F53
What if hubby doesn't want to play?
March 08 2009
Comments
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RHP User
17 years ago
I think I completely understand your situation. You are compromising your sexual expression for him and whilst that is all well and good, it can become very frustrating. This frustration manifests itself in other ways. You may not be aware how it does, but maybe you are a little more stressed than you would be.. maybe a little less tolerant, maybe you drink more... idk but you might know. The question is how long can you sustain this charade? 10 years... 20 years.... longer? I wonder if my relationship would still exist if I had not taken measures to releive my sexual frustrations. I seriously doubt that it would have lasted this long if I had not taken the measures that I did to resolve my issues with her adament limits. I'm austricised for my "cheating" by many of you, but those of us who have married a person who has a disparity in libido or kink know what I mean and you make your own decisions about whether or not you will remedy it. Save the marriage by getting satisfaction in secret if necessary... or ride it out miserable until it falls apart.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Sounds like he's got some things behind that stance. Only sure way is to talk to the guy and ask why. If he takes the stance 'because it simply is', well, that really isn't an answer. I reckon it's got a bit to do with possessing you completely - sort of a male instinct, I suppose. Just ask him and find out. But don't bring any heat to the table. Sit down and discuss it like calm, rational, sensible adults. And I disagree with Mr. Gazpacho. I don't think doing something like that in secret is really the answer - from his stance, I'd say that if you did it in secret and he found out, your relationship is pretty much over anyway. Compromise is probably the key. Why not suggest to your hubby to take it a step at a time? Instead of meeting other couples straight away, try meeting a girl first.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Gohkm, what if your plan doesn't work?? Does she just not play??
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RHP User
17 years ago
I've heard of your situation from both husband and wife's view many times. For that reason i've sought long and hard to find an undoubtably kindred spirit. A swinger with or without me, only in that way can i be sure it will last. I've known others who say they will try it with me but it always fails in the end, the excitement wanes and while the experience not regretted our core difference comes to the fore. I am a swinger and she is not. Maybe this time i've found what i've been looking for, only time will tell and its fun finding out... That is just my experience. I have heard of couples where one partner has successfully tuned the other in to the joys of swinging but it is my suspicion that the converted partner was already a swinger at heart, just wouldn't admit it to themselves. I don't have experience in this to offer, maybe somebody else has?
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RHP User
17 years ago
You don't have to plan to go all out and jump into bed with someone... Why not suggest going to a couples club, having a look around, have a perve, then retreat to a private room... that might spark an interest for him..
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RHP User
17 years ago
just keep chatting to him about it and one day he may give in and explore with you. maybe you need to just ease him in to the idea of sharing and let him no that your love for him wont change you have been married for ten years and for him you have history and maybe hes affraid of losing you and that you will leave him all i can say is keep the lines of communication open and be honest and if he loves and trusts you then you never no he might suprize you
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RHP User
17 years ago
I seriously doubt talking to her man is a dead-end, to be honest. It seems like her hubby has got some issues on possessiveness. It might help to dig up some things and get at the root of it - but mind, I'm no psychologist, so don't take my word as gospel. Perhaps the approach that if she shows that she's willing to share him with another girl first, he might come around to letting her play with a couple later on. Course, it could go either way - I've known some guys who don't like their partners playing around with either girls, guys, or couples. I ain't saying it's going to be easy, but it'll probably happen at some point. It'll probably take plenty of compromise, cajoling, and a helluva lot of persuasion before it happens, though. If he continues to adopt a hardline stance, well, I'm not going to stick my neck out that far. But I still think she ought to talk to the man, find out what's at the bottom of his viewpoint. But the suggestion to perve around first is a good one. That might loosen him up enough to think more adventurously.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Thanks for all your comments! Well My past marriage I cheated and I really hated it. So I definately don't want to go there again. Too stressful. We have spoken alot about swinging and he has issues... he says he can't bare to see me with someone else and he is not sure how he would react. Sooo.. I think the couples club is an idea however I think I have to even be slower than that. I told him I don't want to cheat on him and said thats why I'm telling you how I am feeling. He says its just a phase I am going through, a mid life crisis and that it will pass. But I miss being sexual aroused by strangers!! :)
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RHP User
17 years ago
Swinging should never be about one person if you are in a couple relationship. Swinging should be about both of you. When it is one sided it will and usually does fail. Never swing to fix something, swing to communicate and grow.
