M52
lost for words
February 28 2012
Comments
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RHP User
14 years ago
The fact that you are aware of what is happening and what you think people are requiring/needing already shows your empathetic nature…trust me…you don’t have to say a word..just be there…listen if they need to talk, makes cups of tea …cater to any physical need….words at times, are so inappropriate and in times like this…well actions speak louder than words..just be there for them, today and every other day after..that can, be at times…..enough…
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RHP User
14 years ago
You are also in the mix of this as well, allow others to comfort you. The words and the way you handle this will just come to you without any advice from anyone. It is the nature of grief it finds its own path.
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RHP User
14 years ago
when you feel you need to say something but you just can't think what is appropriate. just feeling useless.But as those above say, just listening to a persons story is often the most useful thing you can do. having recently been in a difficult emotional position my self, i can't stress enough how important an empathetic ear (or a hug) is.be prepared to hear the same story a few times.
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RHP User
14 years ago
It all depends on beliefs and spirituality as to how one handles grief.Myself i tend to hold to various ideas and beliefs and yet subscribe to no form of organized religion.One idea i believe is that;Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean. I know when i look deeply into the palm of my hand, I see my parents and all the generations of my ancestors, all of them are alive there at that very moment. Each is present in my body. I am the continuation of each of these people.I find comfort in the Idea that the Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?" What i am expressing is that i think that everything happens according to wise and just divine laws which give us the lessons we need for our spiritual evolution.For some reason, it is best for some people to move on to another level of existence and for the rest of us to continue on here, without them.I aim never to forget that they are an eternal, immortal soul who continues to live in another dimension more beautiful than the one in which we currently exist.
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RHP User
14 years ago
everyone will support everyone at a time like this for you. Stay strong for each other dont worry about what to say just been there shows enough.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I am so sorry J, that is very heart breaking news about your aunty. I agree with everyone above. What can anyone really say in these situations? I don't think anyone expects you to say something that will make things easier. Just be with your Mum and cousins. I am sure that you are all in shock and this can last for months. As for your mate, I know when my Dad passed away, just knowing that people were thinking of me and had offered their support really meant so much to me. Just asking if there is anything you can do to help is enough. There is nothing anyone can say to make this easier, or better. A person works through these things in their own way and time... but your friendship will be appreciated. And ask about it, ask how he is or let him talk about his grandmother. Sometimes people don't know what to say so they do everything to avoid the topic. So if your mate wants to talk about it... let him. Look after yourself J, I am sure you are needing some comfort to right now. xxxxMeeka
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RHP User
14 years ago
Nobody knows what to say Wings. It is very distressing for everyone. Sometimes it's ok to say nothing. A decent hug is not bad. How close are you to your mate? Sorry couldn't resist cause I'm an insensitive areshole. I really feel at times that I have no emotions of my own, only those that I pick up from others. When people are distressed they cannot think clearly. Even simple tasks become difficult. You can show that you care by performing simple tasks for them. People do things like... bring a meal so that simple task is taken care of.... you get the idea. Emotional and physical support. You really don't need to say anything. I try and avoid saying things as I'm just as likely to make some inappropriate wise crack. It doesn't stop me from thinking them up though, so that part of me that protects the inner me, leaps to the front and I feel nothing. I do feel like helping though... so I say nothing much at all... and do something to help if I can. Hugs Stalky
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RHP User
14 years ago
I agree with everyone above...the best thing you can do is be there for them and let them know that you are always around if they need you. With your mate...well we know how guys find it hard to be touchy feely with one another...so maybe a hand on his shoulder to reassure him that you are there for him! Remember also that there are different levels of grief...the tears, the disbelief, the anger and then the acceptance...although some people never accept it when a very close loved one passes over. For your mum and cousin...just let them know that you love them and that you are there for them.One important thing though Wings...DON'T put YOUR OWN grief and feelings aside for everyone else. A big way to helping them is by helping yourself and going through the progress yourself of the pain that it has caused your loved ones and yourself as well! It is OK to cry with them, laugh with them, remember with them! xFunlovingx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Just be there, you don't need a specific thing to say or do anything in particular. Your presence will be enough to say you care and want to help. The only thing I'd possibly suggest mentioning is that you're happy to lend an ear or a hug if needed. I'm sorry to hear your news mate, James
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RHP User
14 years ago
I agree with all that has been said. Don't worry about what you should be saying or not not saying, just let them know you are there for them. Sometimes it's those actions such making a cup of tea, picking up the kids from activities, providing a meal or just being there for a hand to hold or ahug to give that says it all.
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RHP User
14 years ago
And one more thing...If you see that they are trying to be strong for everyone else...tell them it is ok to grieve as well! xFunlovingx PS: Grrr at wrong words...my post above was meant to say process not progress!
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RHP User
14 years ago
The next week or so will be a bit of an emotional blur for you, your family and your mate........and thats ok.The brain kindly shuts down certain parts to allow us to deal with all that is going on.Take note of all that has been said before me, and be kind to yourself as well and you will all survivereasonably intact..The time to really be there for each other is a couple of weeks - months, when everyone around you outside of your family, will be saying-thinking, c'mon, time to get over it.That is not true.Everyone takes their own time.It is then, that you need to let your mate talk about how he is going....and your Mum...and yourself.
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RHP User
14 years ago
thank-you all for your kind and eloquent responses. thanks to what each of you has said, i already feel better equipped to handle this situation. i was feeling pretty helpless, but now i feel a measure of empowerment and peace. i really am very grateful to each of you.
