F45
Turning to swing scene to mask inner turmoil
June 09 2018
Comments
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Hottie1
8 years ago
Absolutely no judgements here, just a stream of consciousness .... We connect with people for so many reasons and our motivations so very different. Lust can turn into love and not necessarily reciprocated as it’s given. Each person brings some sort of baggage with them and even enormous love, support and trust we give, isn’t enough. Flip that over though, I have enormous baggage myself (some parts I’ve dealt with) and I won’t open or share some parts with anyone. Your friend may not be ready firstly to even face his demons, this is his choice! You may not know the extent of his pain and you may in fact have opened up painful things for him. Your good intentions to help him haven’t worked because you set the pace, not him. Flip that again, he may just like sex, he may not have been as invested as you, he may not see the world as you do and know what you expect. Lastly, there isn’t a single person here who isn’t ‘wearing a mask’ of some sort. We hide so much of ourselves on this site. Of all the people I’ve met on this site, 5 people in total have stayed at my home, met my children and really know me. Much love and hugs Mary xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
one of the problems people have .. is that they have some notion they are a God, and/or they have some Godliness that can "HELP" people see the world through THEIR eyes.. I call Bullshit on that.. straight out. Some people have damage so deep and so real in them, it takes a VERY VERY special person to get in.And.. from what I have read above - you are NOT that person.. When you get with someone, be their "Friend" - empathize, sympathize and "Care".. but you will only EVER break your own arse by trying to change someone who is not ready to be changed - they will demoralize you to death... I COULD start a huge spiel on HOW a God does it.. but no one is interested in that.. I COULD tell you a hundred stories on how and why people I have known, and how I personally failed in this same fucking trap multiple times, but I doubt anyone is interested in that either.. So, all I can say is "Good luck"
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RHP User
8 years ago
Before you go thinking I wanted to change him, I asked him many times that he could go back to his old life. He wanted to try. I have very little ego and when I do, I notice it. So don’t go telling me that I was trying to pretend to be god. If you didn’t read properly, I never once “made him” come to me. I offer him the choice. He chose to go the party. After my depression, I chose to not be selfish, I went and sought help. Yet he wouldn’t go, I tried EVERYTHING without forcing him. Everywhere we went had to be approved by him. The only thing I didn’t want is the outside influence, influencing our relationship and affecting me. Finally the straw that broke the camels back was out last argument an entire war after he cheated twice! So if you are here to tell me that I need help or emphasise that I am trying to change someone, please leave this thread and don’t comment. I don’t need any chastising. But if you are here to support me and my hard times I will welcome that. Go where you are welcome!!!!
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RHP User
8 years ago
@Cavey and @MFW Those comments made me completely shut down. Don’t you for one second think that I enjoy my freedom? Took him to new places that he would enjoy later and wanted to go back to? There is so much more that just your few paragraphs of false judgement calls.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Please come catch up and chat with the women of Rhp next month in Bris. I've been looking for something with a guy that "gets me" for years..still no luck. But here...I've made friends that have made a world of difference in my life. My rhp friends understand and accept me...even if they aren't the man of my dreams! ;-) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
That someone hurt you sooo badly. Brought one of your biggest fears into reality and that had to stay with you, constantly holding back your anger and negative thoughts to protect the relationship - “no you’re being paranoid”, “no he said he was at home”, “he hasn’t chat to me for 24 hours”, “he’s hiding stuff from me”, “why does he feel the need to be secretive, have I not been completely honest with what “behind my back is” “it is so easy for him to go fuck someone else if it only takes him and hour... how do I feel about that?” You have no idea, how lonely I felt and all because I thought of him most of the time. Now I have no more tears tbh. He now realised he has no vision for himself or the relationship, except to just float. Ok. That’s not where I feel comfortable. We ended up having nothing to talk about. He was probably 10yrs behind emotionally. Emotions hurt him badly. I used logic in the moment as much as I could, unbeknownst to all of you. I couldn’t get the fantasy of seeing him and being happy on our nights out to dinner and movies. Only for the night to turn sour. But We tried. If we don’t try, we never know. Some people don’t even try and can only put me into a box.
