F72
Loneliness..Even though we have connections via social media
March 01 2017
Comments
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GM4funxxx
9 years ago
I have and intend to make more of an effort this year to catch up with friends who I have dropped off the radar these last few years. Primarily because I was too busy looking at my own little world and that's going to change. Back on topic I didn't see the loneliness creeping in. Too busy too tired etc. When you do notice it there is a small bit of despair also. I'm lucky being able to do some thing about it, others don't have the avenues or friends for that mater to help you through. I think everyone embraces solitude in some form or another but it's a slippery slope if it consumes you. Thanks for reading this far ☺ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I could do my course online but find being an internal student has given me the opportunity to engage with other of all ages. I think the key is to keep yourself busy and look for opportunities to get out and about.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I live in a beautiful place in Australia if not the world and have pretty much everything I want and I am married, happily. But I miss a good friend that moved on and the fun we had together. I often spend many days in a row on my own and really miss fun company. Everyone seems to have their own life to live and spending time with other people can often be hard to fit into each others schedule. Having so many things I want to do and explore but needing a mate to do them with wether that be male or female is often hard to fit into our busy life styles.What to do? I am on RHP for that reason.
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RHP User
9 years ago
(Huffington Post I think it was) that 60 percent of people polled out of 5000, said that they had no real friends that they could call on if they were in any sort of trouble and even though they embraced social media and "knew" many people, they never felt so alone. I have never been so alone as what I am currently experiencing. I had three very close friends, but due to relocation and death, we are now separated by circumstances. However I am big on keeping in contact with people. I am excellent at writing emails to my not as close mates and sending cards etc . I find this is one of my strengths. I have a excellent head for remembering birthdays But I have no living family and that is very difficult. I have been ill and as a result, it would be fair to say that I have become more introverted and have lost my confidence, not helped by the fact that I haven't worked fulltime for nearly 3 years although I have gone back to work this year part time and that has certainly helped in easing my loneliness. My work colleagues have been terrific. I have no partner or FWB etc and have resigned myself to the fact that I probably wont now. Due to treatment I did put on a lot of weight but recently I have also lost a great deal and my new weight loss is comforting but basically I'm still very shy and introverted which I think is my personality anyway . I did believe once I lost weight, things would improve socially but I now think that is a myth. I've been contacted by guys from here, many offering support or writing of their own personal experience with illnesses, which has been lovely, and they have been respectful but none have been prepared to meet, just chat. I'm used to being alone now cause its been about 4 years since my personal life altered unexpectantly . I embrace my solitude but I do at times hate it, Sunday is the worse day. So all of the above issues have contributed to my loneliness, but in all fairness I too have probably not made as big an effort as I could have but overcoming shyness and lack of confidence, and body issues well its bloody hard. Its confronting getting out of your comfort zone I don't think I necessarily have any obvious strategies in place. I just keep busy. I workout every day, I read, I play guitar and piano and do a lot of writing. I've re enrolled in Uni, although online to keep the brain active. I go to events that interest me, I push myself to go out at times, but once I get there I'm always glad I went. I do chat to people at the gym, or at the shops or next to me at the theatre and I always find they chat back, so I am conscious of the fact that I'm not alone in my loneliness. For someone who is shy I'm quite the chatterer. I think loneliness is our greatest social issue. I have no advice to give one experiencing loneliness, I've just learned to accept it and be grateful for what I do have. I wish I knew the answer but I don't. However I must admit I do this. I have recently started busking in the city at the weekend, at the suggestion of a person I knew. Not for funds but to chat with people and to help me with my shyness and confidence and I must admit, it has helped me open up, but I still have lunch alone. I guess for some people this is just the way it is.
