F53
HEARTBROKEN BY CHEATING HUSBAND.
October 14 2007
Comments
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RHP User
18 years ago
It must have been a huge shock to you, and while you are in the pain, nothing anyone says will help much, but maybe when you've calmed down a little these words that someone else once said to us may help a little: "Love is not sex and sex is not love." Separate the two issues and it will help a lot with working things out. Huge hugs :)) MrsJohnnyReble
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RHP User
18 years ago
Hi, Sorry to hear what your going through. All I will say is that I think a lot of married couples are not totally honest with each other about their sexuality and through fear of being judged by their partner dont fully express themselves sexually and over time they need to find an outlet. You can't supress your true sexuality as much as you may try, eventually it will reach the surface. Maybe this is a chance to really open up your discussion about sexuality and what both of your inner desires and fantasies are....but maybe you guys were a married couple that were COMPLETELY honest with each other about your desires. Trust is everything in a relationship so bloody hard work regaining it or believing in someone again. Hope it works out for you. Matt
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RHP User
18 years ago
I understand where you are coming from. Its funny that alst night i was talking to a very good friend of mine on chat regarding TRUST with her partner.. it was a lenghty and enlightment discussion.. First off, chatting does not mean one is cheating, for one can still do that at social outings. on teh fone.. etc etc.. What consitute cheating.. is the "primary" goals of chatting, meetings etc.. In other words: looking for playing fun.. without your consent. This happens everywhere all the time, so you are not the only one. If the sex life is not a problem, yet he insists he goes to visit these 2 gay guys frequently for head jobs and couples for play, then somethings not right, and not on your behalf. To me this sounds like, he is bored and wanted "dangerous" excitement. This may, or may not mean he wants to loose you, it may means he might want to know what "klife" is about by doing something dangerous. To spark it up perhaps? i may be wrong here.. but thats just ONE of hte many possibilities. Lying is the nasty thing to do, specially to one that has complete trust to the person lying. If its me, i would say.. if you cannot hold a commitment to me as i have done to you, then why bother holding on to me? let me go... so i can find someone that does.. For healijng, Discussing with your partner helps as part of it.. for it does leads to closure and moving on. Sadly, this could mean divorce.. on the other hand, it also can lead to correction, and saving your marraige.. If he fails to co-operate, then you know what that means and what to do about it. Mean time, talk to your trusted girlfriends about it, they might be able to listen and offer support Sparty
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RHP User
18 years ago
You can get a million replies to a question like this with a million different opinions on what cheating is. The reality, though, is that "cheating" or not isn't the issue. The issue is that he hurt someone who loves him. All relationships have their boundaries - what is and isn't ok for each partner to do. Cross the boundaries and it causes hurt. For some people, the boundaries might be so strict as to not even look at another person in a sexual way. For others, a particular type of activity might be ok outside the partnership, or even, for some on this site, the relationship might give each partner total freedom to do as they like. It depends on each person's comfort level and levels of trust. No matter what the 'rules', cross your partner's boundaries and you will hurt them. The thing is, problems are always likely to happen when one partner has a different idea of the boundaries than the other. Usually couples just don't bother to communicate their expectations to each other - not because of any fault in them, but because we are all brought up to believe there is some kind of universal 'standard' and therefore our other half must automatically know what our boundaries are. Sometimes, luckily, that works out ok anyway. But sometimes it doesn't. Lies, though, are never ok. If he told you one thing and did another, he knew your boundaries, but decided to follow his own. IMO, your partner should have had the guts to be honest if it wasn't going to be ok with him to stay completely away from all this. At least give you both the chance to work all this out BEFORE you got hurt. It doesn't matter who he is, and while I suspect some people here would advocate for you to "name and shame" - I would plead with you NOT to share his handle here. This might seem like a faceless, anonymous computer screen, but there are real people here, possibly people you know, and this forum is a public place. Do you really want to air your hurt and anger here, among the very people your husband has been hurting you with? I would strongly suggest you seek couples counselling asap. You need some help and support, and the opportunity to express to your husband how much this has hurt you, in an open, honest way. He probably needs the same. Good luck to you both nadi xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
I can see this is going to be the Red Hot Topic for the week!! Yes, going to see anyone (male or female) for ANY kind of sex is cheating. No, looking at different porn sites, chat sites etc is not cheating. Trying to get sex on these sites without your partner's knowledge and not succeeding is the grey area. Cheating with intent but without success... hmmm... Not the basis for a long term, sustained relationship if you ask me!! My wife and I have discussed the human instinct for men to 'spread their seed' and for women to seek as many sexual partners as possible to promote genetic diversity, but then try to 'nail down' a male to look after her and her offspring (often with the male not realising that the offspring are in fact not of his genetic line). This is basic (I stress, VERY basic!) human instinct. It doesn't always work like this, nor should this be considered an absolute truth. Swinging is perhaps a way to side step some of these instinctive land mines, but communication is the key. If one partner is in to it, and the other shudders at the idea, this kind of stuff is not for you and will not be good for your relationship. Our opinion only! What does everyone else think?
