F60
Thought for the Day
May 06 2008
Comments
-
RHP User
18 years ago
viking losing people is much harder than one would think...20 yrs of teaching and doing camps and no matter how bloody hard we tried ..do you think any of the little darlings would play the game and nick off......NO chance!!!!! so depressing...lol therefore i must say that while losing one is careless...not being able to lose one is...??????........ bit like a firey who cant light a fire!!! sorry vb if this gets in before mutty and hagz but they must be slow if i beat em...lol...get ya shit together guys.....slipping mutty!!! :) probably not real funny and doubt it will cause ya to get ya knickers wet but hey.....if i am first is worth it!!!!!! lava xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
I just found this post !! ......AND its late........Gotta comeback tomorrow ,,, "BUT".....If this is a feel the sand between ya fukkin toes free for all,, KINDA post ..then its gonna be your fault not mine !!! My imaginations starting to spin already............... ~~~Horrible~~~
-
RHP User
18 years ago
On a very inebriated evening at one of Viking's wild parties, Hagar had an occasion to think that Mutual was embracing religion, as it appeared he had set up a shrine to the Holy Father in Viking's loo. But in reality Viking had added too much fibrous fruit and alcohol to the punch, that the strongly fermented fluid was acting like a powerful diuretic. Mutual and Hagar became regular patrons at this most popular font of liquid refreshment. But all Hagar could hear whilst pointing his 'Percy' at the porcelain was Mutual urgently calling out "Good Lord, are you still in there?" as he kept a constant vigil at the bathroom door.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
this may or may not be funny depends on your humour but it's an old favorite of mine... "you can't have everything...where the fuck would you put it" DJ
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Sarcasm... hmm oh hang on im a barbie doll i cant think, silly me!!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
in an emergency, holding a cat by the tail and swinging it around your head makes a usefull replacement for a terrorist siren. note; ginger toms can only be used in this role in the 1st week after the new moon.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
The little hairy monkey dances away... Why are all parrots taught to say "Who's a pretty boy, then" when they are usually named Polly??? Doesn't this suggest that they are female??? A recent excerpt from a popular medical journal..."As a doctor workin in an operating theatre, I would just like to reassure my patients that I NEVER look at their tits OR fannies when they are un-conscious, esp' if they're ulgy!??!?" What right have cows got to decide when it rains..I often seen them lying down ina field with knowing looks on their faces...bovine KNUTS The Jehovah witnesses recently navigated my steep driveway, on FOOT, I must add!?!? and gave me a leaflet saying that "GOD is good"....it seems poor praise for the creator of ALL things, doesn't it!?!? Why does my mornin toast ALWAYS land caviar side down if I drop it. Why is it that, (apparently) I'm supposed to leave a carbon footprint of 12 tons per year...surely theres some mistake as I NEVER use carbon and opt for petrol, gas and electricity. The odd sock thingie (topical, eh)...why, on emptying your washing machine is there ALWAYS on odd number of sox...actually, I'm lying there because I've neither put anything ina washing machine, OR, indeed taken anything out of one, so how the FUKK would I know, hehehehe ~~F~~ **SHIT(eth) to do(eth), maybeeeeee**
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up. The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample". The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow" When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?" The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white? A: So men can tell if they are coming or going. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday Q: How does a man know when he is leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: When one guy says to another, "Nice dick." Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q : Why do scotsmen have blue willies? A : Because they are tight fisted wankers. Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Pepper spray will do that to you. Q: Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor? A: Because they are in them. Q: How does a woman know the man is cheating on her? A: He starts bathing twice a week. Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator. Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50? A: Nudity Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage. A: They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He was getting into everybody's hair. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the hell out of the seeing dog. Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10 Explanation: 1 to screw it and 9 to form the support group to justify why there were no sexual implications in the act of screwing.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q. How do blind parachutists know when its time to pull the rip cord? A. When the lead on their guide dog goes slack. Q. What's the difference between a West Australian and a ham sandwich? A. Ham sandwich is only this l____________l thick... Nanny, good work, I've read a lot of those before and still get a chuckle. Lava, when you die, I want your sense of humour lol. When I started this thread though, I was kind of looking for deep and meaningful thoughts to use in our everyday life.... things like... Why is abbreviation such a long word? Y'kno... LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERY QUESTIONS. But I love the contributions bar one so far, thanks people, keep 'em comin'... Still waiting for Hagz... however, this could take a while.. takes the old fella time to get going these days... Ahhh, decreptitude... what a wonderful thing to look forward to. Viking xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Quoting today's The Sydney Morning Herald Blog: Ask Sam Benjamin Franklin reckoned you should "keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards," while even Socrates mused, "If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Just cancelled me post , waaaaaaaaay ova the top ,, it was in the best interest of the general public !!!........AN its fukkin late again,, be back 2morra ,, so wait ,, dont leave without ME you fukkas !!! ~~~Horrible~~~
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. All good things come to an end, but some mediocre things seem to last a very long time. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? Why don't they make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture. Did you hear Lorena Bobitt was killed as a result of an automobile accident?! Some dick cut her off!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Alright then....! I believe in "Inner beauty" If it's in 'er, bewdy!!!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
VB great thread honey but hey, nothing like naming and putting the pressure on. Don't know if I can make you wet yourself laughing but here goes. If I decide 2morro its not funny enough, well, too fukkin bad probably. If thinking is so easy, how come I get headache when I do it? That's not my thought for the day, its merely an observation. Have you ever wondered why anyone would voluntarily go and see Psycho THE RAPIST or his brother Physio THE RAPIST? ( Could this be why my head hurt?)) My thoughts for the day come from "Be Good to Yourself Therapy" and highlight how inane self help books can be. "Trust yourself, you know what you want and need." Yeah well how the fark do I get it? "Put yourself first." I know a few men who've read this one and apply it in the bedroom. "Let your feelings be known. They are important." Yeah? to whom? "Express your opinions. Its good to hear yourself talk" Think I'll use that one next time some idiot is expressing views that I don't want to listen to. And my favourite so far . . . . . . . . "when you're sad, think about what would be comforting" don't they know thinking gives me a farkin headache FFS. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH now thhis one has got to be the best one yet for a sex site "When you feel alone, know there are people who want to be with you. Fantasize what it would be like to be with each of them" or all of them mmmmmm orgy Can't write any more, and do women masturbate more when they get older? yep cos they're fantasizing about all those people they want to be with. Cheers Wild ERNESS
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Methinks the ol' fella is bereft of words of wisdom. Too much time picken' ya nose and eventually ya brain (?) will fall out, or has it already... was THAT what ya wiped on the tablecloth???? Why do cows have horns? Shouldn't that just be all the bulls? *AND* How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if he didn't have any arms???? ay?... ay?... c'mon all you learned fukkas out there.... answer me that one... OR... How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if he questioned the motivation behind said chucking of said wood??? Would he need a target? or a round table discussion of his peers to give him the confidence to throw the first piece of timber??? Viking Oh my fukken god... I need a life... or me pills... HEY DOC! can I have some more of them little blue ones and a coupla yella ones...