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RHP User
8 years ago
:)
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RHP User
8 years ago
Generally speaking...... You can’t change anyone who isn’t prepared to first change themselves Trying to change someone may seem like a noble or the ‘right’ thing to do.... but ultimately that means you’re not happy with who they are. So an obvious question would be.... why be with them if you’re not happy with them? - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I was NOT judging.Nor do I believe MFW was. But, by your responses you are not looking for answers, you are looing for a "Pity Party"You will not get that from me, and I doubt you will get it from MFW either Believe me when I tell you this..I certainly have had my heartbreak and pain and desertion, loneliness and hatred - AND more!AND, From what I have gleaned from MFW... "She has too" So, we are not some fucking trolls trying to hurt you.and therefore, I certainly will not change or attempt to reassess my original post up there.. As I said... "Goodluck"
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RHP User
8 years ago
“Our last argument, an entire year after he cheated twice.” Once he told me, the other time I found out. This is why I wanted to stop that outside influence as it was affecting me. I said we could break up many times.
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
You gave it you best, over and over so kudos to you. But some people cannot be saved. You were with someone that if you stayed with, could never be relied on to be just yours. He set the scene for the future that he would go behind your back. You need to accept that and move on. Run a mile and be thankful for some nice times. I tried for a couple of years to change someone's behaviour. Plenty peeps here know that. But there comes a time to give up. I reached that after so much grief and a lot of peeps questioning my sanity in holding faith. I think you have reached that point that you need to surrender to the fact.
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you KNOW the story then please don’t comment anymore. I’m not looking for your further resistance or negativity from you. I am not asking you or expecting you to respond positively. I couldn’t help attraction to him, I’m a go-getter, not like you all cynical. My brain does think positively and differently to you. I don’t agree with you at all and you’re not helping the issue. Please do not post anymore with “your crowd”. We’ve had disagreements in the past, so please respect that and we will never see eye to eye. I don’t need “friends” like you. We are just different. You may see it as being defensive but your comments want me to justify myself to your belief that I have deep seated issues because you have them too. I saw a psychologist for one session and I talked myself into a solution after my trauma. So whatever.
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you KNOW the story then please don’t comment anymore. I’m not looking for your further resistance or negativity from you. I am not asking you or expecting you to respond positively. I couldn’t help attraction to him, I’m a go-getter, not like you all cynical. My brain does think positively and differently to you. I don’t agree with you at all and you’re not helping the issue. Please do not post anymore with “your crowd”. We’ve had disagreements in the past, so please respect that and we will never see eye to eye. I don’t need “friends” like you. We are just different. You may see it as being defensive but your comments want me to justify myself to your belief that I have deep seated issues because you have them too. I saw a psychologist for one session and I talked myself into a solution after my trauma. So whatever.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Giving someone options = trying to change someone? Many time he said he didn’t know what he wanted. Many times I did what he could handle with his anxiety. Many times I offered that mayb he should try a new hobby for himself or go back to the old one, that’s how you can meet new people without them needing you for sex and you feeling like you have to or tempted to comply behind my back. Yes Mary and Annie have the right idea and thank you muchly. I also thought he could save me which he did many times and I would often tell him how much I appreciated it.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I’m hurting ok? I don’t need your pity or your judgements. If you really cared you wouldn’t point the finger at me. Please also leave this post alone.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Flygirl what are you wanting from this post? I see people trying to give you varied responses in a very respectful manner but you are not being receptive or open minded to their opinion. I'm not judging. I totally understand you are hurting and have recently left a similar situation myself, but surely when you post on a public forum you need to pre-prepare yourself that your thoughts and feelings may be challenged? Maybe right now it seems like an attack but hopefully when you have a little less emotion attached to the situation you will see that everyone has just been trying to help. x - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Some men are too far gone to change. Some even start off treating you nice, say the right things and make you feel like it might lead somewhere but all of a sudden either stop/slow down with communication. Leaving you paranoid. It's a mind fuck and I'm too old for games. I even said to one guy, if you want to just keep this as a fling for the fortnight then I'm good with that but no he suggested the going away for another weekend only to message last minute to say he couldn't make it. Just don't get it. - Posted from rhpmobile
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
Lacks emotional intimacy. He's just not that into you Fly. Give him space and freedom, to do the things he wants to do. You're draining your energy on him when it should be to you. Look after YOU. Thats the kindest loving thing to do. Have a good relationship with YOU. You don't need to be in a messy or coupled relationship to have that. Ms Fox
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RHP User
8 years ago
