M44
On chemistry...
February 26 2017
Comments
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RHP User
9 years ago
I believe is there at first glance (or rather first smelll) or ot is not, pheromones have a lot to answer for! Learned attraction is a step up from forced approval as far as I'm concerned. Some thihgs are just...primal. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I personally think that chemistry is innate... it's either there or it isn't, and I don't think it can be taught or learnt. Having said that, I also think its possible for chemistry to be there initially and then completely disappear because of something said or done, which makes the other person suddenly unattractive to you. Sustaining a relationship, however, I do think is something that you can learn, be taught or guided. I have not to sustain long term relationship since I split from my son's father 13 years ago. I've had several lovers (outside of RHP), that I would like to have had a committed LTR with, but it always fizzled out. They were happy to have sex with me, but not interested in anything else. When it happens that many times and the common denominator is me, the logical conclusion is that it is me that's doing something wrong. I'm not looking for pity here, just stating a fact. I've done some soul searching on this, and I'm pretty sure that I can pin-point a couple of ways in which I screw things up. Firstly, I don't trust men. None of you, and not even a little bit. And let's face it, jealousy and insecurity are very unattractive. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them. This is very much a consequence of what I experienced at the hands of my ex, who was incapable of fidelity and also exceptionally good at gas lighting me. Also as a consequence of my ex, I put up big walls as soon as I think I might be starting to develop feelings for someone. I'm terrified they might realise how much I like them, and how vulnerable to being hurt I am at that point. So not only is the poor man in question dealing with an insecure, irrationally jealous woman, they're also dealing with someone who, in other respects, is a closed book emotionally and gives nothing intimate in return. So I guess you could say I've learnt through trial and error what mistakes I make and why I make them. The hard part now is overcoming my insecurity, jealousy and wall-building, and that sure as hell means getting and accepting help or guidance from others - professional or otherwise. Well, that was a bit of a ramble and I'm not sure I really answered your question OP... sorry!
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RHP User
9 years ago
Any well meaning answer or communication is worthwhile, ElkeM. Thank you for your response.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Summed me up perfectly too! The whole common denominator in failed attempts at anything more than casual sex is always me. I won't quote your whole response...but it's me all over too unfortunately. As for chemistry. It's either there or it isn't when first interacting with someone. But I think it can also develope over time, then more you get to know someone too. Basic friendships can become sexual, romantic and lead to love over time (or so romantic movies lead me to believe!). I think that could be considered a slow burn of chemistry. But as to the approach and how to go about it in a social environment. I'm clueless. I'm either standing to the side, nervous as hell and wondering what people may think of me. Or if I'm a little comfortable (knowing a few people around me), I can confidently chat and interact with new people. But I've no real clue how I come across to them, nor would I have any clue about picking up on interest/chemistry either. And this is why I've never "picked up" when I've gone out! lol
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RHP User
9 years ago
*develop lol
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RHP User
9 years ago
Learn chemistry..it's either there or it's not. I do however think that you can learn to be more attractive. That could be by improving your appearance,taking a genuine interest in others,being confident but not arrogant...be someone that others find interesting...Q
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RHP User
9 years ago
Yes, the first sentence of your comment sums it up for me. Yes, the attraction has to be there, but that's not always physical. I once met a guy who in the looks department, might have been considered unattractive by many, or in a classical sense, but there was something quirky about him. He looked interesting and we were on the same page sexually, our communications went well, so I agreed to meet him and omfg we were so natural together, it was amazing. The key thing is mutual, so mutual attraction, in whatever form, is where it starts, then the chemistry will only be there if both are able to let it go, free of inhibition or restriction (within reason) both need to have the ability to move in to the other person. For me, it's straight in, it'll either be there or it won't, fortunately most times it goes well, though I do think communication leading up to meeting them helps weed out those where you just feel it's not going to happen. So for some, it comes naturally, for me it does, I can block out the rest of the world and love them in the moment, completely let myself go because I want that fire. The embers have to be there though, and they're just not with some people. The mechanical, distant lovers, hard to explain but if passionate and wanting that fire, chemistry will be there. No I don't believe it can be taught, it comes from within IMHO 😃
