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RHP

RHP User

M50

So you want try being a Submissive and looking for a Dom.

June 14 2016

First and foremost there are risks involved, and I am not just talking about the physical risks of impact play, rope bondage, knife play, fire play or even primal play. There are risks to your mental health too. And not just for subs, doms too can experience the pit falls of D/S play. Nobody is perfect, mistakes can be made by all parties, accidents can happen, and in regards to extreme types of play permanent injury or even death is not unheard of. While the chances of things like this happening are very, very rare, pushing your limits can have long term lasting effects. I don't want to scare anyone away from exploring BDSM, I am a Dom and I love it, but you need to be aware of what you are getting into so that these kind of things can be avoided. When all the right steps are taken it can be a very rewarding experience, with deeper connections between partners than most in the vanilla world will never see. The other really important thing to remember is that the dynamic between you and your Dom does not have to be this way or that way, there is a broad spectrum of types of play and different levels of commitment. Every Dom and Sub is different, what they are into varies and what they want from a partner is as individual as you and I. Some will want full time, 24/7 dedication to the lifestyle while others only want to keep it in the bedroom. Everything about the dynamic between yourself and a partner is open for negotiation, and should not be set in stone because people change. This may mean you are no longer compatible but that happens in any relationship, couples can break up whether BDSM is involved or not. I won't go into detail about all the options because there are so many, Daddy/Little, Master/Slave, Predator/Prey, these aren't even the tip of the ice burg. The point here is that you have options and you shouldn't settle for something that does not work for you, in the long run if it's not right the relationship will break down anyway. What should you do before approaching a Dom? This is probably easier said than done but you do need to try and work out what it is that you really want. If you are unsure and want to explore then you need to be upfront about that. Knowing you want to explore is enough as long as it really is what you are after. Saying you want to be a slave simply because a Dom you have met wants that and you think he is hot is only going to lead to trouble down the track when you realise it's not actually what you wanted and isn't making you happy. Do as much research as you possibly can, talk to Doms and other Subs about their experiences, read through some of the materials online, watch some BDSM videos. These will help narrow down your likes and dislikes, your hard limits from your wild turn ons. Don't be afraid to engage others in the community for guidance and assistance, you will find that the BDSM community is very welcoming, understanding, and more than willing to help. How to approach a Dom. This is really simple and a very short answer. Approach a Dom like you would any other normal person. Doms are human and want what everyone else wants. To be treated with respect, common courtesy and civility. Just say hi! We don't bite without gaining consent first. :P What should you expect before any play? Discussion, discussion and then some more discussion. Everything that can be negotiated should be talked about before any play happens. It is critical to ensure that both the Dom and Sub are fully aware of what the other wants. You have to be as open as you possibly can from the very start, this is where the whole honesty, openness, and trust that you hear so many talk about in D/S relationships is first established. While the way that this is done may be different from Dom to Dom, it must happen in one form or another. Personally I will use what is called a BDSM check list and ask about your physical and mental health. Yes they are very personal questions but so is a D/S relationship. If a certain type of play might trigger memories of bad experiences from your past then your Dom needs to know well beforehand so they can avoid it. Play is meant to be fun and enjoyable, not a walk through of your past traumatic experiences. At the same time things like safe words and hand signals should be established. This whole process of getting to know each other before play is called Pre-care. It is too risky to play without taking these measures first. Mid care, After care and Post care. A lot of caring going on right? And for damn good reason. Mid care is when your Dom checks up on you during play, again how this is done will vary greatly, but you can expect them to ask you things like what the safe word was, what the hand signals are etc. They are done to ensure that you are ok with what is happening and you are still able to communicate. Yep during play a Sub can hit what is know as sub space, where nothing else exists and it is only what is happening right there and then. A this point is likely that a Sub can be unresponsive and very easy for a Dom to push too far. If a Sub is unable to say the safe word or use hand signals how can they tell you that it hurts too much. Getting the right balance here for a Dom really takes intimately knowing what the their sub can and can't handle, plus being able to read a Subs responses to whatever is happening. There is a difference between a pleasurable ouch meaning the Dom has hit the right level to maintain the Sub in sub space, and a that hurts too much ouch indicating that the Dom has gone too hard and pushed beyond what is pleasurable for the Sub. This can change on a daily basis for some Subs, what was considered not hard enough yesterday might be too much today. Mid care is very Important. After care and Post care are things that are done after the play is over. After care being straight after play, things like cuddling, telling a sub how well she did, making sure sugary drinks and snacks are available, and letting a Sub know how much they pleased their Dom might sound like the Dom is being a big softy but if it's not done there can be serious consequences for the Sub. Failing to do so can put the Sub in a depressive state commonly called sub drop. No different to regular depression with all its horrible affects that come with it... ie not fun anymore. Post care is about keeping in touch with the Sub and checking up on them in the days following play. The reason for this is because sub drop can occur many days later. Caring for your Dom. I did say D/S is a two way street right? And mentioned that Doms are humans yeah? Well there is a thing called Dom Drop and The Monster Complex. Dom drop is very similar to sub drop, Doms need to know that you enjoyed the play and you appreciate them. Just like any other human, Doms need that reassurance that everything is ok otherwise they too can end up in a depressive state. The highs for a Dom are just as great as those for a Sub and the crashes can be just as low. On top of this there is a thing called the monster complex. I have experienced this personally. It's when a Dom looks at their own sadistic and controlling behavior and starts to question their own desires to be that way. Accepting that you take pleasure from someone else's pain is not as easy to deal with as one might think. Why am I so sadistic? Why am I sexually aroused by hearing a girl scream in pain? I am a F#&$ing monster! These kinds of thoughts can bring a Dom crashing down very hard and accepting that they are the way they are and that is ok can be a massive struggle. So what makes one type of play ok and another not. SSC, Safe, Sane, and Consensual. There are other ways to analyse whether play should proceed but SSC is the most commonly used. Is it safe? Is all parties involved of their right mind? (ok this bit is a little hard :P) And is everything that is about to happen agreed to by everyone? Ask these questions first and generally speaking any risks will become evident quickly and any changes to play that might be required can be done beforehand.... or failing a positive answer or solution the pin should be pulled altogether. I am sure there is a ton of things that I have missed and probably could continue writing for ages, but this should at least give you a good head start at knowing what you are signing up for. These are just some of the things a good Dom should already know and something I strongly recommend looking for in a Dom when deciding on who you want to play with. Happy Hunting... wait that's what primal Doms do.... Good luck with your search and keep it safe. :D

