M113
Sex with a cheating partner ???
December 06 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
But I am not one to judge others. Who knows what their reasons are?
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RHP User
13 years ago
this is a topic that will divide opinion like no other...as similar topics have done in the past.I don't judge either,but a lot of people here have been very hurt by an unfaithful partner.....and a lot of people like me have had their reasons for cheating.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I give them the hell noooooooo wouldn't touch you in a million years. I had one married guy contact me, I turned him down. Then I saw him and his wife and their little baby girl who was only a couple of weeks old. All I could think was " What a self centred scumbag"
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RHP User
13 years ago
but then Ive never been a manogamous person. Maybe I just havent found that elusive person I can be manogamous with. Their reasons for having sex outside their relationship is their own, it really has nothing to do with me and honesly Im not there to marry them just to have some fun. I know some absolutely lovely people who are playing outside their relationship both with and without their partners knowledge. In some of these cases its a 'dont ask, dont tell' situation (where they have been told to look for sex elsewhere for what ever reason) and others truly are doing it without their partners knowledge. Does it make them any less a person? Do they not have needs also? Why should I judge someone without knowing their circumstances? Just because theyre playing around outside ther relationship doesnt necessarily mean they love their partner any less it could just mean they arent being sexually satisfied. Kisses Focus
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RHP User
13 years ago
If you know someone is a cheater and you sleep with them ,and they cheat on you ,that says more about "you "than it dose the cheater.Like hanging out with a murderer and wondering why they are sharpening a knife
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RHP User
13 years ago
It's not cheating if you're not playing by their rules.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Was the answer I got to my question of WHY ? when I caught my serial cheater of a partner out.. My reply was...fine ok....youve broken my heart....the equivalent of like stabbing me in the chest with a 10 inch knife and performing a crude autopsy in removing my heart......somewhat murdering me in the process......ah ok.....you think theres a difference ? there isnt ...the pain is still the same if not greater because you have been hurt/betrayed by a person you love and adore more than anyone in the world My own experience is if they cheat on you (lying to you in the process) they will also lie and cheat in other areas of their lives as well...Im not saying all cheaters do that..but that has been my own experience..it is what it is Do some people have valid reasons for cheating ? Perhaps (yes I do believe some genuinely do - depends on your perspectives ) - but I dont want to know nor do I care. Its your business, true but dont make me a party to it....and I hope you spend time wondering if the person you love is cheating on you as well ................like Meeka posted in another thread - I want to be someones experience not someones excuse and bit on the side... ..........and good luck with living with yourself..Im sure you do ......but remember every house of cards comes tumbling down.................eventually
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RHP User
13 years ago
we dont see infidelity within our own relationship as something forgivable, or even reasonable, so we'd never invite anyone into our lives, if we knew they were cheating on their partner....irrespective of their motivations/reasons/excuses. it would be exceptionally hypocritical of us to do so.....
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RHP User
13 years ago
This one will get gruesome! I don’t think anyone should be the moral police here, just be guided by our individual moral compass. Clearly there are issues within a relationship for one of the parties to feel they cannot communicate their feelings, needs, desires etc. It’s up to each individual to determine what is right or wrong within themselves and their relationship. I don’t think anyone wants to be the bad guy/girl or intentionally hurt someone they love or care about – I’m sure there are as many reasons people cheat as there are drops of rain that make a puddle. Now, as for sleeping with someone I know is cheating, honestly, I would be guided by my own gut feeling. I don’t have a blanket “yes or no” answer, it again depends on the person and my own moral compass at the time. I have a partner and our relationship “essentially” works except for a few minor areas. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to cheat and I’m all about open communication – so we sat and discussed our options and came up with a solution that works for us. It was incredibly difficult, I hated hurting him, we didn’t want to lose each other, but I needed to start my sexual journey and once he understood, he could accept it. Woop woop, happy Friday
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Shinasbabe27' Was the answer I got to my question of WHY ? when I caught my serial cheater of a partner out.. My reply was...fine ok....youve broken my heart....the equivalent of like stabbing me in the chest with a 10 inch knife and performing a crude autopsy in removing my heart......somewhat murdering me in the process......ah ok.....you think theres a difference ? there isnt ...the pain is still the same if not greater because you have been hurt/betrayed by a person you love and adore more than anyone in the world My own experience is if they cheat on you (lying to you in the process) they will also lie and cheat in other areas of their lives as well...Im not saying all cheaters do that..but that has been my own experience..it is what it is Do some people have valid reasons for cheating ? Perhaps (yes I do believe some genuinely do - depends on your perspectives ) - but I dont want to know nor do I care. Its your business, true but dont make me a party to it....and I hope you spend time wondering if the person you love is cheating on you as well ................like Meeka posted in another thread - I want to be someones experience not someones excuse and bit on the side... ..........and good luck with living with yourself..Im sure you do ......but remember every house of cards comes tumbling down.................eventually and it cant be brushed aside like it was something of little or no consequence. being betrayed in this manner can elicit the most destructive and perilous emotions....its soul destroying and confidence shattering when the one you believe 'loves' you, thinks so little of you that they can turn to another for 'sex'......especially when you have what would equate to a 'normal, satisfying' sex life already............
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RHP User
13 years ago
Mike and Shel ....yep...even if you have "normal"satisfying sex life already - for some its simply not enough...their ego just needs to be constantly stroked and their manhood assured..... ...and by anyone..anyone will do....but they still want to come home to their creatures comforts....never having the balls to end it..why would they when they are getting the best of both worlds.????... .thats fine..Im just so glad Im not them. Too each their own..but foolish if they think it will last forever...it doesnt
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'mikeandshel' we dont see infidelity within our own relationship as something forgivable, or even reasonable, so we'd never invite anyone into our lives, if we knew they were cheating on their partner....irrespective of their motivations/reasons/excuses. it would be exceptionally hypocritical of us to do so..... You wouldn't do it, you wouldn't accept it, that's the way it should be.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Each circumstance is different and each person will react to a given circumstance differently, depending on their own set of values and morals. Being different doesn't make it wrong.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Can of worms is right. Each and every time this one comes up the moralistic police jump on the band wagon and get all rigeous. They end up abusing those who disagree with them and the ropic ends up getting closed, and you know the worst offenders are the couples. Simply because thier partnerrs know and accept thier infidelity seems to make it okay in thier eyes. Well sex outside the marriage is just that...sex outside the marriage. Yes I know Mikeandshel..cheating does not have to be sexual. Simple really. I have had sex with people who have been attached or in a relationship in the past because...like the one cheating...I can. Too easy. I am not there for a full on relationship, normally they give me what I want, do not encroach on my time or emotions. They come, the fuck, they leave. Sometimes the married lover is just what a girl wants. Truelly no strings attached at all. Except I have managed to turn a couple of them into really close friends and even when we no longer play we remain in contact. It is not my place to judge them and it is not your place to judge me.
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RHP User
13 years ago
.......but then his wife found out.