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q:what do you say to a woman with two black eyes A: nothing, shes already been told twice
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Well he werent really a loved one but we all loved him. Ya see we were doin a gig in the country and it was one o them festivals, so peoples everywhere......................Did the show............Packed it up........got on the piss..........Woke up the next morn, everyone in the Tarago.......Head count, put ya hand up if ya not here, no hands went up, we're all here.......To the airport my good man.......In the plane and home, Simon don't spare the fukkin seagulls..............Good flight home, got on the piss, got to the airport, saw his missus standin there and it was then we realised, we werent all there, in the Tarago to start with............Neva mind, he showed up 2 days later. BTW we had his suitcase and all his clothes......He had to borrow a t shirt and pair of jeans, from the guy drivin the semi. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Was a fukkin good show.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
I'll marry you tomorrow but let's honeymoon tonight. At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help. I'm so miserable without you it's like having you here. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun! Honk If you want to see my finger. Keep honking while I reload. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. If I had shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now. Still miss you baby, but my aims getting better. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. People like you are the reason people like me need medication. Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. Lord, if you won't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat! If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Constipated people don't give a crap. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. When choosing between two evils I always like to go for the one I've never tried before. Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $10. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you! First things first, but not necessarily in that order. Few women admit their age, few men act it. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Don't take life so seriously; it's not permanent. I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
some from my mum.. god bless her cotton socks.. Marriage is full of give and take He gives and you take Marry for money the first time and love the second time round.. Curious thing is.. with six daughters.. we all failed her If you understand everything, you must be misinformed. Before you can score you must first have a goal Work? yeah i tried that once.. worse 7 minutes of my life Uanswered Questions Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out of its nose How do you treat someone who is addicted to therapy? Is a fly without wings called a walk? Why are 'wise men' and a 'wise guy' opposites? Can you get cornered in a round room If something 'goes without saying' why do people keep saying it? If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you are up to. If two wrongs dont make a right? try three Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges If it wasnt for Edison we would be watching TV by candlelight. and my fav's I love children, but i couldnt eat a whole one Im a vegetarian.. it goes great with my steak
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. when you're not. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. The one item you need is always in short supply. Interchangeable parts aren't. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. When in doubt, empty your magazine. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
what awesome replies......keep them coming! nanny..as viking says heard lots but still pissed myself laughing.....hey viking did you do that? coulda washed ya knickers then...lol all i can say is thank gawd i didnt get ready to go out BEFORE i read this post or i will have wasted all my makeup......laughed so hard now have to get some ice to reduce the red eyes.....bugga... lava xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
I used to think this quite often at my last job You can't polish a turd Mrs xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
You got me thinkn I need to kikk my kids about Mum's day....it is on SUNDAY! I wanted an Amy Whinehouse C.D but I'll get fukk knows...lol....even when I tell them AMY WHINEHOUSE CD. Never lose ya kids!! xx SnS
-
RHP User
18 years ago
If you think that's funny you're a sick fukka. Jokes about violence aren't funny and sho your total lack of understanding of what it means to be a victim of domestic violence. Go back to your cave.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q: What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A: The taste. Q: How many homosexuals does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Only one... but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out. Q: How can you tell if the barmaid is pissed off at you? A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary. Q: Did you hear about the homosexual who got fired from the Sperm Bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job. Q: Why is the Bible like a penis? A: You get it forced down your throat by a priest. Q: Why do women have two holes so close together? A: In case you miss. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed? A: Piece of cake. Q: What’s the difference between a pitbull and a woman with PMS? A: Lipgloss. Q. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A. A man's undivided attention. Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: Why is dating like a game of cards? A: Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Q: Why did God create man? A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn. Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? A: About three inches. Q: The three words most hated by men during sex? A: "Are you In?" or "Is It In?" Q: Three words women hate to hear when having sex? A: "Honey, I'm home!" Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken! Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? A: Her grip. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A: It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it's wrinkled, stained or smells funny.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
I love it when people say........"you can't have your cake and eat it".......well, what's the point of having cake, if you can't fkn eat it...!!!!! honestly... Oh, hard work never killed anyone, but who wants to be first... Viking, still pissing myself at the blind parachute joke....!!!! And it's better to have loved and lost, than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life. And on losing kids........don't. Remember, children are a blessing, and you never know when you'll need blood or a spare kidney...!!!! See, i used to care, but now i take a pill for that. ;)
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Two points.... one is... you need to come and clean my laptop, I've just spat chewed up bread all over it... Second is... you win the prize!!! Dunno what the prize is, but fucken 'ell man, those are the funniest jokes I've read in ages. Think I owe you dinner or sumthin'. Anyone got any handy wipes?? Still laughin' Viking xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Paddy and Moya seem a normal, though odd Irish couple. They're forever visiting the sex therapist. On their first visit Paddy asks the doctor to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So Moya hops on the couch whilst Paddy mounts her in every possible way. They look like they are having a jolly good time. While they are getting dressed the doctor says, "Well I don't see anything wrong!" A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. This time it's a sixty-nine as Paddy buries his head in Moya's crutch, and she does likewise. They have a good session of energetic sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong." The next week they try again, this time anal, and again the doctor can't see anything wrong. This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming. Paddy says: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"
