M56
Wife has no interest in sex. Why ?
September 29 2009
Comments
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey Kinky fun, Can I ask what the rest of your relationship is like? Women become resentful very easily if they do not feel loved/supported/valued or whatever. I don't mean to be accusing but have you considered that it is something you are doing or not doing for her. Woman just don't feel like sex when they are not getting other things from the relationship. Or maybe she is just very unhappy with you and only staying in the relationship with you for some other reason, ie financial, or kids, and going behind your back and getting her fill somewhere else....you know...cheating...just like you are doing. I'm not being mean, just putting it in perspective.
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RHP User
16 years ago
... keep the wine glass full... counselling... communication... work on my technique... medicationwhat, still nothing look your sweet okay and I love you so you dont mind if I:.... fulfil my needs else, prostitute, play around, have affairs etcwhat, you wont let me do thatTime for those Parting Words: Babe, your time is up, good luck and all the best as I definitely aint going to live my life in a relationship with virtually no sex. I got one life and I definitely aint going to spend it like this.best you find someone that you are compatible with as you and me different okayLove Misty
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nort4t
16 years ago
Hi Lovebitten, I would like to know how you came to the conclusion that goodkinkyfun is cheating. I only read that he is looking for ideas on awaking his wife's sexually, he has also tried counselling. I know that i 'am a married man on a adult internet site my wife sits in the same room as myself when i am on this site She doesn't think that i am cheating neither does both of my son's girlfirends Who think that he is just asking for advice on how to arouse his wife. As for you Goodkinkyfun I don,t know what your relationship with your wife is like outside the bedroom. maybe yu both should try counselling. Good luck Nort4t.
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RHP User
16 years ago
End it and get out.So you lose the house and some money,you're not old, you can start again.If you have kids it can be a bit hard depending on their age but they would rather share a happy mum and dad than live in an unhappy house. Take it from me,been there and done that,she aint gonna change. You will find someone that is on your wave length,I did and have never been happier. Life is too short,dont waste it.You gotta be happy. mr pip
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RHP User
16 years ago
I think its what goodkinkyfun says in his profile that make people assume that his being in this site = cheating.What else would you conclude from "Discrete daytime contact a must" (=.=) ?All that stuff aside, I'm pretty sure goodkinkyfun is not the only husband / boyfriend in this site whos going through this dilemma - so girls, feel free to share what you think is the problem ! I personally know a friend who's going through a similar situation and although he's very close to breaking up with his girlfriend (who doesnt put out) he finds it difficult because other than not putting out, she could be described as 'the perfect girlfriend' - can you imagine the irony ?k -out
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RHP User
16 years ago
Tie her up.Mr (obviously!)
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RHP User
16 years ago
Dont worry kinky fun SAME HEREshe has lost all interest in me and sex so down feel down some of us are suffering too
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RHP User
16 years ago
hey kinky fun.had the same problem as yours a while ago and put up with it for yrs.it means 1 of two things she doesnt have feelings for u anymore or is cheating.my gf came up to me one day after hardly getting it for yrs and said she wants to break up as she didnt have feelings anymore.found out later she was cheating.i have friends who had exact same experience as well.its a classic sign of having no feelings anymore or cheating.when the sex stops its over.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Meah... three times in as many years.... somehow I don't think that would work for me. People shouldn't have to suffer sexually in a marriage.. it's not meant to be a prison. See a, doctor in case its physical, a sex therapist in case its phsychological... and counselling... all these things so that she is aware that it is important to you.... and if nothing works.. you've still got choices.... you can continue cheating... you can put it to her that you have a more open relationship where sex is on your menu again... or you can leave. A marriage without sex is really just co-habitation. She may as well be your mum/sister/flatmate. Hugs Gazza
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey thanks all. Ok let me set some things straight. Our relationship is very good otherwise. We have kids and since she has a belief that her body is unatractive and there seems no way to convince her otherwise. A while ago I thought she was talking to an x lover and I sprung her texts. So who knows. I can nit and will not ask for sex. It has to be freely given or not at all. So yes I am on here to cheat. I need physical contact. Simple as that and the more time I look the kinkier my desired become. So constructive help would be good.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Like most people, when I read a post, I look at the profile. I get all the information, then I generate a response. He states clearly in his profile that he is looking outside his marriage for a relationship....and I quote "discrete daytime is a must." I'm not judging the poor guy, it must be horrible to be in a relationship like that. But cheating he is. There does nto exist another word for it. And I responded accordingly.
