M56
i intend to cheat - is this ever a good thing?
March 28 2012
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
And by that I mean a sex worker. Someone who can fulfil your needs without the need for lying and who can be assured of discretion.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I agree with MrsTri - seek out a lovely escort for snuggles, they're not all glamazon twenty year olds (although nothing wrong if you choose to go that route). Yes, it will cost you dollars but it can save you a lot of other grief as discretion is assured and there won't be an emotional involvement.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'MrsTri'And by that I mean a sex worker. Someone who can fulfil your needs without the need for lying and who can be assured of discretion. . Absolutely agree with this idea.
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RHP User
14 years ago
His wife may not approve of a pro or the *pro*hibitive cost. So it would still be lying if he did it on the sly. I could understand cheating in that sort of situation and I would forgive you if I found out but I am not your wife- I would just would advise in being very careful who with because with all that lack of affection you would be emotionally needy and more likely to have an affair of the heart and mind- not just the body. Everyone has needs......your no 1 need is to weigh up the cost benefit you may end up happier and have more to offer your wife and child or you may be riddled with guilt and hate it. Good luck it's a tricky one, think long and hard and don't get attached.Cass xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
And no doubt you have a moral dilemna here ... I do not have credentials in this area, although I have credentials as the Mum of a child with special needs and certainly as a wife and partner of 14 years once upon a time. That person put sex at the very end of the priority queue. It is fair to say that sometimes you simply don't have anything left of yourself physically, emotionally or spirtually to give to another person sexually. We all should not underestimate the power of the human touch. Physicality is important and quite often you cannot appreciate the vital nature of it until it is absent from your life ... For the record, I don't believe there is ever a reason, good or bad, to cheat. So there's the direct answer to your question. However, and as Cass points out, it's a pretty hefty however, if you were seeking an path of least possible fallout, I maintain you'd be far better off seeing someone like a prostitute, where you are at a much lower risk of forming an attachment or developing a "substitute".
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RHP User
14 years ago
Be careful about seeing a prostitute as what you appear to want is intimacy rather than sex. Also a prostitute will only give you a short term fix without actually helping resolve the problem. Personally I think your money would be better spent on a session or two with a counsellor on your own to establish what your needs are and also how to meet them, including other ways of broaching the subject again with your wife.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I feel for you Betty Ford,your families situation is extemely difficult and I am glad you are seeing a counsellor,just make sure it is the right one.If you feel you are not being listened to,find another one. I read your profile and your post carefully and you mention that you are not necessarily looking for sex,just some 'body loving'. Perhaps you could start by finding a really good massage therapist,touch is obviously something that is missing from your life and as humans it is something we all crave.A skilled massage therapist once a week, if you can afford it, may fill that need It would also be beneficial for your wife,she is probably so overwhelmed that some time out for her that is non sexual and with no demands may help her reaquaint herself with her sensuality.It's hard to feel sexy when you are in her situation. If you decide to have sex outside of your marriage be prepared for the consequences,guilt is a big one and finding lovers who are discreet and caring can be tricky but not impossible. If you have followed the other threads re this subject you will be aware that not many unattached women are keen to have any kind of a relationship with married men A woman in a similar situation would possibly be a solution,someone who wants to maintain her family and is not lookng for a new husband,as I said...tricky. .
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QLDtwo4fun
14 years ago
Rather than dwelling on sex with your wife, or the absence of sex, try a new approach. Just slowly increase the non sexual physical contact in your lives, let her feel loved and cherished. After a while, or if she starts to reciprocate become more flirty and sexual, without being pushy. Slowly build the titillation but always stop before she has to say no. Physical contact and sex are normal human needs, sometimes life just gets in the way. Boredom and bad experiences put us off things, good experiences leave you wanting more.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hookers DO get to say if they will/won't see a client. You won't be forcing youself on someone, if that is a consideration.Otherwise, I'm sure there are married women in similar situations. I would advise completely 100% against getting involved with anyone who is single.Just a thought (I will probably get lambasted for this) - It isn't cheating that hurts a person, it's the finding out about it that hurts them. Partners find out about cheating spouses because they don't care enough to keep it concealed i.e. out in public places, ludicrous excuses for being unavailable, receipts lying around, hotel rooms on credit cards. So, whatever you do, always ensure that you are respecting your wife and don't be lazy about your indiscretions.