-
RHP User
18 years ago
I think it is a hilarious joke. As for domestic violence, what the fuck is she still doing in that relationship after the first blackeye. How pathetic would you have to be if you believed your partner saying it will never happen again?Do the excuses and appologies make the pain go away? On the way back to my cave do I ask a female home or would they prefer me to dong them on the head and drag them by the hair? I may be a caveman but that is a lot better than being an abuser, grunt grunt.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q whats the definition of a Geek? A Some one that thinks a clit is the scroll button on a mouse Lol some mothers do have them
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Subject: New Drug.. sarcasma sarcasm reliel capsules are you tired of repeating the phrase " ya think !" do you often bite your lip during meetings to supress your blatant sarcasm from spewing out ? relax help is at hand you dont have to live with it anymore. NOW THERE IS SARCASMA - THE SARCASM SUPPRESANT. just one capsule a day can free you and others from your normally arrogant,abrasive attitude (which i'm not sure i want to give up lol) from the makers of DAMITOL. comforting relief from the use of irony,mocking and conveying contempt. Dr.Phil N Goode, MD "i prescribe sarcasma to all of my patients,sure some of them dont need it, but i'm just tired of hearing thier crap." Read our sarcasma success stories! Janet P. " i'm almost cured, if you can call it that". I used to suffer from severe VHS (violent hysterical sarcasm). then someone well EVERYONE, in the office told me about sarcasma. it has virtually eliminated my need to ask friends, "where's that? on your home planet of "oh yeah sure"?" or "dumbass WHAT"? THANKS SARCASMA!" I think. Mike K. "I NO LONGER SHOOT MY CO-WORKERS!" "since i started taking sarcasma, i've noticed a major change in my attitude. and now not as many people flee the staff room when i walk in. ("damm i miss my shot gun) message from sarcasma if you know how to freakin' type visit us at www.saecasma.net ** ask your doctor before starting any sarcasma relief program (like he cares). side effects may include headaches, bleeding from the eye balls, extreme apathy, uncontrollable rage, turret's syndrom, muteness and excessive drooling. enjoy xxxjakxxx on a lighter note the Tale of the Irish Sausage Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't Have a lot of money between them, they could only Raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out With one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any Money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two Pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a Plan, Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick The sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees And put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them Out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and More drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I Can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are Killin'me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the Sausage in the third pub. and YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know! YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH This is pretty neat DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! it takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 3. Add 5 4. Multiply it by 50 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758 If you haven't, add 1757. 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.) The next two numbers are YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! till next we meet take care of each other happy hunting enjoy xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Dito xxxjakxx......Im with you hun ....
-
RHP User
18 years ago
If god hadn't meant for man to eat pussy, then why is it shaped like a taco?
-
RHP User
18 years ago
You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby? You know for sure that your dad is a wanker. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. He's better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Are you free tonight or will it cost me? It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. What's the most active muscle in a woman? The penis. What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. We grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love. Vision is the art of seeing things invisible to others. You can observe a lot by watching. I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land.... My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. I have three kids, one of each. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued. Here's to our wives and girlfriends! May they never meet! We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. What did the 100% Chinese Couple name their 100% black baby? Sum-Ting Wong A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex? " So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play. "The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work? "The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it." Thanks to Groucho Marx, Will Rogers, Rodney Dangerfield, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Bob Fosse, Butch Hancock, Helen Rowland, Nick Faldo, Winston Churchill, Anonymous and Agatha Christie for their contributions. A final bit of useless advice: How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
BLONDE LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO.....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
-
RHP User
18 years ago
In anticipation of our next party... The welcome mat has been deloused, beaten and laid at the entry. The subbies couch has been vacuumed, sterilized and cleaned. But the air is still filled with the conflicting essence of percolated coffee and hippy incense, from the other night. There's also the smell of cigar smoke left by some kinky foreign bearded Latino guy in a military uniform... who enjoyed the role playing sessions. The spa is bubbling away in the corner, though the color of the water is somewhat suspect. The sauna still seems occupied by strangers who locked themselves in last night... fortunately it is turned off. Sorry about the communal shower, which is a mess... and some prick has been urinating in the pool. We sent the Scat lady home before any more damage could be done. The plumber will be here any minutes as there seems to be some sort of blockage resulting from the flushing of condoms and undissolved suppositories. Other than that, the sheets are clean and we have a lovely oval mega-sized bed. The resident techie is presently working on some apparatus in the basement... and I hear lots of squeals coming from his tester lady, as he fine tunes his latest fucking machine... and I understand that Big Brother is sending an evaluation team over today to check us out as a potential venue for special tasks. They will feel at home because of all the mirrors. The only concern is that the landlady has given us our marching orders since the neighbours complained about the screams from the dungeon. Most of the house wiring is charred as a geeky guy is trying to make a blow job machine, but it kept short circuiting. So he put it in reverse and now has it blowing bubbles in the spar. Only problem is that it has discolored the water. We at first blamed it on the Scat lady... but she claims her bowels have been totally empty for the last week, as she inadvertently thought his blow job machine was an anal probe. Looks like our party plans will need to be put on hold as the health inspector is now knocking on the front door. Sorry to be a disappointment...