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RHP User
9 years ago
summed it up beautifully. I was desperately lonely when I was married. I get lonely now occasionally, if I'm to be honest, but not like that. That just sucks balls living in the same house as someone, but you may as well be on a different planet. I had to learn to be happy in my own company. I always felt like I needed another person, and it's the best thing I ever did. I appreciate small things and take the time to do things I used to complain I never had time to do. Wasn't that I didn't have time, I just didn't make time to enjoy those small pleasures. One thing is for sure though, I don't sit back anymore and wait for life to come to me. As a sidenote, I think these kinds of topics are fine for people to analyse themselves, but not to be trying to analyse someone else, not unless the advice is asked for, not your topic Q, I don't mean that, just find it patroniding when people tell you you need friends or to go out more, or to join sporting club lol how the fuckin hell would they know what I need. They don't know me, even people who do know me wouldn't bother trying to give me advice 😀😉 they know "I do it myyyyyyyuy way!" 💃
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RHP User
9 years ago
Some times I feel alone tho. When I do ill ring an fb for some pampering. Life is just to busy these days.. Advice id give..... read up on Bhudism - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I can say that I have had to learn my own ways of overcoming loneliness. Of course not all of them work. Recently I have found many new friends on rhp mainly, and although I do have local family, my regular (growing up, living with etc) friends are interstate. Essentially all family are partnered and have been for years, and on my generation, all now with their own children. A very quick enquiry will tell me if people are working or busy for the weekend or other days off, at which point if I am free, I am often left with my own company, and that of my wonderful dog :) Over the long term, the times I have felt most alone have been during deaths in the family. Yes, other family is there to support you (although my priority was to support others), but I saw that basically every other member of the family at such times also had a loving partner for support; not just the shoulder to cry on, but someone to share their deepest concerns and emotions. So I tended to minimise the mourning process as much as possible, but doing this I have found that those events still sometimes affect me greatly. The other times in the past have been after various setbacks in dating, which alone are not so much an issue, but sometimes they are the straw that breaks the camel's back, when other stresses have been accumulating. Setbacks and stresses have led to depression, and at again other times when I have felt I am doing well, background emotional variability has led to (to coin a term) NARC symptoms (No Apparent Reason Crying). They say you are supposed to be complete as a single individual. I guess I am still coming to terms with how to do this effectively. At least they say you have to be in order to support someone else in the long term (or have them be interested). All I know is I was most happy during a (brief) relationship. However now having had FWBs has helped me a lot with my general stability, and enjoying basic ongoing companionship or more. While I enjoy my own time, with my own interests, I'd rather be around open, non-judgemental and supportive people for general socialising. I'd rather less friends but who are quite special than lots of mates to hang out with more superficially. I have found myself intolerant of intolerance (so to speak), which limits the people I decide to be friends with. So perhaps I could call myself the reluctant introvert. But I am under no illusions that many other people have a life that is a lot tougher than mine. All things considered, I'm currently doing quite well. The odd few tears here and there are part of life; and you appreciate the good times more.
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RHP User
9 years ago
If we enter those key words in search engines, you'd see that it is a very hot and current topic with lots of articles available. Is this true for you? - 10 years ago, I came to Australia alone. It would be hardly surprising that loneliness is part of the bargain. What are some of the strategies that you have put in place to overcome loneliness? - I meet friends regularly and stay in touch via Whatsapp. I join interest groups. I make friends with colleagues. I immerse myself in my numerous hobbies. I meet lots of people every workday so often, I'm happy to be alone after work. Do you embrace solitude or do you hate spending time alone? - I embrace it! If I don't have my alone time, I become super cranky. I rarely dread solitude. What are some of the factors that contributed to your feeling lonely? - I'm single with no family in a foreign land. Most of my friends are married / attached so it's hard to get hold of them. I stay away from people if I've had a rough week at work and need to destress and recharge. Most of the time, it's a deliberate and mindful self-imposed solitude. What advice would you give to someone experiencing loneliness? - Reach out to your friends / neighbours / colleagues / interest group members.
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RHP User
9 years ago
"I'd rather less friends but who are quite special than lots of mates to hang out with more superficially" Yes, that right there 👍
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Seachange73
9 years ago
I'm sorry to hear the pain you are feeling at this point. I'm not sure what to say but I'm sending you some hugs across the ether. It is not easy to overcome shyness. I.have to grow out of my shyness via endless activities after school. I was enrolled in pretty much everything imaginable like pottery, ballet, basketball, etc so as to improve my social skills. I suppose after a while I came out of my shell and made good friends that I am.still in touch after 20 years. Friends are great and losing great friends you can really trust can be devastating to some if not most. I just wish you have a better support system around you. please seek help if you feel overwhelmed. Post here on the forums to vent or share your thoughts, as a release valve. Sometimes you can get scathing comments from people who make silly assumptions about you. Not worth stressing out as it is more about their mental issues than you. Don't be discouraged. However, more likely than not, you will get plenty of good people who are ready to accept you for who you are. Go to meet and greets in your city if you can. Chat with Rhp people. Most are really relaxed and accepting. I have made really good friends from this site that I can say I truly trust. One started really rough but I can say she is a friend I.can trust. My best wishes.