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RHP User
14 years ago
If you're already going to counselling, can I just say congratulations, you've made the first step in realising you're in trouble and now you're wanting to fix it. That's awesome! You should be so proud that you've been able to identify a serious problem and work it out together - before you cheated! It shows you really love her and your family and I really respect that. Can I just think outside the box for a second, have you ever thought that maybe she thinks the same thing of you? When was the last time you tried to touch her? Maybe inside she's screaming out waiting for you to just grab her out of the shower and have hot sex but she doesn't know how to! Maybe it's just been too long and she's forgotten how to instigate it? After having kids maybe she doesn't like her body anymore? In her mind it might be easier for her to reject you (as an immediate reaction) than it is for you to reject her? Maybe she cries to her friends about how you never touch her anymore? Have you told her she's still sexy and beautiful and you're still madly in love with her? Have you tried, like, really, REALLY tried? All relationships require hard work, it's a two way street and It's rarely perfect all the time. He's a brilliant marriage counsellor and really believes you can save a marriage no matter what the problems are, even after infidelity. He talks about the "love bank" and depositing love credits into each others account. lol! Sounds a bit crazy but he really makes a great point. Read some of the letters people have sent, he has fantastic advice for people in this situation and worse! Please don't give up yet. Remember all the good times you shared? I bet you're smiling right now thinking of all the great times together and how much you love her! The wedding, how beautiful she looked. The birth of your children and the tears of joy holding that tiny little person you made! You've been through so much already, don't let this break you. It will come back to her. You'll be suprised what you can overcome if you just give yourselves a chance. Cheating is not the answer, trust me. It will provide a quick fix and probabaly some much needed relief! I honestly believe there's no such thing as not getting emotionally involved in an affair because how can you not get involved when you're doing something that's so intimate? After a while you will feel guilty, you'll hate yourself and worst of all you'll regret it for the rest of your life. My advice - Do what you can live with, at the end of the day that's all we've got. We can't lie to ourselves no matter how hard we try. If you do go ahead, She'd better be worth ultimately loosing everything you've "fought tohether so hard" for?! Good luck and I wish you all the very best Heather xo
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RHP User
14 years ago
...is true, then at least in the short term you really don't need to "do" anything. First, step back and take pride in what you have contributed to the lives of your wife and children...it's easy to overlook the "you" in situations like this and maybe time to do just that. You have had a long term and loving marriage, sex was not the sole focus from the beginning and whilst I do understand and emphasize with you...you have a great deal to be proud of so start there. | Your life right now might look like a teeter totter balanced on a fulcrum with pain on one side pinning it down and not much on the other...so being human and having endured a great deal, you want and need to bring back the balance, right? By the way, even the best of the best do eventually crack under fire...you been through a lot, but is trying to throw physical pleasure on the other side going to really help or better still solve the problem? Remember that pain weighs more than pleasure...you put a handful of pleasure sand on one side and you've just dumped a bucket of pain sand on the other, guilt, shame, fear and remorse are a heavy price to pay. It really doesn't matter if it's a pro or an unpaid volunteer...your risking a lot both emotionally, mentally and physically. Remember too, you will share this inadvertently in some form with everyone in your family. | What to do...and this is only a suggestion and my very humble opinion, but find a good psychiatrist (forget counselors and psychologists...they're flavour of the day pop culture) and sort yourself out first. You may have depression, an anxiety disorder, PTSD (yes, even going through an event) or something else but talk it all through first and discuss sex outside your marriage as one option you are considering now. You may just find that he/she agrees with you...some even know sex workers and will take the time to help you deal with your feelings if that is the course you choose. | Really long winded, my apologies and only hope it helps a little...it's one hell of a tough spot to be in and I wish you the very best. As with anything in life, it's your journey and the steps you take are yours...personally, I would never sit in judgment of anyone. | Oh and just for the record, I am not a professional anything that really matters much...just someone with a different point of view. All the best.