What I see here is a woman who loves....a woman who wants to show a man that struggles with some kind of issues that have remained unaddressed that she’s entirely different to those in his past.... And now...she’s lost hope...so much so that she clearly feels as though she’s not as good and different as she first thought.... Unfortunately though FlyGirl, you’ve truly come to the realisation just how toxic this existence has been for you.... My advice, be selective who you surround yourself with and try to choose only those who give back to you what you give to them so the energy exchange is even....this way they won’t become toxic as you purge, and you’ll return to your very own sparky ball of beautiful womanhood you were not long ago when we were chatting.... You know where I am if you need a shoulder, a joke, but I’ll draw the line at my credit card and using me for my athlete physique lol Chin up gorgeous you’re awesome 👍👍 - Posted from rhpmobile
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HotNightsGC
8 years ago
So sorry for what you’ve been through. From reading your post he sounds like your typical ‘player’ that had little respect for your feelings. Very glad that you’re out of this toxic environment now. Time to focus on you for a while I think. Hugs xx Ms HNP. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Obviously you don’t KNOW the story and hence you commented. I posted to support you when your Mum was sick and your father died and you moving interstate. Lol you judge me when our very first encounter I remember was judging some couple in Perth for holding a party and you seemingly didn’t like couples like that because you think they get on their high horse and use unicorns as their plaything. I remember it so clearly. I learnt more from him in a couple paragraphs than I ever learnt from you. So maybe you should write a book on your life and how you think you are right all the time. Target a different audience. I would seriously block you if I had the chance because we always disagree. @Evie - I’m just sad. I’m allowed to be sad. I’m not sad that often. I’m not sad because he is gone, it’s more an externalisation if what’s happened. I will feel free soon enough. When I bounce back I will take the good and leave the bad behind because I met this person from RHP. All some people ever want to do is cause drama and see how far they can take it. It’s happened before. Nobody that apparently “called me out” on trying to change someone has answered me how giving someone options and them taking what I had laid out on the table as forcing them to change? Life is not stagnant FFS. I moved past the betrayal part and still gave him chances for an entire year yeah yay me. If he cheated after that is it my fault? If he kept secrets and lies, who is that destroying? Not me. Who gives a rats arse that I took a stand for what I wanted? Nobody! He was the one that blocked me and I was the one teaching him to stand on his own 2 feet in the face of confrontation. Am I hurt for him blocking me? No, not this time. I’m just hurt due to the curcumstances. Boo hoo poor me. Let me do the poor me syndrome for once. I’ve filtered enough of it. Cos god forbid anyone else ask for some “pity party” on here. Have some decency and respect FFS. Sometimes shutting your trap is the best thing and just listening but some FAIL badly at that.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Your first paragraph made me cry since he left. I was so numb until I read those words. Thank you so much. I can carry forth being a decent human being, laying my heart out when some actually see this as “sticking my neck out” I still believe in true love and working relationships, even if I only have me and everybody else is gone. Always have and always will. I am still open to be the person I used to be. Some may think my boundaries are closed-minded but they are there to protect me and nobody has the right to challenge that. I won’t give them an inch. Thank you for your kind words - they are exactly what I needed to hear. I will be forever grateful. It pained me to see him like that, more than any inconvenience to my needs/wants that made me happy. More than anything I wanted him to feel love... and he was beginning to feel it. I’d watch him grow more and more comfortable with environments that he would never tackle with anyone else. He had come so far in a year and I know his struggles. He was never used to it. But the more I tried to balance his focus on being better at other things in his life and compliment his strengths, he would feel shakey to let go of the edge and swim, lay back and float, be calm and still. He rarely napped more than 5min with me. On days that he did, it was so nice for both of us :) well at least we have each other that kind of peace at times.
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RHP User
8 years ago
He thought he was, he gave off the persona that he is a player, but every cocky person is hiding something underneath that is very delicate. He felt emotions sometimes so strongly negative and brought back the past for him that it was like reliving the past. Life has beaten him down. I was his biggest cheerleader and also probably the person that hurt him the most :’( When you have never had love in your life, you’d be seeking it from any source you can too. Have had plenty of love in my life to fill my cup and I sometimes aren’t allowed to give back to those that helped me like my own family as I don’t know how to make them happy and they don’t know how to accept. So I try to make others happy. Hence why I felt I could help him but not give him everything. I tried to explain what love was and all I could say is that love is tender. So when we argued he felt blamed and up went that wall etc instead of trying to find a solution. No I can’t change that, but I also didn’t want to let go, he did this for both of us. I still love him. I know he wouldn’t want to read that either.
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RHP User
8 years ago
People don't point out our weaknesses for our own good.They point them out to suppress our strengths for their own gain.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Weaknesses can be strengths depending on how you look at it. Vulnerability is a strength. Why have so many people been so vulnerable to the media to come out with truths? It’s a strength to take a stand, is it not? We can’t change the past. We cannot stay the same if we want a different future. So I guess in a way if we were to continue some change is expected from both parties. It’s caused compromise.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Wtf is Sandra Kring googled her, made me sort of throw up. Wrong again.