-
RHP User
18 years ago
its 2-39am cant sleep its pissing rain and im pissing myself laughing thanx guys
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A married couple walked into a tourist shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. they make you wild at sex mon!. "Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got them on the wrong feet! Mon You got them on the wrong feet!" Viking xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Q: why have elephants got big ears? A: because Noddy won't pay the ransom
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Two snakes in a bar... completely legless! LMAO absolutely brilliant! Viking.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Funny stuff! Viking p.s. It makes you wonder whether the moderators read all these and whether they sit there killing themselves laughing. You guys have come up with some brilliantly funny jokes. Don't stop... oh please... don't stop.... Viking xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
...was YESTERDAY & I'm fresh outa new ones, sorry. I'll give it awhile, eh, thennnnnn...WHO KNOWS, I may have another one sometime soon, Very UN-likely tho. ~~F~~ **Shit, that was a CT ghurl style of post, I think I've caught something contagious. Well, at least I didn't head it with the signature "..." introduction. That header actually implies there's more to follow, I'm still waitin, tho!?!?!**
-
RHP User
18 years ago
**Apologies to David Attenborough et al.......** The "Erectus Trouserus", or Trouser Snake, is the world's most well-known snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length is 5-6" (although some are said to reach 8" depending on the honesty of its' owner) and is known to be somewhat temperamental..... It appears in women's bedrooms, predominately nocturnally, though some have been coaxed out during daylight hours; it is usually found attacking the woman's mouth and/or groin areas and often does not respond well to sudden surprises..... **WARNING:** The Erectus' venomous spit can cause swelling in the woman for up to, and including, nine months.....
-
RHP User
18 years ago
*It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied. *Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate. *A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop 'vibrating.' *They don't get tired after the first time. *You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... That you had an orgasm. *Vibrators never go limp and rubbery,you simply replace The batteries when it tires. *Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!! *You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to! *Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!! *We can get a bigger one or one that has better options Whenever you want without being called a slut. *Position is your choice, not his. *You don't have to suck it. *It always is hard. *It doesn't leave a mess behind. *You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it. *It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs. *It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards. *You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home. *You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be Interested in it the next morning. *They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you Are in the mood. *They never drink too much and embarrass you. *You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had! *Safe sex without a rubber *Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times! *Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!! *They never ask how they were. *They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you. *You don't have to stroke its ego. *They never wake up at 4 a.m. Asking for another get-go. *It doesn't leave a wet spot. *It doesn't require 'a little lip action'to get hard. *It has no problem finding the 'g spot.' *You know exactly where its been. *Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed. *Vibrators don't get jealous if you have 2 or more. made me laugh xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
here is a blonde joke to add to your list.... Blonde goes into the hairdressers wearing a headset..... hair dresser says to her, you have to remove the headset for us to cut your hair.... Blonde removes headset, and soon the hairdresser notices the blonde has died..... the hair dresser decides to listen to what the blonde was listening to..... "breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out"..... LOL
-
RHP User
18 years ago
what's the difference between a troupe of russian gymnasts and a chorus line of strippers?????? one is a cunnning display of stunts and the other is a stunning display of c***s! Wilds
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Rehab is for quitters
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Things That Are DIFFICULT To Say When Drunk: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon Things That Are VERY DIFFICULT To Say When Drunk: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistical 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate Things That Are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE To Say When Drunk: 1. "No thanks, I'm married" 2. "Nope, no more booze for me" 3. "Kebabs? No thanks, I'm not hungry" 4. "Good evening Officer, isn't it a lovely night?" 5. "Oh, I couldn't!! No-one wants to hear me sing karaoke!!" 6. "I'm not interested in fighting you" 7. "Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool" 8. "Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot" 9. "I must be going home now, as I have work in the morning"
-
RHP User
18 years ago
dr dave had slept with 1 of his patients and now he felt really guilty. no matter how much he tried the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. but every once in awhile he'd hear an internal voice reassuring him "dave dont worryabout it. u r not the 1st doc 2 sleep with 1 of ur patients and u won't b the last and ur single, just let it go. but invariable the other voice would bring him bk 2 reality whispering "dave u r a f............. vet'. AND Whats the difference between a speed camera and going down on a women when u go down on a women u can actually c the c..... behind the bushes!!!!! i like that one so true lol AND THERE'S MORE 9,000 ppl r f....right now 2,000 ppl r kissing 100 r getting head and 1 lonley f..... is reading this message you hang in there sunshine................. we still all lv u as usual till next we meet take care of each other happy hunting enjoy xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Oh my lord girlie... first one made me wet myself... second not bad... third...:( even humour is against me... lol *sigh*.... sadly sitting waiting for more funnies.... Viking xxx P.S. Could I just say... where are the original contributions? I'm still waiting for the 'Orrible' one to make a rock solid comment. Come on you guys, I don't care if you think you're going to make a TWAT of youself... don't just copy other people's funnies... WRITE SOMETHING YOURSELF.... an observation of what your child had said that just blew you away... a mere male moment... a fukken funny female foible... I know you can, cause when I meet you guys... you all make me die laughing at your stories. Now if heaving over a bucket at the thought of belly button fluff and half swallowing a millipede can be the making of a party, SURELY an true tale of nakedness before an important event, revenge on an ex, or the funny (see FRIGHTENING) things the elderly do or say should rate a mention. Now find ya fukken funny bones, or I'm commin' over and I'll hang me red bra from ya aerial an' use me knickers as a car cover in ya driveway!!!