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RHP User
17 years ago
sweetz....not to sound narcy...but this is what happens when we compromise our core selves for the sake of a relationship. So you were a swinger before you got married and he wasn't?? Were you each hoping the other would change?? In marrying him knowing that he didnt swing...and by not swinging for the duration of your marriage....unfortunately....in his eyes....he won. I would suggest a good heart to heart...compromise on both sides...and little tiny baby steps! Don't suggest an orgy straight off the bat!! The suggestion of going to a club together is a good one. If he can recognise what you have given up for him so far...perhaps he can be persuaded to do the same for you. Good luck!
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RHP User
17 years ago
I feel for you as my wife is the same way with other girls or couples. Either keep gently prodding & he might come around or live with it. You probably will never change him and if you try too hard he will blow up. You knew this when you became partners so it really is his call.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Hi MissBJ and couplegoth, He knew what I was like before we married and I have never cheated on him. I also never would! I just need to go about getting him keen on the idea. He knows I am in RHP and active but I would never do anything without him knowing and agreeing. We are having long discussion about it and I am going to get him involved in here so he can hopefully see a different side to it. He could be pursaded I'm sure. (Fingers crossed) I did mention to him we could try a woman threesome first and he was deep in thought! ha ha What are the best clubs in Melbourne for couples? And best nights?
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RHP User
17 years ago
Sweetcz, here's all the best - I reckon you've got him there: FFM is the way to go for a great many men :). And when you get him around the idea of playing with couples, and when we're next in Melbourne, maybe we could ... y'know, check on your progress :). Or maybe we could help turn him around to your way of thinking :).
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RHP User
17 years ago
Okay well we have talked more and he doesn't want me to play! But he wants too... Says he couldn't handle seeing a man with me! Sheesh.... We will start with a woman definately! Hopefully he will change over time. Fingers crossed!
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RHP User
17 years ago
isnt your situation the same as so many other couples?. only with the roles reversed? be careful! take it easy and slowly and you'll get through it. my guy was the same, now we play almost exclusively with other men.....
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RHP User
17 years ago
How cum it is ok for him to play with other females but not ok for you to play with other guys?? seems like a double standard to me. i never get that one!!!!!!!!!!
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RHP User
17 years ago
Yup, what is it with guys who accept another lady into the bedroom, but then turn around and say no to a guy joining them, either single or in a couple. Bit one-sided to me, dont know how the ladies accept this, because i wouldnt. shy
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RHP User
17 years ago
it does go both ways guy that are keen and push their gfs and the the gf get more in to it then him or she will not let him play with another girl while she plays when ever she wants. im do not think pushing someone to do something they dont want to do is the answer though. i think all couples should sit down work out what works what does'nt.
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RHP User
17 years ago
So he doesn't want you to play mfm but he is willing to play fmf??? I don't think I will ever understand that... although I understand that he might be the jealous type. I'm not so religious.. but some of the catchy stuff immediately springs to mind i.e. "Do unto others as you would have him do unto you".... Hmmmm... You know.. anyway you twist that around I reckon Jesus really was gay.
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RHP User
17 years ago
It sure is. And we've had double standards when it comes to men, women and sex for centuries. I still see women holding back on their sexual behaviour because they don't wish to be labelled. In terms of your situation sweetcz, in marriage we make compomises. We negotiate and sometimes we get the outcomes we want. Good luck
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RHP User
17 years ago
It is hard wired in a guys head to thump any man who even so much as looks at his wife, thats the starting point most men come from. Now our only issues is finding men that will not only express a desire for msamour but follow through on whats promised. We started in chatrooms flirting and playing on camera, interaction with real people was a buzz. That becomes ho hum pretty quickly , but once the interest is sparked its only logical to take the next step and start meeting people in the flesh. As for clubs we are just getting out there in that scene but have heard good things about true blue and abodes couples night. Contact us if you want to know the ones not to go to lol. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx S&K
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RHP User
17 years ago
I think the fact that he is interested in playing means you are in - just take it slowly and indulge him so he enjoys the experience. SR Good luck
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RHP User
17 years ago
We have been comfortably in this lifestyle for many years now - both with mutual needs and wants .... So often you read the typical couples profile " Looking For That Elusive Single Female, No Couples And Single guys STAY AWAY" ..... In simple terms " Jealous Husband Wanting The Cake And Eating It Too" ..... Be 100% clear, we are not suggesting that this is the case with all couples, we understand alot of ladies don't and won't need another man - but we do often wonder due to the enormous frequency that this occurs how many this actually pertains to, and the female half is basically prepared to compromise the issue for the sake of a jealous husband! Live & Let Live .... this lifestyle is about exploring and growing, which is intended to strengthen your resolve!! xxx Mr & Mrs shy
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RHP User
17 years ago
I often wonder that too!!!!!!!!! What is good for the goose should be good for the gander. Girls/ladies please stand your ground. if he wants another girl then you should be allowed another man, if that is what you really want.