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Seachange73
9 years ago
Nice topic Q. I can relate with Pp. At times, I immerse myself in my work and other activities so I don't feel like dwelling in loneliness or just having a rough dsy or week. At times, I need time off from people and happy to do my own thing - reading a good book while sipping a glass of red and listening to Nina Simone crooning in the background. I go to the library to read or browse books and magazines, Or I'd hit the gym and work myself til I'm exhausted via workouts or boxing training . Or paint. I love to paint. It's cathartic. Or catch up with an fwb or friends for a drink down the beach or the local. Or go to any events happening in any city or town I'm in. I'm shit at keeping in touch with friends and terrible St remembering birthdays. But I always make it up to them somehow. Anything really productive to refocus my mind of it and not let it get me down. I like to list things down that I'd like to do, like a mini bucket list and try to tick them off when I find gaps between work and looking after my kids. My dad always did say that 'an idle mind is the devil's playground.' so I keep busy.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Being a single mum for the last 3 and a half years, has been the loneliest time of my life. On the really bad days, it was almost as if the loneliness was a physical pain. And it sux. While I have made lots of "friends" in the scene, I wouldn't call on any of them for help if I needed it. Partly because I don't want to burden others, and partly because I don't want them to take time away from their own family in order to help me out. Work helps me beat the loneliness. I find that chatting to patients and my colleagues is great, it gives me interaction with other adults and adult conversations. I also find going to a swingers club is helpful. Better than staying home alone on a Friday or Saturday night! 😜 I always go by myself, and mainly go there for the social side (anything extra that may happen is a bonus). - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' "I'd rather less friends but who are quite special than lots of mates to hang out with more superficially" Yes, that right there 👍 Yep...agree with that, too. The way I prefer my life. I haven't felt lonely since the last woman I loved told me she wanted to end our relationship...because the love had gone.That was several years ago...but with the exception of when I love someone, I prefer my own company. Mostly.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I read you loud and clear! Almost 9 years ago my life was flying along with a great career, fantastic partner (who was ok with me seeing other men), close friends, and an active social life! Then out of the blue, I became ill and almost died, like 24 hours and I would have been dead! It took 2 years to recover physically, and I was able to start running again, but I was still dealing with the emotional fallout of losing my career, partner, rejection of family, and reduced social life! By late 2011 I was back up to speed running 5 days a week, walking the other days, was on the path back to work, and a social life, so decided to get back out there. While I wasn't looking for a partner, I did have a lot of fun with select men, some of whom became good friends. Then in 2013 I was struck again with bad luck, this time by an injury that has completely changed my life, to the point that I now live with chronic pain. As a result, I lost the ability to just jump in the car and go for a drive, and as I'd moved to a semi-rural location, I'd also lost my social life, and loneliness set in big time! 4 years later, and I'm still trying to come to terms with what my life has become. What makes it harder is that I know a "simple" operation will fix my problems, but nothing is simple when you don't have private health insurance ;) My weight has gone up and down for as long as I can remember, and then finally last year it was discovered that there is in fact 2 medical reasons behind the problems. This has meant that I'm able to accept it rather than blame myself, which let's face it we all do! The biggest hurdle I face now is getting people to understand that while my body may be bruised, it isn't broken, and that doesn't just refer to men haha And while there are moments when I might feel lonely, I know that all I need do is pick up the phone, and there will be someone there, friend or fwb. I've still got a way to go physically, but knowing that I can have sex again is such a relief!2.5 years is far too long a drought hehe
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
Quality over quantity. A few close friends that know my lifestyle and accept my 2 personalities. I'm a little lonely without someone special to share deep love with but I've been lucky enough in that department till recently. Now taking time for the old cliche "to find myself". And to love myself within my new life that l chose outside the standard comfort zone of judgemental family and friends who found me as Annie, a little too weird to accept?