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Cheekyarses
13 years ago
I agree totally! Alot of ppl want their cake n eat it too! Some ppl will cheat for as long as they can, but still want the family life! No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and no one knows why ppl cheat! But being on a site like rhp - well who are the couples in it for a couple n who are in it for themselves! Very interesting topic
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RHP User
13 years ago
Just a "thank you" to everyone who has responded so far :) and a special "thank you" to those that have sent me personal emails, in reply to this topic sharing their personal experiences. I knew the response would be varied immensely, and it has been. I'm sure that this topic has crossed everyone's mind at one point in their life, whether it be from the cheating partner's point of view, or the one that's considering joining the cheating partner. Thanks for being respectful of other person's thoughts, opinions and doings... :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Handmaiden' Can of worms is right. Each and every time this one comes up the moralistic police jump on the band wagon and get all rigeous. They end up abusing those who disagree with them and the ropic ends up getting closed, and you know the worst offenders are the couples. Simply because thier partnerrs know and accept thier infidelity seems to make it okay in thier eyes. Well sex outside the marriage is just that...sex outside the marriage. Yes I know Mikeandshel..cheating does not have to be sexual. Simple really. I have had sex with people who have been attached or in a relationship in the past because...like the one cheating...I can. Too easy. I am not there for a full on relationship, normally they give me what I want, do not encroach on my time or emotions. They come, the fuck, they leave. Sometimes the married lover is just what a girl wants. Truelly no strings attached at all. Except I have managed to turn a couple of them into really close friends and even when we no longer play we remain in contact. It is not my place to judge them and it is not your place to judge me.not here to judge you, only ourselves...its our faces we see in the mirror, its our behaviour and our choices that we live with. that we choose to be respectful, not just of each other, but of the partners of people whose paths cross ours, doesnt make us moralistic, it just makes us compassionate and respectful. we see the deliberate choice to go somewhere we wouldnt accept from each other, as both disrespectful, and hypocritical. cant do it, wont do it, and wont have anyone in our lives who would choose to do it, just to be with us for a short time. we'd like to think that our potential playmates were as respectful, honest and understanding of our boundaries as we are of theirs.........
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RHP User
13 years ago
Everybody is entitled to their own opinion and "rules" and I respect that,but agree with,dont judge if you dont know other peoples path or reasons why,each to their own!Ps. If you want a no hassles lover pick me
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smo669
13 years ago
It is important for a guy to find A woman who can cook great meals A woman who understands his frailties A woman who is a fantastic sexy lover It is extremely important that these women do not meet each other
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RHP User
13 years ago
you is bad,but I did laugh...a lot
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RHP User
13 years ago
They say you never know someone till you live with them. Many married/ attached people are on here and yes they cheat. I think it should just be out in the open from the start we are all adults. Yes i have been cheated on many times yes it hurts but hey thats life and that human nature. For someone to cheat they are missing something in their lives but who is anyone to judge. This topic can also take on couples as couples come on here to swing and enjoy others company sexually but really is it a form of just cheating but just doing it together. Oh but ill hush now as it may offend some lol
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RHP User
13 years ago
I like it
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RHP User
13 years ago
I guess for me....it's a case of walk a mile in their shoes.... I don't know their story....and i'm not prepared to be someone else's moral compass. I've met one or two married men who i could totally understand their decision and justify their actions And ofcourse, many others who just can't do the right thing by anyone! At this point in time, i chose NOT to play with married men. All of my reasons for this are purely selfish ones: - I don't want the complications that playing with a married man brings - I have enough time constraints of my own, working with a married man's would mean we never meet up. I want to be able to see someone after hours and on weekends - I'm not prepared to risk the emotional attachment with someone who is unavailable to me. I'm here to do what's right for me......and everyone else should do the same.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Curious about your last comment partygoer If couples are on here together and I state again together (so they are both in agreeance and consenting ) how is that cheating on each other ?
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RHP User
13 years ago
I am with you Shinasbabe. A few people comment on open relationships and swinging as cheating. I totally disagree with that comment. Cheaters are people who lie and hide their extra bits on the side. In an open relationship you have your partners consent. Same for swinging. The people who say that this is cheating have not properly understood the dynamics in these sorts of relationships.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' Quoting 'mikeandshel' we dont see infidelity within our own relationship as something forgivable, or even reasonable, so we'd never invite anyone into our lives, if we knew they were cheating on their partner....irrespective of their motivations/reasons/excuses. it would be exceptionally hypocritical of us to do so..... You wouldn't do it, you wouldn't accept it, that's the way it should be.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I don't really understand how you could consider swinging cheating if both partners equally are happy to have that open relationship. It may not be quite what you believe in but if they are both happy with the arrangements then nobody is cheating anyone unless they are doing so without their partners knowledge.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I prefer a married/attached man..Why? . 1. We both know why we are meeting up..for sex! 2. Usually the sex is really hot! 3. Emotions don't get in the way of a good root! 4. It is my choice to sleep with him and noone else's! 5. They aim to please their lovers and not tend to be selfish like most single men! xFunlovingx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Certainly swinging is not 'cheating' on your partner. It is, however, cheating on the wedding vows which state, "Forsaking all others". Society still has a dim view on swinging. Have any of you noticed the way that swingers are portrayed on television on shows like 'CSI' and 'Law And Order'? Many of the public still view swinging as akin to cheating. I dislike the term myself. Again, I insist that we all have different values that we base our own rules on. By calling someone a 'cheater', you are judging them by your own set of rules with disregard of theirs. How is this any different than the vanilla community passing judgment on swingers or gays?
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Playful2looking
13 years ago
Quoting Party goer I guess being a swinger could be classed as cheating on you marriage in respect to your vowels. Unless your vowels are different like I promise to love you and be you gang bang slut. giggle giggle he But swinging is not really cheating in the old fashion sense.I love the promise to love and obey so get on your knees and suck that man's cock for me honey. He he or lick her pussy. I would have sex with somebody that is cheating but its only for my greedy pleasure. I am not going to marry a cheater as people don't change. Its better to be an honest swinger then to be a scumb bag who wants extra sex but won't let their partner have the same rights.
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RHP User
13 years ago
if you like me.. and I like you..and we both want to "Do it" then we can ... Just don't expect me to grab my clothes and RUN if your partner happens home .. or where ever we happen to be.. Trust me.. being naked..and erect.. or semi erect gives you one HELL of an advantage in a fight :) Especially if you can remember to say.. "I am going to flog you buster.. then ram this up you too!!!!"
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Deepdarkwoods77'if they are both happy with the arrangements then nobody is cheating anyone unless they are doing so without their partners knowledge. You said it. when both partners are in the loop and agree on having sex with others, it's not cheating. Cheating is when you don't play by the rules.
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RHP User
13 years ago
'to our wives and sweethearts, may they never meet!' That aside, I couldn't live with myself anymore, left, and still ended up gutting two people, not including myself.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You could interpret forsaking all others as not falling in love with others? Nah that doesn't seem right. Anyway you assume that everyone has that statement in their vows.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Lost_Focus' but then Ive never been a manogamous person. Maybe I just havent found that elusive person I can be manogamous with. Their reasons for having sex outside their relationship is their own, it really has nothing to do with me and honesly Im not there to marry them just to have some fun. I know some absolutely lovely people who are playing outside their relationship both with and without their partners knowledge. In some of these cases its a 'dont ask, dont tell' situation (where they have been told to look for sex elsewhere for what ever reason) and others truly are doing it without their partners knowledge. Does it make them any less a person? Do they not have needs also? Why should I judge someone without knowing their circumstances? Just because theyre playing around outside ther relationship doesnt necessarily mean they love their partner any less it could just mean they arent being sexually satisfied. Kisses Focushave got to agree with Focus here .. so well said ..
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RHP User
13 years ago
Men come to me to get what they can't get at home from their very straight and vanilla wives. Some do so with their spouses blessing because they realise that their husbands have a need that they can't fulfill. Some wives/husbands don't even get straight sex.A cheating wife/husband is usually one that isn't being satisfied at home.
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RHP User
13 years ago
That line was not included in our vows and I think you know my feelings for traditional values.
