F41
He/she’s just not that into you...
February 04 2019
Comments
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RHP User
7 years ago
The best way to remove yourself from any expectation to fuck is to remove the suggestion that the meet is about anything more than having a coffee and a chat....
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RHP User
7 years ago
Easy solution. As you’re planning the meet. Even at your house or his with the view of pure sex, both agree that when you meet, if the chemistry isn’t there for either person, both people can just say so. it’s not to be taken personal, as some people just don’t hit it off in real life. And agree that if either feel like that, they can speak up, and agree if that does happen, no one will get upset. Just wish each other all the best and farewell. But make sure within yourself, you’re ok with a man you really like coming to your place, meetings you, and then saying it’s not a fit for him and leaving. You must be ok with that, and vice versa.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Never ever have I met up with anyone with any expectation that any "play" is going to happen. If the other person is feeling pressure, they're putting it on themselves, if I ever sense that is happening, I'll happily re-affirm that it's quite fine if this is only ever just coffee. Given the reliability of some on here, damn I'm happy you just showed up...lol... I usually try and set the scene before meeting though by re-assuring that if at anytime they feel its not happening, then it's more than okay for them to say that, and it just be that and life goes on. I want them to be into me because they're into me, not from any pressure. "In any of the above situations or others, how do you politely remove yourself from the expectation that you are meeting to fuck? But changed your mind? How do you reject someone to their face without hurting them? Without" You just tell them. Something like, I'm sorry "this isn't really working for me", or "thanks for the coffee but this is as far as this road goes". If the expectation was set beforehand that this was only ever coffee, then there isn't anything to really get hurt over. If they're super into you, then sure they might be disappointed, and if they're really sensitive or the first date you gave them in x years, then maybe they will be hurt, but you're not responsible for that. You took just as much of a chance as they did - they might be the one turning you down too, so it's all fair. If you really feel hard about it, just say you'll be in touch later and text them that you're wanting to pursue this any further. Personally I prefer being told to my face, but without a doubt, I just want to be told clearly it's over. Ghosting, silence, when they say "I'll be in touch" or half hearted "maybe's" when it's not going to happen is crap - it leaves the sensitive hopefuls in hope - but I'm a little off topic here since it was just "coffee" in the first place. ✔️His/her photos turn you on ✔️His/her kinks turn you on ✔️His/her texts turn you on ✖️ then no physical attraction or chemistry in person. I've been in sexy situations and not physically feeling in that moment. I know my feelings can very much be affected by sleep, what I've experienced that day, other surrounding factors and things on my mind leading up to meeting that have an effect on how much I can feel. I have to ask myself, if I was turned by all of the above previously then why not now? Sometimes I realise it's actually just situational and because of me, and not them, if I can recognise it can continue. Of course I'm excluding the obvious, that if all of the above happens, and when you meet them, they're scary or something that revealed more of them than what you could previously know beforehand that is off putting, then sure, it's not me, its them. So tell me, do women need a ‘connection’ to be able to fuck? Are men happy to fuck whatever comes their way? Are women more fussier than men or are men fussier than woman when choosing sexual partners? I don't think the above are gender specific - I think you'll find it up to the individual, there maybe trends more for one gender than the other, but you'll probably find both sexes on each side of the fence for each question. Also with the first one, I think everyone needs a 'connection' - it's just what some define as a connection for some, won't be the same for each person.
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RHP User
7 years ago
typo... didn't proof read this... Should have said - "text them later that you're NOT wanting to pursue this any further"...
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RHP User
7 years ago
My suggestion Situations can teach us lessons. I think you have an opportunity here to learn and grow. Don't waste it. Take the same sexual confidence you have and flip the script. Learn how to become assertive and confident as you meet people for the first time so you can let them go or let them down easy.