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RHP User
18 years ago
no - moredeciet well i wish i could tell you it will be ok i can answer your question in 2 parts 1) if he was just chatting and haveing a perve personally i wont condone it or condem it. unfortunatly it is a male thing to wont to window shop so to speak and admire a nice looking woman. i think the ladies would do the same. but if he is taking thing further as he has then that not good and yes cheating. if your seaking sex with another beside your partener especially with out the pareners approval. as this could be an agreeable thing in some relationships, then yes hes cheating on you. 2) now the other part of this is not good at all. as a good friend of mine her husband was doing the same thing, when found out he'd been doing it for years. secretly contacting other men for sex which over the years he stop wonting to have sex with her less and less. after some suspion over time and thinking he was haveing an affair. only to find it was with a male ended splitting up the marriage. he now lives in a homosexual relationship with his lover(male). theynow have a really bed relationship as they were together for 20 years and have 3 kids together. he makes her life hell. he works underground mining and earns 140,000 a year and bitches at every cent he was to give for the children. he even goes to the extreme of have them shared custody so he doesnt have to pay so much for them and when he has them doesnt take them to school and get them baby sat so he can do what he wish's to do when he's home. sorry now im rambling. but honey i dont see any good coming from this at all, if youd like to contact me pls do so i can put you on to my friend who has been thru it all. she would be the perfect person for you to talk to . regards mal xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
"do you think going on sites like this and entering chat rooms constitute cheating" In itself no. However it does seem like your husband is going into the chat rooms for more than just a flirt and a perv if he is meeting up with guys from this. You say your sex life is amazing, are you sure he feels the same way?perhaps he is looking for something a little more or different, a gay guy is certainly different. Have you considered playing as a couple that wasy he can be open about what he wants and you both get some fun out of it?
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RHP User
18 years ago
From the female perspective - trust is something so very hard to regain in someone especially when you find out how long it has been going on for... There are so many emotions involved when someone breaks your trust; hate, anger, betrayal, deceit all surface very quickly. Rebuilding that trust can be a very long and intensive process that you both have to want to get back. For myself personally I would find it extremely difficult to regain that total trust I once had in my special someone. I really don't know that it can be completely regained. As for the cheating on sites and chat - I don't see it as cheating but I would have difficulty with it as it is lies!!!!! Omission of something and hiding an activity from your husband/wife/partner amounts to lies in my book no matter how you dress it up which ultimately comes back around to trust. Trusting your partner enough to discuss it rather than hide it. Goodluck with it no_moredeceit...... It will be very long and painful process and you need to find someone you can confide in.
