F59
Cheating the solution with no end
April 22 2014
Comments
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RHP User
12 years ago
My then partner was not interested in having sex with me....so I had sex with other men....it was totally devastating that rejection,but the cheating wasn't the answer...so I left......Six months later he met his now wife.....they are still together ...........there are maybe no excuses,but there are reasons,..nothing is back and white....I know people here who consider cheating on their partner a far lesser evil than abandoning them because they either have a terminal illness,a significant mental illness or chronic conditions that mean they are unable to have a sexual relationship....and yes if their partners found out it would cause them a lot of pain and suffering,so should they go or should they stay and risk that....?.....If someone is just bored and wants a little variety ,then in my opinion that's a little pathetic and headed for a mega disaster....and also somewhat callous.....sometimes in life we have to make choices between rocks and hard places,sometimes we have to be less selfish,having it all is not necessarily an option xx Q
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RHP User
12 years ago
Cest la vie, I'm not coming to grips with why you feel people who don't cheat are foolish. Each and every one of us is an individual with our own morals, challenges and limitations,and choices to make, be they good or bad.Humans are fallible and always will be. As far as I know, nobody ever gets everything they desire, or feel they are entitled to. I can't help but feel that if people weren't so possessive of each other maybe life would behappier. Cheers N
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RHP User
12 years ago
For me, the term "cheating" is a misnomer. Who's rules are you playing by? Last time I checked, extramarital sex was not against the law in this country.Let me reiterate that I do not encourage the practise of having affairs behind your partners back, merely that I can understand how a person comes to it. Having an affair is not "the right thing to do" but neither is leaving your partner. Both acts create the same amount of pain, stop deluding yourselves about this. The RIGHT thing to do is not marry the wrong person to begin with but once this mistake has been made, you are left with choices. The choice you make is up to you and your own set of moral priorities.All this grandstanding about "deceit and lies are the worst thing" is pure bullshit. Everybody lies. Anyone who claims they never lie is a liar so let's take this argument off the table to begin with.All these people who dismiss or belittle another person's reasons for having an affair are quite simply displaying their own bigotry. "My reasons against affairs are legitimate but yours for having one is just making excuses". Are you really blind to the inequity of this statement.So it's selfish to consider your financial position before deciding whether to leave your spouse or have an affair, is it? I have seen the squalor that some divorced men from lower income brackets are forced to live in. Are any of you aware of the suicide rate for divorced men?So many of you see the person being "cheated" on as being the victim but often it's the abuse or neglect perpetrated by this "victim" upon their partner which has led to the affair. It is often the true victim who reaches out to someone outside the marriage for comfort.It is very true that some people, particularly men, will have affairs simply out of boredom or purely to satiate their ego. It may be that the unknowing spouse is loyal and doting and undeserving of this betrayal but a couple of things can come from this situation. Sometimes, a person can get this yearning out of their system or perhaps recognise that what they had at home was not so bad after all and return their attention to the relationship with renewed commitment and a marriage is saved. On other occasions it can lead to the total collapse of the relationship but then, maybe everyone involved is better off.I have read many posts insisting that a person should not put their own happiness ahead of their spouse's. Can someone explain to me why they should not? Why are you insisting that someone should forgo their own happiness for someone else who is probably also putting their own happiness first? I think too many of you have an agenda of your own. There are some here who have driven their own partners into the arms of someone else and by rallying the denouncement against affairs you are seeking to dismiss your own guilt in the failure of your relationships. Just something to consider. I'm not accusing anyone or singling anyone out with this suggestion.Try to remember that an affair is usually a symptom of a bad relationship and not the cause.
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RHP User
12 years ago
cheating is just a label we place on people who are being human. My partner left me to live with her secret lover (female), did she cheat? of course not, she is just being true to herself. I don't think that age is relevant, except in the confines of RHP, which (in my experience) is FAR from the real world.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Because everytime I or someone else objects to cheating we are often attacks for thinking that way.told we dont understand the poor guys who have sexless marraiges and must be ignorant in some way. I have been here for a while and I understand my own sexless marraige and people can do what they like ............I even acknowledge men who look for sex when married to an invalid. I have seen the pain cheating caused and I have been indirectly affected by it. I say Men but I mean women too............ Interesting your possessive comment.....I have come to think that is what some people want as I have never been that and some desire their little love bunnies.
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RHP User
12 years ago
There seems to be a fair few there. I'm married...been with my hubby for 9 years. I love him. We have great sex, we laugh, we fight, we enjoy life together. And I do love him, more than anything else in the world. Yet, I'm here, looking for...well...a playmate. I can't explain why...honestly. I don't know what it is about having an experience with someone else. Guilt, yep...I live with it every day, regret...never. I'm a whore/a slut/home wrecker...whatever you want to call me, I'll own it, because I deserve it. Inevitably I'll stop. I would never want my hubby to hurt, especially not by my hand...I couldn't imagine this life without him... I didn't really answer your question.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
A woman who is mature, respectful and kind enough to share her feelings even when things are not so good...of course I would do the same....and the reason for this plus other things would be because we love each other, trust each other, respect each other and have enough faith in each other to know that we both want to work things out for OUR good. Would that stop cheating?
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sweetgem
12 years ago
If I was seen as a fool because I don't cheat, than I rather be one than cheating and causing mental damages to the counterpart! Can we really believe that lies can be forever hidden, or the other half of someone who cheated didn't or wouldn't find out?.......moron! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Well I guess I resemble that remark xx BC
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Lovinit28andKC72
12 years ago
We do things that are right for us at the time, what we think is going to make us happy, whether that be leaving, staying or taking a lover/s. I'm not for affairs, I not against affairs and really unless it directly effects me then I don't really care who fucks who, it's non of my business......but I will give my opinion/experiences if asked...... Every saint has a past, Every sinner has a future.....💋
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RHP User
12 years ago
fathom the reasoning behind it. Leaving seems like such an easier option to me than sneaking around. It is the fallout that is so devastating. The chances of maintaining a more civil split is greater without the mention of betrayal. You set your kids up to live in a dysfunctional household and teach them it is ok to treat the people you love like that, your friends become divided or resentful or just disappear because they don't want to get involved or take sides. Your family and/or in laws can create problems. Chances are that any property settlement and custody arrangements will be much more civil than vengeful. Of course this isn't always the case and any split can get nasty but I am just saying that there is the likelihood of a better outcome especially if you have been open about the problems in your union and you have done everything you can to fix it, then you can go your own ways more amicably. It absolutely rips your heart out knowing someone has gone behind your back and has been intimate with someone else. I also don't know how anyone can claim to love someone and then hurt them so immensely. My ex said he would kill someone who ever hurt me, funny he hasn't killed himself yet because he is the only arse who has.
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sweetgem
12 years ago
The comment I made earlier was indeed not in support of light cheating excuses such as: * someone's partner's sex drive is non-existence, but their partner is perfect for them; Or * my wife is no longer interested in sex after the births of our children; Or * he/she is everything I want, but the sex is dead. And so on BS excuses! Life is not just black and white I know, and I also know that there are many couples whose other halves are suffering either severe medical conditions or mental illnesses, which have prevented them from living a normal lifestyle, let alone having sex! I am not against that kind of situation, no, because they have sufficient reasons to stay, but seek sexual help elsewhere. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
As Meeka said in another thread,why do married men whinge about single women not wanting them.....it seems fairly self evident really and if you read a few posts here,people are actually saying why....they have been there done that and it usually doesn't end well...and OP you are correct when you say how long can someone keep on doing this....having sex with people outside the primary ,relationship is a sympton that something is seriously wrong...so the relationship either breaks down completely.....or is rebuilt.... It is interesting that a number of forumites provide online support.or support in person to people whjo are either married and cheating or who are in a relationship with someone who is cheating....a point that Meeka also made....so there seems to be a disconnect between,views that are espoused and actions.xxBC
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RHP User
12 years ago
Those that "fall" for a married partner. Both men and women. :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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MsSuperFoxy
12 years ago
I see your point. I believe if someone is providing support either in person, face to face or on line support.. Would that be like "rescuing" that person and their behavior, enabling or trying to help them? I automatically think of my personal boundaries...can I do that or have the mentally complicity to take on someone else personal issues, when I have my own to deal with...LOL Foxy
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RHP User
12 years ago
However you all make me think. First of all....we make a cruel judgement on genders.....that’s what we do. Men are bastards and women are in poor situations when sex is not available in the marriage. So ....more thinking....we marry...live together like the religious upbringing we are used too, so isn’t part of this to have sex with each other? Do we not break a “holy” commandment by refusing sex to our husband or wife? Then....more thinking.....what is the difference for all attached people when they go to swinger’s nights......compare to one woman? So why are we calling it cheating? Can one partner really ask another never to have sex with no one because they will not or cannot, because of illness, or any other ailments? Why do we make such a cruel judgement when sex is involved? I believe each person who loves his family and partner will not likely break up this partnership only because one part of it is missing, why should they. Yes I believe it would be better to go and pay for it, much easier and less messy....for the male. But what about women....it’s expensive and very rare to find a male prostitute. So again my question is....why we use sex in such a black and white way. You go and have sex with someone else I cut you off, because I can’t anymore, will not or I find you disgusting, sex is now a dirty yucky thing to perform. Why do these partners have the “right” to deny the partner sex outside the marriage? Do we use sex as a weapon???? Do women use it more than men? Yes I believe the one who wants still sex....needs to discuss this with the other partner open and honest.....at least try. Should the partner refuse to acknowledge you for being still sexual, then you need to do what you think is right. But just saying she/ he don’t like sex anymore and never talk about with each other is not the right way to go. So. BUT HOW DO I AS A SINGLE WOMAN KNOW HE HAD THIS HONEST CONVERSATION WITH HIS PARTNER? I believe we all can only walk in our own shoes, whether you choose to have sex with an attached male or not is entirely up to you, and no one in the RHP world has the right to judge another. There will always be people who have trouble telling the truth and there will always be people who are totally open. Now one more, last question....to my fellow females Do we really care so much about the male being attached because we think he is a bastard....or is it, because deep down we want a relationship and hope this time it is the right one?