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RHP User
9 years ago
Beautiful topic again Q I’m no longer fooled by the narrow definition of beauty offered by superficial media. Kindness is beautiful. Courage and confidence are beautiful. Creative expression is beautiful. The kind you can’t buy in an expensive glass jar. The kind the beauty industry won’t encourage us to focus on because it comes as free as the air we breathe. When I think of my mother I think of this other kind of beauty. It’s not just that her eyes shone. Some days it seemed as if every cell in her body was filled with light. The beauty of later life is like a lantern that burns in the depths of a person. In our fast-paced modern world few people notice this kind of beauty because, unlike the beauty of youth, it doesn’t advance boldly towards us. So, it’s not about being lonely, but about creating deep meaningful connections and not to be afraid to make them. You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. The older I get the more I listen. But to to have a meaningful relationship one needs to spend time and effort and to continuously care. I do prefer solitude, but I try to make it a daily practice to look for the beauty shining within just one person. I reach out to right people and I make it a daily practice to do one small thing that nourishes my spirit. (Ms)
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm the same, without someone to share deep love with, I think we all want our knight in shining armour or maiden in glittery stilettos, or knight in glittery stilettos 😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
Great post as I was thinking about this yesterday. Even though I have Woody and he is my best friend, I am incredibly lonely. I lost so many friends when my chronic diseases got in the way of going out. I have tried going to "social groups" for fibromyalgia and all they did was moan on and on! Couldnt wait to get away from them. Any suggestions? Pusscat xxx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Everyone for such thoughtful responses and for sharing what have often been some challenging times hugs Q
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RHP User
9 years ago
I blame the economists teaching us that we must act in our own self interest to be rational, all the little houses on the hillside divided and conquered. Co-operation is a sin.
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RHP User
9 years ago
@Kitty - that's so amazing that you busk! I don't think you give yourself enough credit - I hope that you will meet the guys that you connect with and continue to support each other and @CountryTouch - I know the feeling crying for no reason and @itouch I agree with your thinking there re: stale relationships. @Annie - keep your dream alive 💖 we love Annie 🌈 I guess realising early on in my life that I was introverted, but wanted to be the life of the parties, I ended up hosting parties my way and going out clubbing was my vice. I lived overseas and starting sleeping around in the second year of Toronto winter (4th year overseas). It was so depressing having nobody. I called my Aussie ex in London because he used to tell me about his loneliness. His feelings were so much deeper than I could comprehend, but he was patient to explain. Hot holidays and finding men for a moment of pleasure was the only way I could stop from over-thinking. When I came back to Australia, most friends had paired up and I felt like I was left behind and taken a different path. I needed new friends... also a new career. That's when I started a business in recreation that I had seen overseas. Being in business was extremely lonely. It was nowhere near what I wanted it to be. Nobody to help you because ultimately you have to make the decision to do the work, I had to look inside myself. It was like a baby, it was always on my mind... I would often spend a lot of time in solitude. I also didn't allow myself to date anyone or go online. I did find a bf through the business at the start but he left after 3 months for federal government and he was all I fantasised about until I didn't anymore. So this is how I had to rely on myself. Extra help was a bonus. I slowly drifted away from family and close friends... last year I realised how I was neglecting them, having to miss special occasions or even group dinner catchups. I've learnt to be one to chase what I want and say no to what I don't want, but still have times when I want something but don't want to ruin what I have now. I try to not close myself off to offers and opportunities, unless I'm overwhelmed. As I wrapped that up recently, I got an overwhelming response... I threw a final party. I don't usually hug people - guys for personal space but female hugs make me crumble and break inside (I guess it's from hugging my mother and holding her tight so she wouldn't push me away) . I never used to let people hug me because I had to be strong. I got flowers and chocolates but then a couple that helped and supported me tremendously gave me a photo book of the businesses history and I lost it at the party. "It's my party and I cry if I want to..." except I didn't want to. The hard work and rising the rollercoaster emotions was worth it in the end. I feel I've grown more in these 3 years. I learnt to go easy on myself and not worry about what others think of me. