Where are YOU .?

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  I made the mistake of having no "Me" and only Us (or in fact mostly Her). Anyway, she made acquaintances & friends for her & (Us) but not Me. Hence I have to start again, and difficult in my occupation to meet people. Never, mind, my own fault. I believe you should share in a relationship, but also need to keep a certain amount of "Me" being your own self, not for back-up but for a healthy relationship (as long as it is honest).

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  I made that mistake when I was 18 (and continued to make it for five years) then never again. I learned that I don't need anyone to complete me and don't need "my other half" because I'm already whole. In my last relationship the problems crept in so slowly though that I didn't really realise how bad things were until very late in the game, when I had been with him about four years too long. I wasn't subsumed by my ex but did lose part of me over time, by allowing to be treated the way I was.

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  I suspect can sometimes cause you to lose track of your own identity and life (without actually knowing it until too late). Because.... you actually love the person and would do anything for her / him, right. Works ok as long as the partner is not manipulative or a narcissist.

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  .... OP slightly off topic from falling out of love ... or disappearing into the 'we' and losing a sense of self .... but something that I am interested in as a root cause .... .....I am interested in the concept of the 'balance of power' dynamic in a relationship .. and find it to be an interesting one .... as it is fluid .. it changes with aging.. with experience/misadventure ... one may grow .. the other static .. or even shrink, to eventually eclipsed the other. It can be real power ...often women .. behind the scene drivers .. or token power ... males who capitulate power over a long time .. via work absence .... abdication of house hold government and treasury .... backing down for peace keeping .... or surrender of decision making to the partner with the more staunch view ... ie .... moral decisions ... or rules for children approaching age. .... Yes, I have been there .... and trying to right a power inequity, especially after a long time is ... well, difficult .. if not impossible. .... the fate of many who return home for the last time from a hectic working life .... to challenge/influence the status quo of amazingly talented and competent 'manager' partners who have governed over household and familial interrelationships for half a lifetime, is not an easy one ... and it would be interesting to me for each couple to give a % power weighting to their relationship (suggest a lot will say 50/50 ... would be unlikely unless very similar personality types) .... who capitulates more .... who becomes a little more invisible ... and asserts more influence. ... in terms of RHP ..... are people seeking dominant or passive partners .... somehow compensating/ balancing ... for imbalance in other parts of their life? .... powerful mining engineer .... or hotel manager .... wishing to be submissive ? .. sorry to be so long winded folks .... I usually just like flippant one liners ... Ulysses

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  With my meagre experience it's hard to answer, but I guess I try to extend my life through the other person, meaning because they would have somewhat different interests and activities, that I can be introduced to more things in general, that I otherwise wouldn't have done. Either because I didn't have that level of interest in them, or because I didn't have anyone to do them with. Of course I'd like it if that person also wanted to make themselves part of my life, so then we supplement each other, without losing individuality. I like the idea that you are a "pair", not identical, rather more like two sides of the same coin. In my case I didn't feel like I had become part of that person, but rather part of their life. In my case, said partner still lived at home, and I was happily welcomed by all her immediate and extended family. So my sexual relationship is supplemented by having a new-found friend and activity/travel partner, and emotional support, someone to express my love for and to express it back to me, and to feel like you have a new family. Of course all this should be mutual. So the pain of separating is losing all of those things, which multiplies the effect. Sometimes you will miss the loving sex, other times you will miss the friend, or the activity partner, and certainly when other things in life happen you would miss the support. Obviously if you've been alone long enough you are very sturdy on your own two feet, but it does feel nice to take some weight off and lean against someone for a change. You only realise how much you've been leaning when they disappear and you fall over, and it takes you a while to get back up. And so maybe next time you decide only to gradually rest against someone, enough for a bit of comfort but not relying on them, but then you never experience the sensation of someone who is prepared to take most or all of your weight if and when you really need it. Also, forgive my random rambling :)

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  I think all my past relationships I lost myself in but at the same time they shaped me into the better person that I wasn't as after termination(lol) I like to think I kept the good facets and dispatched myself of most of the bad. With my present partner of 22 years there is not much of a 'us' component. To speculate, this could be because it's an interracial relationship and hence we often see things a different way and maybe think slightly different. I can be pretty stubborn, albeit selectively stubborn, so maybe it's a combination of the two lol.

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  QLDtwo4fun

  10 years ago

  We choose to be us, but we still have me. At least I think so, it hard to tell when everything is good.

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  RHP User

  10 years ago

  In the past, I have lost myself, purely because I didn't value my own contributions to the relationship. I had forgotten who I was, and what I was passionate about. It's so refreshing to be loved and appreciated for who I am and what I think.

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