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RHP User
7 years ago
I'm upfront in conversation and messages and say that I'm happy to meet socially (in public) first, and I don't ever agree to sex upfront. Despite all that, I've met guys and 5mins into having a brief chat over drink or coffee, they're asking if they're going home with me or am I going to their place 🙄 When I've felt no 'spark' or interest, I have been polite, I have ghosted when someone got too persistent, and I've been downright blunt and rude on one occasion (because he was arrogant and spoke over me and practically tried to drag me out of a cafe).
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RHP User
7 years ago
A long time ago (as a single profile) I used to believe that there was an expectation to fuck if we met - that I didn’t have an option to go thanks but no thanks we don’t have a face to face connection/chemistry/attraction. I have since learnt that meeting isn’t automatic assumption that sex will take place. That either party has the right to go thanks but no thanks. Sex is consensual and mutual, and the best sex comes from all parties being hot horny participants (exponential) times over.
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
Would be a good indication if they are into you or not. How one responds is another indication. Ms Foxy
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MsSuperFoxy
7 years ago
But your way of thinking this is a hook up site, might give others a wrong impression/attitude, OP. A lot of men think that, so if you are giving that vibe, they will pick up on that. It's kinda feeding them. Ms Foxy
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RHP User
7 years ago
I've made the mistake of going to someone's house on two different occasions and gone through with it but that was because I was super horny and we seemed to have a connection whilst messaging. Never again. I meet first now. My motto is don't go shopping when you are hungry
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On_Safari
7 years ago
I stopped meeting people for coffee OP due to the expectation of sex from those guys. And it’s not always easy to let someone down without them taking it personally-followed by the what’s wrong with me messages that deteriorate to name calling and then BLOCK! I’ve only just reopened my profile after a long absence from site. I met one man 2wks ago purely for sex. We both agreed prior to this that st any stage if either of us wasn’t attracted we just said so and there’s be no hard feelings (😂 literally) and I must say he was lovely, 12yrs my junior, gave me what I wanted and politely said at the end “I won’t hang around and make this awkward for us, just show me the bathroom and I’ll tidy up and go.” Honestly that’s been the most dress free transaction I’ve had here in 9yrs! If you don’t find any common ground fetish wise I believe most kinksters (since it’s their fetish/play interests that are paramount) have enough respect for themselves and others that they would gracefully agree and then you could possibly have another drink discussing the Lifestyle. I personally enjoy the kink crew because it’s the “play” that drives them not necessarily the “sex” that may/may not follow. Some swingers it’s just about fucking without connection and some I’d say without attraction as it’s just sex....some of those discussions I still don’t get - I need to be attracted to or at the least like what’s driving the appendage ~ but that’s just my opinion. For some I think it’s a numbers game at a party to see how many holes they can fill or they headhunt certain attendees so they can “tick that one off the list”. As others have noted - just set your expectations out clearly and fairly for all - a polite out is good and so long as they know coffee isn’t code for something other than a drink and an opportunity to meet another human being off site, in a safe, non-confrontational, Social getting to know you situation than all’s good. There’d probably be fewer people here whinging about not meeting others if the “sex site” mentality was set aside - I have a lot of friends here who’ve met and made lifelong friends/partners here on RHP and it wasn’t because the first message was a “Hi, wanna fuck?” one ~ much ❤️ Indy OS
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countrytouch82
7 years ago
We live in a world where almost anything else we could want, material speaking, is accessible at short notice or immediately. This contrasts though with finding a connection with another person, which can take weeks, months or years of effort. When someone has finally reached the coffee meet stage with someone else, many will feel disappointed if not frustrated and angry, when nothing eventuates even though all messages and texts and perhaps phone calls have sounded extremely promising. As others have said meeting without expectations is the ultimate goal. It is a fine line to walk though. Having your hopes up and being quite enthusiastic when meeting someone new leads to a greater disappointment at a rejection. To protect yourself you can meet without any hope in your mind however this can come across as disinterest or lack of enthusiasm, not helping chemistry build. Because there is no guarantee of a physical spark some people just decide to meet sooner rather than later. Personally I have tried to see the initial face-to-face meeting as an end goal in itself. To have a lovely chat with someone of a similar mindset and from a similar community. I am flattered if I am invited to such a date even platonic, if we end up naked together at some point then I am well and truly over the moon!
