F60
Thought for the Day
May 06 2008
Comments
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RHP User
18 years ago
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and asks his mum "Mum why am I black and you are white?" "Dont even go there" she says "when I look back on that party its lucky you dont bark" Mrs xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." --George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008 "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008 "So long as I'm the President, my measure of success is victory -- and success." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008 "A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what's not on their mind." --George W. Bush, Sochi, Russia, April 6, 2008 "Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008 "And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq." --George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008 "If you've got somebody in harm's way, you want the president being -- making advice, not -- be given advice by the military, and not making decisions based upon the latest Gallup poll or focus group." --George W. Bush, New Albany, Ind., Nov. 13, 2007 "All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone." --George W. Bush, San Diego, Calif., Oct. 25, 2007 "I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007 "I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'" --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007 "You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007 "I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007 "Bush goes to Hel. That's what a lot of people want." --George W. Bush, on his visit to the Hel Peninsula, Gdansk, Poland, Jun. 8, 2007 "There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." --George W. Bush. Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007 "There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible." --George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007 "The solution to Iraq -- an Iraq that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself -- is more than a military mission. Precisely the reason why I sent more troops into Baghdad." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2007 "The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done." --George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006 "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006 "You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006 "You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006 "Wow! Brazil is big." --George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005 "The relations with, uhh -- Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh -- because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know -- European values, they're universal values. And those values -- uhh -- being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." --George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005 "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005 "In terms of timetables, as quickly as possible -- whatever that means." --George W. Bush, on his time frame for shoring up Social Security, Washington D.C., March 16, 2005 "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." --George W. Bush, Brussels, Belgium, Feb. 22, 2005 "Because he's hiding." --George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005 "Who could have possibly envisioned an erection -- an election in Iraq at this point in history?" --George W. Bush, at the white House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005 "It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 21, 2004 "I think it's very important for the American President to mean what he says. That's why I understand that the enemy could misread what I say. That's why I try to be as clearly I can." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004 "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004 "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003 "Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 25, 2003 "I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 10, 2003 We are making steadfast progress." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 9, 2003 "I'm the master of low expectations." -George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." -George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 "I think war is a dangerous place." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003 "You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order - order out of chaos. But we will." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003 "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." -George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003 "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." -George W. Bush, speaking about Saddam Hussein, Manchester, N.H., Oct. 5, 2002 "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." -George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 "There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again." -George W. Bush, Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002 "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." -George W. Bush, Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002 "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur." -George W. Bush, discussing the decline of the French economy with British Prime Minister Tony Blair (French origin of 'entrepreneur' was early 19th century, from entreprendre 'undertake') "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." -George W. Bush, June 18, 2002 "And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything." -George W. Bush, discussing the Middle East after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2002 "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 10, 2002 "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war." -George W. Bush, Charleston, West Virginia, Jan. 27, 2002 "I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging." -George W. Bush, at the dedication of his portrait, Austin, Texas, Jan. 4, 2002 "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." -George W. Bush, at a White House Menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001 "Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better." -George W. Bush, in a press conference with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. Sept. 24, 2001 "When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. Sept. 19, 2001 "It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to." -George W. Bush, speaking to recently sworn in immigrants on Ellis Island, July 10, 2001 "You know, sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past." -George W. Bush, on what he told Russian president Vladimir Putin, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal, June 25, 2001 "We both use Colgate toothpaste." -George W. Bush, on what he had in common with Tony Blair, Camp David, Maryland, Feb. 23, 2001 "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001 "My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." -George W. Bush, radio address, Feb. 24, 2001 "Home is important. It's important to have a home." -George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Feb. 18, 2001 If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!" --George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000 "Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain." --George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000 "Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." --George W. Bush, third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000 "One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." --George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000 "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." --George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000 "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." --George W. Bush, Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000 "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." --George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000 "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --George W. Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." --George W. Bush, Jan. 2000 "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." --George W. Bush, Jan. 3, 2000