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I have spoken with many self appointed doms online. I am fascinated by the dynamics of d/s relationships. But their explanation of their experiences usually just focus on safe words or along the lines of that Mr Gray disney character. Attending fetish venues like hellfire and empire, I am drawn to the intimacy of the after care, especially the shibari bondage unraveling. To me, its the focal point of the whole experience, and you explained it well. I am only a voyour in this area. But I do appriciate understanding the bond and connection from people who are involved in it. Not just reading about it on google. Thanks for your post.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    A woman after my own heart ... I can't explain the eroticism and intimacy of shibari for me as well! As a switch, I've yet to find a Dom :) Thank you OP, I just hope people don't use your wise words to 'act' the Dom, that's far more dangerous for me :) Mary xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Very interesting and well presented. Thanks OP Mrs LAL - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    While ground work isn't too difficult it still needs a fair bit of practice to get the rope tension and knots right. Suspension on the other hand is a hell of a lot more difficult. The thing is if you want to get good at being a rope top you really need a live in bunny and many hours of practice. On the topic of Disney Doms (this is going to be my new term for what I used to call instadoms) I hope this post actually makes them think a bit harder about what they are doing. I have heard far too many horror stories and it's usually from girls on dating sites rather than those who get involved in the community first. On another note I had a massive argument with a sub once about my precare process, she claimed I didn't know what I was doing because her old Dom never did any of the steps I take. Not 3 weeks later she was posting on forums about how she had a really bad experience with a new Dom. So somethings a Dom asks you might seems very personal and you might not get why they need to know but I can assure you there is a good reason behind it. If you want to test a Doms experience ask questions like what the difference is between light floggers and canes and the heavier versions. If you really want to get technical ask about the different constructions of floggers and how they affect the results. I won't give the answers here so Disney Doms can't cut and paste the answers. :P

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  • twowithnolimits

    twowithnolimits

    10 years ago

    A word of warning.... Textbook doms can be as colourless, boring, unimaginitive and predictable as Disney Dom's