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wannabyummymummy
14 years ago
with all the above just being there and showing you care and actions are so much louder than words but you know what else? there is nothing wrong with saying that you dont know what to say either.When my mum died the worst thing people said to me was "I'm sorry" i never quite understood that, what were they sorry for exactly??? i of course realise now that it is what people say when they dont know what to say so as a rule i try super hard not to say it to others instead i say "I really don't know what to say right now so i'm just going to be here if you need me" (or to that affect)Death and illness can be the pits but the one good thing is that you see people for who they really are at times like this and that can be a real lesson in life itself.
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RHP User
14 years ago
What a sad situation all round, you've been given some great words above of advice. Sometimes I find that even when it gets to a place where no words are going to help, your presence...a touch on the arm....and a 'just letting you know I'm here beside you ' little smile can be all that's needed. A lot of times words aren't sinking in when a person is in pain, but they will remember you being there and that's the most important part. Big smooshy kiss n cuddle for you too xxoo You might need one yourself once it's all over
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RHP User
14 years ago
Hello LittleWingsFirst of all, let me express my condolences over the sadness that has entered both your and your families life. We are bound by our mortalness and fragility and times like these, underlines that point so eloquently, and often, so cruelly.I read your post and the responses and agree, be there, offer physical contact.. and a hearing ear. I also jumped online, being aware that 'grief' has several stages, and being not familiar with them in their entirety, I did some reading. The thing that stood out to me, and what I want to share with you, is that if you can be in it for the long haul in terms of support of your family and friend, this will be ultimately the thing which helps everyone - yourself included. Knowledge seems pitiful and perhaps even callow, in the face of the devastation that death brings, but, knowledge can also be a lifeline, knowing that what you..or your loved ones are feeling is perfectly normal, and knowing that there is a natural progression to these feelings and a light, at the end of the tunnel. Good luck LittleWings, having suffered the death of close and loved ones myself in very traumatic circumstances...I know the darkness of such times, but also, know that with passing, time does heal.
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RHP User
14 years ago
...to celebrate the life and what people you have lost may have brought to yours. If you do speak, talk about the good things, the fun, laughter or even the silly things that you will recall for a lifetime...I still smile when I think about a woman now long since gone that swore at me in Norwegian when I brought home a garden snake in my pocket or walked across a freshly mopped floor with mud on my little rubber boots. | Take care of you and best wishes, my friend.
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RHP User
14 years ago
to those of u whom i have considered as friends for some time now, you know who u are, i just want to say thanks again, i knew i could count on you to help me see things more clearly and figure out how to deal with all this. . to those of u with whom i've had no prior contact, i now consider u to be friends also, and thank you all for your heartfelt responses, concern and the time you've taken out to help a complete stranger. . i've read all of your posts more than once over, and each and every one of u have offered solid and intellegent advice, which i have already put to good use. . looking forward to a bit of banter under happier circumstances with all of u in the near future. . james.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I am also in agreement with being there and all with all that has been said. Be supportive. Little things make a big difference.
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RHP User
14 years ago
Well firstly Get the Fuck off RHP and be with them Second Words dont matter being there Does WOW
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RHP User
14 years ago
Sometimes actions speak louder than words... A hug, a gentle kiss on the cheek, even just sitting with them and holding their hand. Listening to them, re assuring them when they are mourning.... all these actions are so easy and say so much. Littlewings so sorry to hear your family has been struck a bad blow. But you must remember.. you need time to grieve also. It is a natural proccess and you must go through the grief also. My brother was taken from us suddenly and I never grieved the way I should have. In hindsight I should have let nature take its course but i fought it all the way. Its only been the last ten years or so that i have accepted and gone through the grief process.. But hugs to you and your family at this sad time xxTRIPSxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Popped back in to give you a cyber hug Spidey
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RHP User
14 years ago
but the absolute best advice I can give, though it was given to me and is therefore being passed on, no credit taken... is to be the person that takes something away, rather than looking for what you can give. It doesn't matter whether the "take" is the grocery shopping or picking their kids up from school or taking their grief home with you in the form of a soggy shoulder... people tell you that one should never take... there are exceptions to every rule. Every little thing you take is a vast burden that you lift. Every burden you lift is so much lighter for you to carry than it was for them. Every thing you carry is something they don't have to. Lighten a day, lighten a burden, and they will bless you and your littlewings :) ;) xxx
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RHP User
14 years ago
Ansley Lister does a beautiful cover of this in the style of Hendrix ...btw.... you should hear it on the album "Blue Haze"... which is a tribute album to Hendrix... at times better than Hendrix... it's a beautiful compilation.Well she's walking through the clouds With a circus mind that's running round Butterflies and zebras And moonbeams and fairy tales That's all she ever thinks about Riding with the wind. When I'm sad, she comes to me With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free It's alright she says it's alright Take anything you want from me,anything.Fly on little wing, Yeah yeah, yeah, little wingHugsStalky
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RHP User
14 years ago
cheers for all the cyber hugs, everyone, and also to those of u who shared your own experiences, which were probably not easy to bring up. your support really means alot to me, big hugs back to u all. . having the family come together to support eachother has served to affirm our love for eachother, which has been a positive thing that we can all take away from this. sharing our tears an laughter while telling stories of auntie rosies life helped everyone to deal with the grief, not to mention the many, many hugs. . all of u have played a role in helping me deal with the grief too, and i feel priveleged to have been on the receiving end of your support and well wishes. you're all good eggs in my book.
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RHP User
14 years ago
I might have squished a bit hard in my hug, but you're a tough boy, you can hack it xx I really enjoy once that initial gried has subsided enough for the stories to come out, and the laughs that eventually turn things into happy tears, and outragious stories youve never heard about the person sneak out from other relatives and friends.....and THAT is when we are really celebrating their life, and what it left us with more so than grieving their loss
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RHP User
14 years ago
We were thinking of you James... it takes a long time for the grief to go but it is great that you & your family are able to help each other. Hugs & KissesxxxMeeks
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