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RHP User
18 years ago
OK I borrowed this,my mind is not so great as to make this up. Camels gallop by throwing their feet as far away from them as possible and then running to keep up ,Knee joints clicking like chilly castanets , You Bastard thrashed up the sloping road out of the valley and windmilled along the narrow gorge.... Anyone having seen a camel run would surely find this very evocative . Thanks to my favourite author Terry Pratchett xx peace be with you Dev xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON. George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!! yes i know u dont hv 2 tell me i am at it again xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
18 years ago
I just bought a racehorse, I'm gonna call it "my face." I dont care if he wins or not I just want to hear all those posh tarts at ascot screaming "come on my face" A wife comes home early and catches her hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over to him and gives him the blow job of his life. After he asks.... we havent had sex for 6 months and suddenly this why? She answers I just washed the floor this morning. I'd rather brush my teeth than mop the bloody floor again. A new vibrator is out for women, its so realistic that just before she comes.. it cums, farts, goes limp and switches itself off. Laura and bob decide to try a 69er.. Bob didnt know what it was so laura decides to show him. She tells Bob to lie on the floor and she sits on top. She is just about to start when she farts. Oops sorry she says and trys again, she farts again, oops sorry she says. Bob suddenly jumps up and storms out. Laura yells where are you going? Bob replies well I'll be fucked if I'm hanging around for another 67 of them. God appears to a man and says " youll have to quit fags, drink and sex if you want to go to heaven" A week later god reappears and asks him how its going? He says the fags and the grog were pretty easy to give up but when the wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer I couldnt resist and had to give her one there and then. God says they dont like that sort of thing in heaven. The man replies they dont like it much in coles either. Have a great day Mrs xx
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RHP User
18 years ago
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95. BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision. US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course. US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*** off pmsl xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
18 years ago
Kevin Rudd (or Kevin Crudd as he is now known by certain citizens' groups), was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of Australia. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, $200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!’ Public toilets for women When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ‘The Stance’. In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get’. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.’ As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck? ‘ This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door. This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately. Send this to all women that need a good laugh. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! Share this with a friend! I Just Did! yeah but not u lot lol xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
18 years ago
The Banana Test There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds !!! Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron. Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year. i really enjoyed this one as per xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
18 years ago
Lawyers should never ask a grandmother a question if they aren't prepared for the answer... In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs... Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.' The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: 'If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.' NOW THIS REALLY MADE LAUGH so true so true yeah yeah i know xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight... The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.' If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' it spells 'Theirs.' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odo meters. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces... Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. ==========BRILLIANT========== Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00. A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' MBNA: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' MBNA: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' MBNA: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?' MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given) MBNA: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given ) After they get the fax: MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.' MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' MBNA: 'That might help.' Family Member: ' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number 1049.' MBNA: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?' its after midnight and i have nothing better to do xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old rockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing. And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When picking them up requires some leverage, When it's not so much lift as industrial heavage, When there's more of a parting and less of a cleavage, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with my favourite suitors. Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits! Pam Ayres yes i know she wrote just thought i'd share xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
You know that you are getting old And things are really rotten When hair starts falling off your head And growing on your bottom. Kisses babe Nobby xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
There was a young lady from Brits Who stood in water up to her knees... Hey! that doesn't rhyme It will when the tide comes in.... Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
hey i was pondering today and found a thought, the little bugger ran away but luckily i ran him down and beat it out of him. false advertising! are you disapointed not to find that whole egg in your mayo? and what is it with people who dont like mushy peas? what do they swallow them whole! toodles... Kaled - My master has returned!!! ep 12-13 yippy
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RHP User
17 years ago
Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride. Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back.' The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.' xx Smartie
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RHP User
17 years ago
OMG Jak!!! Thank you, thank you....that took me back to me childhood lol!!! I remember the first time I heard that poem..it was very risque, but Pam Ayres was a true character Love Bren
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RHP User
17 years ago
a blonde goes in2 harvey norman looking 4 curtains 4 her PC the assistant says u dont need curtains 4 ur computer! blonde replies HELLLOOO i've got F......WINDOWS......................