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    But I did notice the comments about Shibari bondage. I have seen a lot of Shibari bondage, mainly at HF, and I can appreciate the artistic element of it but as a turn on - no don't get it. For me the process is too slow and I know I would get bored. Same as being totally wrapped like a mummy. I did meet a man once into that. His partner would take three hours to totally wrapp him up while he was suspended in the air. Then she would unwrap him. He loved it. Sorry, I think I may have gone off topic.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Hoping this is not directed at me. :/ The information provided here is not about what actually happens during play. Just a guide to the steps needed to ensure play is safe, how these are implemented is up to the Dom in charge and creativity is a strong part of that. And I would have to strongly disagree that a textbook Dom is just as dangerous as your post seems to infer. Textbook Dom might be as boring as all hell for an experienced Sub but the likely hood of them screwing things up is far less than one that doesn't take any of this into consideration. This post is directed and intended for those with no experience whatsoever as the title suggests. If as an experienced Sub you don't want to follow these guides that is your choice. But I can assure you that even though it may not seem like any of this is in play during your sessions it is still more than likely running in the back of your doms mind. The only difference being how it happens and what spin and creative flare the Dom has put on it. Maybe it's the way you have worded it but to suggest its as dangerous is very misleading. Boring maybe but in no way as dangerous as a Dom who doesn't keep these guides in mind.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    But the dynamics will never be the same with any 2 ppl. How can it be? its so individual.So its rather pointless trying to replicate what you had with another person. I love domination but not the physical side. Im a suggestive/verbal head fucker. I have no interest in being flogged or flogging anyone. But Ive been dominated to the point of being told when I could cum. And believe me, it wouldnt happen until he told me I could. Thats the power of the mind. And thats what fascinates me. There are so many layers to it all.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    As a Primal Dom edge play is where I get the most pleasure but there is no way in hell you will get me to agree to push such limits with a new or inexperienced Sub. I want to be 200% sure that a Sub is comfortable with that and know if by chance I do go too far it's 1. Not going to scar a sub for life and force them to pull out of the scene, and 2. The Sub is not going to start screaming violation of consent and making claims of abuse. I am happy to push limits aside but when it comes to how far I will go... I will stop before I do permanent damage and you won't even know the reasons why. Honestly I have not met a Sub to date who is truly able to go as far as I would like. And even if I did meet one that was willing I wouldn't if I had any concerns that they couldn't handle it.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Totally agree with you, hence why I tried to get that message across in my original post. D/S does not have to be one way or another. There are so many options and finding the right Dom who wants the same things is very important.

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  • twowithnolimits

    twowithnolimits

    10 years ago

    so many layers...yes in deed, the physical, the psychological, the theatrical, the emotional........