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RHP User
13 years ago
What interests me most in this kind of discussion is how more often than not it is only ever taken from the perspective of the person being cheated on, very rarely is it being taken from the perspective of the person doing the cheating. There is always 2 sides to every story....if a persons needs are being met in the bedroom would they really have the urge or need to go looking elsewhere? I think not. I would also like people to think about it from the perspective of the person who is enabling this extra marital activity to undertake. Yes I play with married men. Yes I play with men whos partners dont know whats going on - but Im not the only one in that bed....it takes two. So instead of condeming those of us who dont mind playing with married/attached persons...try to understand that the person who is playing outside the rules of their marriage will find it in anyway they can. Whether it be free (with me) or they pay for someone, they will still find what it is they are not getting at home. Oh and on that topic (and seeing as we have broached the whole swinging/cheating aspect) is it still cheating to hire someone rather than meet someone online and then fuck them? Kisses Focus
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RHP User
13 years ago
They are funny things and they are as individualised as fingerprints. Now...when I was a single woman I would not hesitate to play with a married man. It was not me who promised to love and cherish, forsaking all others. It was not me who stood there in front of my friends and families and pledged my committment. I could still look myself in the mirror with the greatest of ease. Not a problem. Like Focus said..they are gonna get what they miss out on at home from somewhere. Now that I am in a relationship I will not play with anyone...purely because I have been asked not to and I have agreed not to. To me...once committed...there is no one else. Even if my partner knows. Committed relationship is just that. Sex outside of the relationship is sex outside of the relationship. Too easy!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I didn't actually know she was married. This was in the days of the old chat rooms on msn and we were having sex for probably 2-3 months nearly every other day when she came over and told me she had left her husband and wanted me to move in with her. She was I think 10-12 years older than me and while I regretted it I ended up telling her to leave. If she had of told me that she was married in the first place I'm not sure that I wouldn't have slept with her anyway. In the end cheaters will get caught out.
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RHP User
13 years ago
No excuses for it, happened to me and im bisexual hungry for sex experimental and still cheated on fucking hurts and still does bottom line your not happy be upfront dont mess with peoples hearts,was told its just a fuck yes Im not afraid to cop shit from people posting this but dont give a damn ,live in two worlds you become a compulsive bullshitter believing your own crap.Sooner or later you get caught and I just think karma is a bitch that way.....
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RHP User
13 years ago
as far as im concerned, a reason is just an excuse, you and your partner need to communicate as this is the most important thing in a relationship and if you cant be honest and open with each other then whats the point in having a relationship?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Regardless of all moral considerations, we have learned that there is a realistic risk of the partner who is being cheated against stumbling into, or finding out, about the situation and turning violent. In our particular experience, of watching a situation unravel, where the couple were actually separated, the aggrieved party was male... Lebanese... and Muslim. That's the sort of "baggage" one wants to avoid at all costs. Having fun and adventure is good. Being dead is rather too much to pay. Hate to be overly dramatic, but most murders are domestic disputes, and fueling that dynamic seems like far more trouble than it's worth.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Having been on the receiving end of a cheating partner who I was devoted to and utterly faithful for 10 years despite her utter lack of sexual appetite; Who I had suspected was playing up with my cycling training buddy (a married man with 3 kids); Who after much internal wrestling and "how could I possibly question her - what a horrible person I am to think such a thing", flat out denied it happening (twice I asked); Who I finally had to dig and find the proof myself (a moment ill never forget and still have nightmares about 2.5 years later); Who even after I discovered the truth had her still try and deny it was happening; Who even as deeply hurt and heart broken as I was, was still prepared to forgive but had that thrown back in my face; Who even though I was emotionally torn apart had her continue to pour more and more layers of pain ontop of the initial betrayal.... ... no, I could NEVER be party to a cheating woman no matter what her reasons. Playing up WITH her partners knowledge, sure... That's their reason and understanding and none of my business. But I could never be party to the breaking of someone's heart. I know the damage it causes to the 3rd person. It's not cool no matter what. I have occasionally made the mistake and sent a message to a woman on here who was attached (stupid error) and I've immediately backed away. To be utterly honest, my ex is the reason why I'm on AMM. I've come here seeking fun and sex without any love attachment. I've given up on love. I don't need nor could i handle the heart break again. It nearly killed me the first time. No thanks to a second time!
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sammilling
13 years ago
In my case my wife has said to me she dosnt neeed sex any more (change of life etc}i have been faithfull for 42 years ,but i still need sex ,she has told me to find another woman for sex which is all good.But i would never tell her about it which is how she wants it to be ,so here iam .Now judge me for that and my wife as well.We still have a great life together and off and on i go get some great sex that keeps me happy to keep her happy. Have a great day
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RHP User
13 years ago
as a couple, who have both been betrayed by our previous partners.....how could we ever see it from the point of view of someone who would choose to stray.......or for that matter, from the point of view of the person/s who enabled our partners to lie, cheat, deceive and betray us? thats a bit like asking us to see it from an abusers point of view, after theyve abused us..... or from a rapists point of view, if you'd like to go to a further extreme. opinions are based on many things....including personal experience and acquired knowledge...... my personal experience (as is my wifes by the way) is that of someone who loved his partner deeply, honestly and openly, but who discovered (was told by her mother actually) that his long term partner/fiance had been stealing from me, lying to me, and spending intimate times......away in a couple of instances.....with other men, one was a very close personal friend (who i trusted)...... for some strange reason, i find it impossible to see it from her point of view....or his either....wonder why? maybe if i didnt feel like i could cut his lungs out with a spoon it would be different....or maybe it wouldnt...oh well... lol. i cant do to others, what i'd hate them to do to me...including sleeping with their partner....it goes back to the 'golden rule' doesnt it?
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RHP User
13 years ago
unless i am mistaken cheating is simply a form of being dishonest...and fair to say if u are prone to cheating chances are you lie a fair bit too in other parts of your life........if u are willing to have a person in your life who displays those traits...good luck to you...
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RHP User
13 years ago
i agrre with lost focus. there is always a reason.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Their issue, not yours
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RHP User
13 years ago
say hello
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'mikeandshel' as a couple, who have both been betrayed by our previous partners.....how could we ever see it from the point of view of someone who would choose to stray.......or for that matter, from the point of view of the person/s who enabled our partners to lie, cheat, deceive and betray us? thats a bit like asking us to see it from an abusers point of view, after theyve abused us..... or from a rapists point of view, if you'd like to go to a further extreme. While I am sorry to hear about your experiences and that of other victims who have been betrayed, I would point out that there are two sides to every story. To give one example, I had a friend complain that his wife was no longer interested in sex. This went on for a year or so and then he found out that she had recently started cheating on him with a close friend. I spoke to the wife and she told me that she didn't feel that she could approach her husband to talk over the issues she was having as she thought it would cause conflict. Her husband was becoming more distant and she ended up confiding in a friend who she ultimately had the affair with. When told of what was happening my friend was shattered. Not by the cheating but by the realisation that his wife felt she couldn't talk to him and the fact they had drifted so far apart intellectually and emotionally. It was a wake up call for them both.Rape and abuse is psychologically different to cheating and the perpetrators of these crimes do not compare in any way to people who cheat in a relationship.
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Lifes_great
13 years ago
Quoting 'MistressT' Quoting 'mikeandshel' as a couple, who have both been betrayed by our previous partners.....how could we ever see it from the point of view of someone who would choose to stray.......or for that matter, from the point of view of the person/s who enabled our partners to lie, cheat, deceive and betray us? thats a bit like asking us to see it from an abusers point of view, after theyve abused us..... or from a rapists point of view, if you'd like to go to a further extreme. While I am sorry to hear about your experiences and that of other victims who have been betrayed, I would point out that there are two sides to every story. To give one example, I had a friend complain that his wife was no longer interested in sex. This went on for a year or so and then he found out that she had recently started cheating on him with a close friend. I spoke to the wife and she told me that she didn't feel that she could approach her husband to talk over the issues she was having as she thought it would cause conflict. Her husband was becoming more distant and she ended up confiding in a friend who she ultimately had the affair with. When told of what was happening my friend was shattered. Not by the cheating but by the realisation that his wife felt she couldn't talk to him and the fact they had drifted so far apart intellectually and emotionally. It was a wake up call for them both. Rape and abuse is psychologically different to cheating and the perpetrators of these crimes do not compare in any way to people who cheat in a relationship.