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF! I channelled my thoughts and energy to transcend the feelings of loneliness within me. I went to a funeral of a best friend of a good friend that was shunned by society, a very smart guy, just suffered a lot of bullying 😢 he was severely depressed. They used to visit me to escape loneliness and do something fun. Please connect with people... it's the cure to your loneliness... try and try again. There's bound to be someone who will understand you and be kind. It's the hardest thing and you won't do it until it gets so bad that you can't take it anymore or it sometimes can't be reversed. All this pain makes me want to study more about this type of behaviour and methods that don't require meds. Appreciate what you do have and build on that :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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compressor
9 years ago
well I must say I am happy to chat with any ladies on here and have chatted to a few ladies for some time now. sometimes all you need is someone to talk to
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Seachange73
9 years ago
Beautiful post. I love reading your contribution to.the forums. It us enlightening, thoughtful, kind and always positive. Always a great injection of hope in this sometimes negative and scathing forum posts. I am guilty of it sometimes and your posts make me reflect. Thank you. X
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RHP User
9 years ago
Loneliness seems to become a pandemic in my generation. It us that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach that drives me to do somethings, which in retrospect, perhaps should not have done. I hate dated/slept with and even married a man to avoid this emotion. For me, ut wasnt just about the isolation, there were feeling of shame, of wondering if I would ever fit it, belong...find my somebody. Then I realised, wherever I go, there I am. I have been single now many years and yes, I do miss having someone to travel with, someone ro share life experiences with and ultimately to love. I suppose I still do. Rather than be too busy, drink, get high or fuck - I sit in it. Discovering there is bliss in every emotion has taught me this. It is uncomfortable, it feels horrible. I grieve the idealistic dream I had for my life. I atill trying to live moment by moment, right here is this very second. Lonely comes from longing to be somewhere or with someone who isn't with me right now. I drag my ass straight back into the now. With a slap if a must..whatever it takes to pull myself into the present, where there is no pain, only live. All I got honey. Thank you for posting. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
You go there and I love you for it. x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
CountryTouch, Shells, I_touch To name a few, they. Your honesty and vulnerability creates the space for others to do the same. This topic hit a raw apot for me the two loneliest times in my life was while I was married to my first husband. Incompatible was an understatment - there was an ocean of misunderstanding between us and we could not come back from it. The second has been the, last 4 years, my guy killed himself. Even now I'm trying to find a way to shrug this off, make a joke, something to lessen the reality of such a sentence. I don't know why I do that. It's a conversation killer and certainly not something to mention on a date (I'll mention it hete...coz is so fucking private. Haha). I have only just come to accept it all in the last year and to no longer blame myself...grief is a lonely journey and now something in me feels...unreachable. I want to connect that way but I think I've forgotten how and that is lonely. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I was very touched after reading your post. I'm an introvert too, although all my colleagues at work insist otherwise. :P It's testimony to how good I am at being an extroverted introvert at work but as you and other fellow introverts can possibly guess, it's hard work and I do need a lot of quiet solitude / "down time" to balance it out. I applaud you for having done so well! You are a trooper!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Great topic Q. For me having my own space and self time is essential for my own self happiness. I do enjoy catching up with friends and family when possible but I'm just as happy within my own company. What's that saying ? If you can't make yourself happy then you won't make anyone else. As I've grown older I think I've become more selective with whom i spend my time with. The people who make an effort to get to know me without it being only about sex are the one's who i truly care about.They are the ones I share my thoughts & feelings with. So no never lonley even when by myself. 😀 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
...I'm aware that I've spent most of my life with few true friends or none. Having been a loner always, it's not the physical loneliness that has made me feel alone in the past, it's the emotional loneliness...after those rare few times that I've had feelings for another. Even the death of my father at 21, while it hurt me, didn't leave me feeling alone.