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RHP User
18 years ago
no_moredeceit, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. At this point there is nothing anyone can say to you to heal you, but there are many who understand and would gladly offer a shoulder. Unfortunately, this is what comes from miscommunication. You may at this time call it deception, and with good reason too, please don't think I'm taking anyone's side here. Trust, honesty and communication are the three words I live my life by. They are essential to any relationship, regardless of whether it is marrage, family or friendship. These are probably the things that need to be worked on the most in everything, but when you have them, you are able to experience total freedom with those you love. Regarding your husband, you need to chose a time when the two of you are relaxed and calm, and then sit down and begin to talk WITH each other, not AT each other. Take turns in sitting and truly listening to the other person WITHOUT interruption or accusation. Doing this is essential to find out where the other person is regarding the situation you now find yourself in. And if you can set aside your hurt just for a little while, you may learn WHY he has remained part of this places. Regarding him visiting the gay guy. Honestly, it may be as simple as him needing relief that you may not want to provide him with at that time. Or there is the possibility that he's bisexual. But this is WHY you need to communicate with him. It may be that this is the first time that the two of you have be totally honest with each other. This probably won't help you at all right now, but my stance on his seeing a man for headjobs is it is not a big deal. Perhaps it is something you are not doing right now that maybe you could consider for the future? A good friend of mine whom I met through RHP is also married, and his wife is not at all adventurous. You will say that's no excuse for him seeing me, but at times, he just wants the extra that I am prepared to do and also arrange for him. I know he loves his wife deeply, and that this is only a physical thing. I am no threat to her, and in fact, I envy her very much for having a man like him. I can never have what she does, so I lose. By your husband taking you to meet the gay guy, shows I think, that he needs you to understand that he's lacking something. He is already showing you that he is willing to help you though this. Perhaps the two of you should have a very honest talk about the extra things you'd like to bring to your sex life, you may find there are things you'd like to experience as well. You say you still have an amazing sex life. This is a very positive thing, one that you can expand on together. Going on sites like this can be taken very many ways. Some people are only looking for social chat, and because this is a sex site, the chances are that they can talk sex and not be viewed as some sort of pervert. There are so many different types of people here, and many many of them are wonderful, open caring types. I've been blessed to know some of the best, and no, I haven't slept with them. There is a huge social element here, and we do social things together without sex ever coming into it. But if it does enter into conversation, its taken with good grace and huge amounts of humour. Once your thread gets read by the population, you'll see what I mean. I can just about tell you the ones who are going to offer you advice, and when they do, think about it as they are very very intelligent articulate people. I don't consider myself to be as articulate as they are, but I do hope that you find something in my reply to you that will offer some help. I will list my email so if you feel you just need a shoulder, then I'm more than happy to be there for you. You can also contact me on msn. I have been held up in times of great trial by those here, and I consider it an honour to be able to give back if needed. I wish you the best. Viking
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deltoid
18 years ago
Once read a similar question and answer that was put to a relationship counsellor in regards to is on line chatting or even non sexual meeting other people cheating. The answer was if this is being done behind the partners back and the person doing it knows their partner would be upset if they found out then yes it is cheating. Obviously if someone is just online chatting then it may not be as bad as if the person was having a full on sexual fling on the side but it is still cheating.
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RHP User
18 years ago
Not being rude when you are heart broken .U should let tell him to move out... It is good for you beleive me I am not gonna explain why i said this... My last posting was rejected (that did had lot more contents) and that kind of advice maynt be good for this site.
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RHP User
18 years ago
It's most unfortunate if this was never raised, which may have something to do with the same sex factor. For it is possible that he in some way felt ashamed of his behaviour, but was compelled by a long time latent homosexually... and even though he fought an internal conflict over this bisexuality, it seemed at the time that there was no other course than to keep it all safe in the closet... regardless of the fact that he may love you deeply and desire you as his wife. These illicit liaisons were most likely the resulted of satisfying his carnal urges rather than the deep seated attachment he has for you. An attachment which may now seem very fragile in your mind. The question is... Would he leave you for these men? Probably not. Approval is very important, even if it be a tacit approval. At some stage it should be discussed... no matter how hesitantly. Preferably before the event rather than after. It would appear that he is trying to make amends... or at least gender some semblance of understanding by introducing you to one of his special friends. nadi_me's perspective makes a lot of sense and I hope her words of wisdom can be helpful for you coming to terms with this affair.
