F55
Love me, love my lover - can it work?
December 03 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
we own people?I think there are many different permutations of relationship.I imagine if I was in this situation I would want my lover to continue to see their friend and I would hope they could include me in that relationship to some degree.However that may not be possible.I also think it is about transparency and if everyone,including the lover's friend ,understands the new relationship dynamics then I don't see why it couldn't work,at least in theory. But human emotions can be tricky and the reality may be somewhat different.x R
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RHP User
13 years ago
I forgot to say,the gender of the lover's friend would be irrelevant to me
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RHP User
13 years ago
Id say NO way,i am old fashioned ,if your with me and im with you ,im yours and no one else's.I could not see my lover being intimate with someone else if i gave my self to her.Would hurt me.Maybe that says more about me as a person,but that's how i roll.I never understood why a person would like to have multiple lovers.Guess i am just boring
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RHP User
13 years ago
No I wouldn't say you are boring. Everyone is different and truth be known I am not sure how I would be either. Although I love having a couple of very close intimate friends.
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playful4u
13 years ago
Lets go all out Meeka :) What if the other person was a related, like a cousin or an in-law or something
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RHP User
13 years ago
I hate lies.... I am a damned expert on them... and I reckon I can FEEL them :) IF they were not present.. and I knew about the relationship... AND if the person was a generally good fun person.. bring it on.. MORE so.. IF I saw a way I could include THEM in US I dont like exclusive anyway
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RHP User
13 years ago
If the boot was reversed what you say?? But to explain this further. Two people that WANT the serious relationship will be secure enough in that relationship to overcome it. I know of 2 people, not associated with this site that it works quite well.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I am not sure how I would handle the situation although I really like the idea of polyamory relationships and arrangements. Although one thing is certain... I would definitely have to meet the other person, maybe have them in our life. Not necessarily in a sexual manner but it would eat me up with jealousy if I felt excluded in anyway. I would need to know ALL the details.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Playful... you are keeping it all in the family. Do tell ! Although I hope you aren't bonking your first cousin?
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RHP User
13 years ago
And that desire to know them as well is t an unreasonable ask either. If THAT'S what helps you to be secure then (and I'm assuming here) your partner would oblige you with that. I know I would, as if this other person means THAT much to them as you do, then it's my view that he would be honoured to include you, as it also indicates transparency and a trustworthy quality. :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
.....
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RHP User
13 years ago
Now it's kind of like, whatever happens happens. But if I agreed with someone that it's you and me only then I'd expect that to be the case. Now here's the hypocritical part, if my partner wanted a same sex lover I'd be ok with that as long as it didn't interfere with the primary relationship and It was discussed prior to it starting. However I couldn't deal with my partner having a male lover. It's just never going to be ok with me, maybe I'm too immature, or maybe I'm just a bit selfish. I'm really not sure why there is a difference between the sexes, in my mind there just is.
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playful4u
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'Playful... you are keeping it all in the family. Do tell ! Although I hope you aren't bonking your first cousin?Nearly did with a cousin once removed, but that dose not count :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well it would be a very difficult thing for all involved i assume.People in a relationship of any sort would want to be praised,loved and lusted for ,if your lusting for one person, more than another i would assume problems would occur?I wonder how swingers cope with that,they would have to be very open minded and comfortable with who they are,maybe have rules?I have always wondered how couples can enjoy other couples ,i am not judging here ,just curious i guess.Would love to hear from people who are in a relationship and play with other couples if they sometimes feel less loved or issues do occur.Regards.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Great question! I had a friend who was married n she had a female lover she saw on a regular basis! It was like she led two lives but it worked for them. I think it would depend on the level of trust n jealousy that the couple had... I don't think anyone should give up a friendship.... Each to their own!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'kizza1973'Id say NO way,i am old fashioned ,if your with me and im with you ,im yours and no one else's. I could not see my lover being intimate with someone else if i gave my self to her.Would hurt me. Maybe that says more about me as a person,but that's how i roll. I never understood why a person would like to have multiple lovers.Guess i am just boring I did just that. Met a man for coffee with the idea of having regular sex, agreed to marry the man two weeks later. Yes we have discussed this, I have offered him open relationship status knowing full well that it would be an extremely difficult thing for me to handle and he has turned that one down three times.....had to ask more than once just to make sure. He would not like it if it was me with another and I do not share very well at all. It would hurt me a great deal as well and I know he would feel the same. Also, I find the idea of becoming intimate with another now is just a little abhorrent.