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On_Safari
7 years ago
**face palm** type-o’s I see type-o’s everywhere 🙄
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RHP User
7 years ago
I have Meet first on my profile. As in, meet in a social setting to establish if there is a connection. Id never be too time poor to make sure I actually liked someone enough to have sex with them. I dont see RHP as a hook up site. Ive had some amazing fwbs from here and I like how that works for me.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Yeah, I agree. I think both people need to trust the situation. I haven't yet found anybody that seemed exactly right, and that had NOTHING to do with looks or body. Just the whole set up needs to be right and comfortable for both. Also, surely if you're picking up that the other person isn't fully happy or comfortable that that would be a turn off? I find it to be.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Quoting 'The_Antichrist' The best way to remove yourself from any expectation to fuck is to remove the suggestion that the meet is about anything more than having a coffee and a chat.... Or if they were nice enough then I'd do my best to explain nicely and probably fail. My experience is that if the first three points you mentioned are ticks then that's a pretty good predictor of chemistry and if there's no chemistry then the feeling is mutual so not much needs to be said. Kudos for your use of tick and cross symbols in your post, nice touch.
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RHP User
7 years ago
It constantly amazes me in here how people drive an agenda that believes sex without even having spoken to someone on the phone..... let alone meeting first to see if you actually like each other .... is a good idea or good use of precious time It’s just a really strange thought process that says the other person is merely a place to dump some random DNA and not a living breathing human being And that itself, suggests a sociopathic mindset.......and highly likely a very ordinary experience which I want no part of
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RHP User
7 years ago
How many texts ,even phone calls there are it is ONLY when you actually EEG someone that you know if there is any chemistry there.and that is usually in the first ten minutes. As others have said,just meet for a drink or coffee ..if you meet at your house or their house there is an expectation that it is a done deal..Unfortunately I speak from experience . Hugs Q
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RHP User
7 years ago
I prefer too meet and greet first. Photos and texting even calls can be misleading. I never put pressure on for sex. I am happy to wait and sometimes way better too wait.
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MsJonesy
7 years ago
There is much in your forum topic which makes me think you are wanting cake, but only if you can reject the first 2 or 3 you choose, because the icing looks a bit weird, and its not on the nice plate you wanted. If you consider this is a hookup site (and many of us Do Not consider it as such), that is how you present yourself to those you chat to. That creates a specific mindset, in you and the person you are hooking with. If you are that horny that everything is just a hook up, having a connection doesn't matter does it? You are just there to fuck right? So a connection doesn't matter, you are physically attracted (to their current and present self, not 10year old pics) and like their kinks, just go fuck right?! If that is wrong, then change your approach. Change your mindset, change the way you use and interact with people. YOU have set the agenda that you are both meeting to fuck....by viewing every meet as a potential hookup. YOU have control over the situation; if you are that time poor, that is your issue not theirs. So make a decision to change the way you present yourself (profile, messages, expectations), to get better results. I know this post is fairly blunt but I haven't written it this way to upset you. I just want you to understand that what is happening is entirely due to how you have presented yourself to others....but you have every right to change how you present yourself. It is also your right to gracefully say “thank you, but no”, but bloody difficult to do if you are in their living room....or they are in yours. And if connection (or chemistry..same thing to me) with the person is important, stop with the hook up mentality, because that is not what is important to you at all.....connection/chemistry is. So take the time to find it...which means approaching with a meet first, play later mentality.