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RHP User
18 years ago
chat rooms is not cheating!!!! But if he was lying about it it would be cheating, if he is lying hes got somthing to hide open means just that,we have an open relationship one of our conditions is we have to be honest with one another and not go behind the others back this would be cheating. cheers stubs xxx oh and good luck
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RHP User
18 years ago
Hello everyone. I cant even begin to express how very deeply moved and touched I am by the support and advice you have offered. Each and everyone of you have helped in some way and have helped me on my journey to healing. But its such a LONG and LONELY road I hope I can mke it to the other side. You have no idea how touched I am thank you so much. A couple of you said I should talk to my best friend, my husband was my best friend I dont have any one else. The only family I have is my dad, who I would not tell and does not live in WA anyway, and my 2 beautiful children who are 23yo & 20yo, from my previous marriage. And even though we are extrmely close and talk about everything, I would not want to taint thier view of thier stepfather as the love him to bits. My mother was ,sorry ,IS a slut who constantly screwed around on my dad and subjected me to unmentionable abuse. As a result of this and the pain I saw my dad suffer infedelity and honesty are so so important to me and my husband has always known that which is why the pain is so severe and my heart so shatterd. I know this may sound rediculous but I feel as though I now have found some wonderful friends more importantly, friends that I can talk to. Once again THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart xx no_moredeceit xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
I dont know if this will help but i have been in a similar situation a number of years ago. My ex and i were together for 10 years and had it all (or so i thought) we had the big house the 3 kids and i thought a happy life.What i did not know was that he was having an affair with his best mate from high school. You can imagine my horror when i gate crashed there poker night which turned out to be just that lol. Just a thought dont talk to anyone that is not a counsellor as they have a confidentiality that you will not find even in your best freind. They also have impartiallity that you need so that which ever way you choose to go it will not come back and bite you in the future. I say this from brutal experience. In hind sight i would not have gone to my "BEST FREINDS" house crying. Unfortunately her betrayal made it all worse. 5 years down the track i am now happily with my current partner and have moved on as has he. However if i had that time again i would have done things very differently ( just for the record trust is such a tenuous thing and not something that can heal on most occasions. If u find yourself wondering where he is and who he is with when he is 5 min late it will not work you will tie your self in knots of suspicion it is no way to live} whichever way you go good luck it took me over 2 years to be able to speak to mine civilly so perhaps as you are obviously still communicating you are already way ahead of where i was xx
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sasha4antonio
18 years ago
Hi, my heart goes out to you I wish I could give you a huge hug and reassure you that this is not your fault .Because I suspect that is what you think,especially given your background. I always say the glass is half full not half empty so in this situation one thing appears obvious to me and that is that you are both very much in love. I suggest, as others have to communicate with each other and explain to your that husband that he needs to be patient with you.You WILL have bad days or moments of anger and he owes it to you to be patient and understand but more important support you and validate those feelings.Granted it will be a tough journey but if you really do love each other and show each respect and understanding ,but above all COMMUNICATE you will get through this and perhaps have an even better marriage its up to you. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggg Good luck I hope things work out and you find love,trust and peace Sasha xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
after writing this out i read the other replies and saw a few common points expressed in different ways, the need for communication, honesty and defined boundaries a strong theme take this with as much salt as you want, this is only my 2 cents. i opted to drop being gentle for a honest reply drawn from my own experience. some things need to be confronted... these things are always better done sooner than later. on defining cheating: how you want to define cheating or where the line is drawn is completely inconsequential, cheating is what your partner says it is i.e. you are judge of their indiscretion, they of yours. gay, bi, straight, whatever your particular kink is ok, but its complicated when things develop under an existing relationship. lots of uncertainty follow when the security and stability of what you thought true is proven not-quite-true, but your difficulty getting a grip on it is testament to how heavily invested you are, so thats a good start :) its possible his deception stemmed from an acute awareness of the importance you gave the relationship, and in a misguided effort to maintain the status quo, attempted to sheild you from crisis. ultimately though something he didn't