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RHP User
13 years ago
My ex-wife had affairs, I've had affairs and the women I was with were bored, lonely housewives. So I'm able to identify with each position. I know how easy it is to get yourself into confusing circumstances and I won't judge a person for the choices they make in their relationships. I know they have their reasons. I have known several women who have had 'pay back' affairs. I've known many phillandering men and not all of them are arseholes. I know one man who loves his wife but she does not want to face up to his bisexuality so he leads a double life. It's not easy for him and he'd prefer her participation but he can't ignore his desires. As selfish as this sounds, he's a nice bloke and I like him. If you're a swinger, count yourself as lucky that you found someone with similar appetites to your own and please don't pass judgement on situations you don't understand.
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RHP User
13 years ago
People cheat, who cares, they do it for their own reasons,not our problem, so over this sort of topic. Leesa xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'MistressT' Quoting 'mikeandshel' as a couple, who have both been betrayed by our previous partners.....how could we ever see it from the point of view of someone who would choose to stray.......or for that matter, from the point of view of the person/s who enabled our partners to lie, cheat, deceive and betray us? thats a bit like asking us to see it from an abusers point of view, after theyve abused us..... or from a rapists point of view, if you'd like to go to a further extreme. While I am sorry to hear about your experiences and that of other victims who have been betrayed, I would point out that there are two sides to every story. To give one example, I had a friend complain that his wife was no longer interested in sex. This went on for a year or so and then he found out that she had recently started cheating on him with a close friend. I spoke to the wife and she told me that she didn't feel that she could approach her husband to talk over the issues she was having as she thought it would cause conflict. Her husband was becoming more distant and she ended up confiding in a friend who she ultimately had the affair with. When told of what was happening my friend was shattered. Not by the cheating but by the realisation that his wife felt she couldn't talk to him and the fact they had drifted so far apart intellectually and emotionally. It was a wake up call for them both. Rape and abuse is psychologically different to cheating and the perpetrators of these crimes do not compare in any way to people who cheat in a relationship. the effects of infidelity mirror those of abuse...at least accordong to the Monash University they do....perhaps their opinion...based on detailed and published studies....might be more valid than yours? if you seek the assistance of a professional to deal with the effects of infidelity, post discovery/disclosure, they'll treat you in exactly the same way as they would someone who had been through the ordeal of spousal abuse. this is one paragraph of what was written...... * Psychological response of victims. A betrayed partner may experience the same sort of trauma as a victim of domestic violence, researchers found. Betrayed partners often express feelings of worthlessness and low-self esteem, hopelessness, dependency, vulnerability, lack of control, and shame. Many victims – both of abuse and infidelity report that they lose sight of reality and start to blame themselves for their partner’s actions. you cant minimise and write off the effects of this sort of behaviour as being inconsequential or meaningless.....some of us are profoundly affected by this kind of betrayal, and are driven to extremes such as self harm or even worse, horrible crimes of passion..........all because our 'loved one' thought so little of our relationship that they thought it appropriate to seek solace/companionship/intimacy in someone elses arms... like i said, we've been through this, as 'innocent' partners....we are the same people now that we both were then, both of us has always been sexually open and adventurous, and willing to explore and try new things....which is why we are here, after all...... and yet, our respective partners saw fit to cheat, lie, connive and betray us, for what? something they couldnt have at home? its soul destroying and indefensible in our eyes, and theres not a set of circumstances anyone could describe that would be a justification for treating a loved one in such a disdainful way... my personal take on infidelity is that its just another form of abuse, the effects are the same..... and i've been through both... but hey, my experience is nothing compared to some, who endure years of this, and who never ever recover from the trauma their partners put them through....for what? sex? a roll in someone elses bed? we dont want it in our lives....from each other......or from a potential playmate....we'd rather not play at all than ever become entangled with someone who'd betray their partner, for sex. there is never a 'reason' to stray.......only 'excuses'
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hey there all... again thank you all for your contribution to this topic. I guess for some people reality is starting to bite, however that wasn't my intention... My intention was to learn what other people have been through, their personal experiences, thoughts, emotions, etc.. This topic isn't here to cause grievance to anyone, its here for my purpose of trying to understand a situation more clearly. I'm not here to judge anyone for their own personal experiences, (and thank you again for sharing) and this topic isn't here for anyone to judge any other person... its about sharing your experience, or thought - without being biased. If you find that this topic is starting to get to you...just don't follow it anymore. For all the rest of you... champion effort. Thanks
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RHP User
13 years ago
Well said jensman Leesa
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Hanna_ybbn
13 years ago
....Be a right or wrong answer to your question Original Poster.All you are looking for, in fact, is validation that you've been 'had' from other people in the hopes of making yourself feel better.I'm not judging you for that but seriously people - that's exactly what this topic was from the start.It had nothing to do with wanting to know why 'you' or 'you' would do that to another person and everything to do with being done over and spraying it out there in a generalised fashion on a SEX website forum to have other people 'identify' and feel sorry for you and make you feel better.Harsh but true.Hanna x
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RHP User
13 years ago
I hold the Golden Rule in very high regard but people must remember that this rule is closely related to a person's own values. I accept that if a person would not tlerate, what they call "cheating", from their partner and they refuse to indulge in extra marital affairs themselves then they are being true to the rule. For myself, I don't expect to be made responsible for another's happiness and I don't want, what I view as unreasonable restrictions being placed on me in my pursuit of happiness. I don't place these restrictions or responsibilities on my partner, now or ever, so the Golden Rule remains intact. It would be nice if some people had more respect for another person's right to their own point of view.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'xFunlovingx' I prefer a married/attached man..Why? . 1. We both know why we are meeting up..for sex! 2. Usually the sex is really hot! 3. Emotions don't get in the way of a good root! 4. It is my choice to sleep with him and noone else's! 5. They aim to please their lovers and not tend to be selfish like most single men! xFunlovingx If a cheat does so full well knowing that if they were found out buy their partner that it would break their heart and devistate them then I am afraid that makes them a prick no two ways about it. No reasons, excuses etc. can justify it being right or o.k.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Hanna_ybbn'....Be a right or wrong answer to your question Original Poster.All you are looking for, in fact, is validation that you've been 'had' from other people in the hopes of making yourself feel better.I'm not judging you for that but seriously people - that's exactly what this topic was from the start.It had nothing to do with wanting to know why 'you' or 'you' would do that to another person and everything to do with being done over and spraying it out there in a generalised fashion on a SEX website forum to have other people 'identify' and feel sorry for you and make you feel better.Harsh but true.Hanna x Nice try Hanna, but no you're wrong, Im not here for pity, we are all here as equals. If you think that you are better than me, just because I have come up with this question and you might be one of those people that this question relates to, or better than the woman next to you... you need to wake up and smell the roses... I put this question out there to learn more of this particular situation...as it arises very regularly... I agree with you...there is no right or wrong answer, and thats why I'm not here to judge. :) keep smiling
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RHP User
13 years ago
our point exactly...we dont want to be made responsible for the happiness or otherwise, of someone who is already in their own relationship with someone else. ...thats their partners business, not ours...... we look after ourselves, and expect that those who are unable to do likewise, not seek us out as the ones to provide them with what they seek....whether that be sex, companionship, intimacy or what not. we dont need or even want, to be entangled in anyone elses lives in a way that goes completely against our own core values. pretty simple hey...
