M46
what am i doing wrong
June 26 2009
Comments
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Mr_Invisible
16 years ago
I've been in those sorts of relationships too If you weren't married you probably would have walked away from it But since you probably love her... you need to get her reinterested in intimacy Buy a Hitachi Magic Wand :) What you need to do is find out what she likes and try that She might be a kinky lil minx and unable to express it Talk to her honestly
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RHP User
16 years ago
Long term lovers can fall in and out of love and with work.. In love again. for me, probs arise when we take each other for granted and when one partners libido is higher than the other. Some people think sex is not important but for a randy guy that just makes life intolerable. You're separated again, right? Well maybe you should talk to her about counselling... Get the things that are important for you out in the open and hear what she has to say... You'd do well not to try and score points In those discussions 'cause there are no winners in divorce.. except for lawyers... it's the "taking your partner for granted" bit, I think that ruins most marriages... all the other reasons for divorce are usually symptoms. If you can both remember why you married each other in the first place you'll do well... It's the only good reason for staying married and a sexless marriage is .... Well you may as well be 'flatmate'. Whatever happens I recommend that you try and remember the good bits and resist the temptation to be bitter... It's not very sexy.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Probably nothing.....perhaps the magic has just gone for her. I dont know abt it affecting your blood pressure though. You need to get some "other" treatment though.
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RHP User
16 years ago
we are stil together (dont know on how much longer thou) , i know sex isn't every thing but you still need it, i did a lot of things like try and help out around the house , let her sleep in on weekends , but none of that worked, i just have to face the truth that the marriage is over and move on
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playfulminx
16 years ago
I think there is a problem that can only be fixed by your partner opening up and talking to you about it. However, it sounds like she can't or doesn't want to, in which case perhaps you have done as much as you can. I think the tell tale signs are her creating her own little Facebook/MSN world that doesn't include you. She's withdrawn from you and escapes to wherever. You had a go which I commend you for but at 29, life is way too short. I don't know if you have kids (in which case walking out might not be an easy option) but if you don't, get outta dodge. A broken marriage that didn't get fixed on the first go isn't worth staying in, especially if one part does't want to get fixed. Good luck to you.
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RHP User
16 years ago
It's time to move on from this marriage maddog. It's clear that she has lost interest in you...you've tried to make it work, but it obviously isn't. From my own experience, & that of friends, once the marriage is fatally wounded, theres nothing that you can do to stop it dying. Work on your health & your emotional stability for a while, then get out there & get among the ladies. I've been through it, & I'm about to step out...so don't get in my way, lol
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RHP User
16 years ago
... is that you have established in her mind that you are a wimp. Simply if you don't have kids leave now and don't look back. However since you obviously wont do that, at the very least you need to get some marriage some counseling. If she is spending more time on the net than she is with you it comes under the term cyber addiction, in which case you need restrict her usage of the net. A mate of mine lost his wife to a guy from the USA as a result of her cyber addiction. But fortunately for him he put his foot down soon enough to salvage some self respect. He is remarried now and made a much better choice this time around, cheers, RHG
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RHP User
16 years ago
Redhotgun..... you reminded me of a friend of ours... they had a long term marriage going a bit stale but the mortgage was paid out...... she was a stay at home mum for 17 years... and then she had a cyber fling with a Canadian Mounty or something ...lol... .. let's say in Alaska... split up with hubbie and went all the way over there to see this loser... for sure I thought she would be locked in a wood shed as a sex slave and never return... but not so... she did some back.. a few months later he came over here (she paid) had a holiday (she paid) and then went back to his wife... lol... she spent the rest of her share of the money from the sale of the house on another cyber fling in Qld... now she is 50 and works full time... and so does her ex hubbie.. busy paying off the mortgage and raising their kids by himself. Best thing she ever did was to set her ex hubbie free. Great bloke.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Simple solution if your not happy and its affecting your health ummmm LEAVE.. You already split why are you even back together?? Of course was going to go back the same people promise and say things for wrong reason.. the sex is dead find the spark you need in others sometimes people are better off being single and sounds like you are and sex is a great par of any relationship be it your married or not Run now maddog hahaha TIT
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RHP User
16 years ago
sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. you need to breathe buddy or your die
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RHP User
16 years ago
you guys are right , i need to move on , its going to be hard because i have kids too, but i have had enough of being rejected all the time etc , so i'm going to get my act together and move on and thanks for the replys too
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RHP User
16 years ago
that maddog, I've talked to alot of guys in your position, but that desicion is totaly up to you what you do. Alot of people may have the answer for you, but you have to see what you want, if its affectin you in mind and health, But at the end of the day is it any better being single???.... really would you get more sex with or without her, but the main thing you have to remember is lonelyness hun.. that is the biggest killer.
