F65
On being alone..
August 20 2013
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
Do what ever feels right for you If your ready to meet ... do it Do not allow any Judgement of "seeing someone to quick" Death is final ... waste no time Its all about you now do what your gotta do ... find your path & find Happiness And meet lots of Friends along the way Good Luck ... jensta xxx
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RHP User
12 years ago
I am sorry to hear of your loss.Allow time to grieve and feel those emotions like actually allow yourself to cry, get angry, be happy etcGrieve and loss is a terrible thing to go through - all those stages take time.I think most people here have experienced a loss sometime in their life.Surround yourself with good friends and family.To me, jumping right back in, is asking for trouble!!People do it to feel good, to feel sexy, to feel wanted and needed.They think having sex and a boyfriend will fill that void!ERRRRRRRRRR it doesn't..I've been there, done that once and once only - it's normal tho, nearly every dose it.It will back fire on you..not only that - it's not fair on the other person.LOOK after yourself - FIRST and FORE MOST!I spend a lot of time on my own, it does not mean that I am lonely, it just means I am happy with my own company.I can be in a room full of people I know, that's when I feel loneliest the most! WEIRD HUH?Get you head in the right head space and the rewards will pay off!It takes time...All the best..FOXY xxx
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RHP User
12 years ago
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but no-one says how long the friggin tunnel is!!!FOXY
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RHP User
12 years ago
There are 2 kinds of people 1 is the person who is ok being alone and adjusts. The other like myself prefers a partner to do things with and for and thrives big time that way. If your like me it is hard and you feel empty but also you become a social dynamo and are able to get on with everyone. no matter what age they are plus we make great child carers.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I lost my Wife and it was so sad she did not deserve it as she was wonderful. She went through a lot of pain and never gave up. i supported her in every way that I could. I did my best.And when she died we were all upset a lot of crying and even wailing.But now we just get on with it, no moping around, and it is important to show my kids the way.So as for the time frame for me about 3 months.I feel I do not want to waste time now.Tell me what does excessive crying do. You have to be positive because life is for the living.
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Coops27M
12 years ago
Hi courtesanaly, I'm sorry to hear you've had to join many of us in our loneliness. It would definitely be difficult after extended period's with a companion. I have no place to comment on adjusting after long term companionship so i won't. As far as coping with being alone. In my experience it's realising the special people in your life, be it friend's or family, make it impossible for you ever to be truly alone and embracing those connections/people. As for how long you should wait that's all down to you and when you are truly ready. But jensta is correct in saying not to allow the judgement of other's interfere, this is about you and your only restrictions are you own. I feel the need to state that these are just my personal opinion's, i am young and not a qualified councillor, therefore if they help great if you disagree that's also great. :-) Good luck finding what your looking for, even if it is just time :-). - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hi CourtesanAly,Firstly, my condolences on your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.When my 11 year marriage broke down, I found it incredibly difficult to adjust. So much so that a full bottle of my favourite spirit beckoned me from in the cupboard, and I knew that if I succumbed, I'd more than likely crawl into that bottle and stay there.I found, over time, that as I got used to being on my own, I did slowly adjust to flying solo, although there were periods when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I'd get through them with the help of those closest to me. Even today, four years later, I have the odd bout of the blues.In my early attempts to pick myself up again, I put myself out to the world, my rationale being that all I really needed was a few sessions with another woman and I'd be back to my old self again.....only to find that I was really being quite naive, to my detriment.I guess the point to all this is that you need to feel ready to move on. Initially I didn't allow myself the time to grieve - not for the loss of my wife, but for the loss of my marriage - and tried to force myself to move on rather than allowing it to happen naturally. The sense of failure as a husband and father was almost overwhelming at times.As to your question of how much time, I'm afraid I cannot answer. You'll know when it happens, though - it will just feel right for you.I hope you find the strength you need, both on here and in real life, to get through this time.Cheers!JAB
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RHP User
12 years ago
So sorry for your loss, and thank you for posting such a vulnerable question. Grief is a powerful emotion and everyone's experience is different. Mine has been two steps forward and one back. Sometimes up sometimes down. I believe in being gentle on yourself and doing what you need to do for you, in the moment. It's good to make plans but OK if you need to scale them back. I think in the early days after such loss your judgment can be a little clouded and it's easy to crave and seek comfort. Often it's not until later that you might look back and realise you acted from pain, sadness or fear. Whatever you do, however you do it, however long it takes, don't sit in judgment of yourself and don't let others push you. All the very best x
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RHP User
12 years ago
will never be the same,you will never be the same.But you will find you, because you are no longer part of a couple. You may find that you enjoy that state or you may crave coupledom again....follow your bliss,do whatever it is that you want to do. Take lovers,dance ,travel,laugh,cry,sing or just take time out to grieve,stare at the wall...because beautiful Ally,it is indeed about you.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I also lost my partner :( my sister said it right as she lost her hubby as well! You don't get over it or move forward you simply learn how to deal with the pain n grief of that loss...