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would say that another male would feel like direct competition whereas a woman is different as you can't offer the same thing or compete so you wouldn't feel threatened. Same same but different.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Kizza I am friends with a swinging couple on FB and I have one of the wife's regularly playmate on my friends list too. Sometimes the husband is on line as the wife is out with the buddy... and then the buddy will come on later and say he had a good time. And all is good. I find it amazing too that there is no jealousy there at all. It means that the swinging couple have complete and utter trust in each other. Lucky them. :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
To answer your questions Kizza, from my very limited experience I would say that jealousy creeps in when you are unsure of your partner or you feel excluded or feel as if something is going on without your knowledge. It would be very important that time and much effort is put into the primary relationship so that it doesn't happen. Funny, I have been at Couples Club and watched a swinging couple bonking another couple. They spent the entire time talking to each other. It was something that they were doing together... even though they were actually fucking other people. It enhances their own sex life. Mind you they were also very complimentary to the other couple too. At the end one of the husbands lent over to the other guy and said my wife would love it if you blow in her mouth. See... now that is what they call team work. :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Im friends with one of hubbys old girlfriends but they hadnt been together for years before I met him. Im thinking that I wouldnt be open to a committed relationship with anyone who wasnt redy to commit to me but I could still be playmates.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Probably hit the nail on the head there, although the chances of a woman running off with the other person, regardless of gender is the same I guess so I'm still not 100% sure on that. I'd love a relationship that included a regular or even all inclusive female companion. But the chances of finding 3 people who are all into each other and that idea is very very slim I'm betting
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RHP User
13 years ago
@ handmaiden ,Good to hear you are getting Married, congratulations.That's how i would be i could not see a lover who i wanted to be with ,be with someone else.@Meeka ,well it dose take all sorts to make the world go round,i did think some people would be comfortable with having a number of partners while other people would want to be with just one lover.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hey Meeka Good Topic:) My Sister is living that Lifestyle after Her Partner passed away.(He had a Brain tumour rejected her 8yrs ago hence her having a Lover.). Her former Lover, his Wife and 10yr old moved into her Home and have been living rogether. for 2yrs now . They were all Friends too and his Wife thinks My Sis is awesome They're extremely Happy..From all accounts very well satisfied too sharing the Kingsize bed as they all sleep and Play together he!he!. However they do have their designated areas,My Sis works Part time.R is the Home Maker, B is the Male does the Garden and all the bloke things..I feel that important with 2 Women living in the same Hiome sharing the guy that they have their own space to deal with saves Cat fights over territory so to speak.. As for me.I'm not sure how I'd feel with a budding RelationshipI kind of think I'd like to focus on us 1st for a little while so the dynamics are reset.I certainly would like to be aware from the beginning about his Playmate and meet her, hopefully become Friends.I definitely would want to be treated like the Alpha Female by both of them and it would have to be a Positive influence on our Relationship. I doubt I'd like to share him in a 3some. with a Female. I'd prefer he kept his time with her seperate and not in our Home unless their was an attraction between us all.. Honestly I'd prefer to have The Man in My Life and the opportunity to still enjoy a Young Lover or 2 if I choose.If my partner wanted to watch OK, but I'd rather he joined in and Pleasured me and they have a session too where I watch and join in after.. That's what I'm seeking in My Next Relationship.I'm over the 1-1 being the Faithful Wifey Thing..Cheers Lu :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Thanks for the very thought provoking topic Meeka. Reading the responses is very interesting & intriguing. As a couple who both come from monogamous marriages in the past & may i add from my (Mr fun's) perspective a marriage where our sex lives only got better throughout our marriage & played no part in the failure of the marriage & now & since we've been together Mrs fun & i have enjoyed some amazing times with other ladies & couples & both agree it has only enhanced our relationship. We are very much in love & engaged to be married & actually met on the internet on a similar site. It's far from surprising that most people posting on this subject are extremely apprehensive & feel they would be unable to be so open with their partner. I suppose my post is taking or keeping the friend as a sexual partner too. We personally believe the