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RHP User
9 years ago
Primal is a very good word 👍
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RHP User
9 years ago
Re your reference on touching etc how much/when, communication I would think. That's why I'm not a fan of dating a lot before sex. Sex first, it that works, then date lol ✌ I met a guy who had taken this chick out on 4 dates and they still hadn't had sex. My first thought was, you poor thing, try before you buy, if dating goes on for too long, and you find yourself getting sucked into a relationship, then the sex doesn't do it for you then what? A lot of people continue on at that point which ends up being a mistake and ultimately hurts both of them. I often ponder why women associate respect with the period of time before you have sex. I don't get that personally and think it makes it hard for men to know how to approach. How to approach me: throw me up against the wall.......I won't go on 😜
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RHP User
9 years ago
... the first thing that came to me was, "Pheromones". I think you either have chemistry or you don't. You can't force it, you can't manipulate it, you can't manufacture it. I really like LFF's and Q's posts. It is very primeval, fundamental and inherent. One can learn The Art of Seduction, and even work on enhancing our attractiveness. However, chemistry just is and cannot be replicated nor learnt. When you cross paths with someone who has a sizzling chemistry with you, it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you won't be able to help feeling the natural impulses you will almost instantaneously feel. You will instantly have heightened stimulation and there'll be this irresistable urge to make out with the person. It will give you a heady, warm, fuzzy feeling and you may even feel a warm blush in your cheeks when you are in close proximity to that person. The pheromones, when compatible, are a potent catalyst!
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RHP User
9 years ago
I think some things can be taught to a certain extent. I self-taught controlling my mood. If I go on a date and feel average, that's all I'm gonna get, but if I go on a date and feel excited no matter if there is chemistry, it has a better chance of advancing to date #2 or great friendship - same goes for the opposite person. I've known people that are completely oblivious to someone actually liking them and what's good for them and aligned with what they want. Like my bestie, even going as far as a spreadsheet to narrow down her choices and how she felt. She is now getting married to the one that treated her like a princess and not the bad boy that would call her in his time. So it is through trial and error for me...but guidance from close support around for my bestie. I do not have a clear goal for relationships, but I rather enjoy the seasonal/long term company of another and want to grow, personally. I find my joy in moments with many rather than limiting myself to a few main people. - Posted from rhpmobile
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MissRedFox
9 years ago
And I think if you're a person open to possibilities, it will just happen naturally. I look for conversations that just flow, rather than feeling like an interview. Body, language, shared smiles, natural touches. Just being intrigued and wanting to know more. Obviously it works when both people feel the same way. Men seem to think these days that seduction is about a dick pic, bragging they can "go down for hours". Whats arousing to me is seeing passion in a person, them lighting up when they talk about something they love. People who have a zest for life, who are curious and wanting to explore. These are the things that will have me wanting to just be around you.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Chemistry is just that - chemistry. The brain chemical reaction to another human, no different to chemical compounds in a laboratory. Genuine affection is something that builds over time and with that a deeper attraction perhaps but I wouldn't call that chemistry. 💋 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Yes I agree 👍
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RHP User
9 years ago
Firstly and strictly only speaking for myself of course as I know a lot of men I know do it differently!!!! So for me I need and I can't fake, force or learn .......Chemistry! Or as Lafemme accurately described it,' primal'! Its the uncontrollable primal urge or hunger for someone. Without this vital ingredient, I'm home early to bed! Any time I try to have a go purely because the pickings were slim! And again one attempt after another frustrating attempt! Lol. And I don't mean just that weekend. This has been for me a young as year 7 up to this day. All with the same results. Unless I have an attraction to them, its not going to happen! For me as a man, I've struggled earlier on with feeling like a freak! I've knock back, avoided and if I'm not able to give em the slip, pretend I'm dead asleep! I'm not going there if no spark or chemistry. Only on half a dozen occasions have I felt that I must have her and make it happen now boy! On each of these occasion, which I know too well the formulae. The chemistry wasn't there until acted on it! lust and chemistry can be turned on and off! When I'm in a relationship, I don't list or even feel for any other woman when happy with my partner. But as soon as they turn on me for whatever reason, knocking back what in their words are " take me anytime you like, I'm all yours, your my man" to the all you ever