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RHP User
12 years ago
For everybody its different. Took me 10 years however i had young children. I am still single after 14 years and i still sometimes get sad i have lost him.I dont think there is the same way of healing for everybody....as there is no one the same as the other, its slow and your heart hurts. Also one day you wake up and you think the feeling of freedom is fantastic and the learning I did is exhilarating.But thats me talking, again everybody is different.I feel for you I know how much it hurts.I am sending you love and healing.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Aly sorry to hear of your loss. i will send u a txt tomorrow and give you a call in the coming week. been there and know the heartache you and your family are going through.Bradxxx
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RHP User
12 years ago
embrace what you have ..understand nothing will ever be the same again, be excited about the growth in that. If your solid in who you are as an individual, then get back on that horse. What's the worst that can happen. You realize you are not ready. Mr S
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RHP User
12 years ago
Eperience the things you always wanted to experience. And be happy. As quickly as you can. Being sad is not constructive and can quickly become a habbit. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Firstly, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I think it is very common, for people to feel lonely after a separation, whether that be from loss of a partner through death or breakup. I was a serial relationship junkie - Use to go from one to the next, to the next. I only came to the conclusion about 5 years ago, that I was leaving a trail of mass destruction behind me... Took about a year to get use to it and now I'm the bipolar opposite. I love my own company, a little too much at times. I find concentrating on your own happiness and self acceptance are the first two things that you need to assist you in breaking through feeling lonely.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I lost one I loved with every fiber of my being, not to death. Not to belittle your loss OP but when such love is lost it can be worse than a passing away. I would never see her again but had the awful presents of hope and the agony of deliberate betrayal. I never knew that for greed someone could be so cold and calculated. I mourned the loss of her for a year and in that pain life is unbearable.With all loss time does heal, never is one the same as there will always be a little left, memories, what ifs, regrets, but we move on. We must move on.How much time to morn is only for you to decide, do not feel pressure by the expectations of others. The lonely times can have an emptiness and even when the years pass you will find a tear and sorrow, an empty part deep inside that appears even in a crowded room. There is always love and you are never truly alone, family, friends, memories, the warmth of the sun, the delight of a smile, the embrace of another soul as fragile and fleeting as we all are. There are no guarantees.Thus the adventure takes a turn and a new road ahead has opened up opportunity. Embrace opportunity and dare I say revel in the new vista of your journey. I grew, I matured, I was born anew, and most important of all I know that I am never alone unless I choose to be so. For you now carry his soul and a little bit of him lives in you. Condolences, I am sure all here wish you well. Luck, love, and happiness is the gift you have to look forward to.Seize the day.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Take a little time out and just breath!!! You have had a difficult time of late. Perhaps u just need to be sociable. Take up dance classes, belly or burlesque dancing or ballroom lol......... Maybe a spa retreat be kind and pamper yourself!! You will know when the time is right. All the best Gypsy💋- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
You've got lots of support and friends you can call upon when needed. Anytime.XXXXXX
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Smilingwithfun
12 years ago
Saying that alone is a feeling & not a physical state of being by yourself. One can have people around & still feel alone. You can be in a house by yourself & not feel alone because you have people who care in your life. Only you can know what time frame you need. Love takes time to grow, so be careful of jumping in to quickly. At this time Good friends can help ease the alone feeling. Mine did. A friend is someone who steps in when the world steps out. We all need time to adjust & no 2 of us are the same. Good luck in your journey.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hi honey We know of each others circumstances, so my only advice on your post...is.... be gentle with yourself, expect nothing, go with the flow that life situations will now offer up to you, embrace all that is new and reach out and accept what is offered to you, friendship, companionship, love, sex etc.. take it all in...............................but No there is no shortcut....this is a journey that must be traveled and as wise Freya said..this is all about you now.. Ive just FB you..... xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
I noticed in your post that you concentrated on the issue of coming to terms with being alone rather than dealing with loss and grief so I'll respond to that. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. There is a centredness in solitude that can be more empowering than any relationship. It's a bit analogous to silence. Our lives are saturated with different types of relationships, just as its saturated with constant auditory and visual input. Solitude can be as beautiful as the silence of being out in the bush where all you can hear is the wind around you and your own footsteps. You can hear your heartbeat, and in the stillness of solitude space is created in your head and around you that the parts of you, contained within any relationship, can expand into. Well that's been my experience. I love both solitude and intimacy and am fortunate enough to be able to move back and forth between them. Good luck. Geoff.
