M47

legitimate or just being nice about it?

April 14 2014

ok, here is a good one and totally requires a woman's POV. I had met someone recently and by all accounts we seem to have hit it off in all the right ways and have very similar likes and dislikes and interests and yadda yadda yadda. Our birthdays is even a day apart, whats the odds? background on both of us we had left relationships a couple months back, mine was 3 years hers was 6 months. But that didn't seem to impact very highly on the interest level between us. Only issue we have is time as she is very busy with her career and going out on dates whenever we like is very much a pipe dream. I had gone away for work last week and couldn't phone or text as I was out of reception range and she was made aware of this. Whyen I was able to naturally I messaged to say hello and see how she was doing and this the message, verbatim, that I got "Hey. I can't do this right now. I have to be alone. I'm not dealing with things well and possibly adding another person to my situation will just complicate it more." I didn't ask questions, interrogate her about it I just said that that was ok and I would respect her wishes and I was there for her to talk to if she needed. We are still facebook friends not that truly means a whole lot but the thing that is nagging me is whether truly im being blown off, had she like met someone whilst I was gone for a week and just didn't want to tell me or is she being legitimate about her situation. I am a bit wary of the "you're a nice guy but....", " it's not you it's me" kind of sounding riffs which this kinda sorta sounds like. I dunno, maybe I am reading too much into it. thoughts?

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RHP User

12 years ago

From what you've written, I say that you are smitten with this lady, more so than she is with you. So smitten that you are only seeing things that you want to see (eg. Your birthday being a day apart is pure coincidence, not Fate). I feel that she knows this and even though she may like your company, she's probably feeling a little 'suffocated' by you 'hovering' over her in the short time that you've known each other and may be expressing the need for some breathing space. Of course I don't know either of you nor the full story and am just deriving this from what you've written. I could be wrong. The only way to find out is to ask her. All the best, OP. - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

arkangel we could argue this until the cows come home and never get to the correct answer. I think you acted exactly how you should have, with dignity and you respected her wishes and told her you are available if she needs to talk. That is all you can do. She is probably going through some personal stuff.

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RHP User

12 years ago

I have seen men come out of 20 year realtionships and walk straight into the next like the last had no effect on them, yet women can be far more emotional and without knowing all the ifs and buts she could take a bit more time to get through her issues. A nice message every now and then saying hi how are you might be all she needs. Be patient .

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RHP User

12 years ago

Busy with her work? Going on dates whenever you liked is a pipe dream? Yeah I was seeing a guy like that. Truth is he was happy for a causal root nothing more, so there was no spontaneity. He was also VERY set in his ways. At the end of the day he wasn't in interested in a relationship so kept these rules in place in order to keep boundaries between himself and the women he saw. Maybe your girl is doing the same. Maybe, you were a little too clingy as Tulips has suggested. Personally if I was really into a guy I would find time to see him often..... I mean unless she is a general manager or CEO you should have time for a personal life. Yes?

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RHP User

12 years ago

The best gift you can give someone...... is the gift of missing you. I'd suggest there was a bit too much contact between you and that plus some other catalyst has led to her comment. So..... give her the GIFT. If she returns it, great. If not.... move on, because she has. DG - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

no no no no noooo way. clingy, hardly. smitten, yeah a bit but the feelings and feedback I was getting was very mutual. She was as keen as beans as I was. Only have my word for it but I have never acted clingy or hovering or anything like that. Played it super chill. we just had regular flirtatious conversation. Just all of a sudden is a huge backflip and I find that odd. I guess I don't have the full story myself and I should ask what the matter is with her but I have already said I would leave her be as she asked so I have been keeping to that. Honestly if I have made her feel uncomfortable in any way, shape or form from how I interacted with her i'll eat my hat....with sauce. I never got the vibe that I was being too keen or suffocating her. end of the day everyone is right and nobody is wrong I guess. I'll never know for sure and i'll just have to wait and see if she comes around in her own good time

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RHP User

12 years ago

Is the only one who knows.......we can speculate until the cows come home....means nought....if she is interested in you,she will contact you.....but don't sit by the phone waiting.....life goes on x Q

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RHP User

12 years ago

In short..... did you have sex? If so... it wasnt good for her... or she'd want more. If not... you took too long and the banter failed to launch the missile. Or maybe she really DOES have a lot going on... and theres no room for you... whatever it is she has going on. Thats just how it is.The end. DG

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MsSuperFoxy

12 years ago

That's it....she's lost interest and not that into you. By her email it sounds like she has not ready for anything. I don't know why, who, when, or anything like that...it's just that. It can be a cruel world sometimes. It sucks I know and I feel for you. I have a girlfriend going through the exact same thing. I think most of us at one time or other. Farrrrrrrrrrk it hurts sometimes and drives one nuts! What you have done is behaved with respect and dignity. That's all you can do...if you pressure her in any shape or form she will run! You can't do much more than what you have done. Give and allow your self time to grief.. Count yourself lucky she sent you an email some people don't even receive that or get the closure. I think I would rather nothing, than an email (like the one you got) myself. Foxy xx