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RHP User
8 years ago
My efforts were not in vain and some have recognised my efforts to keep on living and loving the way I do for that I truly thank those that have kept a positive stance, without judgement that I was trying to change someone. All you can do is offer what you have and if that doesn’t make it then nothing more you can do. I didn’t sit around wondering. It appears that there is no experience as rewarding as one where you have put yourself through hell for a satisfying goal whether it was successful or a failure, weeding out people with their turned up noses with their perfect lives looking down on mine, just for doing what I believe in. At least I saw progress and in the process learnt more about myself. Funny how spiteful people can really be. True colours in plain sight when you get down to the nitty gritty hahaha it’s been amusing and touching at the same time. Closure found.
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curiousnhorny05
8 years ago
Respect yourself. Know what your boundaries are, stick to them. Don’t chase after the guy (or girl) let him chase you if he/she doesn’t then he’s not that into you. It’s not worth it. My hesitation in this scene is some are in this for NSA and maybe that’s where it went wrong. He couldn’t give beyond that. All the best for your future adventures. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Mr Mojo is pointing out that people highlight weaknesses not always to help us progress within ourselves, but to use our weaknesses as a means to control us.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Just take care of you. - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
Hope you have woken up feeling a bit better today. Big hugs. Relationships with liars are so emotionally shattering. They can break you into so many pieces that it’s hard to imagine you can be put back together again. But you will get there. A little scarred, true, but there’s nothing to change that. Look after yourself, do things that make you happy and keep on keeping on. 💕 - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Quoting 'AnnieWhichway' I tried for a couple of years to change someone's behaviour. Plenty peeps here know that. But there comes a time to give up. I reached that after so much grief and a lot of peeps questioning my sanity in holding faith. In my previous post l mentioned l tried to change someone's behaviour. You find that when that's not working, you start to change yourself to fit someone else lifestyle. That might be fine if your own behaviour contributes to the problem but often that is not the case. One has to be careful of changing something that isnt broken. One needs to analyze ones self and ask if you should change because someone else is not willing or not trying to do the hard yards to improve themselves. That just causes future problems, both in the relationship and your own self esteem.It's always good to self analyze. To be the best person that you can be but that can be absorbed by wrong partners who will shift blame to justify themselves.We all have baggage, we dont need to be carrying other peoples. Look after your own
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MsJonesy
8 years ago
Despite our love for another, you have to choose yourself. Choose to honour your own values and beliefs, choose to remove yourself from the forces of worry and doubt. Choose to allow them the freedom to make their own decisions. When we find we want to influence someone's behaviour or views despite clear signs they are not willing - or not able - to make those desired changes, we defeat ourselves. Change only occurs when they want it for themselves, and when they have the capacity to test and make changes. Change can be an incredibly long process; your descriptions of him floating and that giving him stillness and a sense of calm make me think he has many challenges to overcome, and that professional help is what he needs most, despite your very best intentions. A wise woman I chatted to on this site many years ago gave me some advice which is still in the forefront of my mind. Protect yourself both emotionally and physically. Choose people who add positivity to your life. Whether you are part of their lives is their choice, not yours. So gracefully let go of those who do not enhance your wellbeing, and let your decisions sit easily with you, knowing that they will restore peace.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I understand your pain and frustration. I have had to navigate something similar. In the end I had to put myself first. As others have said, take care of you. I can't message you privately, but am available if you'd like to chat more. Baz xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
And not to victem blame, but I'm really not sure what you thought the outcome would be... Players gonna play. Its their skill set that you were drawn to to begin with. They fuck experimental women, or women like me that want to fuck our sorrows away. They are not in the game for forming relationships. Somewhere in there you tricked yourself into believing you were 'the one'. Seriously, take a step back & look at what they're giving up to be monogamous. I wouldn't be deluded for a second to think I'm that. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Swinging for him is how travelling alone is for me. Sometimes it’s a drag and sometimes it is actually really fun and exciting. Getting out of your own life for a while. Being someone new. Escapism. We all need it. I love being alone. I can’t deny that. Will never deny it for anyone else either. People can be draining. I will stay a go-getter. When I really want something which is rare, I go get me some. That’s what is special to me. I didn’t want my demons to win. The relationship was not purely for him. It was probably more selfish than anything but I gave to make myself happy, which then i can let go. “Not a sit back and wait for life to come to me” kinda gal. Moving right along. Enough wallowing. Learnt stuff, move on. Life won’t get me down... he didn’t want to hold me back and he was right. Just needed to make sure he was ok. He will be. Time waits for nobody.
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