key to any open relationship is that both patners know that love & sex are two completely separate entities & should be treated as such. If both partners are happy in that knowledge there are therefore no jealousy issues to contend with & only fun exciting pleasurable times to be had. We also believe that most people who enjoy sexy with others in their relatrionship would concur that no matter how great your sex life is playing & pleasurring with others only enhances it. These jealousy issues seem to be more prevolant among monogamous couples & one reason we see for that is also one of the things we enjoy most about playing...The flirting...Flirting is after all plays such a huge part in why you & your partner are together in the first place & a natural occurence when two people are attracted to each other. It's something most of us enjoy doing, not to mention how much we all enjoy being flirted with, great for ones self esteem, confidence & yes i hear you ladies say...ego...Lol Flirting is a natural thing that in a large number of mongamous relationships is something neither partner ever gets to enjoy either because their partner may get jealous or when their without their partner because of guilt. Seems a very sad loss but we are all different people & as they say..."different strokes for different folks" Hopefully this will provoke some thought & hopefully not all negative because we ar only enjoying positive experiences. Funwithusnow
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RHP User
13 years ago
We believe monogamy is a choice, we are actually wired to have multiple relationships. We are all capable of loving more than one person, however, most people choose just one life partner. What happens if one person in a relationship chooses to love only one person for their entire lives and the other person is capable of falling in love with multiple people. We agree that human emotions are really tricky, however, we think honesty and transparency is the key. People can also be in love but be sexually incompatible, another tricky issue to resolve!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'I find it amazing too that there is no jealousy there at all. It means that the swinging couple have complete and utter trust in each other. Lucky them. :) Is this total trust or just a lack of caring? Oh not a lack of caring about the other person... as a person per se....I have friends that I care very deeply about and really could not give a rats arse who they have sex with...and that to me is the issue. Yes I know that many, especially those who do share...would argue vehemently against my point of veiw and of course...they have to or their whole relationship is based on a lie. IMO (and remember I am entitled to one) couples do not allow thier partner to play with others because of an altruistic desire for thier partner to be happy, more because either that allows them to play with others or they really do not care enough to worry about it. It is not a matter of total trust at all. Deep down inside they know that there is a possibility that thier partner may conceivably prefer someone else over them but it does not matter.
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smo669
13 years ago
The old Jefferson Airship son(I think) had a line about "I don't really see! Why can't we go on as three" There would certainly be some trust and jealousy issues to deal with, I understand possessiveness and jealousy having been there and done that. But a sharing and inclusive relationship with an intimate other is actually a bonus and certainly a turn on on a physical level. What is more exciting than experiencing your partner getting her or his rocks off, and if you're a part of hat then enjoy it for what it's worth Each to their own but open your mind to the possibilities and see what you can enjoy
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RHP User
13 years ago
after reading all these replies,ive had my bubble on what i thought a serious relationship is or was..to me ,i though it was meet someone,marry, settle down, own house,have children,be a family. grow old with that person by my side ,,the one and only one by my side and in my bed..reading the replies i can see why so many marriages end in divorce..im just to old fashion for todays world......people who play with fire shouldnt complain later when they get burnt..
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RHP User
13 years ago
I completely and utterly disagree with you but it's too late at night to think of a well reasoned response. However, from the top of my head. A couple in a poly relationship may tell you that you are being unreasonable, jealous & selfish and that you are stifling your partners sexuality and individuality. That holding someone to ransom like that does not mean that they will always love you or may want you. You are not allowing that person to grow and explore if that is what they wanted. What if your partner was bi-sexual for instance or into certain kinks you are not. So you may see it as their lack of caring but they see it as giving their partner freedom as they are secure in their relationship. Which I am sure you can see can be turned back on you to say that you don't care enough about your partner and you are very insecure in your relationship. Hypothetically I mean... Not saying anything against you as I don't know you or your partner. We have all heard the stories or may even know people that have fallen in love with someone but sexually that person is just not able to satisfy all their needs. Okay, you want commitment and exclusivity. Fair enough but how long til that person goes out and tries to satisfy their sexual needs? Maybe never or maybe tomorrow. I think your view is too simplistic. I think people commit and get married with the best of intentions but not everyone is successful in squashing their true sexual desires.