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EarthQueen
7 years ago
Good topic You can never tell till you meet someone, no matter how hot the messages/phone calls are . So I don’t set myself up for a difficult situations. I don’t meet at home ever anymore. It creates expectation. If a guy can’t meet me in public place just to see if there’s an attraction and for me to see what his vibe is, it’s not going to happen. That’s pretty basic. Guys who won’t do that in my experience fall into the “Will fuck anyone” category. If I’m not feeling it I just say sorry I’m not feeling a spark. Yes it can be disappointing but what’s the alternative? It’s best to establish early on that sex isn’t a given but lines can get blurred if you are sexting etc. Depending on the guy I’ll leave quickly, but other times I’ve talked for hours just because he was interesting and we got on, even if there wasn’t sexual attraction. If you are just down to fuck, so to speak, have you thought about going to parties etc. Probably be easier then to judge quickly who you aren’t or are into?
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RHP User
7 years ago
I think managing your time and expectations/hopes is the main issue here. There are a lot of people on this site all looking for different things and with differing personal attractions. How then do we best filter through to find people with matching criteria and a mutual attraction? It’s easy to say “just be upfront“ but I find this can’t be relied upon in real life. The reality seems to be that lots of people prefer to avoid conflict. You may be upfront but others may not. How then will you decide to manage giving (or receiving) rejection? It’s hard telling someone you don’t feel any chemistry, connection or attraction toward them. I also get how intimidating it might be for women to tell men “sorry but no” when they are face to face. As long as you are clear about your expectations and hopes I see two different approaches: You can take things slowly ie exchange photos, message back and forth, agree to chat on the phone, agree to meet for a coffee and then decide what you both want to happen from there Or You can meet straight away for the drink and chat Both approaches will get you to the same place, the only difference is the time and energy you have invested. I personally have done both and found that “the slow burn” with someone I’ve had great online or phone chemistry with doesn’t necessarily mean a real life meeting will then be an automatic success. So much is decided within seconds of meeting face to face. I think it is more disappointing when you have both invested lots of time and emotional energy into something you have hoped will be great but in reality turns out to be a fizzer. Now I mostly meet in people earlier on and with the understanding and agreement that nothing will happen. At least then if there is no chemistry, both people can walk away with minimal disappointment. I have found this approach works well. I have experienced lots of walk aways and also some memorable breakfasts to follow
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RHP User
7 years ago
Yeah but it is fun to fuck on the first meet 😉 it was very hot.
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wildcrazyloving
6 years ago
I tend to prefer to arrange a meeting quickly upon engaging with an online contact.. This reduces my expectations. Have previously felt unsafe communicating my feelings regarding lack of conection, so first meets are only reserved for chit chat in public areas, with a follow up message that confirms interest, or thoughtfully declines. Have noticed, that people do grow on me. I have met a few people whom i may have intially declined, yet after some consideration i decide otherwise and they have turned out to be long term lovers.
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Mask_007
6 years ago
Thank you op. Is a very good subject. I do agree with you, is hard sometimes to find that very fine line in between saying no with out hurting someone and just being honest. I do agree as well with your mention about the existing pressures. Does not mettar how clear do you make "is just a drink together " the big majority ask, if we are bedding in my place or hers. I like to ask questions in stead og guessing and getting all wrong. Does not always work as well. Honestly lately I just take as it goes, and say up front you lied, about your pictures. I just will say thank you but not thanks.
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SSExplorer
6 years ago
We look at it like dating. We are meeting for a date, to get to know them and with some hope and anticipation that it might go further if there’s a spark. Not much different than dating when single.
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SSExplorer
6 years ago
Also maybe interesting to note. We have tried a few profile styles and found the following: 1/ putting our best sexy photos forward just seems to attract too much unwanted attention from single men. 2/ putting our best photos also attracts many gorgeous couples but we obviously are not in their league as it never goes anywhere 3/ we have met a few genuine lovely people by keeping the photos quite bland 4/ we have had most success in meeting and playing utilising other avenues than this site. I think it’s too much of a candy shop here, so many to choose from that we all get lost in the browsing and forget to taste the candy!