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'QLDtwo4fun' Rather than dwelling on sex with your wife, or the absence of sex, try a new approach. Just slowly increase the non sexual physical contact in your lives, let her feel loved and cherished. After a while, or if she starts to reciprocate become more flirty and sexual, without being pushy. Slowly build the titillation but always stop before she has to say no. Physical contact and sex are normal human needs, sometimes life just gets in the way. Boredom and bad experiences put us off things, good experiences leave you wanting more. you give responses to all of the questions and comments you think we'll make, and I get that you are (seem, at least) very sincere. I get that you're caught between a rock and a hard place.I would say that while your wife isn't into sex, it's entirely possible that she's just not living a life that helps her to feel sexy, sexual or similar. In different circumstances, with a different focus for her and on her, who knows what interest she might feel. I've read enough stories on here to know that people can have turning points, go from no libido to ample libido with the right person at the right time. So my question for you is are you sure you've done all that you can to coax 'sexy' out of your wife. As per the quote above, it's not all about talking things through. Often it's about building intimacy without the expectation of sex (or even kissing), so that a woman can feel safe and like nothing's expected of her. The more she feels that way, the more freely she might be willing to give. Does she feel beautiful? Desired for herself, not just because you need sex? Does she see pride and admiration and desire and gratitude in your eyes when you look at her? Do you light up when she's around? If so, does she know that? Do you laugh together? Do light hearted, silly things together? Do you talk to each other with gratitude?It's not all her and her libido, it's also you and how you feel about her. I think one of you could, if you wanted to, take the lead in rediscovering each other emotionally and physically. Yes it might need to be slow. But it might also be worth it.Cheating? I don't know whether it's right or wrong for you. Judging the decisions and actions of others is a foolish game.All the very best in what sounds like a tough situation xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
My first marriage was as you've described. I restricted myself to working girls for many years but this did not satisfy. Yes, I needed intimacy. I then had several affairs. Much more exciting and fun but ultimately just as shallow and still no satisfaction. I then just stayed at home, for several more years, feeling emotionally numb. I tried discussing things with my wife. I told her, straight out, that I didn't see us remaining together once the kids were grown but that didn't change her complacency. She started suspecting me of having an affair and I was foolish enough to confess my previous indiscretions (almost ten years after they occured) in an effort to explain that I had already gotten that out of my system. She divorced me. Now I'm in a fairytale relationship and happier than I thought possible (eight years and still honeymooners). Best advice I can give you is to confront your wife, tell her the marriage needs serious work or you walk. Don't let it drag on as long as I did. Life is too short.
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RogueGeek
14 years ago
They are the specialists who write the diagnostic manuals for mental illness. Your GP can set up a Mental Health Plan with Medicare so you can get rebates for visits with a Clinical Psychologist. The majority of Clin Psychs are not medical doctors so they can not prescribe medication, however they can make recommendations to your GP; they may also work in tandem with a psychiatrist. Quoting 'ChasingMidnight' but find a good psychiatrist (forget counselors and psychologists...they're flavour of the day pop culture) and sort yourself out first. You may have depression, an anxiety disorder, PTSD (yes, even going through an event)As for the OP... I'm sorry but I can't help you :|Cheers,MS
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RHP User
14 years ago
Sure. Go for it. You've got a perfect reason. You're an adult human and you need sex and your marriage has evolved into a share accommodation situation. The question is, can you handle the situation. Ask yourself... what do I really want? You might decide you really don't want sex with anyone else, in which case you would tell your wife, using "I" sentences. You might decide you really do want to change your relationship status, or that you can get a bit of satisfaction on the side... whatever you do, do it to please yourself. You only live once.... and your wife seems to have decided she is pleased without sex. Good for her! Everyone's a winner! Hugs Stalky
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RHP User
14 years ago
Not a good dilema to find yourself in and I can see how lonely an existence it must be for you. I'm not qualified in the area but did work in a social work setting many years ago. You may have already looked into getting Respite Care. This is where the kids are taken off your hands and cared for by a qualified special needs carer. It will give you and your wife a chance to just relax and have some time for yourselves. Take a well earned holiday together somewhere relaxing and indulge yourselves in some pampering - day spa style with massages. It clears the mind and envigorates the body. Your wife probably needs a lot of TLC. Mums tends to put themselves last and unfortunately that sometimes puts their partner at the end of the line too. I don't know your circumstances or if this is feasible but what I am hearing is that you both need to reconnect and get balance back into your lives. Taking time to go to massage classes may rekindle some emotional and physical urges. Good luck!