think about is sex!!!! Lol That's when I start to notice and think about other woman! For me its a switch! On or off! If not looking, no matter how many worlds hottest woman pass my line off site. I'm switched off.. But my god watch out when I'm "on" and holy crap the willing and wanting participant is going to want me forever!! Self confidence! This is as vital as chemistry! This is for me the next ingredient. Let's say. I'm having a bad week, physically flat or suffering one of those winter colds!! Do the regular grocery shop and I not see one single woman give me the smile or second look. And then whammo! Great mood. Fit and health and little or no stress, same scene, shopping, woman, necks almost snapping a contest of who is going to get my attention first! In believable, as the op mentioned! I'm just me always! But when you've got your swagger, woman notice you, they stare at you like I'm a celebrity! Mutual feeling! We all have, on too many occasions wanted/ desired someone who simply had not even the slightest attraction to you! I know, I know. This is where I differ from a lot of my fellow man! Only feo the woman and conversations with different woman over time that I realized that a large percentage of men will wait silently nearby a woman they somewhat desire, what and maybe be that funny guy on FB! And as soon as any signs of the woman who I will add. Say " no way would I go for him, not even my type"...lol...... Sure ,sure. So anyway she emotional and down one day and this funny guy from high school years ago sees her distress call, conveniently pops round for coffee. And there is the rebound or persistent always asking and annoying, but eventually it pays off type . I can't do that! Its the one thing that makes me, when the three ingredients are in place, that woman is in no position to decline! In their words, they are over whelmed and trapped in the moment of ecstacy and primal passionate encounter. Oh and that's why I can't have a relationship with these woman! They think that I'm doing that to all woman! Oh the very thought as if I was......... Most, woman, whether they want to admit it or not! Will succumb to a strong handsome confident dominant man. Even if they are in a relationship!!!! I've been on both sides and understand this too well.... Enjoy the fruits of the earth, within reason! And leave the un workable, going against our natural rights monagamist relationships. I'm totally in tuned with my wants, needs and desires that if I don't partake in sexual activity for a year or two! I know when I do its all quality, in forgettable mind blowing rush!...Anything less for me seems like children's games!
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RHP User
9 years ago
I like your take on it. With some women the instant I meet I know I want them.(oh alright then............most women I meet)Seriously though that raises the question , is chemistry a two way thing?or can it just be experienced by one person?Actually I am more of a physics person.
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RHP User
9 years ago
its real its instantaneous its life altering its consuming its enthralling its dangerous its mind blowing its intoxicating Its what we search for in each and every one we meet, that connection it cant be bottled nor fully explained it cant be learnt or taught it is not always appreciated and mourned when lost And from my experience, cannot be sustained and can mask the real person and issues that arise but shit, why wouldn't you want to go there at least once ? And when you have found that one, that inspires that chemistry, that connection, you will look for them again and again, in every other person you ever meet and you may be fortunate again, maybe
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2'I often ponder why women associate respect with the period of time before you have sex. Because a lot of men still believe that a woman who will fuck them on the first date isn't 'relationship material'. So, women who want a relationship will often delay sex for that reason. It sucks that those archaic attitudes still exist but they do. We all know how some guys view the women here on RHP...fine to shag but they'd never take one home to meet mummy. The usual Madonna / Whore crap.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I understand. Others have said as such on here. I don't see why an exciting and experimental sex life is separate from LTR interests. Nor is it necessarily separate from certain personality types (sex can be of equal interest to the socialite, tattooed, extrovert as it can be to the nervous, nerdy librarian with the glasses). My ideal would be someone who one night might come out to swingers club with me, and the next day chill with family at a BBQ. That would certainly generate the sparks within myself for her :p - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Yeah, I'm the same, in fact that would be the only type I would consider a relationship with. If they're not sexual and kinky, they're not for me. Nice to hear a guy say that though, or the same drift👍 I actually believe it's a recipe for an unhealthy or unfulfilling sex life if formality re RL is placed before sexual long term compatability and guys in particular should be very careful using that method 😃