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RHP User
12 years ago
plays a role. It getting harder for older men over 60 to score....outside the marriage, but then for some not.Ask the young men...how easy it is on RHP when they state they are attached, i would say very hard too.
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erotictouch4u
12 years ago
For myself and some ladies I know, it is just a temporary situation until children grow old enough to realise why parents split and are not hurt by it. By then they will know the incompatability between the parents and will have made their chioce which one they most would like to stay with until old enough to live on their own.It is also a way to discover more about what you really want in the next relationship, if you seek one, be it sexual compatability or just mutual tenderness, caring and empathy for the later years as age increases and the children leave the home.ET xox
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RHP User
12 years ago
Most will know my story I do understand what drives a person to cheat When there is an unbalance in sexual desire between you and your partner it can have a domino effect on the whole relationship without you even knowing it To fill that void by seeking sex outside the marriage may be the answer short term , but yes , for how long? And at the end of the day if you feel you have to continue with it then maybe it's time to reassess the marriage. If and when the partner finds out that you have been cheating do you think they are going to thank you for sticking around and not leaving the marriage? Do you think you are some sort of a hero because you are suffering through an unfulfilling marriage for the sake of the family May get you through a rough patch short term but if you have to do it long term ..... that I just don't understand - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
A very well thought out response. It does raise the point for me though, as to who is actually cheating who. Lets take Freya's husband, it occurs to me that he actually cheated her of the relationship, before she was unfaithfull.Cause and effect.Her husband literally planted the bomb, then lit the fuse that would inevitably destroy the relationship, yet she is the bad guy, its a strange world. Cheers N
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RHP User
12 years ago
is divorce?Do we put sex on a pedestal...when we are married? People I am just asking questions....look I am not married since 15 years.I am not judging just asking.When sex is such a commitment in a marriage/ partnership, then this is for both sides...wouldn't it?For the one who just shuts down and the one who still wants itWomen turn the sex off much more often in a marriage statistical then men do. We are signing a contract....and that's what it is a legal contract...and sex is part of it.....never spoken about openly before we commit to this union...but still a legal contract.....and one party can not change the contract without the others permission.Yes this is a very cold statement.We have in a way forgotten that sex is a highly important commodity in a partnership....and believe me, no men would marry any woman when they would know sex would be just turned of in a second.Again a very cold statement.I will ponder on it a bit more later.Thank you for listing to my thoughts.
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Lovinit28andKC72
12 years ago
Maybe 50% of women I think of course it's because they want a relationship. Then It's a safe option for some, who are happy to be the mistress, it's enough for them, Other things also come into it, morals, beliefs, it's been done to them, they have seen first hand the hurt it can cause, people have their reasons for doing what they do, and believing in what they believe in...... I had a married lover for 2 years. Then at a work function a few years back,I met his wife, well that was the end for me. I could no longer continue to see him, because now his wife had a very real face. It ended that night and I never seen him as a lover again.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69
12 years ago
One of the things Tara's mum told her when we were engaged to be married was....... Give that man your husband sex, when ever he wants you, even if you don't feel like it. And never argue with him on an empty stomach. Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
Women turn the sex off much more often in a marriage statistical then men do. Do you have some statistics to prove this?? I think that may be stereotypical. I used to watch Mariied with Children and was always surprised Al didnt want sex and Peggy did. I thought it was women too who denied their males. I as a woman I think we go off sex for different reasons to men overtired pressure and lack of intimacy.......men dont always realise that the only time they often touch their wives is when they want to fuck. That is demoralising. When men go off sex it has a negetative effect on a womans self esteem........if he has a problem he lets her hold the blame ...........don't want to upset his masculinity. It is possible also that many wives do not cheat as they have been degraded and emotionally tormented by their husbands.....as no one would want you...have you looked in the mirror lately.......total emotional abuse. Their seems to de a distinct lack of male comments here. I can understand why someone may think cheating is an answer.....my question here is I don't think they are thinking long term.......if no sex at 30/40 or 50 you think things will change and as I said what are your chances of finding a playmate as things go on and you age. Women and relationships. As has been stated in the past with sex can often come with strings....emotions things you may not have foreseen...........sometimes we are good have our fbs fwbs etc and other times who knows something shifts and BAM feelings. We are not always looking but as with life sometimes it just finds us. But as with everything some do look we are all different.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'SilentlyWaiting' There seems to be a fair few there. I'm married...been with my hubby for 9 years. I love him. We have great sex, we laugh, we fight, we enjoy life together. And I do love him, more than anything else in the world. Yet, I'm here, looking for...well...a playmate. I can't explain why...honestly. I don't know what it is about having an experience with someone else. Guilt, yep...I live with it every day, regret...never. I'm a whore/a slut/home wrecker...whatever you want to call me, I'll own it, because I deserve it. Inevitably I'll stop. I would never want my hubby to hurt, especially not by my hand...I couldn't imagine this life without him... I didn't really answer your question.... - Posted from rhpmobile I don't think that you are a whore/a slut/home wrecker - they are just labels angry people place on others. I think that you are behaving like a normal human and one of the >55% of people who *need* extra marital fun You don't need to justify yourself
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RHP User
12 years ago
Im pretty sure that men and women equally have extra marital affiars. To suggest otherwise is just not true. You suggest that males emotionally torment their female partners - Im pretty sure it goes both ways. However, IMO, I think that women are much better at emotional games than men are.....I might be wrong though
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RHP User
12 years ago
Chest xx C
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RHP User
12 years ago
Great post Cestxx C
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madotara69
12 years ago
I know when Tara does not feel like it. When my salad is in the oven, usually gives me a hint. he he. Tastes like shit but I eat it anyway. Life gets tough at times, but if we don't stick together no one wins. But we love each other so that is another thing. Actually we have had some funny moments where we have talked about who we did not cheat on each other with. Tara wins, he he.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Remember the good old days when you kept your legs crossed? Walked up the aisle in that white dress. Went to the marital bed, and realised what a shocker your husband was at sex, locked yourself in the bathroom and cried all night? That was a friend, not me by the way. So there you are, and your mum would say, you made your bed you lay in it. So what if you get married, and you love the guy to bits, you have sex a few times and think ok this might get better, you cant figure out why its not like in the movies, but you do love this guy for a whole range of reasons? then you find out after 18 years of marriage and not a single orgasm on your part that there is NO chemistry. Non , zip and you want more, so you leave your husband. you go on sex date sites, and ordinary date sites and you find that yes , men can fuck and give you a good time, but then the other part of your life is fucked. Your on your own your working two jobs, raising two kids and your to exhausted for sex anyway. You cant have it all, not one person can fill all your desires, you can give it your best by being honest and open and allowing that person to do what they bloody well like with their own body. like Lytonia says, If make a contract that involves sex well, if you cant then talk about it and make other arrangements for your partner. But there is no need to thrown the whole thing in the trash, just because of some pathetic notion some contrived ideal of monogamy. Its an artificial contraption that holds people to an unrealistic doctrine and it was designed by church and by law to protect property. It has nothing to do with morals, though many a sheep may disagree with this. people confuse sex with love, and yes they go together but not all the time. I see the shit that people have to go through when they end up in the spare room, alone frustrated, watching porn wanking their cock blue and just wishing they could spoon the woman they love. that is where I come in, I will take that intimacy that men want to give me. I will take that sex that raw passionate sex that men want to give me. I do not worry if he is married or not. Everyone has their own reasons for doing all kinds of things some are right and some are wrong. LadyT the concubine
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madotara69
12 years ago
Said the kookaburra, and we shall live as a family until lightning strikes our home down. Then we shall find another tree and fuck each other stupid. Like those silly rabbits down there hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Yep Kookaburras are monogamists, the churches just coined it.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'bi_for_cpls' Im pretty sure that men and women equally have extra marital affiars. To suggest otherwise is just not true. You suggest that males emotionally torment their female partners - Im pretty sure it goes both ways. However, IMO, I think that women are much better at emotional games than men are.....I might be wrong though I tried to many times make it equal in my comments saying it applies both to men and women, but responded to litonya who suggested more women dont give sex out..........and just suggested my thoughts on that................There are many arseholes and many bitches.(in the way people treat each other/ some people are expert manipulators) I am curious why Silently waiting degrades herself with such names and thinks she deserves them...............Something she needs to question there. We have had many topics in the past about sluts and us lovely girls here who dare to play with more than one man and such names and we often wear it with a smile not a frown. Its one thing to explore your sexuality another not to suffer because of it.........I urge you to try and explore with your shusband because these thoughts will just not wane in time............you are exposing your husband to STI's imagine what will happen if all a sudden your husband find out he has genital warts HPV condoms do not protect against every strain.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I have known your story and everone has a story Lady T......................funny you tend to think that all the men who come your way are sex starved.........people do like to play. So I dont want to attack you or anyone else as I said each to their own. The question more formed about the poor sex starved men/womens future. I checked the age of men you seek to offer assistance to and you have dedicated yourself to men up to 60........but I am sure you have standards and you desire or want something desirable in those men. My question is what is for the men who are unable to find partners in their sixties or fifties as they are not so hot to trot anymore............their options have reduced significantly. They may be playing when they are younger because partner is not giving them sex, if that doesnt change what future do they really have. Older still with their loved one but still no intimacy. This is not an attack but a valid point I feel .....my curiosity........frankly I could leave it here but if people are cheating not all are going to go through what you did and return to their love. And I am not trying to change the world............... You know a lot of people are reading this post but not putting in their two cents.