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RHP User
14 years ago
A tough decision mate and I am sure many people would be torn in the same situation. I had a lady approach me recently by email, and she was tying to justify and convince me that lying to her husband and cheating on him was a good thing. Her situation similar, she too approached her partner about swinging and he however just wanted to be with her and there lies the difference. If she is unwilling to have sex with you, as her husband the respect and consideration for your needs has been lost. I still do not think cheating is the answer instead inform her again that your needs have to be for filled too with or without her. It sounds like you still love her dearly, but sometimes as hard as the truth is to hear, its easier to deal with in the long term ....I agree with Stalky it sounds like you are looking for a wife and not a roomate, which seems to be ironic since you are married yet the love and passion you too once had has seemed to of diminished into roomateship and the forced togetherness for the sake of circumstances. Sex is one thing, love and affection is another. It sounds like you are looking for the love and affection you once had first time you two were together but has since diminished due to the drama that has gotten you both too exhausted to invest in each other. Is there any way to reignite that spark? or is it long gone? If it is gone maybe you two should discuss your options (in house split, trial seperation etc). If it can be saved maybe try that first, but both parties have to be willing to try, and if one isn't then there is no relationship just roomateship........Alll the best I hope whatever you choose, you follow your heart and stick to your conscience . Good luck
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RHP User
14 years ago
firstly thank you for restoring my faith in people. i haven't been able to talk to my friends about this and after reading a few threads i thought i would get hammered by you. this really is a safe environment for discussing this. thanks for taking my post seriously and for responding with thought rather than automatically taking the easy option. i will totally understand if you do want to crucify me as i'm sure there are those reading this who have been the victim of what i'm contemplating.you have all given so much advice and taken so much time in typing it up i am really touched. thank you.a few points to note from all of the above.1. i am not in danger with falling in love with anybody. i have been around the block enough to know that i am not looking for a partner or would want anybody to want to get involved with me. i wouldn't be needy other than wanting to give and receive total body pleasure, touching and intimacy.2. a sex worker would suffice but they would want to leave after an hour. actually they would probably want to make it as quick as possible. do anything to make me come and then want to leave to go to the next job. this isn't about the sex. yes i understand it would lead to sex but it's the time enjoying each other's body and touches i am craving, regardless of orgasm.3. good point hesione regarding the massage therapist. i did have a massage awhile back and almost got off on it. i fantasised about a happy ending. maybe you have a point.4. wifey has never really been into sex. i just don't think she digs it. right at the very beginning maybe but that was very short lived.5. i know i am just as much to blame for this situation. yes i should be touching her more and flirting more. i will try that so thank you. just tonight we watched our wedding video. her idea. very romantic but neither of us felt the need to get naked.6. thanks stalky - i've seen you reply to a few threads and you are pretty consistent!7. i can live with the guilt. i can't live with the consequences of her finding out as i couldn't stand the hurt i would cause her.i really don't know which way i will go. the last point (7) should determine my choice but i have to be realistic. when i was smoking i knew it was bad but i still did it. i suspect that this issue might be the same for me.