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Subject: Las Vegas Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS. Hahahahahaha... love it! YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? Subject: AN IRISH BURIAL Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the 'boys' remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to be standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'. After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do'.............(The water was only up to his chest). So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel.' Subject: Fw: Feeling old HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? We bought a racehorse today. We've decided to call him "MY FACE". We don't care if he never wins a race or makes us any money. We just wanna hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington calling out "Come On My Face" last but not least How to Make a Woman Happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Bring food as always xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
What do you call ten naked indians standing on top of each other? A scrotum pole mrs xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A case of arse bleaching gone terribly wrong with a person who has a very weak sphincter muscle. Discovering a new girlfriend's tinea whilst engaged in your foot fetish passion. Inability to penetrate with a flaccid penis whilst excessively drunk and can't distinguish one sex from another. Over enthusiastic use of a vacuum pump, then being unable to extract one's incredibly engorged penis, before your in-laws arrive four hours later. A bad case of hick-ups whilst administering a blow job. Vaginal farting whilst receiving oral. Finding your sweetheart is developing an after five o'clock shadow. Spanking a girlfriend's bottom who has a week bladder and can't stop giggling. Camera shudder resulting when a hot couple attempting sex with severely sunburnt genitals. Trying to use one hand to shave the pussy of a grossly obese person, whilst holding the camera with the other hand, and the shaving brush in your mouth whilst avoiding to sneeze. A confusing sex test, when an anorexic and flat chested woman compares her assets to a fat guy's man boobs, then finding it easier to locate her clitoris than his penis. Using an over ripe banana as a dildo substitute, then finding the squashed outcome needs extracting with a dessert spoon. Hair removal from a guy's scrotum (read 'blood bath') using a mechanical epilator with a broken off switch. Your highly religious and psycho potential new lady friend wants to circumcise you for a second time, and film it at a family function, as a precondition to a carnal relationship. Discovering the hot lady you just met at a bar has a bigger penis than you.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Oh my god you ladies are fabulous at this... I've had a shitty afternoon and I come home to this absolute brilliance... The "Come on My Face".... a friend of mine used that in his routines and I've heard it a million times and it's still damn hilarious (my smutty 12 year old mind or its my aversion to snooty prissy sheilas... take your pick) Suppose I better pull my finger out and write somethin' meself after preachin' to everyone else. I'll have a think and see what ends up in the post. Viking xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
OMG eunuch!! Have you been talking to Mr?? He has never forgiven me for that fanny fart while he was down there, mind you he likes to tell everyone that it was a real fart, but it wasnt honest I wouldnt do that to him. Hmmm maybe he already put it on youtube, shit better go check, pftttt mrs xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
keepin a man happy, the food is not essential!!!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
You push it up there you can't blame the girl for giving it back *grin*
-
RHP User
18 years ago
they keep sending me the same messages so i thought i would share i sent an angel to watch over u last night he came back and said he can't watch porn thanks 4 traumatizing my f.......angel mobile mobile in my hand whoes the sexist in the land? the mobile laughed and made a grunt " it is not u u ugly ..... just a reminder that tomorrow is hug a retard day so dont freak out nobody is trying to hurt you ch9 news reports a wild mentaly,ugly f.....on the loose reward 1000000 you know i need the money where the f... are you in 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally challenged people i started crying when i thought of u run my little retard save yourself can tell how much i am loved as usual xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
why is it that aussie rules is the only game were you get a point for missing? if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? anyways just heard the Olympics has been cancelled, the Chinese cant dig up a team!!! Kaled - Doing stairs since 1988
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Why is it that good manners dictate high standards of behaviour, which are then largely abandoned when one has the misfortune to be admitted to hospital? Bodily functions are things we can't really escape, whether you're the Queen of England or some unfortunate pleb. Except the regal 'we' probably has a servant to wipe her bottom. One King of England actually died sitting on his private thrown, as allegedly did Elvis, after eating a fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich. Such a sandwich looks much the same pre-digested as it does post-digested, so I guess it blocked more than his arteries, for the strain to manifest itself as a grotesque postmortem grimace. No matter what your stature, when nature calls, you come a running. Though some have to force the issue, assisted by all manner of bowel relaxants. Some kinky people even include a supply of enemas in their toy-box. Whatever the case, not every occasion is within one's control. It can be a partner dribbling or farting in their sleep. It may be getting sprung picking your nose, or running out of toilet roll in a public toilet. All these and more are sent to try up... and that's just talking about adult experiences. Hospital experiences are another thing, the nurses and doctors generally remove all dignity from your control. From mandatory shaving of the privates, to sitting on a bed pan in a public ward, ensuring that you pollute the atmosphere with both sound effects and aroma. Being forced to wear a hospital gown that makes your backside the feature attraction, is not the epitome of high style and fashion. How often the doctor decides to exacerbate one's embarrassment by demonstrating a revealing procedure in the presence of an audience of medical students. For some strange reason my last rectal examination was accompanied by about twenty young nymphs jostling for a front stalls view. The medical fraternity have novel ways of administering more than just medicine, but also the comeuppance for any difficult patient. I think it was in one of the old British comedies, possibly, 'Doctor in the House', where the nurse got even with Sir Lancelot Spratt, by inserting a flower in his arse rather than a thermometer, for the amusement of the entire ward, considering he was such a crotchety old bugger to all and sundry. I'm sure most RHP'ers would have a plethora of similar stories they can relate....