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RHP User
16 years ago
I had a friend who was married to a woman who had a very low libido. They went to counsellling and did all the things they should to try and make things work, all to no avail and eventually he left her (the night after my birthday party when he had stayed over and she had gone on home with the kids - man was she pissed with me for awhiile). Anyway, the separation obviously shook her up. Perhaps him dating other women helped her to see him as a desirable man again, I'm not sure. . They eventually worked things out and to the best of my knowledge are still together and reasonably happy. A psychologist once said "do the unexpected. . . .it can create significant behaviour change". A walk out can be a wake up call! Wildly wishing you luck
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Almost_Ready
16 years ago
I agree totally with Gazza & I understand where you are coming from, makes me feel fortunate as I would say my situation similar though nowhere near as desparate.. has it always been this way?? Keep trying as long as you can seek professional help but if you cant rectify the situation you need to do what's right for you Good luck Oldog
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi,Having been in the exact same relationship my x was a control freak.Turns out she was having an affair, hope not for your sake,Jump
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thanks for the comments. If only life was as simple as the answers here and emotion plays no part. The women say cheat and the men day move on ( simpliyed ). It would seem the cloeset coment is co habitating sad I know. I can not ask for sex it has to be freely given. Taking that into account my options are limited. We have kids and there well being is paramount. But some where I need physical contact. So yes I am here a searching for sex. By definition I am looking to become a cheat.
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RHP User
16 years ago
....is the HUGE key.Communication is another one and................if you want your marriage to work, GET OFF THIS SITE lol!!!!!!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey Kinkyfun :) I've been sitting here racking my brain trying to sum up a womans thinking and perspective into a short, to-the-point reply but it just ain't happening LOL, so I'll just ramble on for a while... *can hear all the men sighing & see them rolling their eyes* hehehe Unfortunately for you there is no simple or quick fix answer. The other replies are all right - she could be having an affair, you may not be meeting her needs on other levels, it may be a physical/medical problem or it could be a psychological issue - or even all of the above! Whatever the problem is, communication between the two of you is the key. If/when you talk to her about this, please don't place the onus onto her and make it all about the sex (or lack thereof). It's so important that you show that you care for her wellbeing - both physical and emotional - and actually listen to what she has to say. While our sex life has never been as 'barren' (for want of a better term) as yours, we certainly have gone through stages and fazes or hardly getting any. For me, the reasons have been varied - Medical issues with hormone imbalances (even being on the pill lowers my libido *cry*) - have you noticed any other 'symptoms' like weight changes, emotional changes? Feeling undesirable due to body changes after having children - for me this was a big one. A lot of my self confidence always came from feeling desirable, so when I went saggy and baggy after having kids I no longer felt sexy or desirable so I was no longer confident in putting myself out there - even with my hubby. Thankfully he was very patient and persistant with the compliments (although not pestering for sex LOL) and he made me feel sexy again. Unable to take off my 'mummy hat' and put on my 'kinky minx hat' - This has also been another big one for me. When I became a mum, it suddenly became almost inappropriate and taboo for me to think about sex, let alone talk about it or, heaven forbid, want it! I also grew up in a very prudish home which just made my feelings even more hightened. If your kids are still fairly young, I'd think that this one is a pretty fair bet especially when you couple it with the exhaustion a young family brings with it. Now, I am honestly not sitting here in judgement, but I think you need the heads up - If you have an affair, chances are you will get caught at some point: either by her or by falling for someone you've met. You need to be prepared for that and also understand that if you do get caught it'll likely mean the end for you guys, or at the very least, massive trust issues that you will need to overcome and that is bloody hard work and takes years and that is if you can ever gain it back! Trust me, I have been there and done that. Just be sure that you are prepared for that ok?