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RHP User
12 years ago
... in spite of the assertions made by some posters, not all affairs are uncovered. Most remain a closely guarded secret. Also, only a fraction of affairs result in divorce.
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RHP User
12 years ago
About Frey'as case.....who says she is the bad Guy???
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RHP User
12 years ago
The guy I was with before I met my husband was a poisonous man. When we first met he was like cocaine and I needed him, fell in love very quickly and we moved in together within a month. For three years he stopped me from being my parents, kept me from my friends, monitored my phone, accused me of cheating every week (which I never EVER did - I found it horrifying). He proposed to me after 6 months and I was over the moon. For the next 2.5 years he would take away the ring and tell me I needed to "deserve" it before he would give it back. He also convinced me that I needed to move out so that we could find the fire again. It all culminated in me finding out he had had multiple relationships with women, one for 16 months...and two others were pregnant. Yet he would scream at my on the phone if he drove past my house and I wasn't home. Finding out, devastated me...but it flicked something in my brain. After a while I got over it, hubby was actually my rebound believe it or not. The cheating started early on...maybe a year in. I started seeing my ex a little. We NEVER fucked, but I did give him head. I knew he was using me but for some reason I thought he would want me back...I'm sure we had an emotionally abusive relationship. I cut him off after a few months and flew completely straight for 3 years. Hubby and I fought, about everything...the passion was basically gone in our relationship. I found out HE was seeing a girl from work...this time, I wasn't so devastated. We moved past it and things improved, then got really had. I sought comfort in the arms of a friend...it turned into a semi-regular thing. My relationship with my husband improved 100000000% and we subsequently got married. I don't know what it is...really...i don't know why that one meeting a month levels me out, or picks me up at home. Honestly if I could have two husbands, I reckon id be fine. But that's against the law, isn't ... When I was younger I partied, and I abused my body...and I was free with it. I didn't date, I fucked...half of the town I lived in. every week girls would call me and my friends whores and sluts. It used to get to be until someone said "you have a big heart and you love easily. You enjoy pleasing people and making people feel good. People will always judge you and look down on you for what you do, your intimacy drive, your extracurricular activities, but who are they to define you, who is anyone to put you in a box. You will always be who you've always been and who you are is pretty damn amazing" I revert to the names because I think I deserve them... I think about the effects on my husband every day...every single day. I don't have multiple partners, I have one. We are safe every time...but I know that's not foolproof. I get std checked every 3 months...just to be sure. But I will stop. Hubby and I want to start a family and I can't be doing this with kids. I will reform...I guess I just wanted people to know the story...I don't know why I do what I do, but I felt this empty space before it...now I'm full... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
I believe we change again when we get older. Say for me....I am now 57 I love sex, but I am not driven by it.Yes its liberation to have sex freely with whom I chose to, I find the young men cute but they don"t rock my boat.. I am as everybody else and look for some Ok body in a male and not someone who looks already like with one foot in the grave, and please have a cute face doesn't matter your age but have a cute face with a smile.And I am as everybody else vain in some stuff....still, when I get older my desired age for men will go up I believe soo....what should I do with a 35 year old when I know I can't hang from the chandelier any more, oh got it would break out of the ceiling or bent like a brezel...my knees hurt in doggy and my back screams to the bloke don't you dare and lean on me...hold my fucking hips but don't lean on my back. So to answer the age over 60 part...I think older men find older women...there are older women on here maybe I have to do a search and find out.Back to the hurt bit.....we are so one side in our opinions about hurt....I really shoudl start a thread and ask men to tell us there story how they are treated by women.many men are so scared to rock the boat and say yes dear to everything because otherwise they suffer a whole week or month with bad behaviour, put downs or sulking. where do we hear stories about male abuse...not on TV not in the media....there are many males out there who hear what a useless shit he is...and how bad he is in bed.I think we have both to stop doing this telling one side is worth then the other.And ladies we know...we bloody know that pussy rules...men do lots just to sniff it.maybe I sound to harsh and not nice ....but we have to stop kidding ourself.We are all on RHP because something we wont....and the something is sex with a cock or pussy, that's it, as simple as that.COCK AND PUSSY...which ever way you turn.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think society in general judges the partner who strays harshly.When this is clearly not always the case. Cheers N
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RHP User
12 years ago
The thing is,that I actually don't think that I ever recovered from that systemic rejection.In the years that we were together,not once did he initiate any intimacy,any sexual contact.I was left alone a lot,because he was also a part time musician...not once did he ever say he loved me.....eventually I believed that I was not worthy of love.....and I suppose that is why all these years later I still haven't found any romantic love...and no I am not here looking for anyone...that part of my journey is over... But I have had an amazing life,I have experienced and done things that I would never have done if we were still together.....I am loved....there are many different permutations of love afteral,for me romantic love has not been one of them xx C
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RHP User
12 years ago
i believe that someone has the right to feel hurt, by being cheated on, if... - they are keen and available for sex for their partner- are open minded and loving enough, to at least discuss their partner's desires, kinks, etc... i knew someone, who's wife had not slept with him since the creation of his last child...the boy was 4 years old...he tried to talk to her about it...again and again...but she would actually deny, that there was any problem at all...saying most married couples with 3 kids get "too busy " for sex... despite that, he only cheated once...and felt bad about it...at the end they broke up as it just didn't work anymore...now he is happily in love with another woman...and gets plenty of sex...he finally feels desirable... i think women ( or men), who turn off sex...but then get upset ,if their partner gets it elsewhere...are very selfish people...everybody has only one life...and entitled to happiness...and sex is a big part of most healthy people's lives... i think, if one gets everything at home...and chooses to cheat simply for variety...that is very wrong...but if they only trying to feel complete...and their partner has not have enough love and respect for them, to try their hardest, to work things out...then in my opinion they have got nothing to complain about... the "i don't want you, but don't want anyone else to have you either" approach is a selfish one indeed...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Though you will always be Freya to me. I can only imagine what the treatment dished out by your then husband would do to anyonesconfidence, and soul. You have done well to have lived such a full life since. Cheers N
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Lovinit28andKC72
12 years ago
This little black sheep is saying - if only it was so easy, so cut and dry, but it's not.....it's called a difference of opinions.....