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RHP User
17 years ago
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? ooooooooo i thought that didn't happen till you were as old as me lol xxxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like .. Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like .Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ..Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like . .Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. I RATHER LIKED THIS ONE WELL I WOULD WOULDN'T I PMSL LMAO LOL very loud AS PER YES ME AGAIN XXX JAK XXX
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RHP User
17 years ago
The Men's Names – (scroll down for the women’s names) Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff. Able - totally useless. Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene. Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons. Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat. Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet. Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies. Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much. Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee. Arnold - loser. Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate. Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed. Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody. Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung. Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot. Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games. Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong. Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands. Brad - short and squat, has bad breath. Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds. Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic. Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time. Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him. Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy. Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell. Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name. Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce. Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week. Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive. Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini. Cameron - Australian. Big muscles. Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing. Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him! Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive. Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name. Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together. Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too. Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive. Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'. Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial. Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater. Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid. Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings. Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines. Craig - tries to fit in - he never does. Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance. Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way. Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way. Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics. Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them. Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid. Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice. Darren - charming , but sleeps with men. Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands. David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker. Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick. Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot. Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection. Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex. Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody. Don - dickhead, nobody likes him. Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts. Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up. Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago. Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex. Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name. Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole. Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex. Elliott - full of himself. Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse. Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient. Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt. Frank - single helix DNA and it shows. Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot. Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby. Gary - drug addict but willing to share. Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands. Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men. Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace. George - barman who drinks more than he serves. Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat. Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers. Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed. Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy. Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex. Graham - will screw anything. Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'. Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything. Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself. Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him. Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs. Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely. Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight. Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher. Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography. Howell - sings too much. Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing. Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies. Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit. Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk. Jamie - Devious scum of the earth. James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts. Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally and has lots of mirrors. Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition. Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because he has bad breath. Jeff - really ugly. Jerome - gay, but very unhappy. Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is. Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on. Jack - stupid but hot, always alright. Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much. Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it. Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual Joel - arse. John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals. Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin. Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual. Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit. Looks in the mirrror too much. Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest. Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites. Josh - full of himself, fun. Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose. Junior - Not very clever, but good at football. Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight. Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up. Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes. Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes. Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick! Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse. Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be. Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough. Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay. Kurt - can kick anyone's arse. Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips. Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse. Laurey - short and funny looking. Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit. Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty. Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh Liam - loud mouthed arsehole. Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold. Lucas - fat loser that dates other men. Luke - seems to be sweet. Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend. Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!! Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could. Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid! Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer. Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit. Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing. Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy. Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like to work too hard. Sexual deviant Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse. Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and the windows down even though it's cold! Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol. Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it. Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb. Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though. Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but only on his own. Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes. Oliver - likes men but is in denial. Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents. Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk. Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays. Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative. Phillip - homophobic, image conscious twat, likes to fuck poodles. Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob. Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'. Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates. Rikki - see above, but can't even spell. Rob - constantly watches porn. Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher. Roger - acts like a wanker when drunk ... Permanently drunk! Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister. Roy - total loser and computer genius. Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud. Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame Ryan - short and stout, but popular. Sam - wannabe sex machine. Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector. Sean - thinks he's James Bond, in reality a dipstick. Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports Sean - has small deformed testicles and no friends. Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor. Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Shannon - like the, river wet and full of shit. Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him. Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks. Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys. Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on. Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay .... Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper. Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is. Toby - best blow ever. Tom - cool but can be very arrogant. Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked. Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found. Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy. Troy - cute and popular. Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him. Ty - small and kind of shrivelled. Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying. Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest. Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste. Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent. Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot. Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice. Will - wishes he were popular. William - not very tall, but ultra-cool. Zach - sweet and polite and twisted. Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.* --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Women's Names Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity. Ada - blue haired, smells of wee. Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy. Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs. Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets. Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe. Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend. Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herself go by in shop windows. Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off. Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'. Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot. Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible. Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small. Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool. Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy. Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets. Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for. Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers. Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!. Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive. Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly formed breasts Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys. Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about secs. Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way. Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid. Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed. Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall. Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points. Beryl - Repressed alcoholic. Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy. Bettina - Dominatrix. Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp. Bianca - Ginger. big mouth. Birgit - big scarey woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate. Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars. Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society. Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses. Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'. Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying. Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak. Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow. Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips. Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up. Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom. Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam. Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing. Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA. Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem. Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music. Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass. Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl. Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm. Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced. Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear. Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies. Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons. Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates. Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling. Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck. Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips. Debra/Debby - Porn star. Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands. Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies. DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea. Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up. Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it. Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese. Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage. Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys. Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges. Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty. Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens. Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten. Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth. Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies. Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men. Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair. Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies. Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker! Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic. Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass. Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed. Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud. Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success. Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up. Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim. Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples. Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head. Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave. Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck! Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing. Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues. Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness. Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day. Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls. Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex! Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying. Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing. Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies. Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking. Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex. Georgina - Wants to be a man. Grace - petite and pretty, fucks like a rabbit. Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself. Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath. Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs. Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub. Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men. Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer. Helen - Hangs around with the wrong rowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic. Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber. Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis. Hilary - Frigid. Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister. Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed. Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles. Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money. JACQUELINE,JACKLYN,JACQUE,JACKY,JACKI,JACKIE,JACKE,JACK,JAC,JAK. - Heroin addict, sold her child. Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody?? Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes. Janet - Massive over bite, no neck. Jane - She's hot and she knows it, a prick-teaser. Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands. Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny. Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats. Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff. Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up. Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words. Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often, flashes her minge a lot. Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it. Joanna - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook. Jo - Bisexual and proud of it. Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so! Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased. Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast. Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman! Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with ballance. Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard. Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse. Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets. Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught. Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking. Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit. Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it. Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words. Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors. Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together. Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect. Kay – Big boobs and frizzy hair, a bit mental. Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin. Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing. Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly. Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her. Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there. Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week. Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed. Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig. Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance. Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night. Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots. Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned. Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse. Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy. Lara - Action packed, never seen naked. Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix Lauren – Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night. Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up. Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her. Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking. Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing. Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men. Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will. Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone. Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole. Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework. Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn. Liz - Long legged and brainy. Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips. Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as. Louise/a - Likes to get around, tart Luci - cute and loveable Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad. Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman. Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things. Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors. Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad. Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid. Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world. Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank. Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous. Maria - Bangs like a barn door. Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY. Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear. Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed. Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome. Martina - Ugly lesbian. Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits. Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers. Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz. Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat. Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S. Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children. Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely. Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected. Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary. Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise. Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them. Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag. Marsha - Big butt, small brain. Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers. Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have. Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her. Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver. Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners. Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French. Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune. Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing. Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent. Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear. Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant. Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed. Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial. Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often. Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough. Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years. Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles. Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair. Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats. Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers.. Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess. Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic. Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow. Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff. Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon. Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position. Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff. Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage. Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar. Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands. Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame. Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly. Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed. Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers. Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks. Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact. Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe. Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind. Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways. Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her. Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head. Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face. Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first. Rula - She measures up well. Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth. Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up. Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs. Samantha - Loves hate relationship with her brother, a wild child, seeking multiple orgasms Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged. Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate. Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff. Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW. Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills. Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model. Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets. Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname. Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper. Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control. Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas. Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night. Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual. Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce. Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix. Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree. Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff. Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff. Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country. Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl. Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's. Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect. Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny! Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues. Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile. Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers. Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad. Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom. Tanya - Hot minx, too short. Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals. Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks. Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less. Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski. Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens. Tracey - Lesbian. Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry. Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are. Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt. Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch. Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't! Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women. Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it. Wendy - Possibly a man. Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often. Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon. WELL THERE YOU GO ENJOY I KNOW I DID XXX JAK XXX
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RHP User
17 years ago
I love you Jak. I checke dout my name xx I checked out my step daughters name xx Then i checked out the ex non shag buddy's name and spot on lmao xx
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RHP User
17 years ago
********************MY FAVOURITE THINGS******************** all together now prawns on the barbie and zinc creme on noses kids keeping cool under sprinklers and hoses blue skies and bare feet on sand that stings these are a few of my favourite things beetroot in burgers and redbacks in dunnies footy shorts, boardies, bikinis and sunnies tinnies, blue winnies, black singlets and thongs these simple things get the top aussie gongs swagmen and jumbucks and tea made in billies hoons with big holdens and very small willies eddie mcguire, HUGH JACKMAN and ROVE these are all part of our treasure trove when the snake bites and the bee stings when i'm feeling sad i simply remember my fave ozzzie things and i dont feel so bad emus, echidnas, white pointers, merinos wombats, koalas, blue heelers and dingos quokkas and bull ants and roaches with wings these are a few of my ozzzie things meat pies and thai food and pasta with vino icy-cold beer, hot cappuccino yabbies and marron and vegimite toast these are the things we ozzzis love most delta and kylie and missy and noni kerri-anne, bindi, olivia and toni elle and dame edna and cate and nicole top ozzzie chicks who are good for the soul dockers and eagles in afl matches gilchrist and clarke taking brilliant catches the wacca, the wafl and all sport in the WEST these are the things we ozzzies love best when the snake bites, when the pommies win when i'm feeling sad i simply remember my fave ozzzie things and then i dont feel so bad ooppss did i forget to mention roo's yeah i know she's at it again till then then xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
Spread the Stupidity Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in La tin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for LETHAL INJECTIONS? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. Spread the Stupidity Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in La tin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for LETHAL INJECTIONS? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. once again its early hours of the morning have a laugh on me see you out there somewhere xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
There is a little animal, from Africa, is called a Naked Mole-Rat. So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself just remember: Going through life is hard enough but to go through life looking like a penis with buck teeth must be horrible! How Italians Do Business Giuseppe talks to his son Mario. Giuseppe (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.' Mario (son): 'I will choose my own bride!!' Giuseppe (father): 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..' Mario (son): 'Well, in that case... okay.' Next Giuseppe approaches Bill Gates. Giuseppe (father): 'I have a husband for your daughter.... ' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!' Giuseppe (father): 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.' Bill Gates: 'Ah! in that case... okay.' Finally Giuseppe goes to see the president of the World Bank. Giuseppe: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.' President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!' Giuseppe: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.' President: 'Ah, in that case... okay.' And that, my friends, is how Italians do business as per yes me again xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
there you are, having a dinner party..... Your parents are there, Your in-laws are there, Your boss and his wife are there, The minister and his wife are there, You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner, Then in walks the dog.... ...... ..... .... ... .. . yep u guessed right he's carrying ur vibrator in his mouth lol xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
Money doesnt buy u happiness - It just buys u a more comfortable form of mysery .......
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RHP User
17 years ago
Hey Jak, tis true about this wee critter, but have a look at a Babirusa (Indonesian wild pig) now THAT'S a wicked lookin face!!! One of the more strange creatures I've seen, though SOME on RHP come a very close second! Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
Briefly emerging to put in his 5 cents worth... I was at a mates' place the other day and his wife was wandering around beaming and proudly proclaiming "I'm so proud of myself! I lost a total of four kilos last month! Aren't you soooooo happy for me?" I looked down at my six pack (actually it's more like a carton), then looked at her, and with a stone cold serious expression on my face, said "It's OK, you can stop looking for them now, cos I found 'em...." Stepping back into the background where he belongs... Shadows
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RHP User
17 years ago
BEAUTY... If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core. COMPROMISE... Let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours may be. WORTH... Just because you are necessary, doesn't mean you are important. CLUELESSNESS... There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ahhhh.... I feel so much better now.... Tra la la la la... Viking. P.S. Attitudes are contagious, mine might kill you.