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RHP User
16 years ago
i guess on this site it would hard for some of us members to comprehend your problem,we all have high sex drives but thats not the case for everybody, it can be buried{not lost} by all the pressure and stress from day to day living,maybe its easier for her to deny that feeling,its been gone so long.id amagine if you could take her away from everything,get on a plane go somewhere anywhere relaxing ,you could slowly bring it to the surface again,but if you just keep the same course it may never resurface.you must love her your still there,
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey KinkyI was in the same boat, I started looking round and cheating after 6 years of loyal marriage with limited sex. I was busted and I had to come clean, it has been difficult but great relief. We have decided to part ways and I am looking forward to the future. You will be caught out sooner or later. good luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
excuse me a relationship is all about the sex. I got enough friends. get realput up or get outsay: if you dont want me inside you then suck my cock
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RHP User
16 years ago
The answer for you is cheating. I have no quarms about a perosn who is cheating. Who are we to question your ligic as to why.... especially me. lol. We cheaters are motivated by our own reasoning and if it works for you, as the last resort, and you can live with it, then I understand. But be aware, one day our little rouse will fall to shit. One day you will come home with lipstick all over your cock from that cross dresser.... one day the hand cuff, bight marks, rope burns, will show up and be noticed. One day, you will get an STD... and then your philandering will come to light. And then you've got some work to do. She might understand. She might simply be going through the motions for the sake of your children. But a person with no libido.... how does that work? Something is mentally or physically wrong there, I think. If she is also cheating, then if I were you, loving her as you do, I would be relieved that she's not unhealthy... and then you can both come clean to each other about the cheating... and perhaps co-habitate more openly. Sure cheat. Live and let love... but the quesiton I would want to resolve is... "Is she healthy". Good luck buddy. Hugs Gazz
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RHP User
16 years ago
Mr here I didn't know my ex had remarried :-) When I found Yuphin we just clicked finally someone who was content with me and enjoys sex. I stayed because of the kids but when my ex finally found out she gave me an ultimatum i just said I am entitled to be happy and walked. Life is too short
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RHP User
16 years ago
I absolutely agree with everything Sonsie said, and have an idea or two of my own. I notice your age is around 42, your wife may be of a similar age. She has kids, as you've already said, she may work full time as well, then she has a household to run. And if memory serves me correctly, she runs a taxi service for the kids as well as attending all sorts of appointments regarding the kids, school, sports, after school activities. Then on top of all that add some age related hormonal imbalances, you have on your hands an exhausted, and cranky missus, who only wants to use the bed for sleep, and nothing else. Also with all that time devoted to looking after her family, she doesn't have time to look after herself, so she believes her looks have suffered, Man,, go out get some quotes at a day spa, and beaty parlour and shout her a wonderful make over, the works, address that concern of her, I know you think she's wonderful, but she doesn't and no amount of protests to the opposite from you will help her there, but man a day at the spa makes anyone feel good. Also it's quite normal under the circumstances to expect some level of depression - Get her checked out by the doctor, INSIST on getting her blood tested for her hormone levels, quite often a low testosterone level in a woman's hormone levels will affect their libido. Help her with the house work, help take some of the load of, ask her what she needs done around the house, don't wait for her to start screaming before you help. Pack the kids of to the grandparents for a week and take her on a well earned holiday, which may include the day spa, you can do it together. But importantly you must have this conversation. "Darling you know I love you, I've told you very often how I love your body, the one that has carried my children, with all it's marks and wrinkles and imperfections, it's perfect for me. I know you love me, and I hope you understand that I don't ever want to force you to do anything you don't want to do, I respect you too much, you're my best friend, the love of my life, I don't ever want to destroy what we have. However I have a problem. I need to have sex, I want the person I have sex with to be you, with you it's perfect, we make love. I know that you don't want to have sex, is it just with me? or is it just a general aversion, I remember a time when we had a great sex life, What happened?? Is there any suggestions you have darling, that might help me to have sex with you, or would you prefer it if I took my sexual needs elsewhere??? Have this conversation in a loving way, don't let it descend into a screaming match. But you have to be honest with her and let her know how desperate you are. Because quite honestly, if you use this site often enough and meet people who you like, you will be caught out, and then this issue is not going to be between you and your wife, but it will bring your kids into it in the worst possible way. And having been caught myself over 20 years ago, I can tell you, your kids will NOT EVER get over it to a point where you will have a comfortable relationship with them. Better you leave now, while you can make it amicable between you and your wife, than allow it to be something like that. Sorry for the overly long reply, but your story touched my heart. By the way, I've sent a flirt to you and as a guest at the moment I can't actually message you, so if you answer my flirt with a message, I'd be very happy to meet you and maybe play at some point
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RHP User
16 years ago
Not knowing how old your children are goodkinkyfun, I agree with Sonsie. I know for myself once i had my kids i not only lost my libido but also felt very unattractive. I have a very high libido & i found it quiet depressing when it flatlined.... But with alot of reassurance from my Hubby & learning to love my new shape I have come bouncing back. Granted its still only at 90% but Im getting there with lots of practice...lol. Maybe you should offer your wife some sexy alternatives...she might be looking to add some spice herself. Given that she may also be waiting for you to give her the green light to the exit. Hope you work it out soon.