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Hanna_ybbn
13 years ago
If I caused offence but I am offended that people find it necessary to keep drudging up this VERY PERSONAL topic!!!Han x
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'AandAXXX' If a cheat does so full well knowing that if they were found out buy their partner that it would break their heart and devistate them then I am afraid that makes them a prick no two ways about it. No reasons, excuses etc. can justify it being right or o.k.This is a public forum. We are discussing a topic and relating our experiences. We are not making excuses as we do not need to be excused. There is no "right" or "wrong" here, there are only choices. The only person you need to justify yourself to is yourself. Not every circumstance is the same. In many cases, infidelity is very justified. It's fine to state which action would be right for you but to pass a blanket judgement on all people who have engaged in extramarital affairs without a clue as to the circumstances that led to it is very uncool.
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RHP User
13 years ago
"A betrayed partner may experience the same sort of trauma as a victim of domestic violence. Betrayed partners often express feelings of worthlessness and low-self esteem, hopelessness, dependency, vulnerability, lack of control, and shame. Many victims – both of abuse and infidelity report that they lose sight of reality and start to blame themselves for their partner’s actions." This quote compares a person's reaction, it is NOT comparing the act of infidelity to that of spousal abuse. I've always acknowledge that infidelity causes emotional harm. The thing is, these feelings of worthlessness and low-self esteem, hopelessness, dependency, vulnerability, lack of control, and shame are also very common in an abandoned spouse. Therefore, choosing to leave your partner is just as wrong as "betraying" them from this perspective. There are quite a few qualified quotes that have been posted on other threads, also from respected profesionals in the field of psychology, that supports the assertion that extra marital affairs are not always harmful. Again, I say each situation should be viewed on it's own merit or lack thereof.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was very against cheating as well and I personally would not be with someone if they were playing outside their marriage without their partners consent or knowledge. Reading these forums over the years has made me realize that there are lots of reasons why someone cheats and it isn't always their fault. Sometimes the innocent partner at home is just as much to blame. I sympathize but I still do not want to get involved. Their problem and I don't want to make it mine. I received an email from a good girlfriend the other day. She was happy because she got her annual "duty" out of the way so she didn't have to worry about giving her husband one over Christmas. I have tried to tell her that her husband can not possibly be happy with this state of affairs but she won't listen to me. They have sex on his birthday and Christmas. If he is cheating I sincerely could not blame him at all.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Hanna_ybbn' If I caused offence but I am offended that people find it necessary to keep drudging up this VERY PERSONAL topic!!!Han x When I replied to your comments, I still had not looked at your profile, you didnt need to apologise. I brought up the topic, because I wanted to know what other people thought, and this includes you. I'm not here to judge you or make you feel bad... never. This is an open topic, for everyone that wants to contribute. If there are people that find this topic invasive... maybe they should avoid even being involoved with it. again... keep smiling :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' I was very against cheating as well and I personally would not be with someone if they were playing outside their marriage without their partners consent or knowledge. Reading these forums over the years has made me realize that there are lots of reasons why someone cheats and it isn't always their fault. Sometimes the innocent partner at home is just as much to blame. I sympathize but I still do not want to get involved. Their problem and I don't want to make it mine. I received an email from a good girlfriend the other day. She was happy because she got her annual "duty" out of the way so she didn't have to worry about giving her husband one over Christmas. I have tried to tell her that her husband can not possibly be happy with this state of affairs but she won't listen to me. They have sex on his birthday and Christmas. If he is cheating I sincerely could not blame him at all. I agree that having sex with a partner other than the one you are committed to (married or otherwise) is not cheating if the partner has full knowledge and agrees with it. However if not It is cheating as you are cheating on your promise to each other. In the case described above, either of those partners should be honest with each other and either agree to end the relationship or agree to find their sexual satisfaction elsewhere (such as a site like this).This brings me to another related topic in that is it possible to have a good marriage without having sex with your wife/husband and having you sex life fulfilled in other ways. I know that for my marriage while sex is fun and somewhat important, the thing that makes it is the partnership in achieving everyday goals, such as running a household, bringing up children, going on a holiday together, etc.. If it was only for good sex, then I don't think it would work.anyway my 2c worth
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RHP User
13 years ago
As usual Mike you have personalised what I have generalised and missed my point completely despite my giving an example. Perhaps a sledgehammer approach is needed here. What I have been attempting to put forward is that there are other reasons why people find sexual solace with others and some of those reasons seem pretty valid. I am not putting forward cheating as a remedy to a troubled marriage however, merely pointing out that the cheaters are not always out to deliberately hurt the people they love as you would have us believe. Their motivation is not the same as a rapist or an abuser so you cannot compare them and I know this because I have done the research.As for your Monash study, Jensman has said it very well and as I agree with what he said I don't need to repeat it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
...then we don't bother with them.We don't support that kind of behaviour.MrsSplicey
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RHP User
13 years ago
Like I said previously been on the recievers end of both domestic and emotional violence with my ex pretty fkd yeah to then be cheated on and will say it feels very much the same worthlessness feeling low esteem never good enough.Im beginning to laugh at the chicks and guys who knowingly fuck eachother when married to others because its only a matter of time before your wife or husband will turn detective and cane your arse,I once asked a cheater what would you do if your chick do the same he said fucking leave the bitch,wtf be single,be honest.I understand there are cases of the missus or hubby got problems they say its ok bla bla bla all sweet Im talking playing little fucks that have several on the go breaking hearts and acting all cool like its a justified act or its just a fuck or a headjob to your fucking partners your there whole world dont fuck theres!! I dont care who on this site for descreet bullshit but if you be suprised when your partner finds out and your arse kicked to the curb or worse you gave them a std try and explain that to them.Yes Im pissed at this subject but like the rest have an opinion right in some eyes wrong in others but really dont give two shits what you do and why!!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I personally would never knowingly get with someone who is seeking "outside" their relationship without their partners knowledge. Having said that I am relying on them being honest with me about their situation (which is not always the case).Why people do / or don't cheat on partners without their knowledge is none of my business - However I personally don't wish to be involved <3Love to all <3 <3
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RHP User
13 years ago
my take on this has nothing to do with Monash universities findings...i just found it interesting is all.... my take, and my wifes for that matter, is from personal experience......which is the normal place we form our opinions from...personal experience and acquired learning.... its my belief, and my opinion.....both of which i am absolutely entitled to by the way.....that there is no 'reason' or 'justification' that can be offered up that adequately explains away why one person could, or would cheat, deceive or betray another....especially when the other is either their full time spouse, or the parent of their child or children...... to me, as i said earlier, its just another form of spousal abuse, an opinion i had formed many many years prior to even joining this site, or even discovering my own partners betrayals... as i said earlier, this kind of thing....betrayal, deception, infidelity, cheating.....whatever you want to call it, and from whatever angle you choose to look at it , cant just be brushed aside as something unimportant and trivial, it destroys far too many relationships, it destroys far to many families, and it drives far too many people to acts of desperation and despair. this is the kind of thing that has life altering results.......and rarely are these positive things, at least not in my experience........i've lost a cousin who suicided in grief over his partners betrayals, and seen many more than just a few families torn asunder because of one partner or the others infidelities and deceptions... i wonder why then, if its a thing that people see as a 'non issue', its described in such negative ways, using so many negative adjectives...........the language alone that we associate with 'cheating' is enough to deter me.... i'd hate to be called some of the names i've seen and heard to descibe those who stray ...... we'll continue to tell people politely and respectfully that its 'thanks but no....we seek something else, but good luck in your journey', and i guess, we'll continue to receive responses that are rude, caustic, and at times abusive, as thats how it seems to go quite often...