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RHP User
9 years ago
That is devastating,my heart goes out to you xxQ
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RHP User
9 years ago
Never imagined I could be so deepky affected by people in this forum. Your stories and expwriences cracked me wife open. Thank you. It was a long time ago, least it feels that way. Kitty, you blew my heart open. I'm coming home to Melbourne soon and would love to meet you. Flygirl your empathy knows no bounds and you are so emotionally brave. Shells, you are the kindest cheerleader, spreading a little of your magic everywhere. Pony, for your beautiful effort and honour, thank you. Cat Your posts are always so lovely. Qefenta - thank you for posting this. Your vulnerability is beautiful and your timing perfect. - Posted from rhpmobile
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MsSuperFoxy
9 years ago
DIDO! I get your post. You're not alone there. Ms Foxy x
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RHP User
9 years ago
@Q - what a wonderful topic that has brought out so much beauty in people... I feel so much love and love is not egotistic - the amount of support in this post has been phenomenal. @LaFemme 💖 - Please don't feel that you are to blame for someone else's actions EVER because they were never in your control in the first place. It was so unfair and your beautiful soul yearns to be free to shine. You will find someone that will see that as a diamond to treasure in you. You've locked away that little innocent girl that could love with all her might. But maybe in time she will peek out again. Believe in yourself. When you know the why, the how will come. It's not always a smooth path to recovery, but hopefully with time you will heal the wounds that he imposed on you. Forgiveness is the only way, quit the blame game. Cyber hugs 😜 xx @PurePeony - another fiery extroverted introvert! ;) love your spirit with good intentions! @Q and @Inspirit - I also believe some teachings of Buddhism to be aligned with my core values. I quietly pray when my world seems bleak and somehow my brain just works it out when I grieve. I believe in providence. I started a business not because of money, but because of a passion and to see how loud my voice would go and project, how long I could hold on, how resourceful I could be, how much I could rough it out for others to see that, how much my values would resonate with others, how much I have to give and how much I could accept from others, what I was willing to sacrifice, what I was blocking from my life, what I felt guilty of, how much I value myself, what my priorities were...before I lost my steam LOL It was my spiritual contribution. I'm not a natural leader, but the voice in my head kept telling me to do it 😜 I couldn't hold the inner voice anymore...now it's satisfied phew 😓 if my story helps others, I'm willing to put it on the line. If I die tomorrow (touch wood), at least it wasn't done in vain. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
LFF, sorry for your devastating and shocking loss. What you had to experience and endure is crushing beyond words. I hope you'll find resolution and peace within yourself soon. Q, how are you? Have you had the surgery yet? Remember, there's always the forums! FlyGirlC, maybe we are kindred spirits! ;) I've just "lost" three single friends I frequently hung out with - two got coupled up recently and one is undergoing mental health challenges and has pulled away from everyone and wants to be alone for now. I've got stuff to do, errands to run, tasks to work on, etc but it is different knowing that those friends are no longer conveniently available for meals, etc. I really need to get my driver's licence so I can travel to farflung places and embark on discovery drives alone. :) One more thing that perpetuates loneliness in our era - the I, Me and Myself mantra. Growing up, my peers and I had values knocked into us that you stand by your friends and support them even in bad times. These days, the spotlight is on the almighty self and if a friend is in trouble and is too much work, the self-help gurus all advice letting them be and taking care of the all-important self first. "What's in it for me?"; "Don't hang out with losers; surround yourself with successful people"; "Avoid toxic / negative people"; etc. When we think of friendships and relationships in terms of win-win, we are quantifying the benefits we can obtain from each other, but what happened to "I love you and stand by you just because...?" Frankly, we all go through bad times and awful situations now and then. Who undergoes a separation / divorce without feeling depressed? If you don't stick around to help a friend in dire need, they won't stick around for you either. Friendships have become so shallow, everyone deals with their shit alone and deep, enduring friendships where we watch each other's backs are pretty rare. This just eternalises the vicious cycle of loneliness. Social media doesn't help. Everyone's under pressure to put up their best shots - Look at me! I'm pretty / happy / on holiday / eating great food at *insert unpronounceable chef's name* restaurant / surrounded by beautiful things, etc etc. This creates an invisible yardstick for everyone to match or outdo each other. Grief / depression gets hidden and swept under the carpet. Lonely people need friends too but how often have you heard people saying, "He/She is so boring / not fun"? The hordes are chasing fun and entertaining personalities whilst building deep friendships are taking a back burner. Any surprise then, that Loneliness is pandemic in this era?