want interfering with his relationship with came back to bite him. you need to decide if you can trust him again or not. you don't mention if your partner realised his inclination before your relationship, but i'd guess he didn't. sounds like he confessed 'couples' first to soften the blow and ease this new info onto you gently, another couple is arguably less threatening than near anything else and introduces another possibility (the guy). coming out and saying to your partner that you are same sex attracted is not something done on a whim so his reluctance is somewhat understandable... but not a good move overall. did he confess of his own volition or did you spring him out? if he was unwillingly revealed its possible he either knowingly planned to deceive you or he was unable to be honest and open with you. if the former, welcome this insight into his personality and draw your conclusions. if the latter, welcome this opportunity to mend the rift. if he did know beforehand, what would the fact that he chose a relationship with you over his freedoms indicate? he must have really valued it to suppress a part of himself. deceiving you in that way would shake your trust significantly but it sounds like he wants you around. introducing his new friends shows he wants you involved in his life as he is discovering it to be and that its your acceptance he seeks. without your acceptance, there is a real problem as only conflict can arise. quite simply there will be disagreement, as you will have decided against him, abandoning the relationship. this outcome may not seem desirable, but to be honest you really should evaluate it as a possibile outcome. i get the impression its not something you'll find easy to consider but if you can overcome this, you'll become a stronger person who has recognised the control they have over their own life. unfortunately it'll fall to you to be the bigger person here and while that might not seem trivial now, you may find that when he is reassured that your bond is tight and sure, he'll feel able to move forward in his self-discovery/expression with a valuable companion by his side, you could be rewarded with a relationship stronger than this and many other obstacles. why did porn have to stop when you got serious? i hate to say but i think this is your issue to deal with. seeing skin is for guys what a delicate caress during foreplay is for girls. girls i know who didn;t like porn all seemed to be comparing themselves to the porno girls. they see people comfortable witht their bodies, celebrated for their lack of inhibition and directly compare themselves against it and feel inferior. porn is just the skin though, it cannot compare to the real thing. its also a convenient way to releive tension without making undue demands on the partner. there is little threat in porn, it may even be beneficial. porn can help people explore their sexuality in a very safe, non-confrontational way. i'd encourage you to perhaps make your own investigations into it, but please entertain an open mind. who knows, that amazing sex life could even get better. is your partner someone you embrace in entireity, every quirk and idiosycracy included? either you can do this or you might be with the wrong person. people are who they are, and wont change unless they decide to themselves. forcing behaviour onto someone is unhealthy and can only breed resentment. if you are with someone you're pretending is perfect for you, you're cheating yourself and deceiving him, if you truly care you'll be honest even if that means the loss of something you hold valuable. it most likely wont come to that, if you are open and honest. if it does, its for the best making social contact with people via irc, msn, web sites like this, at the shops when getting milk, anywhere at all is harmless. do you fear that he'll start talking to someone and find he'll like them more than you? is it that he was hiding it from you that triggered your fears? you should discuss this with him, without leveraging guilt make sure he is aware of your concern and help him to help you through this. if you are both wanting this to move forward, you both need to make a commitment to communicate better. you say you cant talk to anyone, does that include him? this would be the first place to start, with all the issues you raised here. dont expect a conclusion, hope to work towards continued endeavour. good luck and all the best :)
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RHP User
18 years ago
Ok, personally cant understand why you would make a profile on a site that you saying your partner visited frequently, then ask for others peoples advice from the site if you are so against it. Just find it a strange thing to do. also stating we are the only people to know about this just cant figure it out. Also you have subscribed as a male but state you are a married woman, wouldnt it have been easier to go on a womans profile as a guest and not pay if you are only looking for answers !!
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RHP User
18 years ago
chatroom does not make you a cheater its when you hook up and have sex without your partner knowing or joining in that makes you a cheater....Honestly if not happy in a relationship why stay?? and don't give me excuses.....because no excuse really is a good enough one.....no_moredeceit once a cheater always a cheater no matter how much they say its over and it won't happen again..it always does........do yourself a favour go get checked by your doctor........who knows if they used protection..........
