more I tried to support, the more enabling I was doing. 4) The lies and deceit were too much for me to handle (learnt behavour). 5) The manipulation when confronted situations, was the worst. 6) All promises, promises and promises to change, but never did. It became too toxic, hurtful and painful to my soul. I was constantly crying and not in a happy place. I was what one would call, "a rescuer". Sadly I couldn't rescue, as I had to look after myself and daughter. Never again. I had to seek counseling from a psychologist, for a period of time to help me understand it was not me. BUT I thank that person for teaching me many many valuable life long lessons. Foxy

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    I don't feel any ill feelings towards this person or anything like that or hold a grudge. I have put that memory in a gorgeous little box and tied a pretty ribbon around it and put it in a safe place. Every now and again I think of them...more times I don't. I only wish them the very best. I'm HAPPY to be back in my "HAPPY" place once again! Foxy XXX

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    people have fallen by the way side but I don't think I have really confronted anyone and told them I no longer wish to be friends. Sometimes I wonder how my friends became my friends, when I look at them, they are probably not people I would 'pick' as friends but they just kept hanging around, lol. I am the worst friend ever. I rarely discuss my emotional stuff with anyone, I don't care if they cry on my shoulder but I don't do it to them. I rarely ever call or contact them, they do the chasing. I am just not a very dependent person who relies on others. I do know that if I ever needed these friends that they would be there for me and vice versa. I think everyone is different, you are never going to see eye to eye with anyone on everything and as a friend, I accept them for who they are and they do for me also. I moved around a lot as a child so I suppose I never really had lasting friendships.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    We were highschool besties.......she was good at taking and not giving in returnAfter 30 years I had enoughI put a lot into my special friendships and while I am happy to carry the heaviest load It would still be nice for the other to share that load at times ;)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    One was a male friend,not a lover who I had been close friends with for ten years,one day he confessed something so incredibly unethical bordering on sexual exploitation that I was no longer able to remain friends with him.I wrote him a letter explaining my reasons,that was fifteen years ago....not gentle but the only way I could cope at the time. I have also been "dropped" as a friend after sixteen years...she was closer thasn a sister to me....I made the mistake of giving her a job....silly me xxQ

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  • Cheekyarses

    Cheekyarses

    12 years ago

    Superfox - I'm very similar to you - loved reading your response x

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    its inevitable... its a rare friendship that lasts a true lifetime. so 1,2,4 are deal breakers for me.. I have a tendency to be extremely loyal and way to honest lol..and I will hang in to the detriment of myself. (not any more!) 2 years ago, I let go of a 35 year friendship.. this friend was like a succubus, every single day there was a drama of some kind with her, but every day I managed to listen, advise and say/ oh well you made that choice when it went to shit. For the first time in all those years I needed her to be there for me and within that 20 minute phone call I got the statement, 'I cant deal with this shit'... I said goodbye, she has tried to emotionally blackmail me back since, I have ignored her, there is no going back from that one. another was less of a drama, just no respect for me or any common decency, when it came to me, so I left that friendship behind as well, that was a 25 year friendship the only other long one was an 18 year one, I let her go as fast as I could when I found she was slandering my 5 year old son to anyone who would listen, when he was being a normal little boy. many others have come and gone, there is something good and bad for me to learn about every single one of those relationships and I don't regret a moment of the time I spent learning with and from the situations. They have helped make me the person I am today.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    After years of social work and working with addicts, and offenders and all sorts of stuffI just do not have the patience for people that want to much of me. I keep friendships but sometimes at a distance, if a person gets to close or to clingy I back away. I cant carry a heavy load any more.that is why I only have male lodgers, sorry ladies but the men seem to notvocalise all the time about their troubles and I tend to mind my own bees wax with my lodgers, keep it simple. I have broken friendships over women that I felt put their own play time over their kids.Two in particular that I mentioned in another post and one I reported to the police as she allowed her 13 year old go out with some guy that was giving her money to go away and leave him with the daughter. I was so wild I nearly punched her over the coffee table. another same deal, she was always hooking up with men of the net and I am convinced one of them molested her son, who got into drugs and all kinds of stuff. I just said I cant be around you at all I have been dumped by a good friend , we were both on RHP but then she got really upset that the men we saw were coming back to my bed and not to hers. It was horrible as she is a lovely woman, and I have no idea why men did not come back to her, I suspect its only because I am married so no complications for them. when I break a friendship I will normally just not answer my phone to them or will tell them outright that its time to move on down the road. its rare as I am pretty good at finding nice friends who are strong women. Because I am a strong woman, then I tend to make friendships that are balanced, were our needs and our strengths are in equal proportions from both of us. if a person becomes a human vampire or does unethical things that you cannot tolerate then just step away.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I ended a friendship with a friend who was interfering in my life to the point that it became an unhealthy obsession for her and other friendships that ended due to our lives taking different directions.