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RHP User
12 years ago
how everyone assumes it is lack of sex why people 'need' more outside of the marriage. I was cheated on and my ex was never sex starved, I was. He just assumed the grass was greener elsewhere. I bet he doesn't think that now that his new partner of under 30yrs of age has had a stroke and he has to look after her.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'BarefootContessa' The thing is,that I actually don't think that I ever recovered from that systemic rejection.In the years that we were together,not once did he initiate any intimacy,any sexual contact.I was left alone a lot,because he was also a part time musician...not once did he ever say he loved me.....eventually I believed that I was not worthy of love.....and I suppose that is why all these years later I still haven't found any romantic love...and no I am not here looking for anyone...that part of my journey is over... But I have had an amazing life,I have experienced and done things that I would never have done if we were still together.....I am loved....there are many different permutations of love afteral,for me romantic love has not been one of them xx C I have forgotten how old you are my dear but i do not think it is too late for you yet.............how is it others can find love then? Maybe you have some deeper hurt there......I saw my grandfather finda women when he was maybe 65, I cant rememeber but I do remember him saying to me he was so surprised I wasnt looking and this woman found me attractive.......it found him. So yes you have done the right thing stop looking and you never know.
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madotara69
12 years ago
Where did our love go, can't you hear me SOS
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RHP User
12 years ago
A common argument I see regarding cheating is the old 'well the sex is terrible but I love the guy' or 'I feel I'm missing out but I don't want to lose the love of my life', and that sort of thing. People seem to believe that there are only two options in that situation - breaking up or betrayal. I'm surprised people in this kind of situation don't broach the idea of an open relationship. Is this not why many people are here? I've seen many 'my partner knows I play and is happy with it' profiles on here. People will argue that they'd upset the partner by suggesting it; but let's be honest would it upset them any more than breaking up with them because they're a dud in bed? Would it upset them any more than their partner going behind their back and betraying their trust, which'll probably just wreck the relationship? Maybe I'm a bit naive here as I've never done the open relationship thing myself, but it seems that if you can muster up the stomach to cheat or to break up, surely you could make a bold suggestion. I mean, the other two options are going to end in the ruin of a relationship (plenty of people have said they'll never get caught but inevitably they mess up), so what do you really have to lose?
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RHP User
12 years ago
Sorry in my opinion its wrong cheating on someone you love just for meaningless sex and the thrill of it....why would you risk a great marriage for a selfish need, after all isnt that why you marry someone to be committed to them in the first place its very sneaky and dishonest and fraught with danger:( as your husband not only gets hurt , many other single young men are put in a dangerous game of roullette....its immature and totally wrong....just being honest here
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On_Safari
12 years ago
You married young and your feelings/urges are quite natural. It's ok to have these feelings, it makes you human. I only skimmed over the rest of the posts because quite frankly between Q's first post and Jensman in particular it was nailed rather perfectly. I've been cheated on and also been the cheater, I left my husband TWICE!! while I strived to sort out what I did and didn't want. I have been in the man's role with Child Support and no access, have been homeless and lost friends and suffered a myriad of other "ailments" as a result of MY CHOICES. I am now single, enjoy a platonic friendship with my ex-husband and believe our kids (living with him) are mostly happy. There are many reasons for what people do, good, bad, indifferent.....I think more is to be said for how YOU as the individual feel about yourself and your actions and whether you can look at yourself honestly, even the ugly parts of your soul; and acknowledge these and still strive to do and be your best trying to harm none. I chose to leave, not so I could continue an affair or fuck indiscriminately, but so I could be free of the guilt for not loving my partner emotionally or physically the way he craved and in a marriage that quite frankly bored the shit out of me! He has everything, I took nothing material....damage was done but the second time I left he knows that I am doing the best for all of our sakes. Judge not lest ye be judged, to err is human to forgive divine. ~ Indy 😔
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RHP User
12 years ago
My man loves to follow the Forums and i love watching him laughing at the way people are and some of the funny shit they do. But when he saw your thread he loved it, he has even been saying the same thing as you for quite some time. Although him and I are the same age, i am aging far slower i still look 20 to 30, so i totally agree with you and although my man is still a really hot man in his looks, the ladies see the number and say no with out hesitation and not even see a picture of what he looks like, yet i am the same age as him and they do not need see a picture, the ladies or males they want to get with me, so go figure that one, it never makes sense, i am working so hard to not become the shallow bitch i see many woman are, but less and less my man does not involve anymore, it is funny 10 years ago i had to watch out for all the women that came around him because many tried to get him in to bed a number of times, even some of my friends would try to get him behind my back, he is that good. yes his age has changed as a number, yet he has not , i understand that cheating in a marriage is so frowned upon, but when it is a sexless marriage or there is no support in the relationship that was supposed to be two way, and it has become one way, is this not unfaithful as well, all the vows cover faithfulness NOT sex, the vows do not cover any of the sex part, the vows cover faithfulness go study that up, see what you find, my man showed me this himself, and said people should put that in there pipes and smoke it, and that they should all stop assuming they know the rules. so i think if a partner wont do there part , then they are unfaithful and are not wanting to work at it, the one that has worked at it, should do as he/she needs to and go find it else where, that person should just go have the fun alone, life is too short for the shit games all want to play, of it is a happy house. my man is an Author and a really good one, i see how much mail he gets and many ask his advise and he is the most sexiest man i know and the most caring, he even came to me and said if i did not find him sexually attractive anymore, then he was NOT going to hold me to some medieval rule the PEOPLE made up from interpretation only. He looked in my eyes and just said babe, if you need to be dating other men as well as women, just do it, he said he did not want to be the cause of some lie, making me have to sneak around, he said that iit is just to cruel and he will not do it to me.OMG now i see all the shit people have done to him and it has been screwing with his head more than i knew, when he said what he did, i cried all that night and the next day, because i do not want another man, most of them are full of shit and they think it is there dick size that is impressive, yet they do not have enough brains to see it, do not get me wrong, my man is hung well I mean really well hung and really good in bed. when my man sees the shit guys say and think, and that they think they are so dam hot and my man bursts out laughing, i asked him why he thinks that is so funny, he said because there all boys still and points out many of there ages and i see there mostly in there 20s and there time is coming sooner than they know he said, he said soon he will see them all on the side bench and because they have not worked on the character more they will be so on the side heap.my man has made many good points, i am bisexual and i have been open about it and not behind anyone's back, he said i have been faithful to him by being honest about it with him yet i am having sex with anyone i want, and i am faithful to him, so NOT one other male has a hope with me, if he is not involved then it is just me and the ladies alone. i have asked my man to not read what i am writing here in this thread as i like to have my own views as well and he is good like that, but i did say i was going to answer your comments, he said alright, but to tell you lady, do what you need to babe and go have the fun you need to, and to just do it.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Thanks for going deeper into the issue C'est (OP), you posed some insightful questions about it rather than just banging on some of the familiar drums. I think your observation C'est about it being a temporary solution without end is a wise one. You pointed out that with a little further thought it doesn't make logical sense long-term, mentioning age and decreasing availability of partners as two of the reasons. Those are good points. I'd suggest that many people who do some sort of behaviour that brings them temporary relief at the risk of greater loss don't always think about it so logically. Maybe they don't have the necessary skills to do so, or many of those who do are surprisingly 'blind' when it comes to their own lives. Some don't really consider the consequences and limitations before acting and many of those who do explain them away for their own situation with 'It won't happen to me'. I could list many examples (including those from my own life!) One I saw last year was a young man in his Commodore going about 160 down the highway in the middle lane while everyone else was doing 100. I'm sure before the crash if I'd asked him he would've had some concept of the fact that driving faster means less time to react to someone changing lanes into his path, and that reefing on the brakes at that speed is going to result in a massive spin. Some knowledge of the potential consequences wasn't enough to prevent him taking the risk, thinking it wouldn't happen to him. It did, and harmed others, and I'm sure the guilt he feels is significant. Maybe enough to stop him from doing it again, maybe not. (The fact that he sped away to avoid the consequences of causing the collision doesn't bode well for his having learned his lesson). It's definitely not enough to stop others like him from doing it because they think 'it won't happen to me' too. Human nature has been mentioned as a driving force. I'd suggest that it's human nature to take risks to satisfy current desires when there's potential for significant loss, so long as that loss isn't assured. If everyone who cheated on a partner lost in the long run there'd probably still be people willing to do it. The fact that not everyone ends up in a worse position than when they started just makes it that much more appealing an option. 'It won't happen to me!' and if it does, 'well, I guess I'll deal with it then.'