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RHP User
18 years ago
I have read most of the responses and noticed one thing is missing, balance in the comments, it appears when a bloke cheats on his partner he is the butt wipe from hell but i have not seen a single response about women who cheat on their men. I threw my first wife out because she prefer other blokes company to me, then a few months later had an affair with a married woman. So I guess that makes me hypocritical about who cheats on who. I feel two people can love each other and live together in harmony enjoying each others company and doing things together but if the sexual spark has died and there is no longer any fulfilment then it becomes a different matter. If people cannot achieve fulfilment within their relationship then whats the problem of a bit on the side (thats why sites like this and massage parlours exist I guess) as long it does not interfere with or disrupt the relationship and is done in a discrete manner then perhaps one or two marriages may stay intact as a result. Perhaps in hindsight with my first wife, if sites like this existed back then, we both could have got involved like so many couples on this site do now because the sexual spark had died and perhaps we needed to spice it up (or at least she did) Maybe we would still be together because we still have an aimical relationship and do talk to each other on the odd occasion.
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RHP User
18 years ago
Massage parlours may exist for cheating spouses, but swinging and dating sites are not intended for that use. A bit on the side and no one getting hurt?? Seriously?? What is the point in being married if you are no longer enjoying each other's company (sexual or social)? Single men using sites like this to 'get a bit on the side' are the bane of good, honest, swinging couples everywhere!! (and those single guys who put a profile up as a single girl just so that someone will talk to them!!) (I am not implying that this site is for couples only - just not for cheaters, fakes and frauds!! But who am I to judge?! )
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RHP User
18 years ago
Oralman, If you had asked your wife to do swinging, she may have gone out of your life well before. You are better to be single when doing this Shagwell_bi_name, You mentioned "What is the point in being married if you are no longer enjoying each other's company ". I guess this was posted by the husband(you dont like single men, but ready to have a single woman), doesnt matter him/her, the point is have you asked the same question to yourself?. If you enjoy each others company then why you invite Woman,Couple into your life?
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RHP User
18 years ago
ladies please, I will take the broadside but as I go down in my sinking ship I do have a final comment to you both, Shagwell, you demonised the guys on this site yet your spray did not include any comments about the married women on this site who openly want "discreet" encounters with guys. One might ask who are they cheating on, do their spouses know and do you condone their behaviour because they are ladies. I do not care what the couples do or why they are here and what makes them want to invite strangers into their homes for some horizontal fun but everybody to their own. However some of those profiles are suspicous as well. Rosepetal - I will just say it was her doing the swinging long before I found out. Maybe I was annoyed that I was not included but such is life and we have both moved on.
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RHP User
18 years ago
it doesn't matter who cheats on who in the end it is still wrong..........only reason this pointed at a man is for the simple fact is that no_moredeceit is talking her husband not her wife........we all knows it goes both ways be it male or female that cheat they all scum!!!!! TIT xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
My wife and I really do enjoy each others company (most of the time!!lol) but we do actually like to meet and talk to other people!! We only ever swing together, and it is an experience (believe it or not) that actually brings us closer together sexually. Why do other couples who love each other, and want to be with each other, swing? The statement in your profile 'if you are older, I guess you have a relationship problem' indicates that you do not understand this and have never been in this kind of relationship. Bad assumption to make about the single guy thing being my influence. That is what she wants, not I. Oralman - I haven't come across any single female sites that say they want a 'discreet' relationship, (admittedly, we haven't looked too closely) but I stand by my last statement - this site is for swingers and singles, not for cheaters, fakes and frauds - regardless of gender. I didn't mean to 'demonise' the single guys on this site, and I am sorry if I offended anyone. There are heaps of single guys on here that are cool, genuine and good fun to hang out with. I DID mean to demonise the cheaters, fakes and frauds, however!!