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RHP User
9 years ago
A colleague and I had a great discussion yesterday. She expressed her frustration at her bf for not opening up and sharing what's bothering him with her. I shared that I did notice that in general, I have found Caucasian Aussie men to be quite reluctant to discuss their emotions. Of course this extends to men of other ethnicities as well but it's a purely personal observation that of all the men I've befriended, Aussie guys are the ones who are most likely to keep their thoughts deeply locked inside, not sharing them. My colleague thinks it is the way Aussie blokes are brought up here and the fact that their fathers may be the stoic, strong silent types could be a factor too. The guys believe it's not "manly" to discuss feelings and worse, failures. So they keep everything inside. We both became quiet when she ended with, " That's why the suicide rate amongst men are so high - they bottle things up and don't talk about things nor seek help." And then it is too late and they get overwhelmed. :( What a dreadful predicament- to live life surrounded by people and yet, there's unspeakable loneliness and despair deep within.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'PurePeony' One more thing that perpetuates loneliness in our era - the I, Me and Myself mantra. Growing up, my peers and I had values knocked into us that you stand by your friends and support them even in bad times. These days, the spotlight is on the almighty self and if a friend is in trouble and is too much work, the self-help gurus all advice letting them be and taking care of the all-important self first. "What's in it for me?"; "Don't hang out with losers; surround yourself with successful people"; "Avoid toxic / negative people"; etc. When we think of friendships and relationships in terms of win-win, we are quantifying the benefits we can obtain from each other, but what happened to "I love you and stand by you just because...?" Frankly, we all go through bad times and awful situations now and then. Who undergoes a separation / divorce without feeling depressed? If you don't stick around to help a friend in dire need, they won't stick around for you either. Friendships have become so shallow, everyone deals with their shit alone and deep, enduring friendships where we watch each other's backs are pretty rare. This just eternalises the vicious cycle of loneliness. Social media doesn't help. Everyone's under pressure to put up their best shots - Look at me! I'm pretty / happy / on holiday / eating great food at *insert unpronounceable chef's name* restaurant / surrounded by beautiful things, etc etc. This creates an invisible yardstick for everyone to match or outdo each other. Grief / depression gets hidden and swept under the carpet. Lonely people need friends too but how often have you heard people saying, "He/She is so boring / not fun"? The hordes are chasing fun and entertaining personalities whilst building deep friendships are taking a back burner. Any surprise then, that Loneliness is pandemic in this era? PP, agree with everything you've written.You have a lovely way with words.Sadly you are also correct about Aussie blokes for the most part keeping everything inside so I say to them, in fact to all men, please speak up. The suicides we hear about, and indeed experience within our own families and circles of friends, are absolutely heartbreaking.If you need to talk, and yes I know it's hard to find someone to talk to at times, but please seek out someone to talk to.You may be surprised at who is willing to just allow you the time and space to just talk and talk and talk.People you don't even know very well.People on RHP.And they will patiently listen.Online chat, by phone, face to face. I have had some hurt, heartbroken, frustrated, depressed men open up to me for hours.I am honoured that they chose me to talk to. That showed they have confidence and trust in me. Be well everyone xo
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'LaFemmeFontaine' CountryTouch, Shells, I_touch To name a few, they. Your honesty and vulnerability creates the space for others to do the same. This topic hit a raw apot for me the two loneliest times in my life was while I was married to my first husband. Incompatible was an understatment - there was an ocean of misunderstanding between us and we could not come back from it. The second has been the, last 4 years, my guy killed himself. Even now I'm trying to find a way to shrug this off, make a joke, something to lessen the reality of such a sentence. I don't know why I do that. It's a conversation killer and certainly not something to mention on a date (I'll mention it hete...coz is so fucking private. Haha). I have only just come to accept it all in the last year and to no longer blame myself...grief is a lonely journey and now something in me feels...unreachable. I want to connect that way but I think I've forgotten how and that is lonely. - Posted from rhpmobile That's horrible. I'm so sorry. I had no idea you had such a devastating thing to deal with. I honestly don't know what to say just that it's hardest for those left behind as you would well know. Heart goes out to you. You wrote that post back at the beginning of March, and I've only just seen it. I'm sorry, I would have responded at the time. But you poor thing, I really feel for you and can only imagine what you must have been going through, and what you still are going through. Massive hug. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
It's so awesome that you have guys who trust you enough to talk heart-to-heart with you. I have friends who are going through some real challenges in life and I really feel for them. It's always good to stop and look around us and take time to approach those who look a little down or seem a little lonely and lost and ask, "Are you OK?" Sadly, our fast-paced world, stressful lives and a more self-centered slant these days mean that too many people carry their own weight on their shoulders and they trudge on silently, until the day they take irreversible, drastic action because they have had enough. I so wish more men would open up and when they do, I hope that the ones they have entrusted their secrets to will be able to rise above to occasion and provide some comfort and respite to their poor, burdened and lonely souls. It's not macho to bottle it all up - it's more macho to take constructive steps to prevent the heart and soul from crumbling under pressure.