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Lets get one thing straight for anyone else reading this thread. This is not something I have made up myself. This is the information I have been provided by my mentors who have been in the scene for decades. While these guides may sound like it is a copy and past process. They are applied differently for each situation, but they are always there and used by Doms. As Sub you might not even know it's happening, and a Dom will strive to achieve this.... that's part of being a Dom. Stoping mid scene to do mid care checks will drop a sub out of sub space instantly. So it is up to the Dom to find a way that keeps the scene following and maintains the state of euphoria for the entire time of play. It actually gets up my nose when a sub turns around and says things like "it's boring if they follow those rules". That is actually the individual Doms fault. And there is the difference between a good Dom and a bad one. All these kind of comments point out to me personally is that the sub who says these kind of things really has no idea what is going through a Doms head before, during and after play. It makes zero difference what type of play is happening, again it's just applied differently. It's nice to be ignorant of the process, that is part of a Doms job. If a Dom is not making the scene flow without interruption then they have failed. And if you don't see it happen then the Dom is right on the money and doing a damn good job. You can say it boring and shouldn't happen during your play sessions as much as you like, but it does and should and not be noticeable to the Sub. Yeah so textbook Doms are boring.... Yawn. When a Dom doesn't keep these guides in mind you will be the first to cry foul. I have seen this over and over again.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I would rather a text book dom than a wanna be dom any day. Its a very dangerous world to dabble in when you are playing with someone who has no idea what they are doing.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Already there has been relplies to this thread that point out clearly that everyone has different things they are and aren't into. This is why the 'textbook' precare is so important. Don't take every measure you can to run through it and you can very quickly and very easily find yourself standing in a court of law trying to explain why you did what you did. Or at the very least be in some hot water with the rest of the bdsm community. Your reputation is everything, one too many mistakes your name will be mud and you'll struggle to ever find another sub. Precare is not just about looking after a subs needs, it is there to cover your arse just as much. Again fail to follow these guides and you just might find yourself slammed with accusations that you can't defend against. It has happened and does happen often enough that it should be a concern for you. All it takes is one sub with a vandetta against you because you broke up with them to spread some rumors and you are screwed. The cops come knocking at your door and your life is ruined whether you actually did anything wrong or not. This has happened very recently to a well respected Dom, while he managed to protect himself from prosecution against the false claims, he still lost his job. Everyone in his vanilla life found out about what he gets up to and was shunned by his own family and friends outside of the kink world. While it might be very rare for this to occur, it can happen so take those steps in the beginning and if you are innocent you have the evidence and nothing to worry about. Everyone has their limits and don't let a sub tell you otherwise. If they insist they don't then you can use some tricks to get them to really think about it before you engage in any kind of play. What I like to do when a Sub comes to me and says she has no limits is to suggest some really extreme play. Now the following are all on my hard limits list but they are truly a good wake up call for anyone that says they are up for anything. *So you are cool with me strapping you down to the table, getting my medical tools (which I actually don't own any of) and start peeling back your skin. *No limits awesome, so you have no problem with me punching you in the face. *Great lay down on the floor and open your mouth, I need to take a dump. Be very careful with what you suggest though, these are actual things that people get up to so you might be very surprised when they say yes and you really don't want to shame anyone for their kinks. The better method is to use bdsm check lists. They have everything on them. Read through it first to work out what your hard limits are before giving one to a potential sub. The point I am trying to make is that when a sub approaches you saying they have no limits it is more than likely the case that they just haven't really been exposed to how extreme it can get. The risk for a Dom is you just might be into heavier play than they are and without taking the precare steps to begin with you could end up in serious trouble. The term no limits should throw up red flags and extra care really needs to be taken. The other major pit fall is a thing called Sub Frenzy. When I sub first starts to play they can get over excited and want to try everything. This is really bad. Why? Because they won't give themselves the time to really think about what they are asking for. Give it to them and you could be facing serious sub drop and that is no good for the sub and a hell of a lot of work for you to help them pull through it. And thats only the best case scenario. If you encounter this slam on the brakes and say no, not yet. Give them time to think it over before proceeding with any requests from your sub. Don't want to scare the new Doms but you have to look after your own interests as much as the interests of your sub otherwise it can get very messy.

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  • Tenacious_Des

    Tenacious_Des

    10 years ago

    Excellent discussion.I have only started being a Dom. Yes, you don't instantly become a Master with a Slave or a Top with a Bottom, a Dom with a Sub. We all have to start somewhere. Including the Dom.As a new found interest, I educated myself by joining a site called Fetlife, attending some munches and also classes at Studio Kink in Sydney. Yes, classes. I learnt about warming up, after care, health issues, blood sugar levels, safe play etc. You have to acquire this knowledge. Domination is not something you can do by just grabbing someone by the throat, spanking them and demanding they do as you say. Thats not it at all. In fact, often it is not even necessarily sexual. It can be role play. Even denial is tantalising. I just had a session with a first time sub. Well, she had been dominated before, but it was an experience that I would' t consider caring or even safe. It was a self appointed Dom, a sadist to say the least and sounded like he had no experience except for rough play. After my session with this new sub, which only happened after much discussion of boundaries and building of trust, she gave me a glowing review on said website and is coming back for more. I was flattered and relieved. It was also new territory for me. And you need someone consensual to practice and play with. For each of you to learn, together, or for future partners. You need their feedback to know how far to go and what works or what doesn't. Kink is supposed to be mutually satisfying. I am learning that I am not in to humiliation and degradation. But I enjoy the role play of BDSM and seeing the pleasure my sub takes from it. Spanking, caning, paddles and flogging can be fantastic. But you need to read signals. Body worship is great. As I mentioned, this area, though it has been hibernating for some time, is relatively new to me. I still wasn't sure if I was Sub or Dom. I now realise I identify as Switch. I like both. In fact to test my own boundaries I found a Mistress on another site and had the most appalling disastrous experience from yet another, so called, self appointed Dominatrix. I am new to the scene and even I saw she didn't know what she was doing. It was horrible. So I ended up saving up and investing in a Pro Dom session at a Sydney dungeon. Best thing I have done in years. This place (this is not an advert) is highly professional, super clean, non judgemental and very respectful. Pro Doms are not uncommon on the scene and they are very good at what they do. Not necessarily "full service", mine wasn't. They are Doms, not prostitutes. My spanking was wonderful, the intensity and pain threshold was quite high. When we moved to caning (thickest, entry level cane) it damn we'll hurt big time! I loved being flogged. On my back. I was asking for more, which I got until Mistress decided it was strong enough for a first session. That combined with a sensual session of foot, body, pussy worship, just gave me an insight as to what it is like to be the bottom in a relationship like this. It makes you a better Top I think. One day I hope to reach sub space myself. Level 5-6? In the meantime I will keep researching the Doms mantra and responsibilities. And also check my first aid procedure. Yes, it is important to be prepared for any situation, especially with newbies. Thanks for the good thread. I'll be following this.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Thanks for the great imput Tenacious_Des. I am trying to explain all of this stuff but I feel will be writing a book before I am done. :D Yes I too attended BDSM workshops and classes, spent about 8 months just going to events and talking to other Doms and Subs before I took on my first sub. I have been refraining from listing other sites here so as not to upset the moderators but there are plenty. I can be found on the one you mentioned but under a different name. And First Aid knowledge is super handy for a Dom to have in his bag of tools. Very important people. The number of times I have seen it be necessary I can't count. One of my previous subs had a habit of blacking out during rope play. It happened twice and then had to really back off on the intensity so it didn't happen again. The recover position is super helpful in these kind of situations.