-
RHP User
18 years ago
When im feeling blue.........i start breathing again. I use to eat natural foods then i learnt that u die of natural causes there are two types of pedestrians.........the fast and the dead the difference between a rut and a grave ........is the depth mwahssssssssssssssssss alllllllllllllllllllllll giggs xxxxxxxxxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
One of your jokes really WASN'T funny, can you guess which one??? A little more sensitivity, maybe Thousands of (impoverished) people died ~~F~~
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs; I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. witchy poo
-
RHP User
18 years ago
SING IT GIRLS!!! (maybe in your head, if you are reading this >at work!) > > Ready... set... go... > > > At first I was afraid, I was petrified. > When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! > But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, > That I grew strong, > And I knew that I could take you on... > > But there you are, another lie, > I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry! > I should have known that it was bulls**t, just a sad pathetic >dream, > Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans! > > Go on now - go, walk out the door, > Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! > Weren't you a punk to think I wouldn't find you out!? > Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't >count??!! > > > > I will survive! I will survive! > Cuz as long as I have batteries, > My sex life's gonna thrive! > I will always have good sex, > wit h a handful of latex! > I will survive! I will survive!...Hey! Hey! > > > It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, > When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud! > But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, > Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed! > > > > I will survive! I will survive! > Cuz as long as I have batteries, > My sex life's gonna thrive! > I will always have good sex, > With a handful of latex! > I will survive! I will survive!....Hey! Hey! witchy poo
-
RHP User
18 years ago
The best laugh I've had in ages was my son telling me the chikks love him, he said he's got the "gift of the gab" like his Dad.....lmao...."Mum, I have no car, no licence, no money and a pin dikk!!!!" I know that son......lmao.... xx SnS
-
RHP User
18 years ago
The last time I went to visit my mum we visited one of her friends for lunch and drinks. The topic of difficult teenagers came up in conversation and my mum summed up my teenage years with: "He was quite an easy teenager to raise. We only had one fight. He won and I got over it." blackeyed
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Yes i am at it again " i oh so want that red bra lol " a proffessor was giving a lecture on this subject to his 1st yr medical students realizing this was not the most reverting topic he decided to lighten the mood slightly he pointed to a young women in the front row and said " do you know what your arsehole is doing while you are having an orgasm ??" she replied " probably out fishing with his mates !!!!!!!!!! " whats 6 m long and smells like piss? a line dance at a nursing home... u had to b there as usual xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!" I'm not fishing! A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read! I Said the F Word A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word." The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven." The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation. "Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy. "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole." The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!" Lawyer Jokes A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other." "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?" Sex Jokes There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor. A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh. The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl." The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh. The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl." Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost! A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too." Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. "Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" "I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!" as always and always xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Paddy and Murphy arrived at a fancy dress party. The theme was Emotions. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red = anger, green = envy, yellow = cowardice. The guests looked shocked to see Paddy naked with his dick dodged in a pear and Murphy with his dick in a bowl of custard. When asked what they had come as, Paddy answered "Well I'm deep in dis pear" and Murphy said "And I'm fuckin dis custard!!! Viking Ahhhhh..... I LOVE the Irish... kisses to all you little green peoples xxxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
this post is bigger than ben hur!!! i tried to post this before, not sure it made it. why do nipples have those little bumps around the outside? brail for "suck here".
-
RHP User
18 years ago
" another genie joke " a pakistani rubs a genie lamp and is granted one wish he asks to be turned white and to be surrounded by pussy!!!! so he gets turned into a tampon the moral of the story??? no matter what you wish for there is always a f....... string attached!!!..........
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Top 10 Reasons to super glue your lips to your partner... 1. You would really get to know the other person well. 2. It would be a great way to go on a diet. 3. You could enjoy quality time without a word being spoken. 4. You would have their undivided attention. 5. Being horizontal would be the most comfortable position. 6. You might as well have sex while you're at it. 7. You would have to take some days off work. 8. Others would have to do the chores. 9. You would need to be chauffeur driven everywhere. 10. You would always know where your partner is.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
" THE PRICE OF FUEL " BP have reported that petrol stations will start playing porn movies at thier pumps so you can see someone else getting f..... at the same time as you................................. stay tuned there is bound to be more as always xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £5OO?" Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions. 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!....." With love, Viking xx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Man stands in front of a mirror naked and says to wife "Every time I look in the mirror I get a hard on." Wife says "That's cause you look like a C**t." ************************************************ Woman in a coma having a bed bath when she responded to touch around the vaginal area. The nurse called her husband in and told him that oral sex may wake her. He went in and 2 mins later she was dead. Nurse asks what happened. He says "Dunno, maybe she choked!" ************************************************ Rules for Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should be a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of this game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceedat a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Viking
-
RHP User
18 years ago
This is especially for Cedric, my favourite alcoholic. Marry me Cedric xx A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A young couple are out on a date and after the movie they go parking. They are kissing vey passionately and getting more aroused by the moment. The young guy says to his date "get in the back", "no" she whispers. "Oh come on" he says, "get in the back". "No" she answers. "Why won't you get in the back?" he asks despairingly. "Cos I want to stay here with you!"