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'MistressT'As usual Mike you have personalised what I have generalised and missed my point completely despite my giving an example. Perhaps a sledgehammer approach is needed here. What I have been attempting to put forward is that there are other reasons why people find sexual solace with others and some of those reasons seem pretty valid. I am not putting forward cheating as a remedy to a troubled marriage however, merely pointing out that the cheaters are not always out to deliberately hurt the people they love as you would have us believe. Their motivation is not the same as a rapist or an abuser so you cannot compare them and I know this because I have done the research. As for your Monash study, Jensman has said it very well and as I agree with what he said I don't need to repeat it. i was pointing out that you cant ask someone who has been betrayed by their partner....to see it from their point of view...it doesnt work that way...i used abuse and rape as futher examples, as victims of these would also have a very hard time seeing it through the others eyes .......... and i know from personal experience how all three feel from the victims point of view... you say cheaters are not out to deliberately hurt the people they love......how so? its a choice they make....cheat....or not cheat...seems pretty straightforward to me..... i think everyone, by the time they are adults, has some comprehension of just how their actions might impact another......or am i wrong in this too?
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Hanna_ybbn
13 years ago
" how their actions might impact another......or am i wrong in this too?"This works BOTH waysFor FUQS sake people!!!!Hanna x
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Hanna_ybbn
13 years ago
Mike and Shell - I left my husband in 2008. He was and is my best mate. We were married in 2005 and up until the time I left him - we had still not consummated our marriage.I never cheated on him - didn't even entertain the thought.....because he was my husband whom I loved and even though he was completely destroying me as a woman, it didn't matter, still my husband.Then I got to the point of being so miserable in my marriage - and not solely from the lack of any form of intimacy - and in turn, I became a miserable bitch.Time to make a decision - LEAVE.4 years later......I've gone through A LOT. You don't need to know what, but it's more than most people have to suffer in a lifetime, I assure you.I have returned to my husband, my best friend. We are not physical in any way what so ever.We have separate bedrooms and pretty much do our own thing.BUT - I love the fact that I'm back with my best friend and so does he.My husband has never had a high or strong libido - which lead us down the path of no intimacy originally....Sex is not important to him - never has been. I assure you. He does not even masturbate.Correct.And Yes, I know all of this for a fact. It might seem very odd to a lot of people, but you know what? It's just the way he is. I now know that.I met someone not long after leaving my husband in 08. He was also separated at the time and we found ourselves in a full on love affair that was out of this world. The physical and emotional connection like that I've never experienced with anyone.Our fling was short - lived - a few months - and then I moved interstate.Life went on and loads of shit happened.Then I made that decision to return to my husband. I asked him and he happily said yes please, come home.We talked and discussed that it was going to be very different.I told him that I was no longer interested in him in a sexual sense but that he was the one person in the world I loved and adored more than any other. He also made me feel completely unconditionally loved. I adore him. I always have and always will.But sex. No.That's just not the way our relationship is anymore. It's completely off the table and quite frankly - he's relieved!But then there's me - almost 40. My husband is 65 btw and no, there is no medical reason he can't perform - he just does not put any value on sex!I am and always have been, an extremely sensual person. I know I need that.The man I'd met after leaving my husband, well, he's come back on the scene.He is now back with his wife.We are in almost identical situations except reversed.I have NO intention of telling my husband as he has NO intention of telling his wife.Our spouses have also put us both through hell over the years.Mine, in particular basically shook any confidence I ever had in myself as a person and ran it clean out of me.He didn't mean to, but that's what he did all those years.Those years, I spent frantically trying to work on my marriage and our sex life. Nothing. Hit your head against a brick wall for 6 years and tell me you aren't just a bit over it????So, now I'm having an affair. Yes.Do I feel guilty. No.Is this possibly the happiest I've been in my life to date? Yes.Have I learned that I am the only person who can create and determine my own happiness? Uh huh for sure!!So, second time around, I've weighed it all up and this is what works for me.Judge me - I don't care,Mike and Shell, you need to remove your blinkers because it's not always as black and frigging white as you make it out to be.In fact - if you are not in the situation - what right have you to pass judgement??Hanna xsorry for typos - can't be arsed
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RHP User
13 years ago
Your both awesome people and your views are spot on,others are trying to justify there disgraceful actions putting a sugar coating on whats is simple your either in it together or stay single and just to put it out there I havent been on the other side so to speak but when I knew I was really bisexual my husband of 15 years couldnt take it and withot fucking around on him I told him we cant be together then Im sorry,called being straight up and truthful people try it or is it the rush of maybe I will get caught grow up!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I love you Hannah!!!!! Your a remarkable lady xxx Leesa
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RHP User
13 years ago
i'm not passing judgement at all...i'm not saying anyones this, that or the other, because they choose to cheat, i'm not calling anyone names, hurling insults or making diaparaging comments....but i would ask tho, who is more important in your relationship, and why? are your needs more important than your partners? would he be upset, hurt, or worse, if he discovered, or you disclosed your infidelities? why would he be upset? is happiness at the potential expense of a relationship, really happiness? having zero tolerance for something we both see as hurtful and hateful, isnt having blinkers on at all, its called being responsible, we've been there, and wont allow it in our lives again, by opting for a 'do no harm' pattern of behaviours. we have decided that we wont betray each other, and we absolutely will not facilitate or enable anyone elses infidelities, deceptions or betrayals. being told, or discovering for yourself, that your loved one has lied, betrayed and cheated you, repeatedly for no other reason than 'they could', isnt something that anyone should ever brush aside as inconsequential, its one of those 'life defining' moments, that do more than just take your breath away......perhaps you'd feel otherwise if you'd walked a mile in our shoes...perhaps not.....all i can say is that for your partners sake, i honestly hope your secret is never revealed.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'jensman1903' Quoting 'AandAXXX' If a cheat does so full well knowing that if they were found out buy their partner that it would break their heart and devistate them then I am afraid that makes them a prick no two ways about it. Mr & MrsXXX... and we stand by what we've said, end of story, amen etc...:-) No reasons, excuses etc. can justify it being right or o.k.This is a public forum. We are discussing a topic and relating our experiences. We are not making excuses as we do not need to be excused. There is no "right" or "wrong" here, there are only choices. The only person you need to justify yourself to is yourself. Not every circumstance is the same. In many cases, infidelity is very justified. It's fine to state which action would be right for you but to pass a blanket judgement on all people who have engaged in extramarital affairs without a clue as to the circumstances that led to it is very uncool.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Elle_Dee00'I personally would never knowingly get with someone who is seeking "outside" their relationship without their partners knowledge. Having said that I am relying on them being honest with me about their situation (which is not always the case).Why people do / or don't cheat on partners without their knowledge is none of my business - However I personally don't wish to be involved <3Love to all <3 <3 Elle has made a decision on what she sees as acceptable behaviour. It is completely understandable that she should not wish to become involved in a complicated affair. Still, she is open minded enough not to pass judgement on people who have chosen a different path. She is definately a better person than the bigots who say flat out that, in every case, the "cheater" is in the wrong. You people have no idea what other people have gone through and you are just pig headed to assert that you know best. I find it amusing that some of you try to fabricate a scenario of an innocent, loyal, doting spouse, sitting patiently at home awaiting the return of the philandering partner, completely unaware of what's going on in the background. I am yet to encounter this situation. In my experience, the affair is a symptom of a deeper, underlying problem that created the dissatisfaction with the relationship. I don't believe that anyone could break up a happy relationship. Some of you declare, "once a cheater always a cheater". Utter garbage. If you were to try and sabotage my relationship with Jennylee by perhaps finding the most beautiful woman on RHP and sending her to seduce me you would fail for two reasons. First and foremost, no one could turn me from Jennylee, I'm completely happy and satisfied. Secondly, Jennylee is the most