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RHP User
16 years ago
that she can't trust you enough to share?
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi all, Thanks for all your honest replies. I have gained a lot more that the "your just a cheater" response which I was expecting so thanks again. For a sex site you Guy's and Gal's are OK.. LOL. I am going to try the open chat conversation again and push a little harder this time and see if she has any answers. Good or Bad.. The trouble is it has been so long since the passion and lust we had for each other was present I am not sure I will remember how to read the signals.. Just a note. I realise that there are two people in our relationship and I must accept some blame and be willing to compromise . What you hear is only one side of the story but I have tried not to embellish.. Thank again one and all.....
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi i know what your going through ive got the same problem,my hubby never wants sex,and when we do its just sex no kissing or lovemaking,he can go 4-5 weeks before he wants it,i often sugest it and im happy for him to put on porno's to spice things up a bit,we have toys but they dont come out often.lol..He always says he's too tired and needs his sleep,week days are definatly out says he need to get up early ( 7am) so theres always excuses.Ive given up asking cos he says im putting him under pressure ,and i want him to want me not just do it to shut me up.lol.He doesnt have a problem getting turned on before anyone thinks it might be a medical thing..lol..He just doesnt seem to need it these days.Anyone got any idea why a 46 yr old guy might go off sex....lol.....Im told im good looking and have a good figure for my age what more can i say..lol...
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RHP User
16 years ago
Wow what a hubby you have there - you and Mr GoodKinkyfun could be best friends under a common situation.We try not to point fingers but most of the times when a guy does exactly that, he's usually out there cheating with another woman... I know from experience - and although not every single man is like that, most of them are. So careful with him babeMei & Lee
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stardreams123
16 years ago
Hi I think you should sit her down & ask why? or what is the real problem? & to be truthfull with you. I believe there is always two sides to a story or problem but at the end both of you have to come together to resolve the issue at hand & to put in that extra effort especially if you both love eachother, but if that fails then you should consider time apart. At the end the cards have to come out on the table to sort out what is the real problem or things will not get better maybe you should say that to her & if you want things to improve & for both of you be happy she will put in that effort to resolve her issues. Good Luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hi yeah we could be good friends..lol I dont think hes seeing anyone,ive checked his phone and know his password for emails,plus he never really goes out,and i dont think hes that clever.lol..he just doest have any sex drive, but then saying that ive seeing him wanking and he doesnt know,so im puzzled..lol..anyone else have any ideas..lol........
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RHP User
16 years ago
hey,i know a lot of people are to embarrassed or shy to openly discuss sex even with partners. sounds like ur wife could be like this.i have found writing really helps,ask her to write u a letter that u can read, either in front of her or alone. sometimes its the expressions or the little comments that make it difficult to really give a true and honest response.and to be able to express all her feelings and desires in one go rather than a discussion type scenario is sometimes easier.i often write, sometimes no one else sees it sometimes they do, but i always feel better afterwards.writing can be part of dealing with grief, and from what i have read u are going through some grief over lost sexual appeal and desire. she may be grieving too, grieving her old body, her unfulfilled dreams, so many things can affect your libido. it can be just as frustrating for the women.to automatically assume she is cheating is wrong, a womans habits change so she is a cheat, maybe there is more involved with both parties.i dont want to have sex with my hubby when he has shown me bugger all interest or hasnt been here or sit at his computer as soon as he comes home from work, it takes 2 t amke a healthy relationshipJ xxxxxxxxxxxx (mrs here all the time btw)
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RHP User
16 years ago
I like the way you think lovebitten......