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  • Lovinit28andKC72

    Lovinit28andKC72

    10 years ago

    Doesn't necessarily only happen because the aftercare was good enough or not received at all. My drop usually happens on day 2/3 after play and I receive the best aftercare possible. I think it has more to do with the endorphins and adrenaline that kicks in during a play session taking you into that sub space. It then takes quite a while for all these natural chemicals and hormones to balance back out in your body. It's also good to know that Dom's/Tops can also experience drops. For me, I know that my play sessions are quite extremely, I push myself to please my Sir, he pushes me because he knows I want to be pushed and that I'm crave to give him what he needs and wants. I couldn't and don't play this way with anyone else. I need the emotional connection we share, It's me giving myself to him, it's the most important thing to me and it wouldn't be the same without emotional connection. 💋

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Thanks for your input. I have experienced this as well in terms of a sub dropping no matter how much after care is given. I suppose this fits into post care and keeping and eye on your sub days later. I hope you and your Dom have at least worked out some way to try and minimise this. I don't know if it will necessarily make any difference but exercise has the same affect on the body in terms of chemical release. It might minimise the drop, a light workout in the following days could be the solution. Not saying it will definitely work but an option to look into.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    but I always go by my gut !! Tho I find it hard to find people to play but I'm really picky so I rather not play but if I want to learn about anything on BDSM and fettishes , I use fetlife a fettish website Some people have told me they don't know how to use fetlife , i find the more groups you join the more easier to learn from it and also use fetlife as a reference tool , But I love seeing the shibari photos on fetlife main page I reckon I would enjoy being a live in rope bunny !!! I love rope !! I'm a bit of a rope bunny ! Just wish I got to play with it more

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  • Albert01

    Albert01

    10 years ago

    Suggest you take the knife play out of the discussion it is a long way left of where a respect from a good Dom should be - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Quoting 'Willow_1' But the dynamics will never be the same with any 2 ppl. How can it be? its so individual.So its rather pointless trying to replicate what you had with another person. I love domination but not the physical side. Im a suggestive/verbal head fucker. I have no interest in being flogged or flogging anyone. But Ive been dominated to the point of being told when I could cum. And believe me, it wouldnt happen until he told me I could. Thats the power of the mind. And thats what fascinates me. There are so many layers to it all. That's the reason i hadn't responded here so far. That head space is something that can't be put into text, is just happens with the right person and it fuckin rocks. All the props and whips and hardware, yeah whateva, the head shits all over it