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Spelling to get into Heaven... A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.' When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love.' The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him. 'Which word?' her husband asked. ' Czechoslovakia .' Moral of the story : ! Never make a woman angry.... . there'll be Hell to pay later! SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE 1. You cannot touch ALL your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie. 4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You will soon forward this to another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus, or occasionally pee on yourself.... You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special!!! ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? HOPE SO YES I KNOW ME AGAIN LOL xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Quote of the day: The hardest time in a mans life is between puberty and impotence. At age 4, success is not peeing your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At age 18, success is having a drivers license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money. At age 50, success is having money. At age 60, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a drivers license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not peeing your pants. "Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?" Q: Why do they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes? A: So they don't roll out of bed It has been revealled that the latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why. Q: What's the similarity between skydiving, and getting a blow job off your granny? A: Don't look down! Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary. Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic? Q: What's the best thing about schizophrenia? A: It turns a wank into an orgy! If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? 17 out of 4 people suffer from dyslexia. One dyslexic guy says to another, "can you smell smoke"? the other says, "I can't even smell my own name". Q: What is 200 feet wide and has no pubic hair. A: The front row at a Spice Girls concert! Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after its been eaten. Its called a wedding cake! Q: Why isn't the Queen's pussy on a stamp? A: Would you lick it....?!?! Two Corgis at Clarence House after the Queen Mother died, and one says to the other, "I'm pleased the old girl's dead... We won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa any more!" Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?.. A: About halfway... Q: Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and the Titanic? A: Less people went down on the Titanic. The Titanic is sinking slowly. On deck are three men: One is a paediatrician, one's a lawyer and the third is a priest. The paediatrician shouts, "Save the children". The lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children". The priest says, "Do we have time?" Q: What do you buy for a woman who has everything? A: Penicillin. George Bush senior talking to his son: "I made the same mistake with your mother that you did in Iraq... I didn't pull out in time." Q: What is the definition of embarassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first. Q: What have a Christmas tree and an impotent man got in common? A: They both have balls for decoration. A cure has been found for homosexuality: Lip balm. You rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away Am I the only one to notice that 'Therapist' is split into 'The rapist'. The Judge looked at the jury in disbelief, "How could you possibly find this man not guilty?", he asked. "Insanity your honour". "What......all fucking 12 of you"? A lady who lived on a hill, Used dynamite sticks for a thrill, They found her vagina, In North Carolina, And bits of her tits in Brazil. The difference between having Guts and having Balls... Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
-
RHP User
18 years ago
NOAH In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it. as usual and allways xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????........................... OH, Come on... take a guess! Think about it... (You're going to love this!) And the moral is... You can't kill two birds with one stone! till next time xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motor cycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidsonmotorcycle?' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me....' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, ' Ah, yes.' 'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours thats it for today xxxjakxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Subject: Fw: A Wild Night At Our House A Wild Night At Our House (THIS IS SO CUTE) HOW TRUE IT IS Another year has passed And we're all a little older. Last summer felt hotter And winter seems much colder. I rack my brain for happy thoughts, To put down on my pad, But lots of things, That come to mind Just make me kind of sad. There was a time not long ago When life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand About 'Living in the Past'. We used to go to friends homes, Baseball games and lunches. Now we go to therapy, to hospitals, And after-funeral brunches. We used to have hangovers, From parties that were gay. (did I say GAY??) Now we suffer body aches And sleep the night away. We used to go out dining, And couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, Come home and take a pill. We used to travel often To places near and far. Now we get backaches From riding in the car. Used to go out shopping For new clothing at the Mall But, now we never bother... All the sizes are too small. That, my friend is how life is, And now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up... Before you're too damn old!! You pass this way only once so enjoy it while you can; Live A Lot, Laugh A Lot and Love A Lot! xxx jak xxxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A WISH A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge? Why we love children ... 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT xxx jak xxxx There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their arse is too fat............ 10% of women think their arse is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world. thats it from me today enjoy xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Mood Enhancer This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again. The Ritual This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper "Gee I wish I could shit" shit Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Shit That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways. Brain Hemorrage Shit Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. Log shit The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush. Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump" That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. Liquid Shit The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. Second Wave Shit It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more. The aftershock shit This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected. The Crowd Pleaser This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone. Guiness Book of Records Shit A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. The bombshell A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Loved the Harley thingie Made me piss - as in, laugh. Thanx ~~F~~
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Was feeling a little outa sorts the other so i decided to visit my doctor. SHE said that everything seemed to be ok but that i should stop wanking I asked her why and she replied.....because i'm trying to examine you!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice they've always had: work or prison. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Lifes Tough, get a helmet! I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
-
RHP User
18 years ago
SocialSam, that's top shit... keep it coming... Truly funny shit!!! Viking
-
RHP User
18 years ago
LONELY HEART'S ADS WHAT DO THEY REALLY MEAN ADVENTUROUS = likes anal ATHLETIC = no tits 30-SOMETHING = 46 something FUN = annoying WILD = gets pissed easily BEAUTIFUL EYES = face like a robbers dog (poor dog) SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = xhusband a f...in nutter NEW AGE = shaved fanny HEADSTRONG = argumentiative ENJOYS PUB's & CLUB's = alcoholic CURVY = fat c... CUDDLY = fat c... LIKES EATING OUT = lazy fat c... there you go my friends r at it again can u feel the lv i just know i can lol xxx jak xxx
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Loved the 'Pocket Taser Stun Gun' joke... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! Just imagining the testicles being nowhere to be found... probably relocated to the safety of the inner body... somewhere near where the ovaries are usually positioned. ...that's a real classic :)
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Just catering to Viking's propensity for off-colour poopie jokes... The "What the Hell Died in Here" Poopie - Also sometimes referred to as the "Toxic Dump". The "Groaner" - A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Poopie - This is the next stage up where it is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion", though you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation. The "Porridge Poopie" - The type of poopie that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. The "Dangling Poopie" - This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. The "Chilli Dump" - Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It also singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before. The "Fire-Alarm Shit" - This is when you have a shit and it burns you asshole so badly that you want to take a 50 metre lawn hose, put it on full power and shove it all the way up your ass. The "I'm Going to Chew my Food Better" Poopie - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. The "Machine Gun Dump" - Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran. The "Upper Class Shit" - The kind of shit that comes out perfectly and doesn’t touch the bottom of the toilet, doesn’t smell, and defies all laws of shitting. The "Frightened Turtle Shit" - The shit that pokes its head out of your arse and then shoots right back in. The "Proctologist Poopie" - The shit where you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture! "Shitzopherenia" - The fear of shitting... it can be fatal!