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thanks Charly very good advice. Tony.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thanks everyone for your posts on here I am in the same position, with a "gorgeous" wife, who has just lost interest in sex. We have mechanical sex once a month, and she usually asks me to finish, or looks at the clock while we do it. Last time I tried halfway through foreplay, in the morning massaging her back etc, she simply said i am not enjoying this you know, and that was it. Who wants to make love to somebody whos not there for you. The whole family treads on eggshells to keep her happy, and much as i have tried I am fed up with it always being one way traffic, and me making up to her and finding out what she wants, surely it should be two way taffic. i have suggested counselling, but she said that she didn't want to go because we were both adults and should be able to work it out ourselves. (which we can't) another time she said she didn't want to go because it would only confirm what she already knew.. We probaly should seperate , but I guess i have been hanging on for the sake of the kids and all the drama and the financial loss that us guys suffer. However, i am sick of the cuastic little comments all the time and the permanet glass is half empty view on life. I guess i know what your all going to say, but i feel better for writing this :) Cheers John
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2more4fun
16 years ago
It would help if your wife has identified her lack of sex drive as a problem AND wants to do something about it. Otherwise I think this may be an uphill battle.I don't know if you have kids and other things in life that tire women (including some husbands) but I suppose you can do your best and try and alleviate any stress or tiredness she feels. Nothing kills the libido more than those things.Is everything else in your relationship going OK? If not, then naturally sex is the first thing to suffer so fix the more important things first. Boldly - I can't count the number of guys who have ended up in dead marriages and feel for you. I'm sorry to say that she probably feels the same way also. Perhaps it's time to ask the hard questions with her. Yes, kids are a huge consideration but unless you can keep up the facade of happy families 24/7, they can't be completely oblivious to the tension. They see the small things. Why don't my parents cuddle each other and say 'I love you' like my friends' parents do? Is marriage meant to be like this? Finances? Yes, a lot of men get hit hard but as a guy I know said, you get divorced because it's worth it! Another friend of mine has not looked back. He has won back his self-esteem at age 31 and is now dating someone he has fun with. He has two small children he has to worry about of course but he's working things through. I'm sure his wallet will feel the pinch but I'd say he'd pay double to have his life back. I don't know your situation enough to say 'go for it', but how many more years are you prepared to hang in there for? How many of those years will you regret not having had to enjoy life once you get there?
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RHP User
16 years ago
John, Those moods can cycle around.. i.e. like a tide. If you are intent on tossing in the towel over it, I suggest you ask for permission to get your jollies outside the marriage given that it is obviously such a chore for her. This does a couple of things... it puts her on notice that you can no longer put up with being treated like her flatmate instead of her husband.... nor taken for granted that you will remain celibate just because she chooses to be that way... and who knows.. maybe it is just what she was looking for too... and it could breathe a new lease of life into a relationship you think is over.. whereas it just might be goign through some changes. Hugs Gazza
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RHP User
16 years ago
Have you asked her why she's never in the mood for sex?Maybe she had a traumatic childhood, or has been taken against her will. I could understand how something like this would pet her off sex, and if you love her, you will have to take it extremely slow with her and let her know that no one is going to hurt her, that you will protect her, and that sex can be a good thing. My ex loved sex, but she only told me after we had split up about being beaten by an ex bf, and abused as a young child. I wish she had told me of the latter before, but that wasn't the only thing she was hiding from me. She is a very strong woman.Just throwing it out there...
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RHP User
16 years ago
Female here... Honestly I am sick and tired of the excuses women do use... Oh I am the kids taxi, I have to do the housework, oh I dont feel attractive any more etc etc etc. Oh please .. does she still want to look the same as when you got married or before, because you cant turn back the clock ... and every one gets older, saggy bits and pieces...There is a great book that my 'now' husband got... not because I was like this .. but it see a side of women that most will NOT acknowledge... its called ... "Womens Infidelity' Living in Limbo (what women really mean when they say they are not happy) by Michelle Langley. Honestly I dont blame you for trying to get some on the side... No one should say otherwise. You have done the counselling etc... and honestly she will not come clean with exactly what is wrong and why she feels the way she does, she will say " oh its hard to explain, or you wouldnt understand'.... but most of the time the guys do understand. Next if you leave/ divorce, you have a lot more other problems to deal with.. and you know exactly what they would be. Women do not appreciate what they have in the relationship until it is finished. She will use the same excuses ... but why ... hopefully one day you will find out.
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RHP User
16 years ago
This has been discussed b4 on here. Another reason to a search facility in the forums. The short of my story. 20 years, bad vibes cos of the piss poor mechanical sex so I left. Best thing. Should have done it years b4 and my kids would have had a happy dad. Mars
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