beautiful woman on RHP so you haven't got a chance. Another assertion made, ad nauseum, is that we are selfishly harming a loved one. The point has been made time and time again that many of us have felt trapped in a loveless relationship. That is "loveless" as in without love (duh). Also, the assertion that the children of such a relationship are invariably harmed by the actions of the philandering partner. Again, this is not always the case. It certainly didn't happen in my case. Making these unfounded accusations is offensive so stop pretending that you are not offending people. You are harsh, judgemental and ignorant of the facts. Some claim that it is indefensible. Another falsehood. The truth is that you will obstinately reject any defense. Just last week, I read about two seperate occasions where a woman had charges against them for the murder of their respective partners because it was revealed that they were the victims of horrendous spousal abuse. Killing a person is defendable but you claim that an affair isn't. Are you mentally deficient? They would not been acquitted had they murdered their partners for an infidelity. That's because "cheating" is not the worst thing an adult can do. It's not a crime at all. Yet another of the false statements is that you cant ask someone who has been betrayed by their partner to see it from their point of view. When my ex-wife had her first affair, I just took it to mean that she was experimenting and being adventurous. Same thing the second time and I didn't hold it against her nor my friend whom she had the second affair with. In fact, I had a bit of fun with it. By the time of her third affair, I recognised it as yet another symptom of our ailing relationship.I knew a man who, when he found out his wife was having an affair, as impressed because it made her more interesting in bed. So you're assertion that a person on the recieving end can't be understanding and accepting is categorically wrong. Actually, most of your assertions are wrong, contrived or irrelevant.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'mikeandshel' ......perhaps you'd feel otherwise if you'd walked a mile in our shoes...perhaps not.....all i can say is that for your partners sake, i honestly hope your secret is never revealed. I initially read this as: "Perhaps we'd feel otherwise if we'd walked a mile in your shoes", which I would have found a respectful and empathic response. Then I realised that I was wrong, and that you had made your response about yourself. I think Hanna said it best when she said "In fact - if you are not in the situation - what right have you to pass judgement??" And may ask a serious question? Is it really Mike and Shel typing? It sounds like a one-man show.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Ms_Devious' Quoting 'mikeandshel' ......perhaps you'd feel otherwise if you'd walked a mile in our shoes...perhaps not.....all i can say is that for your partners sake, i honestly hope your secret is never revealed. I initially read this as: "Perhaps we'd feel otherwise if we'd walked a mile in your shoes", which I would have found a respectful and empathic response. Then I realised that I was wrong, and that you had made your response about yourself. I think Hanna said it best when she said "In fact - if you are not in the situation - what right have you to pass judgement??" And may ask a serious question? Is it really Mike and Shel typing? It sounds like a one-man show. we are both here, tho its me, mike, who types.....i'm the computer nerd, shes into much more 'creative' pastimes..lol
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RHP User
13 years ago
if 'cheating' is such a productive, happy thing......if its healthy, wholseome and reasonable, why then is it only ever conducted from behind a veil of betrayals, deceptions and lies? why then is it basis for divorce? why then is it a topic that is continually in the news......'shock horror......someones cheating on their spouse' why then does it pull families and relationships asunder......lead some people to acts of violence..either as retribution, or out of guilt? like i said..we made the conscious deliberate decision to exclude it from our life together....we wont accept it from each other, and we will not invite it onto our lives, by being the ones to facilitate or enable anyone elses lies, deceptions or betrayals.... we'd rather not even know about it...... oh...and its not 'pig headed' or even 'obstinate' to hold a belief close to ones heart, not at all...if one person...just one, is hurt because of anything we do with another....perhaps their partner....thats one person too many, in our eyes....
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RHP User
13 years ago
I can also relate to your reference of the "brick wall". I know how completely frustrating it is. We have one or two resident brick walls here on RHP. Completely obtuse and nothing gets through.
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RHP User
13 years ago
lol...obtuse? for what? for understanding that infidelity/cheating/betrayal/deception/dishonesty/manipulation..for any 'reason'....is wrong? for energetically and enthusiastically defending those who would be betrayed/deceived/manipulated/used? surely not?
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RHP User
13 years ago
There is nobody thats going to agree either way its a matter of personal choice but try and fuck with my happiness I think I will snap this time round as when your dirty secret out it fucks with your partner mentally,emotionally it takes a long time to get back to normal as such,I understand people have there reasons but your a handful of probably really decent folk,but its not for me Im sending an apology as some posts have opened my eyes as to there reasons I still dont agree but thats a personal view on my own life experiences as to why I wont agree on playing up showing loyalty is my way of unconditional love towards my man :) merry christmas to all may you have a fantastic fuck with your partners or someone elses :/
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RHP User
13 years ago
why be with someone if they dont do it for you sexually? a HUGE part of a relationship is sex so why bother if you have to go somewhere else to get your kicks? i must admit when i was abit younger i did sleep with a quite a few girls that were in relationships but thats there own fault, plus ive had it happen to me enough times... honestly if someone is going to cheat theres nothing stopping them... its there own choice.... im still single because i want to have casual fun for awhile, i wouldnt take that into a relationship unless the girl could keep up with me sexually;)
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RHP User
13 years ago
As I read through this topic I was formulating a reply. I got to yours and found mine paled in comparison. Bravo so well and bravely said! Michael
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Hanna_ybbn' Mike and Shell - I left my husband in 2008. He was and is my best mate. We were married in 2005 and up until the time I left him - we had still not consummated our marriage.I never cheated on him - didn't even entertain the thought.....because he was my husband whom I loved and even though he was completely destroying me as a woman, it didn't matter, still my husband.Then I got to the point of being so miserable in my marriage - and not solely from the lack of any form of intimacy - and in turn, I became a miserable bitch.Time to make a decision - LEAVE.4 years later......I've gone through A LOT. You don't need to know what, but it's more than most people have to suffer in a lifetime, I assure you.I have returned to my husband, my best friend. We are not physical in any way what so ever.We have separate bedrooms and pretty much do our own thing.BUT - I love the fact that I'm back with my best friend and so does he.My husband has never had a high or strong libido - which lead us down the path of no intimacy originally....Sex is not important to him - never has been. I assure you. He does not even masturbate.Correct.And Yes, I know all of this for a fact. It might seem very odd to a lot of people, but you know what? It's just the way he is. I now know that.I met someone not long after leaving my husband in 08. He was also separated at the time and we found ourselves in a full on love affair that was out of this world. The physical and emotional connection like that I've never experienced with anyone.Our fling was short - lived - a few months - and then I moved interstate.Life went on and loads of shit happened.Then I made that decision to return to my husband. I asked him and he happily said yes please, come home.We talked and discussed that it was going to be very different.I told him that I was no longer interested in him in a sexual sense but that he was the one person in the world I loved and adored more than any other. He also made me feel completely unconditionally loved. I adore him. I always have and always will.But sex. No.That's just not the way our relationship is anymore. It's completely off the table and quite frankly - he's relieved!But then there's me - almost 40. My husband is 65 btw and no, there is no medical reason he can't perform - he just does not put any value on sex!I am and always have been, an extremely sensual person. I know I need that.The man I'd met after leaving my husband, well, he's come back on the scene.He is now back with his wife.We are in almost identical situations except reversed.I have NO intention of telling my husband as he has NO intention of telling his wife.Our spouses have also put us both through hell over the years.Mine, in particular basically shook any confidence I ever had in myself as a person and ran it clean out of me.He didn't mean to, but that's what he did all those years.Those years, I spent frantically trying to work on my marriage and our sex life. Nothing. Hit your head against a brick wall for 6 years and tell me you aren't just a bit over it????So, now I'm having an affair. Yes.Do I feel guilty. No.Is this possibly the happiest I've been in my life to date? Yes.Have I learned that I am the only person who can create and determine my own happiness? Uh huh for sure!!So, second time around, I've weighed it all up and this is what works for me.Judge me - I don't care,Mike and Shell, you need to remove your blinkers because it's not always as black and frigging white as you make it out to be.In fact - if you are not in the situation - what right have you to pass judgement??Hanna xsorry for typos - can't be arsed Hey Hanna,Having met you and considering you a RHP "friend" I have often wondered about your situation.However, given it is not my business have never actually asked.This however fits everything I know about you ..... I respect your situation and think that if this is what works for you and your hubby then more power to you.I know that with your hubby working away, when he is home you are very serious about your responsibilities as a wife and your "other situation" takes a back seat.I too spent the last 6 years of my marriage without any intimacy at all - it was at the point that I found myself considering playing outside the marriage that I made a choice to speak with my "then husband" and we separated (without any drama's or hostility) .... In fact now 2 years later (and from the very beginning of our separation) we are best mates.There is no chance of reconciliation for us, as we are both aware now that we make better friends than we do partners.Mwah xoxooxoxo