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I gather you don't want to make her life more stressful by putting sexual demands on her when she is already spent, or crush her by separating/ splitting up, you want to make your life happier (a noble cause) as Stalky said you only live once. It seems as though you give a lot of yourself caring and providing for your family if you decide to supplement your lovin and focus on your happiness then I would keep yourself in check- OFTEN. I have a special needs child and I know how hard it is on the whole family.I would make sure I had an *extra* high level of consideration for both your wife and kids. I would try to counter balance what I take by giving more and I hope that you feel more energised to do so- I would interact, play, read more with the kids take them out at crazy time and give your wife a break, spend time one on one with your kids weekly as the non special needs ones will be having a hard time too and it is important for them to be the centre of attention for a change- we do that with our kids and it changes the dynamics of our home. Make sure you provide outlets for your wife to to feel love and pleasure, she is not into sex but maybe another passion/ like- give her free time in proportion to your "special time" and you hold the fort. You can be a careless asshole about it or you can be considerate. I was thinking overnight respite/ camps too but you should use it for special times with your wife- movies, dinner, tandem massages, reading, sleep whatever she likes and that you enjoy too. And do it out of love and betterment not out of guilt- yes you deserve happiness and yes they deserve it too win/win unless she finds out but hey she might understand you trying to protect her feelings and she may feel guilty about your sex life- who knows? I hope you never have to find out- be careful! for the sake of your kids they sense everything!! Cass xxxI agree with CM about the sand bags.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Why don't you try to get tough and demand more from her. Tell her everything, be honest. Tell her you are on the verge of cheating, because you are starved of sex and affection. Tell her over and over and urge her very strongly to get with the program. If you do cheat, tell her. It might blow your world apart, but sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Wow, this is a really hard one!! It's not nice to be cheated on, yet it is also not ideal at all to live your life without intimacy. One of the pleasures of being in a relationship is - or should be - 'sex on tap'... sometimes it's hot, fast and to the point and at others its long, drawn out and all about the journey. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion - please no roasting lol) it is unfair of anyone to shut themselves down to their partner physically... isn't it sort of like a breach of contract? There has to be some sort of compromise. I do understand from a womans point of view that life can get busy and sex can sometimes get shoved to the bottom of the priority list... God I do... but when two people are in a relationship, the needs of both need to be taken into consideration. I can totally understand someone going outside of the relationship to have their needs catered to. Just wondering Bettyford, if you have taken the step of perhaps getting someone whom you both trust to hold the fort with the kids, house etc and taken the Mrs on a night/weekend away with massages, pampering etc, to see if that can get her in the mood. Let her know it's no pressure, just a night or two away together where you can focus on each other and see where it goes, may be a good time to confront the issue too, tell her exactly how you are feeling, you never know, it just might work, or she may say, I love you and need you, but I have no room in my life for sex anymore, so if you must seek intimacy elsewhere, just be discreet... But yes, I agree with Stalky and Jensman, the issue needs to be dealt with, you are here in this life for another 30 or so years...