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RHP User
17 years ago
do what you have to to keep you both happy because if your not happy it will eventually fall apart
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RHP User
17 years ago
I'm in a similar position. I've been talking with hubby about wanting to play for about 8 months now, and I think he's less opposed to the idea than he was initially. I wonder is your hubby's jealousy just about possessiveness or does he have underlying insecurities? Is it possible to have an open discussion about what the barriers are for him? I mean, we can see the many obvious positives in broadening our sex lives. But what does he think are the negatives? The difficulty with a conversation of this kind is that it relies on him being willing to be totally honest, which can be very difficult when he feels vulnerable or threatened. I'm sorry I don't have a simple solution. My approach is to give him plenty of time, keep making playful conversation on the topic and hightlighting how much fun it would be for both of us. And acknowledging that it is difficult for him that his wife is not the tame, compliant woman he might like her to be. My problem was that I needed more of a sexual outlet than I could get at home, as it was becoming a problem that I was frequently after him and we were both getting resentful. RHP has helped me with that, being able to chat and talk out my fantasies, get off with other people and not be so antsy for him all the time. I know I cling to the hope that he will come round to us enjoying all the fun life has to offer - but it has to be what he wants, too.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Sweetsas This can be a problem for both partners... Sometimes I want to try a few ideas out but my partner is too shy. I sometimes have to just do some things that I want to do in my own way... you can't share all your experiences in life!
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RHP User
17 years ago
This is a problem with some couples with one being shy or it not being a priority. This website is quite challenging for these people. I suppose it would be nice to have informal gatherings for inexperienced couples to show that there are ordinary loving humans involved - we are not all raving sex maniacs, a little bit of flirtation but the main thing them having a good time (and then who knows what might happen once they show interest) - without the hardcore propositioning. I suppose there are some people who think that if you're not into the hardcore sex lifestyle you shouldn't be on here.
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RHP User
17 years ago
I couldn't agree more.... we are one those couples, with mr fully comfortable always and me always a bit shy, even though we've had alot of experience, it's just who I am by nature.
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RHP User
17 years ago
becarefull my wife and i had great sex life then she said yes to another girl which i thought was great then she wanted another guy which i thought fairs fair but she wanted my best mate in which i was a bit worried about , we never done anything talked about it but she went behind my back and spoke to him and got talking a month later she takes off with him destroying 16 years so be very carefull on the path you take all i can say is be truth full lay it on the line talking about it is the only way you will find out how he really feels about it all hope it goes better for you than it did for me really spewing casue it was fun with her and the other lady
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RHP User
17 years ago
you have to realize sex, is just sex. Yes it can be bad, good, fun etc. At the end of the day if there us no love then bang eachother and say goodbye. till next time
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RHP User
17 years ago
sorry i just bypassed all those responses, but only have this to say, he is rightfully very shit scared of losing u, over time if u stay true, he will realise he wont and give u more room to play, ur choice is to wait or lose it all :)
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RHP User
17 years ago
Most people say a food smells nice before they are enticed to eat it. Try baby steps... see if hubby will permit you to cam with a fem in front of him! You may find that this will arouse him in more than one way! Additionally you could include him in a cam session once you are well warmed up! This may be a small step but all the safety's are in place and it may be enough to break the ice?! finklebit
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RHP User
17 years ago
Why cant she cam with a guy if she wants to??
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tempered
10 years ago
hmmm
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tempered
10 years ago
hmmm
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RHP User
10 years ago
hmmmmm
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