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RHP User
13 years ago
You refuse to recognise facts (and I mean facts, not opinions) that don't support your own opinion and make false statements. "if 'cheating' is such a productive, happy thing......if its healthy, wholseome and reasonable, why then is it only ever conducted from behind a veil of betrayals, deceptions and lies?" This doesn't relate to me in the least. I wasn't sneaking about. I went on lunch dates, picnics, bike rides and to the movies. I lied to no one and there was not any deception on my part. Who did I betray? My wife had already had three flings that I was aware of and we were living in seperate rooms. These are facts that you continually ignore because they don't fit into your precise model of "cheating". "why then is it basis for divorce?" Many things lead to divorve and I'm in no way suggesting that affairs are always beneficial but they don't always lead to divorce and I'm disputing your stand that no good ever comes from them. Again, each case shouls be viewed individualy. "someones cheating on their spouse' why then does it pull families and relationships asunder" Again, this is not alays the case. My own affairs had no impact on my family and the problem with my relationship was apparent for many years before my affairs. My affairs did not cause the problem, the problem caused my affairs. ".......lead some people to acts of violence" Is it your suggestion that affairs create violent people? Again you have things in reverse. These are the actions of violent, controlling people. Many things will trigger their violence.In many cases, it's their own hostile nature that turns their spouse to look for comfort elsewhere. So far howaboutsayinghi, Ms_Devious, Shinasbabe27, MissPoppins, CheekyArses, karynb, couplesint and Elle_Dee00 have all come out and stated that they are against extramarital affairs. I can respect their position. Nobody is trying to convince them to change their ways and embrace a philandering lifestyle. No one is telling you that you have it wrong to avoid philanderers. What we are telling you is that your experience has no relevance to what other people have gone through. Can affairs cause complications and heartache? Yes, most definately but let me reiterate, they are usually a symptom of a pre-existing problem with the relationship not the cause of it. Can an affair be beneficial? YES! An affair can be beneficial. My affairs didn't solve my marital problems but they got me through a difficult depression and I learnt a lot from them. Jennylee's affair gave her the strength to finally break free of an abusive husband. It has been well documented that many couples, after having an affair, have recognised their errors and been able to restore their marriage as a result. You are against it, I know and I have no problem with this but you continue to assert that you know what's best for everyone and that an affair is always wrong but this is not the truth and you are merely deluding yourself to believe so and offending a lot of good people with your constant harrassment and badgering. Live your life as you see fit. Don't be so presumptuous as to try to tell others how to live theirs.
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RHP User
13 years ago
jensman 1903, you're a legend.... in your own mind at least but hey Merry-Xmas anyway, from the "uncool " one :-))
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RHP User
13 years ago
isnt this a public forum? dont we all have as much right as the next to share our experiences/opinions? if i'm asking questions....how is that telling anyone how they should live their life? if i'm sharing our own experiences/opinions etc how is that telling anyone how to live their lives? seems to me that its you who would be telling us how we should think/feel/act...by calling names (again) becuase our opinions and beliefs are diametrically opposed to yours.... heres a clue..as 'adults' we live our lives in such a way that we do 'zero harm' to anyone outside of our relationship.... that means if even one person is hurt by our actions...then thats one person too many. along this line, we see infidelity as wrong....if even one person is hurt as a result, and especially so if even one child is hurt, either by our actions, or by the actions, or lack of, by any other adult. hannas experience is hannas, but in some ways.......... it echoes my own experience... i was with a woman who i saw as my soul mate, who i was to marry...she had a low libido (later found to be a symptom of a health issue) i left, because eventually i felt negelected, but returned because i realised just how i loved her, and it spiralled out of control from there....the cause? ..it was a history thing..she'd strayed on both her previous husbands, then me, and on the guy she married after our final split... a serial cheat? yes absolutely. her legacy? an older son who cant maintain a relationship (27 and married twice already) and a younger son with addiction/suicide issues, because he blames himself for his mothers failed relationships...i know, i took him to counselling, not her... she was at the club playing the pokies. does infidelity harm our children? yes, of course it does.......even Bettina Arndt says 'When children are aware of a parent's philandering, adultery moves into another league altogether. The impact can be devastating - and may linger for years.'
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RHP User
13 years ago
I have shown you that in some cases good has come from an affair. You ignore this and keep providing examples of where only harm has arisen. This in itself proves my point, that each case should be viewed individualy, it does not prove yours. You still refuse to accept that affairs usually occur where there is an existing problem and are rarely the primary cause of the break down of a relationship. You keep telling honest people that they are "cheating", "decietful", "betraying", "wrong" etc. and get your knickers in knots about "obtuse" and "pig-headed" despite the fact that you were not singled out for these (more subdued) terms. Your questions are merely a form of harrassment as you have no intention of ever accepting the aswers. You have been given very real examples of the turmoil that has gone on in people's lives but won't let it be. You want to champion those that have been "cheated". Well that means that, in many cases, you are defending the violent and abusive persons that caused their partners to stray. What does that say about you? I'm not wrong to recognise that people have the right to make their own life choices. You are wrong to believe that you know what's best and right for everyone.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Offering up ancient, generic insults instead of trying to actually make a point is somewhat innane, don't you think. You signed your last statement as 'the "uncool" one'. You had previously state that you were posting as a couple. Slip ups like that, while small, are very revealing of the kind of decietful person you are but thanks for playing anyway.
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RHP User
13 years ago
an 'innocent' isnt an abuser....they are far from innocent. in no way would i defend anyone who does that, not when i see adultery as being akin to abuse, so dont manipulate my words to suit your argument...ok? an 'innocent' is the woman, or man, who trusts and believes their partner is out there and behaving in a way that doesnt bring harm to either themselves or their relationship...an innocent is the child, who believes their father is a saint, or their mother a woman of virtue...as all children do, until they are shown otherwise...... if one person....just one....is hurt because of anothers betrayals, deceptions, or dishonest behaviour, isnt that too many? dont 'affairs' or 'infidelities' only ever happen behind screens of lies, deceptions,betrayals? in my experience the vast majority do, with very very few exceptions.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You still refuse to acknowledge that the straying partner is often the innocent victim of an abusive spouse, looking for comfort outside the relationship. Until you recognise that not all circumstances are the same, you will continue to 'wear blinkers' to other people's realities and continue to be obtuse and offensive. Good luck with that.
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RHP User
13 years ago
unlike you, or others...i dont see infidelity as a solution or escape from an abusive partner...in fact, i'd see that as incredibly foolish and careless.....why throw fuel on an already raging fire? why give the abuser another reason to be abusive? get out and stay out... dont make the situation even worse.... dont defend one sin by using another as an excuse.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Omg get over it you 2 we are all sick to death of it.!!!! FFs I am no longer visiting forums can't stand the crap. Leesa xxx
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