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Liquid Silver, great information so thanks for the thread. I'm amazed in these forums how helpful information or people trying to reach out for help get so many negative and destructive comments. For those who do that, perhaps use your energy and time more wisely. I am both a sub and a counselling professional working with people in alternative lifestyles and teaching people about sensuality and the basics of alternative lifestyles. I certainly don't know everything and never will but some basic information is always fantastic, as is someone understanding to talk to. Not everyone will agree with everything they read or hear but as you say the dynamics of any relationship are as different as you and I so take any information or comments as just someones opinion and take the time to form your own opinion and make good choices for you. From personal experience it has been a long and sometimes difficult journey with my Dom, including lengthy times apart. We are still working on it and I am lucky enough to be with a Dom who wants more than just the sex so that is taking a back seat at the moment. It's interesting though that my Dom taking a step back from the sex side of things has made me trust him so much more and feel very close to him. This has strengthened our overall relationship and has made me far more open to letting go of what I had previously thought of as hard limits or just never thought they would excite me. I am now really excited about trying new things that I know will please him. Yes I know this is part of being a submissive but I'm far happier and content about it than I was before. I am very excited to extend both our relationship and play into new areas so bring it on. This does show that things evolved. Time, play and communication (or lack there of) will either make you closer or make your realise perhaps you are not a great match after all and whilst it may have been fun for awhile it is not something that lasts. This is OK too as experimenting and experiencing new things is always good if consensual even if it doesn't work out in the long run and sexuality is certainly more fluid than most people think. For newbies let me be very clear that I am with a trained and experienced Dom, he knows exactly what he is doing, what will and won't leave makes and to the day how long they will last. He always has a plan for everything in every part of his life even if he doesn't share it with me and it has taken me a long time to trust in that and just go with it. I'm constantly amazed by his knowledge and accuracy but very few people who call themselves a Dom would have this level of knowledge so please be very very careful before handing yourself over to someone. Absolutely everyone has limits as Liquid Silver suggests and they may be mental, physical or emotional but they will always be there, sometimes hiding from your conscious thought until they are reached or pushed so please be careful. Communication is even more important in a D/s relationship than in a normal one. It is one way to force communication into a relationship and I think sometimes this is a prime motivator for trying a different lifestyle and I have seem many times relationships improve not really because of the sex but because they feel so much closer because of the communication. There are professionals who can assist if you are thinking about BDSM or any alternate lifestyle. No matter what role you think you might like to take on it is well worth seeing and talking to someone about it first as well as doing your research. This might be a professional or just others who have experience they are willing to share. No relationship is perfect so don't expect to be a perfect sub, I'm far from it but also don't expect a Dom to be perfect either. Yes indeed they are human first and foremost and respect from both sides is very important just as forgiveness is. I think it is also important to note that delving into the physical side of things should not be used to avoid dealing with genuine and important emotions. It can be a welcome escape from your regular world but when all is said and done any outstanding emotions that may be behind your engaging in these activities will still be there when the play is over and can vastly affect the way you process things after. The sub drop discussions have been great and new and experienced subs and Dom should really take note of these things - always good to be reminded of the basics. If you are going to do it please examine your motives, needs, wants and do a risk assessment to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons that will enhance your life and relationships.

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  • twowithnolimits

    twowithnolimits

    10 years ago

    I am always wary of dorothy dixers, what motivates someone to pose a question for which they have already prepared and then present the answer? Would it not be better and more honest to say " i wish to share my personal views on the subject of being a dom" rather than present it is an authoritative response to a presumed question? @Liquid i see in your own post you acknowledge that there are many variations and that no two couples are the same, which i totally agree with but then you proceed to write a very didactic handbook on the correct way to do things, this to me seems contradictory.? @I-touch totally agree about the head space, the first and foremost element of any successful D/s, and since the relationship is borne of the mind and imagination then no amount of policy, procedure and text can capture or define or regulate it. @doit, do i presume the long times apart are due to work? Would this have not meant you were already accustomed to a non sexual D/s relationship? I note your comment " I am lucky enough to be with a Dom who wants more than just the sex " which would seem to infer that sex has to be and always is a component of D/s when clearly many types of D/s relationship do not involve sex or where the sex is a separate element of the relationship??In my own experience people often have many misconceptions about the place of sex in D/s relationships. Remember.... The authoritative and knowledgeable in the music industry told the Beatles they would never make it... The authoritative and knowledgeable in the sport of boxing told Mohammed Ali that he was finished if he dropped the name Cassius Clay...... The authoritative and knowledgeable in relationship counselling told people their homosexuality could be "cured" by electro shock therapy and other distasteful treatments The authoritative in the art world ridiculed Vincent Van Gough in his lifetime..... Best be wary of the authoritative types we're a dodgy lot LOL