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Plain280
12 years ago
Hello Ally, I am experiencing the journey to being a widower, my partner has been fighting Brain Cancer for the past 23 years and in the last 6 years things have taken for the worse. Its a situation that I will write about another time. The thing is my partner is very concerned about me ( now I know what you are thinking so here me out) after her passing away. Her main concern is that I must not get introspective about life, that there should be a new partner, because here is the thing she knows more about me than I know myself.So I am hoping your partner did the same for you, as you get so wrapped up in the now about caring for the other person that you can forget about yourself and the future you have. My reasons for being on hear is more to do with forums than anything else, as I have made it pretty restrictive as to what I will and cant do. Take care of yourself and explore for yourself, the person that passed away will always be in your memory and will never be forgotten and I am sure that they gave you some guidance.xxxx
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RHP User
12 years ago
I haven't read what others have been saying but my advice, without having been through what you have mind you, would be to trust your own instincts. I imagine the death of a partner can provoke feelings of guilt if you try to move on too early afterwards, but at the end of the day life goes on and you aren't tarnishing the memory of your patner by choosing to live. on the contrary, i'm sure your partner would be happy to see you blossoming and experiencing new things. perhaps being at peace with this thought is what you need to make that 'final push' into a new world again. lots of love chris xxx
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RHP User
12 years ago
Huggs ... and a shoulder No words can say Aly . You will know . You worded it best yourself in a post of your own . One minute .... a simple comment will drive you crazy with want . the next minute .... the same simple comment will repulse you . You will know Aly . ... from a Friendly heart . xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
If life is a corridor you could go down it dancing, singing, laughing...or even alone..But go down it you will.
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RHP User
12 years ago
In being a Lone Ranger. I quite enjoy it :). No one to think of, no one to trip over, no one digging me for an awesome Dutch oven.....life's good - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hi! Coops .I just read your reply and felt your emotions within the words energies. I must say I found your sentiments to be from your Heart , compassionate and constructive. You maybe young as you put it but you've definitely got an Old Soul. I'm sure that those who share your Life be they Friends Family etc would feel themselves very fortunate to know you..Cheers Lu :)
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RHP User
12 years ago
Hi! CourtesanAly:) My Sincere Condolences go out to you too. I agree with what others have said, so I only wish to add Being alone as you know after a Longterm relationship especially if the end was quick can be very hard. It's like the warmth of your heart is weighed down by an anvil so heavy cold.. it's the little things like having a cuddle, your back scratched, share things with a joke good news or not when you want it. That stands out the most I found. These things pass with time and you do need to take the time to go through the various stages of mourning.6mths-1yr if all is going as it should you're not stuck in 1 area seems to be the norm . When you feel ready to reach out to others for the right reasons not out of emotional neediness, then you'll attract those who will bring light into your Life. . Take it slow enjoy the Journey. People will come into your life at the right time for whatever reason. With People you meet for sexual reasons or Friendship get to know them 1st and it will fall into place you won't feel used but appreciated for the amazing Woman I feel you are.. Yes Hun your vibes are telling me you're doing all the right things to grow from this tragic circumstance.. Kindest Regards Lu :)x.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I so feel for you and wont say I know how you feel as I have not lost a partner.. Life constantly throws curve balls at us, some good and some not so.. Its what makes us who we are.. You just have to turn the page of the big book of life and see what the next chapter holds... In time you will enjoy the solitude of your own space and even become somewhat protective of it.... There are some wonderful people in this world to share fun times with.. I have a special friend who I see regularly yet we respect each other’s space even though she lives close by. We do most things on the spur of the moment and chat a lot on the phone.. We are always there for each other when needed or when those lonely times set in. She is my bestie ........ Hopefully you too will find a friend as I have... As Billy Joel sang.................... Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness But it's better than drinkin' alone.....
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RHP User
12 years ago
Thank you to everyone who replied with such compassion and words of advice. Baby steps for me at the moment but with a sense of, however I feel and however long it takes, it's ok. Xx- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
So sorry to hear of your loss Aly
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