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RHP User
12 years ago
I've read the whole thread but have no further comment just yet
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RHP User
12 years ago
GOOD ONE
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'cutiepie62' Sorry in my opinion its wrong cheating on someone you love just for meaningless sex and the thrill of it....why would you risk a great marriage for a selfish need, after all isnt that why you marry someone to be committed to them in the first place its very sneaky and dishonest and fraught with danger:( as your husband not only gets hurt , many other single young men are put in a dangerous game of roullette....its immature and totally wrong....just being honest here I have honestly never once tried to justify it to myself or the handful of people in my real life that know what i am/what i do. I have a psychiatrist that i see weekly...he is very aware of what i do...I have been seeing this man 52 times a year since i was 16 years old...he seen me develop from a very disturbed teenager to an equally damaged young woman. He seen me break and become as low as ever but he also helped me evolve to where i am. He has a million page medical description as to why i seek comfort in the arms of men aside from my husband.. But basically it boils down to self esteem...Feeling wanted = Feeling love.Its sefish, i know it is...but in fairness...the one person that im actually doing anything with...is also married (we have the same amount to lose...no single guys here) his wife works out of town and isnt interested in the intimacy side of things. So all we really do when we see each other is hug and kiss and occassionally i will give him a BJ (my husband HATES them...doesnt like them...they are my favourite thing to do.)Selfish? YesUnfair? YesWill i stop? Yes... i willHow long for? No one knows...it will almost be like a detox i guess but i have the "Professionals" helping me...Im a complicated being...and i never eluded to anything else..Also on RHP...i have found no one else worth risking my marriage over...so meets and friendships are the only thing i got from this place.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E' You married young and your feelings/urges are quite natural. It's ok to have these feelings, it makes you human. I only skimmed over the rest of the posts because quite frankly between Q's first post and Jensman in particular it was nailed rather perfectly. I've been cheated on and also been the cheater, I left my husband TWICE!! while I strived to sort out what I did and didn't want. I have been in the man's role with Child Support and no access, have been homeless and lost friends and suffered a myriad of other "ailments" as a result of MY CHOICES. I am now single, enjoy a platonic friendship with my ex-husband and believe our kids (living with him) are mostly happy. There are many reasons for what people do, good, bad, indifferent.....I think more is to be said for how YOU as the individual feel about yourself and your actions and whether you can look at yourself honestly, even the ugly parts of your soul; and acknowledge these and still strive to do and be your best trying to harm none. I chose to leave, not so I could continue an affair or fuck indiscriminately, but so I could be free of the guilt for not loving my partner emotionally or physically the way he craved and in a marriage that quite frankly bored the shit out of me! He has everything, I took nothing material....damage was done but the second time I left he knows that I am doing the best for all of our sakes. Judge not lest ye be judged, to err is human to forgive divine. ~ IndyQuoting 'I_N_D_A_G_I_N_E' You married young and your feelings/urges are quite natural. It's ok to have these feelings, it makes you human. I only skimmed over the rest of the posts because quite frankly between Q's first post and Jensman in particular it was nailed rather perfectly. I've been cheated on and also been the cheater, I left my husband TWICE!! while I strived to sort out what I did and didn't want. I have been in the man's role with Child Support and no access, have been homeless and lost friends and suffered a myriad of other "ailments" as a result of MY CHOICES. I am now single, enjoy a platonic friendship with my ex-husband and believe our kids (living with him) are mostly happy. There are many reasons for what people do, good, bad, indifferent.....I think more is to be said for how YOU as the individual feel about yourself and your actions and whether you can look at yourself honestly, even the ugly parts of your soul; and acknowledge these and still strive to do and be your best trying to harm none. I chose to leave, not so I could continue an affair or fuck indiscriminately, but so I could be free of the guilt for not loving my partner emotionally or physically the way he craved and in a marriage that quite frankly bored the shit out of me! He has everything, I took nothing material....damage was done but the second time I left he knows that I am doing the best for all of our sakes. Judge not lest ye be judged, to err is human to forgive divine. ~ Indy 😔 My husband is a beautiful man...and he loves me through my flaws, through our downs...unquestionably with all his heart. He loves me as i am...and he loves me as i change. I am the luckiest person in the world to have him...and as stupid as it sounds, i will do nothing to jeapordise what we have...But i do...everytime i lie, or delete a message, or visit this page...Originally i think i was all "well he did it to me so im allowed to do it back"But thats not fair...two wrongs dont make a right. I didnt have to forgive him...but my heart wouldnt let him go...and i knew he was my forever after.My urges are selfish..i own that...my actions are very selfish..i completely own that...but im not going to apologise for them.I am who i am...and this is the first time i have been able to be unashamedly honest...completely...
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RHP User
12 years ago
Well i wish you the best of luck with all that....and i dont think this site seems like a good thing for you....as it seems to cause a lot of guilt and distress inside your heart and head...i am not judging you at all. Until you can forgive your husband ,you will never forgive yourself, you are doing the exact same thing he has done to you......you are saying you would do nothing to jeapordise what you have with your husband, but being on this site is doing exactly that, two wrongs dont make a right, i am sure you know what to do already you have just spelled it all out in black and white lol
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RHP User
12 years ago
Life is a journey and we all need someone special in our life's to share our most intimate secrets & some time the person you married is not that someone When you have been married for a long time and cannot leave for various reasons there will come a time when you will have the need to find someone special in the background, someone discreet with whom you can connect and share your most intimate secrets with and that's when your search for a new journey begins. A journey to find that special moment you once had, that look of "I want you", the "I cannot wait to see you again" and the feeling of butterflies when you meet for the first time.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Silent your only 27 ...you have deep issues...and only you know and face those.........the one thing you can not understand and I say this because I and many others know this ............it is not easy to find LOVE and a truly lovely wondeful man/partrner. I thought immediately when I read your post you needed to be desired..........so your self esteem issues come into play .........maybe Lady T could help or offer some insight as she left her marraige but was lucky enough he was there to return to...alone was hard together wasnt easy.........but she also knows she had to do that and find herself and live that.......before she could regain her love. You Silent are the only one beating yourself up because what you do has no impact on me or society it is personal. Time is on yor side...take each day a day ata time. Jack Daniels....yes you are very relevant here...and sorry to say was an inspiration for my thread. Slippery.......Yes the answer is we live every day and dont think about every step we take and how that wil impact the future..in so many ways. Ingadine..........I was always envious of your lion. Lonewander....I read somewhere yesterday an idea on how to get rid of your partner.......offer up the suggestion of bringing another person into the bedroom....... Cutiepie..You as well as everyone is right and entitled to your opinion.............You are very cute too for 51...:) Lovintit...I know to each their own. Jazza...Thankyou
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RHP User
12 years ago
I was never desirable. It didn't matter how confident I was, how much effort I put into looking good, I was the girl that men became friends with to get close to my friends, the friend zone girl... It's terrible but I had to use sex to even get guys to look at me...self esteem and feeling good about myself, that come from making others happy. And I enjoyed it...but it was incredibly unhealthy. Deep seeded issues infact, which I have never announced publically. I am only now, at the age of 27, tAking control of my health, finding my own self esteem (instead of joking that people would want me the way I am) and I'm feeling good about myself. Well, on the road to feeling good about myself. Instead of using others to make me feel sexy, desireable, wanted...I need to be able to do that myself. It's a journey and I'll get there. I just wanted a voice. I've been reading all these cheating posts thinking "I don't have any reason to cheat, I wonder what people will honestly think of me" and I'll own peoples thoughts, I always will. I do the wrong thing. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
SilentlyWaiting, good on you for being so honest and for putting a really human face on the issue. I'm glad other posters have been able to give their opinions without being abusive - great work to all them as well. For what it's worth SW, I don't use nasty words on my profile where I say I don't want to meet people having sex without their partner's knowledge/permission, and I don't use them to people who talk to me anyway when the truth comes out in messaging or in person. I can make my choice about what I want to do without name-calling someone else, especially someone who has actually demonstrated honesty by telling me about their situation. Not one them was obligated to and I'm kind of awestruck why they would lie to their partner, even by omission, but choose to tell me the truth. *shrug* But I'm glad they do. It means I don't have to get involved in feelings of guilt that aren't mine and I don't want. I only want to feel positive about this side of me so I try to make sure it stays that way. The more you love yourself, SW, the more you'll be able to love your hubby because you'll feel yourself deserving and an equal partner.
