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RHP

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Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex...

August 17 2008

sex

I would be interested to hear what people think of the men's and women's list in comparison bearing in mind they are only meant to be taken from a tongue in cheek point of view...and not to be taken seriously...tho that doesn't mean there isn't anything to be learned from them. 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.Pretending they're a dogie toy, isn't. 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them someattention. 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there,keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first. 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 19) GOING TOO HARD. you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputatio n for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 37) TALKING DIRTY. makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too she will turn blue. 40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you.Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.Women, You should forward this to all your boyfriends/husbands for uninterrupted PLEASURE !!! Ciao 4 Now... MrsPeachy :-Deb PS: There were only 40 points on the men's list that was posted previously (guess they couldn't think of as much to complain about lol), which is above, but there is another list with 50 as well.

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    PMSL, what can I say, except, thank you. I learnt a few things too. ha ha x

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    lol... hope you guys are all taking notes here :) Mrs H

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    and i always thought my problem was just turning up... LRE (madly taking notes)

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    what happens if as a woman you like 5, 6, 11, 19, 35, 36, 37, sometimes 7, and definitely 26? I can see the basics in this list, but it's all a bit regimented isn't it? Shit, some girls might like being cum on the face with no warning while being told she's a filthy fucking bitch and having her left nipple almost twisted off.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    tigress505 & Hillbillies...glad to hear you enjoyed the post :-D litle_red_engin...lol ;-) Soubiii...like yourself I can see the basics in this list and don't necessarily agree with every point but I guess it just goes to show that there are no absolutes and that what suits one person is not necessarily going to suit another :-) Ciao 4 now... MrsP :-Deb

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    That made for some funny reading, a lot has to do with taking home boys instead of men i presume hahahaha. The best key i've found is communication, works everytime. hav fun hehe

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. 2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation. 3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up. 4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault. 5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice. 6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you. 7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. Get over it. 8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling. 9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you. 10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing. 11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself. 12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor. 13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that s**t if you want him to spend any time down there. 14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted. 15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads. 16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall". 17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High. 18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy. 19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun. 20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking. 21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt. 22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out. 23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either. 24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work. 25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move. 26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier. 27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it. 28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all #@%*ing surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen? 29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big #@%*ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one. 30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time. 31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis. 32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them. 33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess. 34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty #@%* you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view. 35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory. 36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it. 37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters. 38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference). 39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water. 40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw. 41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores. 42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t. 43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego. 44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you. 45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises. 46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash. 47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really #@%*ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be. 48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it. 49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok. 50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order. This one was for the fellas :-) More to cum...

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    OMFG I haven't laughed so much in a while, sitting here trying to read this and have kids come and ask what I am laughing at... Thanks PeachPear

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    All individual rules are unnumbered because they are all part of one golden rule: * Breasts are for looking at and that is why men do it. Don't try to change that. * Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining because you left it down. * Saturday is for sports. It is like the full moon or changing of the tides, so let it be. * Shopping is not a sport and we are never going to think of it that way. * Crying is blackmail. * Ask for what you want. Be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it. * Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. * Come to us with a problem only if you need help solving it. Sympathy is what girlfriends provide. * Headaches that last more than 18 months are a problem. Consult your doctor. * Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. * If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. * If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. * You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you know how to do it, do it yourself. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials. * Captain Cook did not need directions, neither do we. * All men see in only 16 colours. For example, peach is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is. * If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. * If we ask what is wrong and you answer "nothing", we will assume nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it's not worth the hassle. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. I really am in shape. Round is a shape. Thank you for reading this. Yes I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but men really don't mind it. It's like camping... Hmmm... why does that last one sound so likely??? One for the ladies next... PS: lil_me... Thank You! It's a pleasure to share pleasure, giving and receiving ;-) What'd you tell the kids lol?

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    I've been practicing this sex caper for close to 35 years and reading this list.. I dont think I'll ever get it right if I gotta think about all that crap. Can't I just let go of the inhibitions, get grubby and go for it? Besides.. what's wrong with trying to find the right radio station... sex should not always be serious!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    R u bein' serious cos I wasn't ;-) Mrs

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  • Frankiesgame

    Frankiesgame

    17 years ago

    havent read something so funny and informative!! Go Mrs Peachy, a legend!!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    17 years ago

    man all these rules and regulations no wnoder a man doesnt know where he stands in the mix these days maybe its just easy to be the missionary man until told differently hehehehe lol mal

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  • Mr_Invisible

    Mr_Invisible

    17 years ago

    Label yourself however you feel most comfortable I spend 2 mths in the bed on a lesbian.... thats what she still calls herself... go figure

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