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    To start with these guides are NOT my personal views and NOT of my own authority. It is what I have been taught by my mentors, in the workshops and classes I have attended, and the views of the BDSM community in its majority. I did not create it, only sharing knowledge that has been given to me. The only things personal here is that I agree with it 100% and the way I chose to write it. While it may seem contradictory to say everyone is different but you should do it this way, it truly isn't. This guide was developed by the community to be a broad guide that can be applied to whole spectrum of BDSM play. Whether its, mental, physical, daddy/little or primal play makes very little difference to the core concepts. The principals are the same, it is only the way it is applied that varies. Even this paragraph is not my personal views alone, I am only reiterating what I have been taught and again the only thing personal is that I agree. I will say though that I find your questioning of the honesty of my post and my motivations for writing it in the first place mildly offensive. While it is highly possible that the language I have used could be improved, you can say that about anything anybody has ever written. To be critical of such serves no purpose what so ever and only comes across as an attempt to discredit the author. My motivation here is very simple, I was bored and decided to do something constructive with my time rather than sit here twiddling my thumbs. There is no point me writing such a piece on somewhere like fetlife because it has been done over and over again by people with a hell of a lot more experience than I. On dating sites like this however there are many that don't even know such sites exist. Furthermore it is usually the new people to the scene who aren't on said sites that need the information the most. I have said it previously in one of my replies and I will say it again. I have found that the people that get into the most trouble with BDSM play are more than likely to be here on dating sites than on dedicated BDSM sites and I have seen it far too many times to sit back and do nothing about it. Yes it may be out of the ordinary for people to do things that aren't self serving but it does happen. :P

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    LOL. Plenty of respect given for good knife play from the primals, predator and prey. :D

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    Assumptions and expectations can be dangerous for any relationship. As I said I was just sharing opinion and no-one needs to agree with anyone here. I know I certainly don't have the time nor want to take up the space giving every possibility and explanation. As for your questions. Our times apart have been for lots of reasons, both our lives are complicated and busy, time and space can often be helpful regardless of the reasons that came about in order to clarify and solidify what you are both after and what the worth of the relationship is to each of you. We met on this site so sex was an initial inference in the relationship from the start. I did not discuss previous relationships and have no intention of doing so. But as for this one, it has developed into something much more than just sex which was surprising, scary and wonderful all at the same time (as not what both of us thought we were looking for - you never know where or when you will find the right person). I in no way inferred that sex was an essential element in any D/s or any relationship for that matter, merely sharing my own current experience. We all go into relationships for different reasons and they often take turns we don't expect. I used that reference due to the website we are on. Sex is a big part of the this site and I was not here to give a full lesson on D/s relationships. That would take a long time and I'd still miss bits, impossible not to. As both Liquid Silver and I have both stated everything and everyone is as different as you and I and that's all it's meant to be taken as - an individuals opinion and experience - nothing more. There is no "normal" in a D/s relationship, no set rules and no right or wrong. It is just a relationship like any other with its ups and downs. Sometime we can cope on our own and sometimes its good to find help either via information, our personal support systems or professionally, again all personal choices. Getting back to the original thread - I think - safety first and communication everyone. There are lots of resources online you can use and read if you are interested, you will need to make your own decisions about what you believe, use and want to be involved in. As they saying goes - Just because it's on the news doesn't make it true.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    10 years ago

    I am sure I have read that exact same post before - just not sure where!And yes it is a good first guide - but in my experience nothing beats the good old "gut feeling" If you ignore it because you are horny, drunk, or otherwise distracted you will find yourself having a very mediocre or even dangerous encounter

    reply

  • Cq_cplPlay

    Cq_cplPlay

    9 years ago

    Interesting reading throughout this topic...My only input that may only be worth 2 cents is...enter with eyes wide open, dont talk big to impress, be open with your experiences and desires, uphold your limits unless you are with someone that is trusted or you feel that you wish to try (never be bullied into anything)Be safe!!!! yes use SSC or for those that are experienced RACK.Find Munches to start off with and talk, for the most of the BDSM community people are welcoming, warm and very much like you in life. However as i said keep your eyes open, there are many that claim position and experience and can cause harm.

    reply

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