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    After reading Lady T's post...has me thinking. I believe women have more broken friendships than men. (don't quote me here) But I tend to believe women put more expectations into friendships as in trusting their GF's, confine more onto our female friendships cause we care deeply (like sister friendships) and when there is a betrayal, it's is broken; where men are more (going to say) relaxed bond and don't put as much expectation in?? And too, I also believe gender difference with friendships last longer..as in opposite sex. As in man + woman being friends cause the dynamics are different to woman + woman being friends. I also believe when it comes to men, woman friendships become bitchy and more competitive amongst each other. Would that be fair to say? Foxy - having morning coffee, thinking about friendships.

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    I would've done the same thing as well, if I had a GF's that did that. Foxy

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I'm not a huge fan of women, for all the reasons you give. Of course I'm lucky to have a small few fantastic women in my life, and it's a matter of chemistry just like any other relationship. But I do so often find women gossipy, bitchy, competitive and tiresome. I read a quote somewhere recently that basically said be careful what you tell people as very few of them truly care, most are just curious for the sake of gossip. Oh so true, I thought :) I'm finding the men in my life are making good, health choices to cultivate male friendships with some substance. I think getting older has the blokes thinking ;) - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Friendships are pretty valuable and I think worth hanging on to despite any bad feeling, divergence, resentment, hard work, or dependence. But if a friend lies to you well that's a hard one. Yeh people tell little lies from time to time in the course of conversation and banter and awkwardness etc, that's understandable, I mean a lie when it was clear that honesty was important to the friendship. If someone lies to you in that kind of situation, well, sorry but goodbye.

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    Friendships are valuable! But don't take me for a fool or take advantage of me. Foxy

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    there are times when you want a friend to take advantage of you Foxy? Like, not in a bad way of course.

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  • Cheekyarses

    Cheekyarses

    12 years ago

    Tex2251 - I agree with your post n I must say you have nice shoulders n biceps! Plus a man who does hot yoga - a big tick of the box for me!! Mrs Cheeky x

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    is awesome Mrs Cheeky. Clears the mind and body of toxins like nothing else does. But I fear we are off topic, so back to friendships. Ending them is so final, whatever it is that triggers a change in the friendship, surely it's just that, a change not an end. In the example I gave above about misplaced dishonesty, it actually wasn't so much sorry but goodbye, more OK I'll take a step back here and then going from close friends to old friends. I can think of other examples where someone has let me down in important ways, it doesn't end the friendship just changes it to one where you still enjoy the positive in that friend just don't rely on them anymore. Or sometimes you can go from being friends, to just being friendly, better than ending it I'd say.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I read this thread wrong I thought if I knew people like this I doubt I could be their friends then re-read today...so... I ended a friendship once because one of my sons friends mothers tried to befriend me but she was so uninteresting...we had nothing in common and she kept trying to come over and would sit their with nothing to say...I dont remember her too much because sounds rude she was forgetable. I have had many fiends where we had such lovely connections we could go a year or more without talking and then pick up the phone as if we had spoken yesterday.....I love guiltless friendships. When I returned to full time work many years ago whilst being a full time mother also, I feared the loss of my closest friend and even though I tried to see her or speak often it didnt seem to work...so I being stubborn and naughty shut her out of my life...it was also a very sad time for me I knew I would be so consumed with work and family that ...all..fun life was over for me...I developed new friendships through my work and still have those to this day... But it was my dear girlfriend who I contacted before anyone else to tell of my seperation and ask her for help and after that I made a very concerted effort to regain our friendship I have never told her why I drifted away. I have friends who are 80 and 18 I see to get along with people of all ages. I find it hard to lose people I am way to caring. P.S. Foxy I did want to apologise for my last message to you. I overstepped my boudaries. Thankyou for being you.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    do we expect that friendships should last a lifetime when most of our marriages or other permutations of coupling don't..... We no longer live in the same village,never travelling a few miles from our door,we have varied and different life experiences,sometimes we just no longer have anything in common...as cest said,friendships take time energy and effort....sometimes friendships end,not with a bang but a whimper.....the most important friendship we can ever have is with ourselves....PS apologies to TSEliot.....xxQ

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    Quoting 'Tex2251' there are times when you want a friend to take advantage of you Foxy? Like, not in a bad way of course. Ms.Foxy, who's hand were tied at the time. ;)

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  • MsSuperFoxy

    MsSuperFoxy

    12 years ago

    Do some people ever feel guilty about it after some time (as in months) has past and emotions are not so raw anymore ?? I know I do...I only ask because. Just recently I put out "an olive branch" to see how that person was going? It was genuine and in kind thoughtfulness, of them. Very bad move on my Behalf, all I got was made to feel even more guilty and put downs. So a huge lesson learnt there, I can't control what others do. Foxy

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