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RHP User
17 years ago
a little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "granny's got a prawn! " his mum say's "what on earth do you mean" the little boy takes to show her granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa he points to granny's protruding clitoris and says "granny's got a prawn" mum whispers in the little boy's ear "thats ur granny's clitoris son" to which the little boy replies......... "well it tastes like a prawn!" joke of the day......... two families move from afghanistan to australia when they arrive the two fathers make a bet in a years time whichever family has become more australian will win a year later they meet again the 1st man says "g'day mate, my son is playing footy and i had a meat pie for lunch and im on my wy to pick up a case of VB and how r u ?" the 2nd mand replies " f... off ya towel head c...... a man pinches his wifes arse and says " do u know if u firmed this up u could get rid of ur big knickers!?" rather annoyed she decided 2 bite her tongue fuming she reaches over and grabbed his dick and said " do u know if u firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, milkman and ur f...... brother !!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 priests in a shower they realise there is no soap naked father john goes 2 his rm 2 get some graps 2 1 in ea hand heading bk 2 the bath rm half wy down the hallwy 3 nuns r heading his wy father john pretends 2 b a statue the nuns cant believe how life like he looks 1st nun pulls his dick startled he drops 1 bar of soap ooh its a soap dispenser 2nd nun does the same he drops the other bar of soap 3rd nun keeps tugging sweet jeasus she says HAND LOTION TOOO.......... WELL THATS ME FOR TODAY catch later if i dont feel ya 1st as per xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
I MUST HAVE EARNED IT BY NOW LOL Troubled Husband Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our store. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below. Mr. Wally President and CEO Wal-Mart Complaint Department ------------.........------------ MEMO Mr. Bill Fenton Complaints - 15 Things Mr.bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping. ************* 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. ************* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. ************* 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest room. ************* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'code 3' in Homewares.... ... and watched what happened. ************* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. ************* 6. September 14: Mover a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' Vsign to a carpeted area. ************* 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the other shoppers he's invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. ************* 8. September 23: When the clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' ************* 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. ************* 10. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. ************* 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. ************* 12. December 6: In the Auto Department, practised his 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. ************* 13. December 18: Hid in the clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' ************* 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screams: 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!' ************* (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went to the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There's no toilet paper in here!!! The Zipper A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING. AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?' THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS' Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?' Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?' 'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do ....... First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..' 'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.' As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?' He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. 'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
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RHP User
17 years ago
Always laugh when I read it... How to Give a Cat a Pill 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in the right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap and cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore lows growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandaid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with water cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 15. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
"marriages are made in heaven, but then so are thunder and lightning"
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RHP User
17 years ago
A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months. He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc. Finally he asked the most disturbing question. 'Is your family in the house?' The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes. Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked 'Are you the bloke with the cactus?' I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down. After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. 'What the hell's going on?' he says. 'Let me show you' says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans. The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks. And here's what one of them looks like sitting on a FULL SIZE dinner plate..... ENJOY xxxjakxxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: (Love this one) * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management Pass this on to all who are employed! lol xx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
The only thing that the Australian Tax Office has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole.. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size: The brackets are as follows: 10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00 8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00 5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00 3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00 Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION AS REFUSAL MAY OFFEND just deserts i say xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
Not giving the use of certain substances his personal seal of approval... A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard wanders past. He looks up and asks the koala, “ Hey, Koala! What are you up to?” “I’m smoking a joint, come up and have some,” the koala replies. So the little lizard climbs the tree, and joins the koala in smoking a joint or two. After a while, the lizard complains that his mouth is very dry, so he climbs down the tree and heads to the river for drink. The problem is, he’s too stoned. He leans too far out from the edge and falls into the river. A crocodile sees him fall in, so he swims over, fishes the little lizard out of the river, and helps him back to the river bank. “What’s the matter with you?” the crocodile asks after they reach the riverbank. The little lizard explains that he was smoking a couple of joints with the koala. His mouth got dry and he came down to the river for a drink. He was too stoned and simply fell in. The crocodile isn’t so sure about this, so leaving the little lizard by the river he heads off to find the koala. He eventually finds the koala finishing off another joint, so he calls up to him,”Hey you!” The koala looks down at him and says,”Faaaaaark mate, how much water did you drink?” Thinking about reaching for the bottle himself, then realizing he's still at f****** work... Shadows.