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erotictouch4u

12 years ago

Very much interested, shared emotional situation, plenty of txting, chat, both sexual inuendo and general topics then...similar sort of message..."had to sort herself out being so rundown from being too busy with multiple jobs". Quoting 'Cest_la_viebaby' A nice message every now and then saying hi how are you might be all she needs. Be patient . This worked with me and after a few months she decided lunch would be nice and we met.Still friends after a year but nothing you would call a fire-starter like it sounded it was going to be at the very start. ET xox

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sweetgem

12 years ago

How important is that message (from the lady in question) to you? Who was she to you, a friend? A FWB? Or a date for a potential relationship? If I had received the same message from a man whom I had only recently met, then I would not read too much into it and believe that he had a situation to sort out. Yes, some people are nice and don't want to hurt others' feelings by rejecting them too direct or harshly, but I don't think anyone would say that they are not dealing with things well and that they have a situation in their personal life, just to reject someone. From psychological POV, the line "not dealing with things well" gives a negative vibe and message about the person. Sometimes (depends on circumstances) it could mean the person is emotionally or mentally depressed. Therefore, I do not think anyone would be making that kind of statement so lightly. Hence, IMO Arkangel1978, do not doubt about the woman's message or even the lady herself! You do not need to grieve over the incident either as you guys have only met recently, and from what you have described, you didn't even seem to have gone too far in to the emotional radar :-) - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

As there's quite often an agenda to hear only what you wish to hear, hence the need for a woman's perspective. But..... The reality is, she's telling you straight what she needs. Accept it as it is verbatim. And..... If I were in that situation - which I'm not - I'd disentangle myself, and as DG said, let her seek you out now. If she does...cool. If she doesn't.....by that time you'll have found someone else. :) - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

Maybe she does just need the time and space to sort out her own emotions and feelings. Give it to her. Give her time to miss you, to miss being with you, talking to you. I can understand her saying that she's not dealing with things well. A lot of us do go through phases when it feels like it's all going to shit. Hopefully a bit of time will give her a more clarity. Now if only I could follow my own advice.

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RHP User

12 years ago

It's easy.....keep focused on what you've achieved....and what you've got left to achieve.... Put that first before anything else and you won't have to worry eh?? - Posted from rhpmobile

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RHP User

12 years ago

Quoting 'Mischeviouslad' The best gift you can give someone...... is the gift of missing you. I'd suggest there was a bit too much contact between you and that plus some other catalyst has led to her comment. So..... give her the GIFT. If she returns it, great. If not.... move on, because she has. DG - Posted from rhpmobile I know how you feel. I have just recently been through this and have just realised how to deal with it

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RHP User

12 years ago

all advice is good, thanks gang. i'm going with what I am doing and playing it cool. just got a really good feeling about her but quite right you cant force something to occur. just gotta go with the flow

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RHP User

12 years ago

Unfortunately, She's just not that into you, dispite your feelings to the contrary. - Posted from rhpmobile

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Seachange73

12 years ago

I was in a similar situation a while back after I left my ex. I was lonely for company and wanted a warm body to wake up to and some sexual gratification. Yes we were both attracted to each other but with him, it was more so and I couldn't handle the idea of being in a relationship, or seeing someone regular, so soon and needed to sort out my issues. So I told him nicely how I felt and felt bad that I may have used him to fill some voids in my life then. Give it some time and if the attraction (and friendship) is genuine, then she could call back. But I see you were into her more than she is into you and that is why it disturbs you. This doubting will not happen if you hooked up with someone ion a platonic level and you were not as attracted to her. Don't beat yourself up for that and just take it for what it is. You seem like a very nice and decent guy and quite attractive too.You have a lot to offer. Just move on, relax and be in the moment with the next person you connect with. One door closes, a few doors open. Good luck.

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RHP User

12 years ago

been on the other end of this (cutting contact) and whilst I really did like the girl and vice versa, I really couldn't handle the direction that the 'relationship' was heading and one of the things that I appreciate her for the most is that she understood and respected my wishes..so just give her space :)

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RHP User

12 years ago

I never did find out exactly what she wanted but I did learn a lot about what she didn't want.After some reflection I'm a bit stung by the way she back-pedalled out of my life...she was the one who said, in reference to Mrs Denials "Women can be difficult"Such is life, her choice, I must respect it. I do think she could have been a bit less brutal and a bit more honest about how she dumped me for another bloke...HTFU JD OP there was once thread about the quicksands of the friendship zone...it should be searchable.

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legitimate or just being nice about it?

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