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On_Safari
12 years ago
My Lion will always be a pivotal moment in my life of the recent 4yrs. I loved him then, I love him now and will always be in awe of the time I knew him. Have met another and spent some truly wonderful time with him also......I consider myself truly lycky to have walked shoulder to shoulder....however briefly with these spectacular men. (Tearing) THANK YOU!! xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
Haha Thankyou very much Cest_la_vie_baby:) you are not too bad yourself and thanks for the very interesting and sensitive post...... xx
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RHP User
12 years ago
without in my marriage. I am really envious, no, jealous of people who have partners who facilitate their swinging or even just let them go play. Not like that here. No intimacy at home, none by permission outside. I mean, I am even more envious of people who are married to one person for forty years and still look at each other with stars in their eyes and have plenty of sex with each other. If I didn't 'cheat' I would not have sexual relations for maybe 40 years by the time I drop off the perch. This is not a situation I am happy with. So not cheating is a non-solution with no end in sight, either. And what if I leave and become divorced. My experience talking with many - not all - on this site is that they are looking for 'the one' regardless of what they write about NSA, FWB etc etc etc. And there is no guarantee regardless of who you hook up post-divorce with that the wedding cake or key to the shared townhouse won't mean a second death to the libido. Life isn't so simple that Tony Abbott style simple solutions fix all problems. So I prefer to look for people who are genuinely up for fun. It does not mean I don't care about them or they about me. WIll they dry up as I get older - maybe. I am up for physical intimacy even if I was unable to achieve erection or orgasm because sex is about more than squirting jam in the donut. Sometimes, I meet people off RHP - and just have coffee or lunch! Sometimes, I chat with people interstate, even on occasion internationally. Have I come to enjoy the hunt, the parry and thrust of the chase, I have to admit it has. Also intensely frustrated and lonely and feeling rejected at times - but you don't have to be attached for that. I have spent time with couples, singles and groups and had some great experiences. When I message someone and they say no you are married I am fine with that - I don't want to burden anyone. Same as someone says they aren't attracted - you can't convince someone to fancy you. So, OP if you are blissfully single or coupled and happy with your love/sex life good on you. You do not have to have anything to do with us poor bottom feeders. Just be happy with your lot and thankful you don't have to sneak around to get your jollies.
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RHP User
12 years ago
the one thing i remember about my ex, isnt the colour of her hair, or the sound of her voice, or even her laugh or the way she looked...its the fact that she betrayed our relationship, by choosing to go with another man. it ended what we had built, it tore apart our home, our family and ruined a few friendships as well.... i wont forget that, i wont ever forgive it, and i most definitely will not ever understand her choices. its what has formed my opinion on the topic, and i have to say that i find no understanding or compassion, or even empathy towards anyone who sees betrayal as an adult option, or for anyone who willingly facilitates this deception. my wife feels similar...she wont tolerate any kind of dishonesty...not even about the most mundane of subjects... she's been betrayed as well, but her betrayal included savage beatings and multiple rapes for challenging her asshole hells angel ex about his lack of honesty and his infidelities... guess we are well suited to one another, as we both view honesty in very similar ways. sorry, but this is a topic that i have very firm views on...its why we are very careful about who we play with, and go to great lengths to ensure any prospective playmates are in fact unattached. means we say 'no' much more often than perhaps we should, but thats life.
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RHP User
12 years ago
As Doctor Julius Sumner Miller once said, "Why is it so?" If you're unhappy in your relationship/marriage.....LEAVE! Kids or no kids, mortgages, joint finances, I can't live on my own, I do love him/her. What a load of BS.. You can throw around all the excuses in the world, but really? You have one shot at life, and if you're unhappy, missing out on sex, whatever it is, you're the one that has the power to fix it!
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RHP User
12 years ago
I hate the 'blame the partner' justification. Say I look on marriage as any other legal contract, the fact that one of the couple has broken the terms of agreement does not automatically give the other partner the right to dispense with their half of the agreement. . Then, say I look at it as taking responsibility for my choices. I posted this recently but the thread got deleted very soon after. I worked my post around the word honour as used by another poster on that thread. It was about my ex who had been hurt so badly by his ex before me, he had no trust for me and always told me, he would never marry me. I did my best, I tried so hard to prove we're not all the same, but he was not to be dissuaded from his belief. I gave in to someone else's extortions after years of living with my ex's negative opinion of me while also putting up with him loving his car and mates more than me LOL. I didn't realise it at the time but he was also very contolling in his dustrust, marking the tyres on my car so he'd know when I moved it and taking out the distributor cap when that didn't work and then lastly taking my car from me altogether. And he only EVER tried to hit me the once, the black eye he gave me looked upon by his mates as due punishment. He drove me away, hurt me and influenced my state of mind but it was I who lived down to his opinion. :-) . I finally made the decision to move on in the end and have been with the man I met around that time since. won't be back to this thread ;-)
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RHP User
12 years ago
I think if more people - men and women - viewed relationships like you, the world would indeed be a better place. There's a silly belief that women are more possesive then men and therefore are the queens of the green eyed monster....I think there is an equal measure...if you love someone, you want the best for them, you trust them....I'd like to think if I ever do decide to have one significant other, I will share him with playmates as I'd expect him to share me....can only hope...
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RHP User
12 years ago
The only person you're dishonest to is yourself in the long run....no one lives your life but you....no one makes decisions for you - but you...you are responsible for you, let no one elses opinion impact your personal choices! Just a thought......
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'MrsPeachyPear' I hate the 'blame the partner' justification. Say I look on marriage as any other legal contract, the fact that one of the couple has broken the terms of agreement does not automatically give the other partner the right to dispense with their half of the agreement. ...actually, it does.
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RHP User
12 years ago
people use it as an excuse to behave poorly tho...they'll justify their own lack of moral fibre, by saying such things as 'she'd betrayed me so its only fair'...all that does is brand them as hypocrites. tit for tat isnt an adult behavior, its childish.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Although Jazza's heartfelt post was in front of mine it was there for me to read when i posted.Everybody has their own opinion, & they're entitled to that, hell it's almost a duty to have an opinion!I'll have to ponder the OP some more since I apparently provided the the inspiration for this thread.Thankyou C'est la Vie I'll need to think before I answer. I do have a question if I have a hall pass then is it still cheating?...and thankyou all for posting
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RHP User
12 years ago
Although Jazza's heartfelt post was in front of mine it was NOT there for me to read when i posted.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' Quoting 'MrsPeachyPear' I hate the 'blame the partner' justification. Say I look on marriage as any other legal contract, the fact that one of the couple has broken the terms of agreement does not automatically give the other partner the right to dispense with their half of the agreement. ...actually, it does. Because yes, and it's called divorce.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I don't think behaviour in one part of a person's life in any way defines them as a person overall. . And my post here is specifically aimed at the 'blaming the other partner' scenario. . If if your choice to deal with things in a way different from me, that is your prerogative, I just don't accept the idea of blaming my partner for the way I deal with issues in our relationship. :-Peachy
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RHP User
12 years ago
"So it feels that people who dont cheat are foolish". Definitely not foolish. I respect that people have their own choices to make in their lives and to avoid affairs is a wise and valid choice. I know that many people suffer the hardships of a sexless marriage without going down this road. Good luck to them. What I find foolish is that many of them expect everyone else to share their sense of propriety and not respect that others are allowed to make their own choices. While only about thirty percent of people openly claim that extramarital sex is not morally wrong, around fifty-five percent will engage in it at some period in their lives. Some people say one thing but do another because it's expected of them by hardliners who would persecute them for their views. MOST AFFAIRS ARE NEVER FOUND OUT AND ONLY A SMALL PERCENTAGE CAUSE DIVORCE. "For how long?? How long must you have to sneak around?" I dunno, how long is a piece of string. It may last until it's no longer fun or maybe until they get caught. It may end because the person realizes it was a mistake and returns to the spouse. It may end with the realization that the new lover is better for them than the old and they divorce to begin anew. It can go on indefinitely. Some affairs have lasted decades though I'm buggered if I know how. "It may be fine when you are young in your forties and maybe fifties. I have noticed a few older men in here looking for the sex lacking in their marriage." Actually, it's not only men who engage in extramarital sex. Women do it too. Even as they age, there will always be someone available as long as they are looking in their own age group. Where they come unstuck is when they expect to still be able to pull the young chickybabes while in their fifties and sixties (or seventies, eighties etc). Yes the chances lessen but there are still some. "Did you miss the boat?" Very possibly. "Should you have left when you were young enough to find the sex partner of your dreams?" Who's to say this person even exists. Nobody's perfect. Some never find their 'soulmate' and are content to settle with what they've got. Who's to say? My question to you is, why should you care? Why is it so important to you that people who have affairs should try to justify themselves to you? People have been sharing their experiences in these forums for years. It's not out of guilt that they reveal their secrets. The issue is raised and they engage in discussion, usually only to be denigrated by bigots who refuse to acknowledge the validity of their decisions and motivations and their right to their own moral code.