-
RHP User
18 years ago
Can't type .... laughing.... tears..... oh fukk..... !!!!!!!! Viking he he ha ha... giggles...
-
RHP User
18 years ago
A couple were married and, following the honeymoon, the husband discovered a present from his mother-in-law. It was a framed set of rules, with a note instructing them to hang 'THE RULES' in a prominent place. The Rules read as follows... 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. **** On reading "THE RULES' the husband took umbrage and decided to point out a few rules of his own... **** 1. I'm not a mind reader and I never will be. My lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little I care about you. 2. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 3. You can either ask me to do something or tell me how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 4. Come to me with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what I do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 5. If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one. 6. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 9. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think I would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 11. You have too many shoes. 12. You have enough clothes. 13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 14. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. 15. ALL men see only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. 16. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 17. Let me ogle. If I don't look at other women, how can I know how pretty you are? 18. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 19. If I hear from an old girlfriend, I will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. 20. Don't fake it. I would rather be ineffective than deceived. 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. If it itches, it will be scratched. 23. A headache that lasts for more than a day is a problem. See a doctor. 24. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 25. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect me to like it. 26. Check your oil and water. 27. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. 28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 29. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask me. I refuse to answer. 30. I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want. 31. I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. 32. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules, and, I don't expect any hassle from you," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
-
RHP User
18 years ago
*takes a sip of his Obnoxious Coffee, for those who dont know what an Obnoxious coffee is, then start swearing like a frenchmen and maybe, just maybe you might think something not even close to it* This happened a year ago.. And I thought I share it with you lot, for its driving me nuts on how this could be friggn possible.. I had this new workmate that just signed on. 24 years olg, born and bred city twat. Short and fatter than a buddha, has this stupid amish beard, curly and reddish. And wears that stupid farmer's hat. Even tho he never experience being out in the country his whole life. I swear to you, that friggn hat is bigger than his whole body. One day, he was at the back of the truck, while i was sitting in the forklift, passing up to him pallets of horse feed bags. Each time I bring the pallet up to him, he yells "how many?" I yell back: "FIVE!!" Sure enough, he grabs five and stacks them liek no other would stack them, wher ethe bags are dangerously piled high and about to keel over. I came back with another pallet of different horse feed bags. Again he yells "HOW MANY?" I yell back "FIVE!!!" And so the process repeats. Instead of grabbing another pallet, i only needed to grab Lucerne chaffs bags, they are big and light and can be placed upon the Tyne of the forklift. So i grabbed five of them buggas and put them onto the tynes.. and brought it up to him. During which he watches me do this act the whole time. He yells "HOW MANY?" I replied "HOW MANY DAUGHTERS MRS PALMER'S GOT?" He stood there, seriously, like for a whole long minute, with a face so heavily frowned and confused as he work out this trick question of mine. He then gave up and looks at me with that dumb face of his and said "I dont know.. how many she got?" I looked at him, blinked my eyes for a bit and then headbutted the forklift's horn several times before boss came down wondering what the fuck is going on... I asked this Stupid Big hat wearer if he ever wanked in his life.. Second time, much much later, say a couple of months, I swear this dude is not very bright, and i said out loud in front of everybody "I'm sorry, was I intimidating you with my intelligence?" *takes another sip of his Obnoxious coffee*
-
RHP User
18 years ago
MY FIX FOR THE DAY Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.' J Why so many South Africans move to Australia Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?" "They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him. "F*cken great country this!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!" Some lessons from life 1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?' Surely this was some kind of joke.. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. 'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.' I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: 'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.' Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. 3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. 'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked. 'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. 'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. 'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. 'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn' t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. 4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition. 5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'. Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. Now you have 2 choices. 1 Delete this email, or 2. Forward it to people you care about. I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember. Most importantly.................. 'Work as if you don't need the money, love as if you've never been hurt, sing as if nobody's listening, and dance as if nobody's watching.' YES ME AGAIN xxxx jak xxxx
-
RHP User
17 years ago
Dear Owner, Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!! 1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water. 2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.) 4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse") 5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.) 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog
-
RHP User
17 years ago
Bwian mentioned his "intelligence" again, didn't he!?!?!? DOhhhhhhhhhhh ~~F~~
-
RHP User
17 years ago
- There go the lights again... - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. - Oh no! I just lost my watch. - What's this doing here? - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? - You sure it wasn't this leg? - That's cool! Now can you make his other leg twitch? - Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called! - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? - Are his relatives waiting outside? - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. - Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em. - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! - Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. - Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! - I don't think the patient should start watching any TV serials. The patient awakened after the operation to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked his doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 15100 Comments: 88155
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1416 Comments: 10244
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2520 Comments: 11717
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2503 Comments: 9781
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 997 Comments: 5058
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1301 Comments: 5762
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 780 Comments: 1983
-
LGBT
Topics: 170 Comments: 869
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share