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RHP User
18 years ago
Honesty Openness Trust
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RHP User
18 years ago
Big hugs no more deciet..! and one word.. TRUST!! Its always a matter of trust.. And it seems he's broken it.. U however probably wont get past it.. With him especially. Sex is Great.. But it isnt the Foundation of a relationship... Foundations! Well strong ones to say the least are built on TRust. Friendship.. and LOYALTY to the partner that your comitted to. Married or not! Suggest.. Let Him go.. But a heart has strong strings.. SO keep in mind all the feelings u feel , Porcess them and make the right decision.. Leaving an abusive relationship is always hard.. And this is but one form of abuse! YOu simply have two choices.. Stay.. or GO! and yeah they are not so simple, are they.. all that time youve had seems to go to waste.. (seems like it already did.. just u missed it!) Better luck with the next choice now you finally have one.. And yeah agrees with what spart said.. hes a wise old little soul that one! (hugs spart) Take care girl! n Chin up!
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RHP User
18 years ago
Why could you even want to touch your hubbys dick after its been in a guys mouth and who knows where else the dirty poof has been...
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RHP User
18 years ago
geeze that was eloquently put devilish.... Hi no_more deceit, Ive just read all these messages and think you have been given a lot of sound advice. Just remember one thing babe, you are asking a very niche segment of the population. People on a swingers site and those indulging in the lifestyle are bound to have a very different slant on the situation than those who are perhaps not so sexually liberal. I personally think that chatrooms can be cheating, I myself have formed such strong bonds with a few people on here. I have had intense cybersex and formed a few relationships in the past on here that I would argue are far far more indepth than some of my "3 dimensional relationships" have been. A few years ago I was travelling overseas and met a man on here with whom I fell deeply in love with, as did he. We had never met in the flesh. I also feel porn in a relationship can be hugely damaging. Someone here argued that it is somehow our fault for being too insecure to be able to deal with watching it. I would argue that deriving sexual pleasure from someone else is cheating. To feel that your man is all horny from some other girl on TV and then using you as the hole to release those frustrations on while he probably imagines the images he has just or is still watching- yuk- no thanks- not for me. Some may say I am old fashioned or prudish but I assure you this is not the case, I merely feel I know what true love is and what it feels like to be each others world. So this brings me to the point of your dilemma. I cant see how trying to adopt this lifestyle with him will help. I cant condone cheating even with your partners consent. I would question whether or not your man has gay or bi tendencies. I tend to feel its more a case of "the best of a bad situation"- He probably somehow justified in his head that being with a man wasnt cheating and somehow that made it ok. Can you ever see him in the same light again? Only you know that. I think you really need to have a big discussion with him. Find out his motives and intentions. One thing thats important though- don't let it change you. If you find yourself becoming bitter, paranoid, blaming yourself or harbouring so much anger that it changes your core, then get out. Im sorry to say it but if this is the case then too much damage has been done. I wish you all the luck in the world. I think your decision not to tell your kids was a very wise one. They would never forgive him for hurting their mum. One thing I remember whenever Im feeling sad or lonely which always helps me is this simple truth. Whatever happens you will be OK. YOu have yourself and thats all you need. You are your own best friend. You do have a constant companion in this journey called life. Shes sitting right there with you. Be kind to yourself. Good luck Goldy xxx
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RHP User
18 years ago
This was a thread about cheating in a relationship, not a question about sexual preference. How about opening your mind and not being so judgemental and narrow minded and seriously, name calling at your age. Actually its called vilification and last time I checked it was against the anti-discrimination laws of this country. Grow up! Wild
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RHP User
18 years ago
there is no need for that kind of racist SLUR each to there own!!!!!!.who cares what sexual preference you prefer........ TIT
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RHP User
18 years ago
i think the link between sex and love is "thin" to say the least. i've had great sex with ppl i've been bearly freinds with and sex you could best describe as "nice" with women i have loved till i thought i would explode. seperate the sexual and love sides of your relationship. i think it makes things easier.. and don't for a minute think your husbands behaviour is a reflection on you.. it is a reflection on his sexuality. some libidos are happy with a single partner many are not.. just accept this.. love is ONLY about giving and not expecting anything back. remember this. if you find your love is bigger than your dented pride, give him a big hug. LRE
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RHP User
18 years ago
dented pride? he didnt tell her her bum looked big in her dress he fucked another person. In my opinion this is a bit bigger than dented pride!
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