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madotara69
12 years ago
We all know you have the hots for Lady Tuscan.
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RHP User
12 years ago
My attitudes have changed significantly over time in that not everything is black or white and there is a lot of grey area. I agree with jensman in that generally the cheating is just a symptom of the problems in the relationship and if things were happy, honest and open there would be no need to cheat .... but there is always a reason why such as they aren't getting an emotional connection or its no longer a very sexual relationship. It takes two people for it to get to this stage so you can't 100% blame it all on the cheater. As to what to do ... that's the complicated bit. What if everything else in the relationship is great but there is no sex or intimacy for quite some time. Is the rejected partner suppose to just put up for the next 10,20, 30 years with placing their partners happiness (in no longer wanting sex) above their own happiness, of course not ! Its either a relationship where two parties want to work at it constantly to make it work (which maybe includes varying degrees of openness). A relationship is not a emotional prison just cause you have made vows or have kids !!!
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'madotara69' We all know you have the hots for Lady Tuscan. Lady Tuscan.......
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RHP User
12 years ago
If you and your wife have an agreement then it is not cheating....but from what you have said here you started to fall in love with a woman,I think if you have a regular sex partner that can easily happen....and there is the rub xx Q
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sweetgem
12 years ago
Thank you for sharing your neutral POV on this topic (even though it's not mine lol), which I find interesting and I might be able to gain some different understanding on such matter, which is one of the biggest issues that takes place in today's society, thanks to the modern social media technology and trend. However, having said the above, I would like to know, whether or not, did you make the below's statement: "What if everything else in the relationship is great but there is no sex or intimacy for quite some time."........ Based on the assumption that a couple in this kind of situation had already talked to each other openly on numerous occasions trying to come up with a solution? Had they already seen the marriage counsellor together for help before one party of the couple decided to seek affairs outside their marriage? Did you mean that a couple in this kind of situation had done all they could to resolve their sex life issues, but still couldn't solve the problem? Please do not take my questions wrongly as I don't mean to challenge you at all or any thing rude by asking the above questions. I'm asking the questions purely to help me understand such situation :-) I for one would not tolerate my partner to hold me off sex just because he is not up for it, or doesn't have much a sex drive; nor will I stop giving sex to my partner when I am capable to (i.e. when I don't have my P or when I'm not exhausted from long day of work, etc.) because I see relationship as a two-way traffic. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
No offence taken SG and sorry in advance for the long reply :-) I guess what I was alluding to is what happens if you talk openly, about the sexual disconnect, go to a marriage counsellor etc but it is just all talk from the partner and nothing changes and you are still left with no intimacy or no sexual 3-6 months down the track. What if your partner wants to still maintain a monogamous relationship but has changed the rules of relationship from a monogamous sexual one to now a non sexual one. Something I bet you didn't and wouldn't have signed up for when starting the relationship. Society (wrongly imho) is so quick to jump to the attack of the person either cheating or ending the relationship saying how could they be so insensitive and all they are after is sex, sex sex or claim they are a sex addict. They don't see the other side of the coin and the affect that repeated rejection and loss of intimacy has on someones well being and sense of self. Am not saying cheating is the answer, but I think that Mike and Shells seemly black and white response is not the answer either (no offence as your entitled to your view and respect that M&S). Its complicated but if you have tried talking, counselling etc and there is no change then you shouldn't feel pressured by the sex shamming society into staying in a prison of a relationship for some moral sense of partner or kids if it is going to make you profoundly unhappy. Likewise the majority of society is geared towards monogamous relationships but here is a case where relaxing the monogamous aspect would lift the pressure on the non sexual partner from being constantly nagged for sex and giving the other partner and outlet to get those desires met. And maybe save a relationship that can be saved.
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RHP User
12 years ago
...most people don't try couples counselling. This doesn't mean they haven't tried other avenues but, for one reason or another, counselling wasn't on the cards.My first wife refused to go to counselling with me. I think she was scared of what she might hear me say in front of a stranger. Jennylee's first husband also refused counselling because, as far as he was concerned, he was a perfect husband (his own words) and the problem was all hers. Many people avoid counselling out of fear that it might be suggested by the counsellor that the problems might be their fault.Also, while I know that there is free counselling available for very low income earners, the cost is still prohibitive for couples who's income falls just above the cut off.
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RHP User
12 years ago
about this topic is Our Cheating Hearts - love, loyalty, lust and lies by Kate Figes. It gave me a better understanding of it as it is complicated and not black and white. Box.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Qefenta2' If you and your wife have an agreement then it is not cheating....but from what you have said here you started to fall in love with a woman,I think if you have a regular sex partner that can easily happen....and there is the rub xx Q and that's why the divorcee dumped me she knows how much I still love Mrs Denials.I have another friend, with whom I am in the quicksand of the friendship zone, she is married and has a hubby with erectile dysfunction. We are good friends and talk freely as confidants, she's had a few affairs and is getting emotionally involved with a divorced man.I intend say more as time...and emotional energy permit.
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sweetgem
12 years ago
Thank you Araps and Jensman for your comments. @jensman, it is indeed sad that the majority of people won't seek Counselling help nor are they brave enough to recognise their own problems, or worse even, they do not think they have a problem! I had been there done that with an ex husband lacked of self reflecting on his problems in my previous life. Therefore, I ended my marriage with pain, but it was the right decision I have ever made in my 20s! Anyways, I do understand that there are more complicated situations to the story when it comes to cheating. However, it doesn't mean that I can accept or would agree with such behaviour. However, having said the above, I have learned not to jump in and judge anyone who is doing so, because that's their choice, not mine and I am nobody to judge :-) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' "So it feels that people who dont cheat are foolish". Definitely not foolish. I respect that people have their own choices to make in their lives and to avoid affairs is a wise and valid choice. I know that many people suffer the hardships of a sexless marriage without going down this road. Good luck to them. What I find foolish is that many of them expect everyone else to share their sense of propriety and not respect that others are allowed to make their own choices. While only about thirty percent of people openly claim that extramarital sex is not morally wrong, around fifty-five percent will engage in it at some period in their lives. Some people say one thing but do another because it's expected of them by hardliners who would persecute them for their views. MOST AFFAIRS ARE NEVER FOUND OUT AND ONLY A SMALL PERCENTAGE CAUSE DIVORCE. Foolish because i felt it was insinuated It was foolish for not accepting people have a right to cheat or reasons for cheating. "For how long?? How long must you have to sneak around?" I dunno, how long is a piece of string. It may last until it's no longer fun or maybe until they get caught. It may end because the person realizes it was a mistake and returns to the spouse. It may end with the realization that the new lover is better for them than the old and they divorce to begin anew. It can go on indefinitely. Some affairs have lasted decades though I'm buggered if I know how. This is an answer THANKYOU this pretty much sums it up as with every situation in life who knows how long and era lasts. "It may be fine when you are young in your forties and maybe fifties. I have noticed a few older men in here looking for the sex lacking in their marriage." Actually, it's not only men who engage in extramarital sex. Women do it too. Even as they age, there will always be someone available as long as they are looking in their own age group. Where they come unstuck is when they expect to still be able to pull the young chickybabes while in their fifties and sixties (or seventies, eighties etc). Yes the chances lessen but there are still some. Slip up sorry I had probably said men because men are the ones who check me out I have not ever searched women in older age groups and I did not want to claim men cheat more than women it was just a fraudian slip. Even though you say that there are still people in the older age group to engage with it possibly wont be at a ratio compared to their younger years.............very limited in choices then. "Did you miss the boat?" Very possibly. Not me I could have many times it doesnt faze me I didn't, this was aimed at the older people who may spend years cheating because they need sex and then one day find they are not picking up like they used to and as suggested may have been able to find another partner prior. "Should you have left when you were young enough to find the sex partner of your dreams?" Who's to say this person even exists. Nobody's perfect. Some never find their 'soulmate' and are content to settle with what they've got. Who's to say? Me I should have left yes and I tried many times, My question to you is, why should you care? Why is it so important to you that people who have affairs should try to justify themselves to you? I didnt ask for justification I suppose I shouldn't care but as I had observed some ageing men on rhp looking for nsa sex and I think it was Liquidsilvers thread about his suppressed sexlife I wondered if one had the chance to change his life / future why wouldn't he take it..........(apparently he says different now!) People have been sharing their experiences in these forums for years. It's not out of guilt that they reveal their secrets. The issue is raised and they engage in discussion, usually only to be denigrated by bigots who refuse to acknowledge the validity of their decisions and motivations and their right to their own moral code. The amusing thing is my question never attacked cheating I just tried to maybe alert some people to the facts that the choices they are making or about to make have a future.........maybe if they hear others choices they may make choices for their happy futures. I know of people who have cheated and then saved their marraige ofcourse if it werent for the love of the other partner that would not have happened. I know of people who cheated and then had the courage to leave the marraige and are in happy prosperous relationships now. I have seen the pain caused by cheating and the devastation lack of trust it creates in peoples future relationships. I think I was just trying to make some people aware of their options. Hopefully hearing from others about what they did and how and why. I actually like the stories whether they be mike and chells or yours because you moved on and found life. This thread often detoured into cheating because people had a story to tell how it affected them stories from both sides of the fence. I never made this thread to attack cheaters but I am surprised how many of them have tried to defend and justify themselves..........perhaps a little guilt. Don't we often learn in life from listening to other peoples stories.........hardship, pain, lessons............not everything is cut and dried.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I've read my really good posts on this difficult subject. I don't have any answers about it. I've been married for nearly 15 years and have had an affair which really only ended when we moved cities. I guess I was a person that was/is sexually frustrated, but also love my wife very much and love my family life with our children. There's so many contradictions in that, and I'm aware of them! The other person in my affair is also married, but her motivation stemmed from a lack of affection and attention from her husband. So that probably brings me to my point. It seems in most cases men want to release their sexual urge and find ways to release that tension. But women want to feel wanted and feel that someone admires them! True? It's my view that if you have an affair, for what ever reason, then have an affair, be very careful and discreet or don't have an affair at all!! I'm not in a position to judge others - but nothing shits me more than a person having an affair and letting everyone know about it! That is having contempt for the feelings of everyone around them, especially their family and friends.. Thoughts???