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RHP User
14 years ago
Personally, I think if you are doing this to keep yourself sane, and to get what you're missing out on, then if you're careful and don't do it when you're needed at home the most, then why not.We have a special needs child also, and understand the huge pressure and strain it can put on a relationship and often leave no time for intimacy which is important in most relationships.I cheated on my Ex Wife for years (she never found out) as I was careful to do it when it least impacted her/us, and set myself a few rules which I made sure I didn't break. In my case I wasn't getting any sex at home either. Lucky once every 6 months.We all have wants and desires, and indeed needs, and you are only human. Play careful and play safe, and enjoy your journey.Mr Mad
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RHP User
14 years ago
bettyford60 - You're at the end of your tether.. I can hear that. A lot of really good advice and suggestions I've read so far. Personally, I don't think a prostitute is the way to go, you want affection and closeness that is meaningful to you... when you pay someone for sex, cuddles, kisses, whatever.. it's not meaningful to them or you... it's just money, you get off, leave and feel empty again. You want intimacy and you want to feel wanted, am I correct? ... If so, money isn't going to cut it. I don't think you're doing the wrong thing, you've tried... there's no light at the end of the tunnel that you can see so here you are. This could be a good thing for you and may give you just that small spark to keep pushing on in what seems to be your hectic life. Tell your wife if you want to, or don't.. at the end of the day you're the only one answerable. Sometimes it's just easier to say nothing but always be prepared to have to explain yourself just in case. Ellenbrook40 i think has a real approach to this. Don't over think it, if you want to see a woman that you think you can trust for some intimate time then do it. We all have the right to feel good, don't let anyone take that away from you. All the very best xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
are the reason I am here on RHP having so much fun. I'll give you the good time you are craving and send you back to your wife happy and with the strength to carry on being a good husband and father. But you would have to do a lot more with your profile, so far it doesn't do much for either of us
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Saskia72' Wow, this is a really hard one!! It's not nice to be cheated on, yet it is also not ideal at all to live your life without intimacy. One of the pleasures of being in a relationship is - or should be - 'sex on tap'... sometimes it's hot, fast and to the point and at others its long, drawn out and all about the journey. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion - please no roasting lol) it is unfair of anyone to shut themselves down to their partner physically... isn't it sort of like a breach of contract? There has to be some sort of compromise. I do understand from a womans point of view that life can get busy and sex can sometimes get shoved to the bottom of the priority list... God I do... but when two people are in a relationship, the needs of both need to be taken into consideration. I can totally understand someone going outside of the relationship to have their needs catered to. Just wondering Bettyford, if you have taken the step of perhaps getting someone whom you both trust to hold the fort with the kids, house etc and taken the Mrs on a night/weekend away with massages, pampering etc, to see if that can get her in the mood. Let her know it's no pressure, just a night or two away together where you can focus on each other and see where it goes, may be a good time to confront the issue too, tell her exactly how you are feeling, you never know, it just might work, or she may say, I love you and need you, but I have no room in my life for sex anymore, so if you must seek intimacy elsewhere, just be discreet... But yes, I agree with Stalky and Jensman, the issue needs to be dealt with, you are here in this life for another 30 or so years... for the breach of contract phrase :) It took me 12 years of no intimacy and constant 'talking' about it, to finally click that my husband was not living up to his part of our marriage. I could never find the words for the sense of hurt and betrayal I finally let myself feel. Cheating is a breach of contract, but so is denying / withholding / disengaging from physical intimacy - it's perhaps just not something that gets talked about quite as much.While I think that often the issue can be resolved by confronting it head on, and acknowledge that sometimes it can't, I also agree it's not something anyone should be expected to live with forever.