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2'I actually believe it's a recipe for an unhealthy or unfulfilling sex life if formality re RL is placed before sexual long term compatability and guys in particular should be very careful using that method 😃 Look how many guys are on RHP without the knowledge of their partner. Not talking about those that are here because of things like illness that affected their partner's libido or their ability to have sex, but the ones who went for the so-called 'good girl', knowing that they were sexually incompatible, then surprise surprise 10 years down the track they're complaining that their sex life is shit. I had a FB who had recently broken up with his GF and moved here from interstate, constantly talked about how bored he'd been with their sex life, and how she wouldn't leave him alone now and just move on. A few months after we ceased contact I find out that he relented and got her to move up here, tells me it was because he was lonely. So, pretty good chance that in another 5 or 10 years he'll be back on the adult dating sites looking for something on the side because he's so sexually unfulfilled. I'm afraid I have no sympathy for those types of guys. If you know that sex is important to you but the sexual chemistry isn't there from the beginning of the relationship, don't be surprised when it causes big problems for you and your partner down the track.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Absolutely nailed it 👍👌
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RHP User
9 years ago
Where were you when I was getting married at 24! Sage advice but no need to hate someone just because you have been smart / lucky enough to avoid their shit situation.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Ms_Dragon' "Because a lot of men still believe that a woman who will fuck them on the first date isn't 'relationship material'. So, women who want a relationship will often delay sex for that reason. " People want to feel special and they aspire to be with someone special. (Ms)
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'RichardJohnsXX' Where were you when I was getting married at 24! Sage advice but no need to hate someone just because you have been smart / lucky enough to avoid their shit situation. Where did I say I hate them? We'd already stopped seeing each other, and anyway we were just FBs. It was of no consequence to me if they got back together. Having no sympathy for does not equal hate
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RHP User
9 years ago
I realised you're probably talking generally about men in that situation, but anyway the same still applies. I certainly don't hate them.
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Goodvintage
9 years ago
Instant chemistry usually has a physical basis and needs time to evolve and develop if seeking something long term. Stronger bonds are generated through a psychological and spiritual connection as partners learn more about each other...
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RHP User
9 years ago
When you least expect it, it hits you like a supersonic jet! Recently, over the space of three weeks, I met not one, but two men in the work context, that I was highly attracted to! The man I met yesterday ...it was electrifying! One look at him and I could feel myself blushing. :P I had to work with him for a while and OMG... my heart took flight and everything that could be perky, was perky. LOL! My body just instantly went into the "go ahead, green light" mode! =-D Unfortunately, he's married. Sigh... Chemistry propels you straight into the Lust mode! ;) It defies rationale and definitely cannot be learnt. Either there's chemistry, or there isn't. OK... need to relax... heart's beating too fast, too hard!
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RHP User
9 years ago
I suppose the question begs. What is the chemistry? Is it just your pure lust for the other person or is it the mutual attraction between people. We have all felt both. The lady I saw in the supermarket the other day had me humming. I went straight to man I want to bend you over the potatoes and have my wicked way with you. Not sure how appropriate that would have been though. :-) I have no idea if she felt the same. The cheeky smile I got back suggested she was at least attracted at some level to me.....she could have just had wind the more I think about. I've also had the mutual right there right now mutual attraction where there was lots of kissing and discreet playing in the club and we could hardly wait to get home kind of thing. That sort of chemistry is not a taught or learned thing. It's instinctual. It's primal and it feels freakin fantastic when it can be satiated. I was in a LTR with my wife. At first the sex was awesome. Every day morning noon and night for 6 months. Then in went. Replaced with lights off, don't touch that missionary. Really got me down and I'm sure was part of the wider issue not an issue in itself. So I'm exploring. Looking for that spark. That adrenaline. That high out of body sexual experience. Not sure when or where it will come from. Obviously the chemistry is the main part of that. As a side note. Any future long term partners will have to have that same sexual drive and desires to explore as me. I will never go back to a non sexual relationship.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Chemistry is either there or it's not. It's like getting butterflies in your belly feeling constantly. Your attracted to them both physically and mentally or your not. To me if you haven't captured my attention with your profile, messages and even within the adult forums then it's highly unlikely it will progress to a date. I don't think it's bad to get an opinion on what approach you have towards someone but its imperative that you stay true to yourself and if it's meant to be it will come naturally. - Posted from rhpmobile
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