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RHP User
9 years ago
We have so many devices and social media platforms that allow us to connect yet we are less connected as a society. Rhp included. When was the last time a stranger looked at you and sed hello, without thinking the worst of them or their intentions. better yet when was the last time you looked up from your phone and saw the smiles, colours or heard the sounds and voice around you and be there in the moment. Im probably wrong but It would be easier for females to remove themselves from a state of loneliness as they are a wanted unicorn by both male and females. If men say they are lonely, its not seen as masculin or that they must be socially weird. Sometimes all it takes is a hello to makes somes ones day to feel alive and noticed. Ive lived with depression for over 10years. It can be a lonely existance. Ive started seeing a pshcologist 2years ago, and still do. Mainly just for a chat in a non judgemental environment. - Posted from rhpmobile
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beachgal20
9 years ago
Words cannot express it
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EarthQueen
9 years ago
Hope you are ok hun xx You sound really sad. Quoting 'beachgal20' Words cannot express it
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RHP User
9 years ago
Spending my whole life trying to fit in, trying to be the perfect person so someone will love me despite my pain and stay with me, I end up alone and hurt time and time again but it's becoming enlightening To spend this time in solitude, empowering almost. But doesn't take away the loneliness just makes me stronger to stand strong for what I want in my future - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I've gone from family life with a wife and two great kids to divorced and living alone. I never knew loneliness till now and it's tough, being alone when you are in most need of company and help has been the lowest point in my life. Were it not for the help of a few great mates I'm not sure what I would have done... - Posted from rhpmobile
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beachgal20
9 years ago
Thank you so much....yes I'm sad and over being alone so often.
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Machariel
9 years ago
I see my self standing in a crowded room trying to escape. Room full of ppl I know and still the loneliness sets in. Craving for just 1 on 1's time with people seem more important lately. - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
9 years ago
❤😰 I'm sorry you are feeling down. I hope you have at least a friend who you can share with and lift your spirits or feel free to message xxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Same here beachgal, always happy to just chat, always willing to share experiences. The work is only huge if you want it to be....
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singlewood
9 years ago
Well definitely alone! Living in a remote town with almost no similar age single women equals alone (and blister lol) but a good rsl with many ex serviceman meens never being lonely - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Alone and lonely are two seperate things. Not trusting oneself in my opinion is at the core of not trusting others. Break the rules, turn up at 3am for a coffee, arrive dressed in a suit or ball gown and ask if they want to go out for a 1 hour drink on a Wednesday, do a course is somthing you have never done but always wanted to, offer to sell them your car for $5; na it was just an excuse to see you, cause I think your hot. If they are uncomfortable with human interaction they have trust issues same as most folks these days. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
There are many reasons for this so lets mention some.Facebook and others,Although there is letter/ messages going back and fourththere is a lack of thought and content with lots of LOL and LMAO.so your not putting in the effort you would with a real letter.Texting and not going for a visit also lacks real contact and helpsthe drifting apart of friends. Women wanting independence has backlashed for some.Couples getting divorced when times get tough so she can getGov assist has also helped or divorce alone, has created lonelinessas after many tears of marriage can make you feel cut off I knowfriends we had when married now are not so social.It all sucks.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Being alone is one thing....but being in a group that make you feel all alone is worse.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
You can be alone in your family, growing up and not realizing until a major crisis when you didn"t get any support and you never did :(
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Rubi_Rose' You can be alone in your family, growing up and not realizing until a major crisis when you didn"t get any support and you never did :( It wasn't until I started to learn and understand about family dynamics that I first heard the word scapegoat and It wasn't until someone told me the psychological term which is the identified patient and explained to me the feelings and what you experience in the family system. You feel like you are all alone in the middle of the ocean waving and calling out for help and no one sees you or hears you. The time you get noticed is when the fingers are pointing at you for some shit you weren't responsible for. For me that continues to this day, I have nothing to do with my siblings and little contact with my mum as her words can set off my triggers and I am left feeling hurt. Recently I have realised that my mum doesn't know me or see me at all she never got to know me for who I amShe still sees and knows me as she always has and still treats me and communicates with me as she always has.I have tried many times to have a voice and advocate for myself but it makes no difference sadly. I am resilient and self reliant and that helps me and I am quite ok in my own company and I need my own space, but there are times it all gets to much leaving me feeling overwhelmed. Spending time with my son and daughter is precious for me as well as spending time with valued friends as well as the importance of music as it helps in so many ways, making connections with people when I am out and about is important to me too.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Sadly not only does this happen in Real Life sadly it happens in Cyber Land too. Quoting 'the_antichrist' Being alone is one thing....but being in a group that make you feel all alone is worse.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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