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Whether they are the are the 'disengager' or the 'cheater' I don't see the point in vilifying people just because they are breaching their marital contract- some selfish people may have no reason or just cause to disengage or cheat... and I disagree with. that. Some partners are just plain lazy and mentally elsewhere to stay intimate with their spouse. However not everyone is like that there are plenty of hard working, kind hearted, family oriented people out there with a heap of shit to deal with that deserve a bit more understanding from others- I say- and the responses here restore my faith in humanity :) Soooooo pleased right now Cass xxxQuoting 'Angelic2011' Quoting 'Saskia72' Wow, this is a really hard one!! It's not nice to be cheated on, yet it is also not ideal at all to live your life without intimacy. One of the pleasures of being in a relationship is - or should be - 'sex on tap'... sometimes it's hot, fast and to the point and at others its long, drawn out and all about the journey. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion - please no roasting lol) it is unfair of anyone to shut themselves down to their partner physically... isn't it sort of like a breach of contract? There has to be some sort of compromise. I do understand from a womans point of view that life can get busy and sex can sometimes get shoved to the bottom of the priority list... God I do... but when two people are in a relationship, the needs of both need to be taken into consideration. I can totally understand someone going outside of the relationship to have their needs catered to. Just wondering Bettyford, if you have taken the step of perhaps getting someone whom you both trust to hold the fort with the kids, house etc and taken the Mrs on a night/weekend away with massages, pampering etc, to see if that can get her in the mood. Let her know it's no pressure, just a night or two away together where you can focus on each other and see where it goes, may be a good time to confront the issue too, tell her exactly how you are feeling, you never know, it just might work, or she may say, I love you and need you, but I have no room in my life for sex anymore, so if you must seek intimacy elsewhere, just be discreet... But yes, I agree with Stalky and Jensman, the issue needs to be dealt with, you are here in this life for another 30 or so years... for the breach of contract phrase :) It took me 12 years of no intimacy and constant 'talking' about it, to finally click that my husband was not living up to his part of our marriage. I could never find the words for the sense of hurt and betrayal I finally let myself feel. Cheating is a breach of contract, but so is denying / withholding / disengaging from physical intimacy - it's perhaps just not something that gets talked about quite as much.While I think that often the issue can be resolved by confronting it head on, and acknowledge that sometimes it can't, I also agree it's not something anyone should be expected to live with forever.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hey Angelic, I am glad you were able to change your situation, as Cass says people are only to ready to vilify cheaters, but there are so many reasons why the person ends up doing what they are doing, some bad, and some that you can really understand... until you have walked a mile in someones shoes, you really can't judge their behaviour. Living in a passionless marriage when you crave a little understanding and warmth must be a really difficult way to live your life... something akin to torture I imagine. So yes I wholeheartedly agree that if this is truly the situation and it can't be resloved, you must do what you must in order to live a full and happy life. Oh and Xplicit lyrics, I also agree with you about the working girls, when it's affection you crave paying someone to come in and 'service' you isn't going to cut it, in the end you know you are paying them for their time and they don't really give a crap... Bettyford, I wish you the best of luck in finding what it is you seek, I just hope it doesn't turn out to be messy, as much as we can all agree that if you must seek comfort elsewhere, we can't foretell how it will all work out... Take care.
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RHP User
14 years ago
the forums exceed my expectations :) Thanks peeps xP.S. I stayed for 12 years because I loved him. My ex husband is truly one of the most wonderful men I've ever known. Gorgeous to look at, huge big heart, smart, kind, generous, very masculine, lots of fun, an all-round good Aussie bloke. We were just awfully mismatched sexually and he didn't think it mattered enough to do something about it. In the end, I did.Mum always used to say to me that you never really know inside someone's marriage (or relationship) and I think that's so true. Like Saskia says, until you've walked a mile ...Bettyford I hope you take comfort from the kindness and support you read on this thread. I admire you for your post and for revealing so much about your situation. I hope you find your way, whatever that might be, without too much heart break for yourself or others.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Living in a passionless marriage when you crave a little understanding and warmth must be a really difficult way to live your life... something akin to torture I imagine. Agreed totally!