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RHP User
16 years ago
I have the same problem but im not married nor do we have those 'plans'. Maybe its something that the two of your arent doing or trying. Maybe she has a hidden desire,fantasy. Or maybe she has low self esteme, do you compliment her before jumping her bones? Women are delicate creatures and we like the attention or help... i have heard a thousand stories about married mummas which slave around the house all day, running after snotty fingered midgets and all they want is a little help around the house... do some work washup,clean the house with out instruction - this may turn her on.. i know weird right... but sometimes its that simple. or maybe she's just not that sexual.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hmm 18 months without sex definely sounds like a problem, even if you both have young children. I suggest you need to talk about it openly, probably with a 3rd party councillor so it doesn't just become hurt and blame. If she doesn't like sex there are things that can help too. It would be a pity to walk away without knowing what the underlying problem was and if it can be addressed by negotiation and counselling to something acceptable to both. Sort of sounds like something else going on you don't know about. Good luck.
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RHP User
16 years ago
I think you should clearly establish whether it's you, sex in general or sex with you that your wife isn't interested in ...? Then you BOTH need to be willing to communicate honestly about issues and insecurities both in and out of the bedroom, and if/how you may want to proceed in the discovery of mutual desires. Goodluck xo
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RHP User
16 years ago
ur doing the right thing on here...if she aint gonna give it up then go find some plus when she wants it next just go to sleep...change the power!!!
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RHP User
16 years ago
Hey mate, Relationships are a lot of hard work but they shouldn't be just plain HARD! There are many reasons for a drop in libido or a complete absence of it. If you love the girl and would like to stay with her you have to find the reasons and the easiest way to do this is counselling, it seems to be a dirty word but all a counsellor does is open up lines of communication that you can't do yourself (If you're keen I know an awesome one I could pass on in a priv message). So you can help her but really only if she wants the help. If she wont help herself and refuses to try then there's not a lot you can do. With kids involved I'd think it's worth a shot though. Best of luck
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RHP User
16 years ago
that is horrible to hear..lets just say if my partner did not have sex with me for a week I wud be worried and pissed off..in my opinion I think u shud put in a high effort to actualli find out wat is wrong and get her to be upfront about it..and if u want to get even more deviat about it...mayb check her facebook etc :p lol coz come on 18 months without sex ther is rlly something wrong!!!! and yeh that wud affect my health to ...if i were u i wud get to the bottom of this u wudnt want it 2 go on and on for years later ur only 29 im sure u can easily find another girl to take her place...one that actualli wants to hav sex with u..
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RHP User
16 years ago
Not sure what's happened since you last posted Maddog, but wanted to put a different perspective on things for you or anyone else going through similar who might happen apon this thread. You mentioned that you had kids...well as a mum myself, I can tell you that it's really hard (especially with younger kids) to take off your 'mummy' hat and put on your 'kinky minx' hat - it just isn't as easy for us girls to do that. For a long time, something inside me felt like it was almost innappropriate to be horny and randy and just was sex...I was a mum now after all and when kids are in the picture, sex becomes almost like a taboo subject. We went through similar 'dry spells' (although never as long as you guys) and it took us almost to breaking point before we actually opened up, talked about it and I realised I was allowed to want sex, crave it even and it was only me that had taken that permission away. I also had body image issues as things change alot after you've had kids and nothing is as pert as it once was *hehe*. I'd lost my confidence and felt undesirable. I also wanted my body to myself for a while after pregnancy and breastfeeding 2 kids in 3 years so I just needed space. There are a lot of hormones running around a womans body too which can skew the way we look at things and physically effect our libido - especially after having kids. Please try and talk to her about how you're feeling and about how she's feeling too. Don't make the mistake of making it all about sex though, it's about intimacy whether it be touch, kissing, just enjoying each others skin against each other. You can always go have a shower afterwards ;) There is a huge difference between sex and intimacy...well at least there is in my mind and in my world. Just take it slow, no pressure and remember communication is the key and you never know...once she discovers herself again and sets her 'kinky minx' free, she may even join you here on RHP and then a whole new world of possibilities opens up ;)
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RHP User
16 years ago
hey maddog, that's a really sad story and my heart goes out to you. my wife and i are about to hit our 10th anniversary and it has been no easy skip down the path with just about everything that can go wrong going wrong however we still stuck to our marriage vows and are so much stronger for it. to us marriage means making the commitment to work through things no matter how nasty they get. the old saying "no pain no gain" comes to mind. why not suggest an open relationship? allowing you to go and find what you need and still be there for her as a partner in all else? mr dms.
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RHP User
16 years ago
we had a talk and we decide to go our own ways , but staying as friendslets hope i find someone else , but i;m going to have fun first
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RHP User
16 years ago
You want it. She wont give it. Whats there to think about.Time to ditch her.Unless you want to sign up for the priesthood.
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RHP User
16 years ago
Quoting 'cassy_84'ur doing the right thing on here...if she aint gonna give it up then go find some plus when she wants it next just go to sleep...change the power!!! hi cassy yes very frustrating i want you but cant get through keen and willing what to do rhp
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RHP User
16 years ago
Bettina Arndt has book out now about this exact thing- Bedroom Battles/ Sex Diaries. A great read and may help see things from both sides of the ensemble!
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RHP User
16 years ago
thanks for all the comments guys
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RHP User
16 years ago
what
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RHP User
16 years ago
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Just move on mate. You will find true happiness elsewhere. Sometimes these things just arent meant to be.
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