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RHP User
12 years ago
About this topic that i have no idea where to start. Discretion certainly is the key. At the beginning it's so exciting and new and fun that you just want to tell someone and that's entirely not practical and the reason that some arrangements end in divorce. My current arrangement of 3 years ended last night for a reason you mentioned. He was keen for the sexual side where I was more for the lead up and the intimacy, wanting to be wanted. He ultimately decided that was more or a betrayal to his wife than the act so we made the decision to stop. I still won't justify it because deep down i know it's wrong. Maybe I'm just wired a different way. While I am blissfully happy with my husband, I can't help but want more - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Jack_Denials' Quoting 'Qefenta2' If you and your wife have an agreement then it is not cheating....but from what you have said here you started to fall in love with a woman,I think if you have a regular sex partner that can easily happen....and there is the rub xx Q and that's why the divorcee dumped me she knows how much I still love Mrs Denials.I have another friend, with whom I am in the quicksand of the friendship zone, she is married and has a hubby with erectile dysfunction. We are good friends and talk freely as confidants, she's had a few affairs and is getting emotionally involved with a divorced man.I intend say more as time...and emotional energy permit. Did you start to fall in love or her? As Q says regular sex leads to strings......and as you were intimate you also possibly shared, woes, feelings and common issues. But you moved on past a chance at love.....I must be naive because I have never had love, I feel cheated I suppose and you have it at home and are lucky enough it finds you again and move past it...........could she have been a great love. I know your not in it lo leave Mrs and hurt her, but be careful who you hurt along the way. I say this with soft words (and tears) not hard.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'MrsPeachyPear' I love it when you point out that I should have worded my post differently, Quoting 'jensman1903' Quoting 'MrsPeachyPear' I hate the 'blame the partner' justification. Say I look on marriage as any other legal contract, the fact that one of the couple has broken the terms of agreement does not automatically give the other partner the right to dispense with their half of the agreement. ...actually, it does. Because yes, and it's called divorce.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I didn't really think it warranted one. Sorry.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' I didn't really think it warranted one. Sorry. Yeah right... I'll take it on as point made.
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RHP User
12 years ago
It's okay, I know you have an issue about admitting when you get it wrong.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'Cest_la_viebaby' Quoting 'Jack_Denials' Quoting 'Qefenta2' If you and your wife have an agreement then it is not cheating....but from what you have said here you started to fall in love with a woman,I think if you have a regular sex partner that can easily happen....and there is the rub xx Q and that's why the divorcee dumped me she knows how much I still love Mrs Denials.I have another friend, with whom I am in the quicksand of the friendship zone, she is married and has a hubby with erectile dysfunction. We are good friends and talk freely as confidants, she's had a few affairs and is getting emotionally involved with a divorced man.I intend say more as time...and emotional energy permit. Did you start to fall in love or her? As Q says regular sex leads to strings......and as you were intimate you also possibly shared, woes, feelings and common issues. But you moved on past a chance at love.....I must be naive because I have never had love, I feel cheated I suppose and you have it at home and are lucky enough it finds you again and move past it...........could she have been a great love. I know your not in it lo leave Mrs and hurt her, but be careful who you hurt along the way. I say this with soft words (and tears) not hard. The only error on you part is an error of ommission...we were intimate, but not physically.She was smart enough to see she would get hurt...I think I was part of a recurring pattern.She found someone else & dumped me...a bit coldly...I think I may have lost respect for her.She probably felt hurt...I most definitely did.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I've got my very own cyberstalker.
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RHP User
12 years ago
I was monogamous. He cheated on me with 3 lovers. It still fucking hurts like hell. We then communicated openly whereby I asked if I could take on lovers as he wasn't fulfilling my sexual needs. Resisted any attempts at intimacy that I initiated, but wanted to 'swing' to 'fix' our marriage. I said we needed to 'fix' our marriage and if he made me feel safe enough, sure! And $150 a pop at counselling helped for a while. 18 months later he moved out. Now I have accepted that 'he just wasn't that into me'. Stayed because of the kids and thought the grass was greener. God I hated him so much, now I just wish he was more honest with himself. And the constant presumption that people cheat due to lack of intimacy drives me crazy. They cheat because they want to. I was constantly gagging for it but he wanted 'anyone' but me. Ok not entirely true, we did have an awesome sex life if he initiated sex. His profile on a site like this stated "I don't care what you look like" made it pretty clear it was variety he sought.
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RHP User
12 years ago
That's a shit story Corrie and yeah he def wasn't into being intimate with you, even when you were prepared to work at the relationship and open it up. xox At lot of what causes the anguish in my humble opinion is when there is a miss match in libido's and level of need for intimacy. Society puts pressure on people to put sexual compatibility on 57000 on the list of priorities for couples and that if you have a good friendship, communication respect bond etc then sexual compatibility is not important or love conquers all etc etc. So people pick partners that aren't a sexual match as everything else is good, hoping that things will get better but kids, life, work and time just wear away at couples who are mismatched until something snaps and the inevitable car crash ensures. My self included. Cheers,W
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RHP User
12 years ago
Yes the mis matched libido is what we all keep coming back to. My gripe is that it is the constant assumption that 'she' is too tired after kids. Let's face it, this is the generalisation of this thread. And we are all generalising here. Ask Ralf, ask many others, ask me, ask many, the truth is we are still highly sexualised human beings, sadly the men in our life put us in the 'mother' category. We are not to be touched again in that way. Oh Revere me but repel me. FUCK THAT! I want to be fucked senseless. Like a car crash! BANG!
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madotara69
12 years ago
Quoting 'Coriander' Yes the mis matched libido is what we all keep coming back to. My gripe is that it is the constant assumption that 'she' is too tired after kids. Let's face it, this is the generalisation of this thread. And we are all generalising here. Ask Ralf, ask many others, ask me, ask many, the truth is we are still highly sexualised human beings, sadly the men in our life put us in the 'mother' category. We are not to be touched again in that way. Oh Revere me but repel me. FUCK THAT! I want to be fucked senseless. Like a car crash! BANG! Does not matter who you are, you got that pizazz miss Coriander.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Can I ask you to fess up and admit to treating us differently after we became the mother of your child? Is that why you seek sex elsewhere? We are the 'mother, nurturer, creator' Why can't you just become awesome 'motherfuckers?'
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RHP User
12 years ago
Quoting 'madotara69'Does not matter who you are, you got that pizazz miss Coriander. I'll be interested in any honesty that ensues from here. Love the Crone xxx
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