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RHP User
14 years ago
Easier said than done I know. I agree with you Sensory_Fun. Respite is a great idea. As parents of a special needs child we find that respite helps put a little balance back in our lives. You know just that teeny tiny break makes a difference. Whether it's just me taking the kids out, or my partner and I going out for dinner and a movie, or just me going out on my own. It's a great feeling of having that freedom, even if it is only for an hour. BUt if putting your child into a respite centre isn't for you, try networking and find a carer to come to you. They may even look after your other children to. Sometimes you just need to step back from the situation at home and realise that you can and deserve to have time out for the BOTH OF YOU. So I definately think respite is something you should look into, maybe you do already and it's just not enough. There are plenty of organisations you can approach for funding. But one thing I would say is for YOU to (at least once) do the organising, arrange the respite, take HER out, make her feel special without the expectation of sex. And maybe just maybe...... After all it's the small things that make a person feel good/wanted. I do realise that you to seem to be lacking any form intimacy from her, but put yourself aside for a moment and let her see that you do still love her. Work on the little things that matter in the relationship. I really do hope that things can turn around for you two. Goodluck! As with cheating, well that's not for me or anyone else to decide whether it'll help or not. In the end you'll make the right decision for yourself. Case xx
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RHP User
14 years ago
How are you going to look into your wifes eyes aftrer having your dick sucked by another woman oh yes you only want intimacy but as you say it wil lead to sex wont it will you care that maybe your wife needed a tender touch tonight will you care that you are doing htis while she is caring for your child what you dont like what i am saying well get used to it because what the fuck do you think she will be saying when she finds out oh poor you I understand. i felt sorry for you when i first read your post but I just feel like so many cheating husbands/wives they always have an excuse and its never their fault. I too was in an unhappy sexless loveless marraige probably very different from your own I dealt with it my way and you must make your choice. Cheating is going to have some serious complications Can you deal with that, if you are indeed a sensitive caring husband then direct that towards your wife because once you start directing it elsewhere it will be a relationship one with no problems when you walk in the door at night no sick child and in the end you will choose the nice hassle free place to go to I have seen that happen before a parent who left with the childs carer.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Quoting 'Jay_Me'And I think all prejudice against married couples in these loveless sexless relationships need to be rethought.... Just because you have a certificate thats says you were joined at a time when you both had stars in your eyes, that certainly does not mean you must forego every last bit of intimate feeling you have forever.We all have a need to feel intimate with our wife , husband , GF or BF, so if thats not happening' surely we have the right or as a normal human being to want that satisfy that urge..Im not talking about cheating here, Im talking about feeling trapped but not wanting to hurt your partner...Unless' you experience this ' you will never know how it feels...
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RHP User
14 years ago
you have all taken the time to write so much. i am now absorbing it. thank you too beneath blue-eyes. i was actually expecting many more replies like yours when i posted. i was feeling guilty at what i wanted to do and was maybe even hoping that some of the punishment that was inevitable might make me see clearly. it's taken me by surprise that most replies have been from an understanding point.some people have sent me a message. i've replied but they seem to disappear. maybe it's because of my free account. there's no way i'll be subscribing as i don't pay the bills and wouldn't want it showing up.anyway - i'm not saying that what i'm doing is right. it isn't. i wouldn't want my wife to be thinking such thoughts. if she did, however, then i really wouldn't want to know about it. i would hope she would try it and get it out of her system without me ever knowing.more and more of me just wants to do this and really enjoy it with complete abandonment.i'm not sure what i'll do but i'll give you all the respect that you have given me and i'll let you know what i end up doing. if you want i'll include explicit details. not sure what's kosha with the posts in forums. who knows, maybe on this site it might get somebody off!i've been clicking on most of your profiles and you have some hot packages going on there. good for you. no wonder you are all enjoying each other's bodies as they look pretty tasty!take care, for now. xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
i considered getting with somebody i hardly know but it could be on the cards. i had a couple of messages from people in here and sent a couple of flirts after checking out the profiles. cass you rock - very cute!!! .... and i like your perspective in the posts i've read.anyway i decided to do what was suggested early. i sought professional help. i also decided to follow the advice of another person who responded, and got a massage.... both at the same time. i spent a delightful hour with a professional girl having moisturiser rubbed in. at the same time i touched her gently all over except for her genitals. it ended in a happy ending. i got the two way touching and intimacy followed by release, which was what i was craving. there was also some light kissing which was nice. i justified it ultimately to myself in that because we didn't have sex it's ok. i know it's not ok as a partner but a sensual massage is better than having sex with either a random, friend or a call girl. i have had no feelings of guilt. i've been curious about whether i'll feel like doing it again but that's all. actually paying $200 was a good investment but it also precludes me from making this a habit. i have seen that a body is just a body and that i need to be able to get back to a place of intimacy with my wife. i have actually been a lot more attentive. we still haven't gotten it on but am in a much better place. so thank you all - i'm not sure if i'll be back or not. i guess time will tell. take care. x
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RHP User
14 years ago
we love it when men broadcast that they are attached and up to no good..... means we can add them to our block list without ever coming into contact with them....well done!
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