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aaenjoy
6 years ago
It seems to have happened to us all, as much as we are upfront, honest and good for friendly conversation; they still happen. Mostly it seems to be the expectation of single men on these sorts of sites. If it is an asian lady, they seem to turn into pigs and get all aggressive about what they will do to the ‘asian pussy’. We do not meet any single men, and avoid places where single men are invited. So many of this problem starts before the meet as it is the individuals poor attitude and understanding of why people enjoy sharing sex. As for the meet, well, we have thanked people for their time, when the person and pictures don’t seem to remotely match! We are polite, thank them for their time, but sadly it needs a block later as someone said earlier in this discussion piece, why did you not play. In short as we have the choice, we like them are under no obligation. Expectation is the word here. People need to adjust their expectations. Single men, don’t bother calling anyone at all, if someone wants you, they will call, plenty to chose from.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Do anything you want whenever you want to......fuckathon or marathon, ...own it ...
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RHP User
6 years ago
I'm with MsJonesy. If you want a date go on a date. Chemistry/connection is lovely, but unless you are after polyamour why waste your or the other's time. I'm all for screening, but if people are nice, clean and you get along, why not see how things go. Some people are sexier in the bedroom!
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RHP User
6 years ago
A very relatable question! I also find it strange that people would use old photos etc and have come across this on a few accasions 🤷♂️ this misleading is prevalent in internet socializing sadly and I understand especially as a single male people may feel they need to mislead in order to get attention initially but then what?? As you said we are all attracted to something and everyones preferences are different be honest and your chances of finding that magical experience your looking for are much greater even if you get barely any attention, honesty is key! I agree this is somewhat a hook up site and the majority just want a fuck. I like to think of it more as a community of people who are open about there sexuality and want to experience this to the fullest, I feel that I've learnt a lot about not only the world we live in and the community around us but myself aswell, I've met people with intentions of fucking etc and have not done so but conected in other ways. Truth is you never really know if there's any conection until you meet and for some reason we feel that its ok to reject other's over the net but struggle with it face to face, it comes back to being honest, with other and yourself. Im guilty along with others I'm sure... of going fuck it I'm hear now may as well but the best experiences start with a conection, if your comfortable with someone/people and get along well and have a great time togather the attraction is greater trust is higher and experiences much more memorable 😊
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RHP User
6 years ago
I think numbers here determine that men get more desperate in their search for women and can at times be tempted to lower their standards and there are always those that will go for anything or anyone. I think women can be way more fussy and picky because of the sheer number of men. I don't think any particular sex is more fussy than the other we are shaped and influenced by different factors but I think men settle far more quickly and easily and jump at the offer of sex more readily than a woman, generally speaking
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RHP User
6 years ago
To me, the expectation to 'fuck on the first meet' is simply ridiculous. Those of you have been married or been in a longish relationship will know there are plenty of times when sex isn't 'on the menu' for whatever reason so why would one expect a complete stranger to jump in the sack with you after a 10 minute chat!!!
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RHP User
6 years ago
I can normally tell from the initial messages whether I am attracted to someone on here, because there has to be a mental connection first. If the conversation isn't intelligent and flowing freely, then I know the physical side won't flow either. I have some deal-breaker questions that I try to slip into the text conversation to see if we might be compatible physically.There has to be a bit of sparky banter and flirting, and the messages have to get past the leery stage and all serial killer google searches complete. I need to have got to a level of familiarity and trust where I am happy to give my real name and phone number so that the person I am meeting can give my details to their Safe Call.The messages have to have got to a stage of comfort where we can discuss what happens if the physical spark is not there, which takes the pressure off if one of us doesn't want to progress.I only meet in public places, and usually lunch or early evening so there is no expectation of going on somewhere, and so there is a time limit to the first meeting. I would rather leave a short meeting wanting more, than be stuck in a long meeting praying for it to end. 'No, I don't want dessert. Maybe the bill?' If the spark is there then the second meeting will be easily arranged. If neither of us suggests a second meeting, then it is easy to part amicably. On those rare occasions where the
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