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RHP User
17 years ago
when i was a 14 yr old kid,my ole man told me; son,don't let yer dick run yer life.! now at that tender age,it didn't make a whole lotta sense. but now,I'm in my 40's ,on my second marriage,kids and a mortgage,...yep ,I know what the ole fart mean't now . ha,ha
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RHP User
17 years ago
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath. A young nun, Sister Magdalene, prepared the bath water and towels asinstructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at father John's nakednessif she could help it and to do whatever he told her to do. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone ."Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.""Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, andwhile I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he saidthe Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun. Sister Magdalene continued, "And father John said that if the Key to Heavenfits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would beassured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then father John guided his Keyto Heaven into my Lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun. "At first it hurt terribly, but father John said the pathway to salvationwas often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart withecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Hornand I've been blowing it for 40 years!" xxx jak xxx
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RHP User
17 years ago
A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop. The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces." When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
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RHP User
17 years ago
a husband and wife are in the maternity ward while she is giving birth she grabs her husband by the throat and screams this is so painful and its all ur fault he says back to her that if u remember i wanted to shove it up ur ass but u said it would be too painful so who's laughing now
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RHP User
17 years ago
I am... that was great, thanks Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items a woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her the money, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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RHP User
17 years ago
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he will have to enter a password.. Something normally hidden that he'll need to use to log on with. The husband was in a rather naughty and amorous mood and decided to give his wife a subtle hint. So to grab her attention, and make his urges plainly obvious, he entered the following password at the computer prompt... > P E N I S Rather that it be a turn on, and get her juices flowing, she fell off her chair pissing herself with laughter when the computer replied: > PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
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RHP User
17 years ago
Mum went into labour and called for an ambulance, but due to a power cut at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked the woman's 3-year-old daughter to hold a torch high over her mummy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, the child did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while a baby brother was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. The baby boy began to cry. The paramedic then thanked the child for her help and asked the wide eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. The young girl quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
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RHP User
17 years ago
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit - Oscar Wilde Now try WRITING SOMETHING ORIGINAL!!!! Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
How do you circumsize a red neck,,,, Kick his sister in the mouth. Whats the last thing to go through a moths mind when it hits your winscreen. Its arse bye bye tc all spice123
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RHP User
17 years ago
Man walks into a bar and sees the menu... Pies - $3.00 Hot Dogs - $5.00 Toasted Sandwiches - $6.00 Hand Jobs -$10.00 The man looks at the sexy Barmaid and asks, "Are you the one doin' th Hand jobs ?" To which she smiles and replies, "YES" The Man looks her in the eye and says, "Well can ya wash ya hands I'll have a toasted sandwich !". J
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RHP User
17 years ago
Doctor to a woman: The good news is you don't have PMS... the bad news is your a bitch.
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RHP User
17 years ago
Little Johnnie over heard his older brother talking to his knew bride. His brother was feeling very amorous, so he began spelling words so as not to attract Johnnie's unwanted attention. The older brother said, "W.I.F.E. I'll eat your P.U.S.S.Y if you come here and be my B.I.T.C.H." This statement confused Little Johnnie, who a few days later decided to ask his Mum. "Mum, what's a W.I.F.E?" Mother pointed to herself and said, "I'm your father's wife." "Mum, what's a P.U.S.S.Y?" Mother pointed to the cat and said, "That's a pussy." Mum, what then is a B.I.T.C.H?" Mother pointed to their female dog and said, "That's a bitch." Johnnie wanted to confirm this information with his father. "Daddy!" he said excitedly, "What's a W.I.F.E?" Father said that the word stands for, "WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." "Well, Dad, what's a P.U.S.S.Y?" Father pulled out the centrefold of the Playboy magazine and drew a circle around the appropriate part. "Son", he said, "that's a pussy." "Well, Dad, what then is a B.I.T.C.H?" "Everything outside the circle", replied his father.
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RHP User
17 years ago
senior doctor takes a the newly appointed mayoress on a tour of his hospital, he shows her into the first ward, a guy is sitting on the edge of his bed pulling himself.... "that's terrible" says the mayr. 'oh no , he's got a condition, he has to relieve himself every hour or his testes swell and cause serious pain' replies the doc. He then opens a door to another room, a man is lying on his back smiling while a pretty blond nurse is blowing him off..."that's disgusting , surely you can't explain this then?"says the mayr. 'of course "rplies the doc. 'same condition as the other guy only this one has private health cover!'
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RHP User
17 years ago
Do unto others... before they get you!!!! He he he Viking
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RHP User
17 years ago
Saw a t-shirt recently which read- 'NO I DON'T HAVE TOURETTES - YOUR JUST A FUCKIN ASSHOLE !!!'
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RHP User
16 years ago
For resurrecting this classic post... http://www.redhotpie.com.au/Adult-Forums/Thought-for-the-Day-21304-Page3
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