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RHP User
13 years ago
i sort of think by the time you want a serious relationship with someone one, its because they tick all the boxes that you and they feel comfortiable with..one's soul mate as they say..i see it as if you want to play around and enjoy life dont do it after you decide to be in a seriuos relationship..people would call that cheating.grounds to end relationship ,marriage..doesnt matter how you try to sugar coat reasons behind having fwb during the relationship cheating is stilling cheating ..like i said im old fashioned .and now of the people ive know other the years would be to happy if their .boyfriend ,girlfriend ,husband or wife went sleep around...when you with some one you should concentrate on them for the time of what every the arrangement is..not who you could be doing later in the day..
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RHP User
13 years ago
I am not sure of the my awnser here Meeks..i do think this is one of the best topics of the year though..it does make a person think ..well done..
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RHP User
13 years ago
Don't tell me HM that you believe in Fairytales. We have been all taught that there is one Mr Right and that exclusivity, possessiveness & jealousy means that a person really loves you. It's not true. So what are you thoughts about couples that play together? Seems amazing to me that you (in your hey day) were more than happy to sleep with a married man yet you sneer at open relationships. Makes no sense to me. I would have thought, and this is just my personal belief, that if you really believed why you are saying and upheld the marriage or commitment in a relationship you would never sleep with someone that was married or attached.
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RHP User
13 years ago
And one I've been exposed to lately - conversations wise I have cheated on every single partner I've had up until I met my husband. I did this because I was A) very young an didn't know much better and B) got off on the thrill of bein chased, adored, lusted after.- but since being with Mr I haven't cheated. Why? Because, unless I fall in love with another person, it's not cheating (in his eyes). It took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept - waiting for the fine print to emerge, surely it's too good to be true - but the fact is, after nearly 10 years together he still stands by what he means - I've had long term lovers, have even had a live in one (his best mate), and loved most of them. (Not 'in love', I'd like to clarify that) and all it did was make hubby love me more.... He was turned on, excited, thrilled *insert more adjectives here*, because I was being ME. The person he fell in love with was NOT monogamous physically, but emotionally - I'm all his. I'm capable, an enjoy, loving lots of people. It's what makes me tick.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm very tired tonight
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RHP User
13 years ago
Relationships can stretch through other peoples influence. You can be happy living with someone and sleeping with others. There are so many things you can share with the person you are with that you didn't think was possible. Everyone has an individual side that can be carried back to the cave you live in. That's what growing is for. Your relationship can grow with the knowledge you receive from friends with benefits. But just make sure you are both ready to listen to the differences. Life can be a blast. Hope this helps.
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RHP User
13 years ago
If you trust in each other and trust in the strength of your own relationship and connection then all can be so fine with this situation. You both need to be open and not have to hide or lie. Lies destroy any relationship. It's nice to know the other person too. Yes I have lived with this situation and you both do need confidence, not jealousy.....and then it can work well for everyone. Even better...It's actually great to be able to share your other partner ... guess I have been OK and like an open relationship...just as long as everyone involved knows. You can still be in love with your partner.....but affairs behind your back with either sex............no way. It does take strength. Hell if you knew this in the first place when you met....and it worked ....don't change it.... be part of the journey and experience. Really I have found that a partner who was use to seeing others sexually, will eventually return to that lifestyle anyway...even when in love. It doesn't have to be a threat to your relationship at all.
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hotpassionpie
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'To answer your questions Kizza, from my very limited experience I would say that jealousy creeps in when you are unsure of your partner or you feel excluded or feel as if something is going on without your knowledge. It would be very important that time and much effort is put into the primary relationship so that it doesn't happen. Funny, I have been at Couples Club and watched a swinging couple bonking another couple. They spent the entire time talking to each other. It was something that they were doing together... even though they were actually fucking other people. It enhances their own sex life. Mind you they were also very complimentary to the other couple too. At the end one of the husbands lent over to the other guy and said my wife would love it if you blow in her mouth. See... now that is what they call team work. :)
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